Do or Di (29 page)

“Just fine, Colin.” No way I would mention the current state of affairs. No way. “I can see why you love it out here. Beautiful.”

“You sound a little out of breath.”

“That’s just from the excitement of talking to you.” I gave a nod to a fit couple who were passing by and giving our party an odd look. It’s like they’d never seen anyone with their butt stuck in a log before while they talked on a cell phone.

“Are you trying to tell me you aren’t finding it difficult? Don’t take this the wrong way, but I find that a bit hard to believe,” Colin said.

“Every time I think of giving up, I just think of you at the spa as the wax Nazi comes in for you. The image makes me so happy I find the will to go just a little bit farther. Heck, it makes me so happy I could skip up the mountainside.”
That’s assuming I ever stand erect again. It’s a bit difficult to skip with a log
glued to you
.

“Fair enough. But you aren’t even half way up yet.”

“What?!” I looked over at Scott for confirmation.

He was listening to the conversation on his headset. He gave me a nod and whispered to me.

“We’re somewhere between a quarter and a halfway up,” Scott whispered.

“We’re not even half way up this stupid mountain? You’ve got to be kidding me. We’ve been walking forever. What are we doing, taking the goddamn scenic trail?”

“Whoa. Easy there. We’re going to bleep you out. You keep that language up and we’re going to have to have you on some kind of delayed Howard Stern buffer,” Colin said. “Of course every time I think of you giving up on the climb I think of a big pile of your shoes, and you being stuck in flip flops and that just makes me feel all warm inside. If you don’t feel like you can make it, we can always send down search and rescue to come carry you out.”

“Ha ha ha. I’m not calling it quits. I’m just surprised we aren’t a bit further along. No problem. It just gives me more time to enjoy the view. I was worried that all this fun might come to an end all too quickly.” I had already asked about search and rescue, apparently unless there were broken bones they still forced you to walk yourself out so there was no point in calling them.

“Don’t take too much time or you won’t make it by the end of the show. Now we’ve got a few callers on the line. Let’s hear from Richard in Renton. Go ahead, Richard.”

“Why is it women always have to try and do a man’s job anyway?” Richard says loudly in my ear. I can tell just from the way he talked that Richard was one of those guys who always had one of those white spit blobs in the corner of his mouth.

“Well, Richard, it’s not a case of trying to do what men do, it’s a case of doing it, and if I may be so bold, in most cases doing it better, and certainly with more style,” I countered.

“Some advice, sweetie, maybe you should spend a little less time trying to outdo your man and a bit more time keeping him happy, if you know what I mean,” Richard-the-spit-blobber said.

“Are you married, Dick? You don’t mind if I call you Dick, do you? How are your relationships coming along?”

Richard, the call-in pig, gave a grunt.

“Well, Dick, if you don’t mind me giving you a little advice, you should spend less time worrying about how happy my man is and instead worry if you are a man at all,” I shot back.

“Let’s hear from the other side, Suzanne, you’re on He Said She Said,” Colin said, cutting Richard off.

“I wondered what both of you thought about a girl taking up her boyfriend’s hobbies to spend more time with him? My girlfriends are upset, saying that I’m selling out since I’m learning to play golf with the new guy in my life.”

“A guy likes to know the woman he’s dating is interested in the things he’s interested in. Besides, if you don’t take up golf you’re going to end up mad if he doesn’t want to spend his weekends with you,” Colin says.

I opened my mouth to spit out the opposite answer, when I caught a look at Avita. For some reason she reminded me of Diana’s advice to think and then speak. Now, if I had thought of thinking before sitting, I wouldn’t be in my current situation.

“The question isn’t if you should take up your boyfriend’s hobby,” I said.

“Actually that is the question she asked,” Colin said. “Are you getting enough air?”

“I heard her question, I meant the real issue isn’t her boyfriend’s hobby. The real issue is: are you enjoying learning golf?”

“You know, it’s strange because I used to make fun it, but it’s been kind of great.”

“Then you’ve got your answer. No, you shouldn’t take up a hobby because your boyfriend, or anyone in your life, wants you to. You take up something because you want to. The joy of meeting new people is that they bring new things and experiences into your life.” There was silence on the air for a second.

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I think Erin is one-hundred percent correct. We’ll be taking continued calls on sporty girls, sexy or scary, as the show continues. Stay with us after these commercials,” Colin said.

I heard the line click.

“Are you still there?” Colin asked. He had taken us off the live mic.

“Sporty girls, sexy or scary? This is what you’re talking about?”

“I know we’re missing the opportunity to do an in-depth exposure of the gender inequality in sports, but without you I had to do the best I could. Are you doing okay?”

“Why are you asking?”

“I don’t have any motive. I just know how brutal that hike is.”

“You think I won’t make it?”

