Domesticated (26 page)

“Talk to me, Kendra.”

Spitting the white foam in the sink, I rinsed and walked around him again, trying like hell to avoid eye contact. Sam dropped to his knees in front of me after forcing me to sit on the bed by pulling on my hands. I stared down at my hands in his, wondering about yet another unknown feeling. Kendra Ashby didn’t cry. Kendra Ashby stopped that emotion as a child. Why now? Why did I want to cry now, in front of Sam?”

“Baby, talk to me.”

Damn. There it was. I tried to hide the first tear with the shoulder of my shirt, but Sam saw it. The next thing I knew, I was in his arms, crying like I hadn’t since I was probably Savannah’s age. I cried in the crook of his neck, soaking his T-shirt with tears and a runny nose. I don’t know how many minutes went by with Sam knelt in front of me, holding on to me for dear life before we were on the bed.

Sam still held me tight with my back to his chest, smoothing my hair and kissing my head. I heaved in air like some idiot child, trying to catch my breath. He hushed me with shh’s and kisses.

“I was four the first time,” I blurted for whatever reason. By the time I laid in Sam’s arms and spoke to him from behind, I’d confessed everything. Sam never once interrupted, although there were times he held me tighter.

“You had sisters. Did she hurt them, too?”

“No. I’m sure she didn’t. Only me,” I replied.

Once Sam thought I had gotten it all out, he turned me to my back and kissed away tears. “I don’t even know what to say to you, Kendra. All I keep thinking about is Savannah. I don’t know what I would do if someone hurt her. You’re a fighter.”

“You want to know something funny?” I smiled. “I keep thinking about the same thing. She’s a pretty cool kid.”

Sam smiled and kissed me. I think by that point, neither one of us knew quite what to say. I’d just confessed every dark secret about my past to Sam, and it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my chest.

Moving his body to mine, Sam kissed me, and then made the most emotional, expressive love to me I had ever felt. It was the most possessive, absorbing, anxiolytic, tranquil, acute, potent, and breathless loving-making ever to be made by mankind. Ever.

I came three times before Sam finally subdued inside me and released himself. “I’m sorry. I swear I wasn’t even thinking about doing that,” Sam instantly apologized, coming back to the seriousness of where we were. I didn’t like serious Sam. I should have kept my big mouth shut.

“It’s fine. It’s exactly what I needed,” I assured him kissing his lips.

“Let’s get out of here,” Sam said, turning me to my side and cracking me on the ass.

“And go where?”

“Somewhere to make you forget who you are and where you came from. Somewhere fun.”

“No horses,” I teased, sliding down his body. “Thank you, Sam.”

We didn’t have to worry about Olivia. She left a note that said she was going to eat without me because I wanted to sleep all day. Sam did exactly what he said he was going to do. We had fun, and not once did he mention anything about what I had so stupidly disclosed to him.

I protested the zip-line even more than I did the horse. “Please, don’t make me do this, Sam,” I begged turning to his chest.

“Hey, remember how you absolutely didn’t want on that roller coaster for anything? Try it once.”

“UGH. I hate you.” I sat in the swing-like seat, right beside Sam. I felt things I shouldn’t have been feeling when the guy secured me, strapping me to safety. The throbbing between my legs was quickly replaced when the managers told us to flatten our feet against the gate.

Sam was grinning from ear to ear. He was such an adrenaline junkie. “You’re going to love it. Don’t worry,” he assured me one more time.

I screamed a high pitched, shit-your-pants scream right out of the gate. We were going so fast. Sam yelled, too, but his was more of a whoop, whoop, and mine was more like a horror movie scream. The ride was long, I bet a half a mile or more, and just when I started to enjoy zipping between trees and massive rocks below, I started to wonder how we were supposed to stop.

“Sam!”

“What?”

“How do we stop?”

“You hit a stopper and it flips you in circles until it stops.”

Great. I really did hate Sam. I hated him even more when the cable tightened or something, slowing us to a complete stop before we reached the bottom.

“You’re an ass,” I accused with an unmanageable smile. Okay, I loved it. It was fun. It was so much fun we did it again.

