Don't Let Go (28 page)

“I was going to ask if you had any other kids—if I had any siblings,” he said finally. “Wasn’t sure how to bring that up.”

“You bring up anything you want,” I said. “Coming here like this—that’s a pretty brave thing, baby. Even for a grown, big badass police detective.” Seth laughed and I focused on the smile in his eyes instead of Noah’s right behind him. Seth’s were safer. “There are no taboo questions. Nothing off-limits.”

“Okay,” he said.

I took a deep breath and stood up so we were all on the same level. “You have a sister—a half sister. She’s seventeen going on thirty, and her name is Becca.”

“Sounds like fun,” he said.

“Everyone should be tortured with teenagers at some point,” I said.

“Oh, I get that,” Seth said. “I see more than I want of teenage drama in my job. Or I did as a beat cop, anyway.”

Seth glanced to Noah, and I saw the hollowness enter Noah’s eyes as he tried to fill it with Shayna. He put an arm around her and pulled her to him. “I never had any other kids,” he said. His eyes met mine instead of Seth’s. “But Shayna and I have one on the way now.”

I swallowed hard as Seth congratulated them and hugged Shayna. That was my life now. How it was going to be for a friggin’ eternity. I almost wished Patrick was back next to me so I could introduce him as my boy-toy and get the edge back.

Wow, that was mature.

“So, who do I meet next?” Seth asked, bringing me back. “Or what is next?”

I smiled. “This is your show. What do you want to do?”

“I have no idea,” he said with a boyish grin that made him look much less grown up. He held his hands out wide. “Honestly, I’m winging this. And that is so far outside my box, you have no idea.”

I raised an eyebrow. “A planner, are you?”

“To the core.”

I laughed and moved before I could think about it. “You come by that honestly,” I said as I hugged him.

His hesitance made me freeze and pull away. “I’m sorry,” I said.

Maybe he wasn’t a hugger. Maybe he wasn’t a demonstrative person. Maybe he wasn’t that comfortable with meeting his parents yet—No. I had to stop that train, cold. We weren’t his parents. We gave him life, but his parents raised him.

“No, it’s okay,” he said, looking troubled. Or maybe embarrassed. “I’m just still nervous, I guess.”

“Totally understandable,” I said, wanting to stick my head in a freezer to chill the heat coming off my face.

“Why don’t we go grab some lunch at the diner,” Noah said.

I knew he was trying to diffuse the sudden awkward turn of conversation and help me out, but he was suddenly standing too close for my heat-infused brain to handle gracefully.

“Lunch is good,” I said, backing away from him a step and knocking into the coffee table. Loudly.

Noah grabbed my elbow to steady me and ended up pulling me closer in the move. I bit down on my lip as I looked up into blue eyes that darkened with memory and cursed my body’s automatic reaction to him.

Not. Mine. To. Want.

That needed to be filed away under stupid things never to do again. Regardless of all the things his face was telling me.

“I’m good,” I said, smiling to prove it. “Just clumsy. Let’s go.”

Chapter 18

Lunch was a blur. I couldn’t tell you what was said, other than Seth’s favorite food was french fries. I don’t think I even dogged that. Ruthie would have been proud.

Words were like background noise, humming along to my thoughts and my chewing. To the visuals as I stared at the two men across the table. Linny got us a booth by the bar so she could frequent it, and Noah and Seth sat across from me and Shayna.

It was brutal. And all I could do was shovel food in so I’d have something to do with my hands. Not only was it surreal to see my son across from me, grown up and talking about the world with my mouth and Noah’s hair and eyes and everything else, but just seeing the two of them sitting together—it killed me. They were so alike. Not just in looks but even mannerisms and personalities. Already joking like best buddies that had hung out for years. I’d taken that away from both of them.

Even though I knew now that Seth had a happy life and probably brought incredible joy to the family that loved him, I felt a severe hit to the gut that we missed it. That Noah never got to teach him to throw a ball or swim or ride a bike, like Hayden had with Becca.

