Doctor Whom or ET Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Parodication (19 page)

 
Tom Baker
.
Now
we’re talking! This is the real Dr Whom material. Big booming voice. Scarf. Getting off with one of his beautiful assistants in real life.
That’s
what we’re looking for. And now he’s doing
Little Britain
voice-overs. Am I the only one to think that this is something of a come down, really?

 
Peter Davidson
. The problem I have (I’ll be frank) with this sort of name is that it slips about in one’s memory. Don’t you think? Is it Peter
David
son, or David
Peter
son? Either is as good as the other, frankly. A name should have more fixity, more memorability, or what’s the point of it? Jack Johnson, John Jackson, Russell David, David Russell, who could ever tell them all apart? No. Either you want completely
non
-interchangeable forename-surname combos, something like Jim Czccrych, or Alexander p, or else you want to short-circuit the whole process by calling yourself Robert Robertson, or something. There’s a small sort of genius in the latter strategy, of course. And, now that I’m on the subject,
why
was Robert Robertson
never asked
to play Dr Who? He’d have been
brilliant
. ‘Ahhhh, now that the Daleks are defeated, I can promise the peoples of the Earth their continued survival and prosperity, and—
this
round of applause.’ You see what I mean?

 
The guy who came after Peter Davidson
. Curly hair. Don’t recall the name. He doesn’t seem to have the curly hair any more, judging by his appearances on TV nowadays reminiscing about his days playing the Doctor. But that’s no crime. Baldness is not a crime. Arson,
that’s
a crime; not baldness.

 
The guy who came
after
the guy who came after Peter Davidson
. Don’t recall his name either. I’ve got ‘Baker’ buzzing around in my head, but that might just be because Tom Baker made such a deep impression in the role. Sylvester Baker, was it? Incidentally, and whilst we’re on the subject of Tom Baker, I’ve a question: do you think that Tom Baker ever went up to his own mother and sang the Boney-M hit single ‘Ma Baker’ when that hit the charts in the mid-1970s?
M-m-m-m-ma, Ma Baker, she carried a gun
- because if it had been
me
, I
definitely
would have done. That would have been
hilarious
. Of course, since my mother is called Roberts, and since there’s no song ‘Ma Roberts’, I’ve never had the chance.

 
PauL McGann
. Given that there are about four hundred McGann brothers, all of whom work in TV, and all of whom look exactly alike, I’m rather proud of myself for being able to remember the one who played the Dr for that crappy Americanised one-off TV-film. But since he can’t even be bothered to turn up on TV nowadays to reminisce about his days playing the Doctor I think we should throw the tarpaulin of historical forgetfulness over him, nail it down at the edges, and neither mention nor even think about him ever again.

 
Christopher EccLeston
. Oh, everybody loves Christopher Eccleston. They love him as a serious actor, and they
loved
him as Doctor Who. How could they not? He completely abandoned the fey, curly-headed, southern English weirdness and instead played the character as an out-of-work northern builder on e. Leather jacket. Big
chunky
leather jacket, and a nose apparently borrowed from a much
much
larger face. That’s Eccleston.

I mean, I know he’s a highly respected actor and everything, but he has ‘Eccles’ in his surname. It’s the
main part
of his surname, for crying out glaven. How can anybody take him seriously? Would you take
me
seriously if I were called ‘Adam Doughnutton’? NO, you would NOT.

 
Casanova guy
. I can’t
tell
you how much my wife wishes to enjoy carnal relations with the actor playing the new Doctor Who. I can’t tell you because my eyes mist up with furious despair at the very thought. Curse him. Curse his perfectly shaped features and his trim body. Curse him to all bejiminey.

 
Who will follow in these illustrious footsteps? The Doctor has only twelve regenerations, after all, so there can be only thirteen actors given this ultimate honour. Or else he has
thirteen
regenerations, so there can be only
twelve
actors who - no, that can’t be right. So: the team here at Dr Whom offer up our suggestions as to whom (ahem!) might be waiting in the wings to take on this esteemed role.

 
Doctor Who 11: Tom Hanks
. He would be a
brilliant
choice. He could even change his name to ‘Tom “Dr” Whanks’. Which is something I suggest he do because it is a cross between ‘Who’ and ‘Hanks’ and for no other reason. What I mean is, I’m suggesting Hanks should play the part because he’s a very versatile actor, and is a big star to boot. He could pull off the Dr, don’t you think? He could easily pull him off. Easily slip into that role.

 
Doctor Who 12: Boris Johnson
. It’s the part Boris was born to play. And, can I just add, with respect to what I said a moment ago about Tom Hanks, that I only meant to
compliment
Mr Hanks on his range and technical expertise as an actor. The whole ‘whanks’ thing . . . obviously, now, I rather wish I hadn’t coined that particular portmanteau word. It literally
didn’t occur
to me that people might read it as a variant upon ‘wanks’. The thought never crossed my mind. It would have been monstrously disrespectful of me to suggest that, should he ever accept the BBC’s invitation to play Who, fans or people in general would start calling him ‘Dr Whanks’. The thought of that would, I’m sure, act as something of a disincentive. And I’d hate to think that I’d played a part, howsoever small, in disincentivising an actor of Tom’s stature from taking up an iconic role like Dr Who.

 
Doctor Who 13 - Simon Hoggart, star of Radio 4’s ‘News Quiz’ and EngLish comedic eccentric
. It’s the part Simon was born to play. He could change his name to ‘Simon “Dr” Whoggart’, which works much
much
better than the whole ‘Tom Whanks’ thing, which I deeply regret, I really do, I’m most dreadfully sorry I mentioned that now. Sorry I ever brought it up. I really can’t apologise enough. Tom? Tom—if you’re reading this,
please
believe me when I say that I apologise, wholeheartedly and unreservedly, for morphing your name to ‘Whanks’, it was in no way ‘fair comment’ and was not intended to impugn your professional or personal integrity in any way. I hereby undertake never to repeat it. I’m appallingly sorry. I am.