“Christ, Callighan, does everything have to be an argument? Forget about it. Enjoy your stroll.” I looked at the handset for a moment and then handed it over to Scott. I felt the urge to cry, which was ridiculous. I looked over at Scott and Avita and took a deep swallow. I asked myself what Princess Diana would do if she found herself in this type of situation. She wouldn’t sit around with her ass in a log. She would remind herself that with every step she was closer to the top. After all, things couldn’t get much worse. Then there was an ear splitting crack and the rain started. I felt the drops plink off my scalp and sink into my shirt.

“Can you guys help me?” I said with my head hung low. Neither Avita nor Scott said a word; they simply pushed and pulled until I popped out like a cork from a bottle. I stood up and brushed myself off. We didn’t say anything else, just hoisted our backpacks and continued upward.

One of the many reasons I don’t care for the outdoors is that nature is filled with things such as dirt. One of the problems with dirt is that when exposed to large volumes of water, from a source such as rain, it turns to mud. I couldn’t even remember the last part of the hike or even the next call-in. I was afraid to stop for too long because I was fairly certain I would never start moving again.

“We’re almost at the top,” Scott said.

I turned to face him. I wanted to believe him. I really did, but if he was joking or trying to simply get my spirits up, I would hurl him off the side of this mountain. I looked over at Avita. She was wheezing and coated in mud like a tribal warrior. It looked to me like she would help me do the hoisting if only she could catch up to him.

“How can you tell?” Avita asked.

“You can see the top.” Scott pointed upward. “See? You can see trailhead.”

I looked up. Through the rain I could see the next set of rocks, but beyond that the trail cleared away. No more trees, no more streams of mud, just sky. Big beautiful gray and cloudy sky. Dear God, it was the top. I looked at Avita and we both gave a whoop.

“Time check?” I yelled out.

“We’ve got 20 minutes until the show is over.” I grabbed her hand and we started up. It was one of the steeper sections, and with the mud and rain on the rocks we kept sliding. Now that I could see the top I had a renewed sense of energy. My legs didn’t feel as heavy and the vague I-think-I-might–throw-up sensation, was also starting to abate. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it was fun, but it was a feeling of accomplishment.

“I don’t know if I can,” Avita gasped, pulling back.

I turned around to face her.

“You have to. I know I dragged you into this, but now we’ve got to finish it together. I wouldn’t have made it without you.”

“Just go ahead. I’ll be behind you. I’m just going to go a bit slower. I’m all out of air.”

I turned and looked back up the hill. Scott was almost at the top. I chewed my lower lip. I wanted us to do it together, but if she didn’t think she could make it in time, there was a bet on the line that involved high-cost footwear.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. I’ve got nothing to prove. Darsh is going to be impressed that I did this at all. My time up isn’t going to make a difference. You better hurry.”

I gave her arm a pat and then took off after Scott. I pulled myself up the steep slope, grabbing at various tree limbs. The muscles in my legs were shaking. I was panting like a dog after a long run. I could see Scott up at the top pulling the phone out of the bag. We were going to make it. There wouldn’t be much time to spare, but we were going to make it. Then I heard a yelp. I turned and looked behind me. I couldn’t see Avita.

“Avita? Everything alright?”

“I fell down.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty slippery with the mud. You okay?”

“I think so; I scraped up my arm really bad.”

I took a couple steps down so I could see past a large pine tree. Avita was sitting by the side of the trail holding onto her arm, and I could see a bit of blood.

“Can you keep going? It’s not much farther.”

Avita stood up and took a couple hesitate steps and then leaned against another tree.

Avita sniffled. “It really hurts. I’m tired and I’m sick of being on this stupid mountain.”

“Oh shit. Okay, hang on. I’m coming back down.” I started down the hill. You would think down would be easier, but somehow it managed to be harder. I kept slipping and having to grab onto a branch to keep from falling.

“No, don’t! You won’t make it to the top on time. Just go up and do the show. I’ll be okay. I just need a bit of time, or make Scott come back down for me.”

I looked down at her. It was just a few minutes to the top. A quick call to the station and then we could send someone right down to help her up. It’s not like she would be spending the night on the dark mountainside, it would be fifteen minutes tops. She wasn’t going to be forced to eat a fellow hiker in order to survive. I could toss a granola bar down to her if she was hungry. The thing was, in addition to losing the bet, I would be hearing about it from Colin forever, not to mention everyone else at the station. I gave a sigh and rubbed my eye, putting a smear of mud across my eyebrow.

“Scott!” I yelled out. “I’ve got to go back and help Avita. Go ahead and call into the station.”

Scott peered down at me.

“Are you sure?”

I looked back down at Avita. She had picked me up plenty of times; it was time for me to return the favor. Besides, if Scott came back down he was going to have to lug all the equipment. It didn’t make any sense.

“Yeah. I’m sure.” I started picking my way back down the hill. I had to slide down on my butt at a few points. My pants were ruined. Not that I planned to ever wear this outfit again. When I drew even to her I opened my mouth to make a joke and then looked carefully at her. Her eyes were red and filled with tears. She was in a lot of pain.