And then there was the constant work of avoiding Noah’s eyes. It seemed that every time I looked his way, he’d be looking at me, and we’d stick like that for a few seconds, turning my insides to a shimmying mess. I’d shove more food I couldn’t taste into my mouth and stare at my plate like it was food from the gods until Shayna would occasionally pipe in with something, and then I’d catch Noah smiling at her and want to throw it all back up. It was the longest meal of my life.

“So, if you want to go back to your house for a while,” Noah was saying, as sound went with the look he was giving me, “I’ll swing by later.”

“What?” I said. He was coming over? All nerve endings went on sweat mode.

Noah looked at me questioningly, and I looked back and forth between them for clarification.

“You can have him to yourself for a little while,” Noah said slowly. “And I’ll pick him up later to go get some dinner and a beer.”

“Oh!” I exclaimed. “That sounds great. Absolutely.” I wondered if he’d want to start drinking early. Since my baby boy was now suddenly past drinking age. My brain needed massaging. And something to do. So I grabbed my phone.

“Put your heads together,” I said, not even letting myself think about it first. We needed new pictures of him. The look in Noah’s eyes as he looked at me for the photo was a sacrifice I’d have to make when I looked at it five hundred more times that night. Right.

“Good idea,” Shayna said, pulling her phone out to click away as well.

Noah chuckled. “Good luck over there,” he said, nudging Seth.

“Hey,” I said, tossing a carrot at him. “Be nice.” Food fights were progress, right?

“Just saying, if your daughter and grandmother show up, he’ll have three generations of women on his plate.”

“Ha ha,” I said. “I so hope you have a daughter, so you can truly have all that testosterone handed to you in a pink teacup and tiara.”

Both men laughed, Noah’s face and body relaxing. For that one tiny second, even for me, it was easy. Till he looked at Shayna and frowned.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

I looked at her and she’d gone white. Like gray-white. “Shayna?” I said, touching her arm.

“I’m okay,” she said, smiling it off but not too convincingly. “Just feeling a little puny is all.”

“Can I get you something?” Noah asked, grabbing her hand. Six inches from mine. Not that I noticed. At all. “Need to go home?”

“Hey, y’all go ahead,” I said. “We’ll head to my house from here.”

Noah paid the check and I didn’t miss the look of enormous relief that came over his features when Shayna got up and we weren’t side-by-side anymore. Guess it was a little wiggly from his side, too.

He slapped Seth on the back. “See you later, bud,” he said.

Knowing him, he’d thought about that since we’d sat down. What to say to sound nonchalant. He couldn’t say
son
, and
Seth
was so two hours ago. Bud would work. Perfect mix of affection and respectable distance.

I also didn’t miss the slight hesitance in his step as he passed me and the melting look he gave me. I ran a hand through my hair and waited for the feeling to come back to my tongue. Damn him and those looks.

Of course if I hadn’t been looking up at
him
. . .

Yeah.

“You ready?” Seth asked, a hint of a knowing smile playing at his lips.

“Sure,” I said. “A stop or two first.”

We ducked into the bookstore for a bit so I could introduce him better to Ruthie. She cried again, hugged him whether he wanted it or not, and gave him two fresh-baked peanut butter cookies and a book to take with him.

That’s what made her Ruthie.

I called Nana Mae, but there was no answer, so I left her a message.

“I figure you’re probably out walking, so call me when you get this, or come by the house. And just so there’s so cardiac arrest involved, I have more than pictures now.” I glanced at the man in my passenger seat. “Seth is here. In person.”

“Makes me sound famous,” he said. “Like Pink. Or Usher.”

“See, I would have gone with Sting or Madonna,” I said. “Maybe Cher. But I’m old.”

“Touché.”

“And you are famous to us,” I said. “You’ve been the secret on the shelf for too long. You coming out to shine makes it the best day ever.”