After we flew through the air on a cable, we had ice cream cones, two different flavors. Sam made us do that, too, just so we could share. Sam did an awesome job making me forget about anything but him, me, and whatever this was between us. He kept me out and busy until I was exhausted, begging him to take me home. The zip line was unforgettable, and I am glad I did it, but the hand-in-hand walk while listening to Sam talk about Savannah was the most memorable.

Sam never left me. I don’t think he cared what Olivia thought, or anyone else. He didn’t even leave my side while I had my three-minute conversation with my husband. He stayed with me the entire night, never mentioning anything about what happened that morning. He talked and joked with me like I hadn’t mentioned anything about anything. We made love under the stars on my dark balcony, and then fell asleep in each other’s arms. Sam did anyway.

I lay awake for a long time, thinking about everything under the sun. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I had to do. It scared the hell out of me, but I had to do it. I didn’t belong with Garrison, and he had to know that as much as I did. We were never meant for one another. Garrison needed someone like Angelica. I didn’t want to be that person, not now, not since I learned how short my life was through the eyes of Sam.

As much as I wanted him, there was something I wanted more. Every time the idea popped into my head, I tried like hell to throw it out. It wouldn’t stop, it was there, the seed planted, and I wanted it to grow. It could work, I knew it could, I just couldn’t tell Sam about it. He would never understand.

My fingers brushed up and down his arm while he breathed relaxed breaths into my hair, and I thought about never carrying a baby for the first time in my life. I was twelve and had just gotten my period. I used to hate listening to the girls chatter in school about their periods, always complaining. They wouldn’t be complaining if they couldn’t have one. I had a total of five. I did cramp a little sometimes and once in a while, I had some spotting, but not really a period. In all my twenty-nine years, I had five monthly periods.

“There’s nothing I can do, Adriana,”
the doctor insisted. I was only twelve, so I’m not sure who he was. They did talk like they knew each other, calling each other by their first names. Just the way they talked in general told me they were more than acquaintances. Plus, we drove a long way to see him. We never did that before.

“Javier, you have to. You have to do something. I’m the only one who cares. I’m the one that is left to take care of her. She can’t have children. There has to be something you can do. Do you have any idea what she did when she had her last period?”
Adriana asked.

I remember sitting there, wondering what the hell was going on. What did I do?

“She smeared it everywhere, all over her bathroom, her bed, the window. There was blood everywhere. Can’t you just do the hysterectomy?”

“Adriana, I can’t do a hysterectomy on a girl barely twelve years old.”

“There has to be something, Javier. Anything. You have no idea how hard this is for me. I have the girls to think about. I can’t keep doing this. I’m at my wits end with this girl.”

“Have you tried getting her help, like a shrink?”

“Yes, for god’s sake, yes. I’ve tried everything. The girl’s been in therapy since she was five. Nothing helps. She’s the devil’s spawn, I tell you.”

I sat there silent, looking from one to the other. I didn’t even know what a hysterectomy was.

“There is one thing we might be able to do that’s less invasive than a hysterectomy.”

“I’m listening,”
Adriana said, straightening her posture.

“It’s a birth control form used in Africa back in seventy-two, for a very short time. It was outlawed, but it’s available. It’s also used to shrink cysts and tumors, a very distinctive form of acid. If the fluid is injected into the uterus, it will burn the lining and no more periods will be tolerable. We could just inject it into her ovaries and that would destroy any chance of ovulation, but you can’t do one without the other. If we only did the uterus without the ovaries, she could become pregnant and the baby will die. Once we burn the uterine wall, carrying a baby is impossible. 

“Perfect. When can you do it?”

“I don’t like this, Adriana,”
the doctor assured her again
.

“You listen to me. You wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my husband’s money putting you here. You would still be back home pumping gas. I have never asked for one penny of our money back. You owe me this.”

“Okay, okay, but I could lose my license for this.”

“Nobody’s ever going to find out,”
Adriana smiled and rubbed my blond hair with her hand. I had no idea what the hell was going on, but I was sure it was bad. Adriana set up the appointment for the following week when my dad would be out of town.

Driving the four-hour drive back to our home, she explained what was going to happen.
“You won’t feel anything, and you’ll never have to worry about that nasty period again.”

“I don’t mind it, and I never did what you told him I did,”
I protested. The only part I minded was the part she insisted on teaching me how to use a tampon, not just once, every time I needed one. I wasn’t allowed to have a box in my bathroom. I had to find her and ask for one. The first couple of times she insisted she insert, and then she just watched.

“Maybe I’ll let you put a tampon in there every month since you don’t mind. You’re never going to make a cute little blonde beauty. I’m breaking the mold now. Once you girls are raised, I promise you…Paris and Katie’s babies will be first in their grandfather’s eyes.”

“I’m twelve!”
I reminded her in a yell from the passenger seat. I grabbed my face when she slapped me and jerked the car to the side of the road.

“Don’t you ever raise your voice to me again. Do you understand me?”

I nodded, still holding my face.

“That’s my girl, now say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry,”
I mumbled.

“Move your hand and say it again. I’m sorry what?”

“I’m sorry, Mommy,”
I cowardly spoke in a broken tone.

“Good girl. It’s always going to be you and me, Sewer Rat. You’re never going anywhere. Your sisters will move on, marry successful, nice-looking men, but not you. One, you’re too ugly for that, and two, you owe me for taking care of your tramp-for-a-mother’s child all these years. Why do you think I pulled you out of school to be educated at home, huh?”
Adriana asked, rubbing my knee while pulling back into traffic.
“I own you,”
she added, patting my leg.

My plan to burn her to death became real. I thought about it daily. I knew how to blow all the pilot lights out on the eight-burner stove. I knew from the times I sneaked around the internet while I was supposed to be doing schoolwork that I could be in a room in the basement and survive. I knew that she sent all the help away on the last weekend of every month for their time off. My plan had to work. I would not spend my life under her thumb. I couldn’t do it.

The following week, Adriana held true to her word. My dad said goodbye, and she and I set off on what would be the last day I was truly a woman. I was scared shitless. I didn’t know what to expect.

Adriana and I were alone in the room when she told me to undress and put my feet in the stirrups. That was another one of the few times I cried. Not because I was afraid, well, that too, but to a twelve-year-old girl, being spread like that for a total stranger was beyond humiliating. That’s why I cried, and I actually got a spanking for it. Yes, even at twelve, I was still spanked by Adriana. I’m sure had things turned out in her favor, I would still be getting them from her.

The doctor used a very, very long needle and watched on a screen while he filled my female parts with poison. I was numb, so I didn’t really feel any of it, not until the ride home. That’s when I doubled over in pain, excruciating pain.

Adriana gave me the pain pills he sent home with her, but they did little to help. I lay in a curled-up ball on my bed for three days. I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink, I didn’t pee. I did nothing but writhe in pain and soak the bed in sweat. I begged her to take me the hospital. I tried to tell her something bad was wrong with me. No wonder it was outlawed. It was pure hell.

I snuggled my body close to Sam’s and slid the purple mouse under my neck. Trying to forget that nightmare that was my life, I closed my eyes, feeling safe. I still couldn’t stop the thought of holding that baby in my arms, my little baby. I had to try. I just had to.

Sam and I spent the next couple of days out on the boat, and still nothing was mentioned about what I shouldn’t have told him. Olivia joined us as well, and I tried like hell to be her best friend. Maybe it was a little malicious on my part, but it was needed. I had to do it that way. It wasn’t all spiteful, I did like Olivia, and I did think we were friends. All the more reason for her to help me with my plan.

I never mentioned it at all that week. I was reeling in both her and Sam slowly, including her in everything we did. Sam was great at making her feel part of the fun. He was an expert at squashing awkward. Although I knew I was working with borrowed time, and I had five short weeks to pull this off, I refrained from rushing it.

Sam announced the following weekend that he was flying home to be with Savannah for the weekend. I missed him like crazy when he wasn’t around, but unfortunately, my husband was there anyway. I had planned to have a serious conversation with Garrison while he was there that weekend, but he came different. Something was up with him. I’m pretty sure he sensed he was losing me. I wasn’t myself, not what he had married anyway, and the way I was with Olivia was impossible not to notice. I gave her the keys to my Porsche and told her to have a good weekend. I would have never done that before.