Seth took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I’m glad. You never know what reactions might be.” He raised his eyebrows as we turned into a residential section. “I read so many horror stories online about meet-ups gone wrong. I nearly turned around and drove back home the second I got here.”

“Seriously?” I said, feeling the tug at my insides. “But you said Noah’s dad got in touch with you.”

“Yeah, but that was just a grandfather. It wasn’t you or Noah.” I stopped to meet his eyes at a stop sign. “He wanted to surprise his son. That could have gone twenty different ways.”

“Wow, you’re right,” I said. “I bet that was scary. Thank you for not going home.”

Seth smiled, a little crooked, and the Noah of two decades ago peeked out. “Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t.”

I faced forward and continued driving, determined not to get mushy. “So, Detective,” I began, trying to lighten the subject. “I don’t see a wedding ring on your finger. Anyone special in your life?”

And my attempt at lightening was probably the most awkward thing ever to come out of my mouth. All these years, he’d been a baby. A child at most. Here he was a man, and I was asking him if he had a woman. I might as well check his wallet for condoms while I was at it.

A sigh laced with a bit of frustration came from his side of the car. He raked his fingers through his short hair.

“There was.”

I opened my mouth and closed it again.
Don’t be awkward a second time.
It was a harmless question but might not be to him. Might be huge. Might be too personal to talk about with someone he just met a few hours ago.

“I was engaged, actually,” he continued, canceling out my self-flogging. “For a whole four months.”

“I take it it didn’t end well?”

“No,” he said on a sigh. “Best way to kill a good relationship is to put a ring on it,” he said, smiling at his joke. But the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “We were together for three years before that. We should have just dated for life.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I hate to hear that.” I was. I wanted to go beat up the girl that hurt my baby and made his eyes look like that.

“It’s all good,” he said. “I should have known it was too easy with her. Too good to be true.”

“There’s something to that,” I said. “Sometimes it’s the harder relationships, the complicated ones you have to fight and claw for that have staying power. May give you gray hair and bruises, but, you know.”

Seth laughed. “Probably one of the things that spurred me on to find where I came from. I needed a diversion. And a connection.” He paused and looked my way. “I’m really glad this went well.”

“Me too,” I said, rounding onto my street. Becca’s car was in the driveway. At one in the afternoon on a school day. I blew out a breath. “Hold on to that thought, babe.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Not sure, but my Spidey sense is all twitchy.”

I pulled next to her little blue car and got out, staring a hole in the front door as I approached it. The door wasn’t locked, and we were greeted to a dancing Harley as she viewed Seth as new love. He instantly went to one knee and got acquainted, all the while absorbing the room in seconds.

“Becca?” I called.

The thump from above didn’t give me a warm fuzzy. Then her door squeaked open at the top of the stairs.

“Yeah?”

Yeah? Seriously?
“Becca!”

A sigh that had an audible eye roll with it traveled the stairs. “I’m coming.”

The door closed, and she headed down, her steps quick. Her lopsided hair swung out to the side as she came into view and opened her mouth to argue, but whatever words she had at the ready stuck there when she saw Seth petting Harley. She glanced at me in question.

“Why are you home?” I asked.

Her eyes went back to him. “Why are you?”

“Becca.”

Thank God she still had respect for “the tone.” I didn’t use it often, wanting it to be the sound of doom that would stop her in her tracks when I really needed it. This qualified. She straightened up and fiddled with the railing in front of her.

“I wasn’t feeling well,” she said.

“Are you sick?”

“Might be.”

“The school didn’t call me,” I said.

“Well, I just—” She paused and her eyes darted to Seth again. He stood up, causing Harley to climb his leg in protest.

“You just came home without telling anyone,” I said, rubbing my forehead. When would it stop?

“It’s not a big deal, Mom,” she said. “You make too much of it.”

“Actually, truancy is a big deal,” Seth said, causing her head to snap in his direction again. “Sorry,” he said, raising his hands to me in apology. “My thoughts get away from me sometimes.”

“And you are?” Becca said, coming down the last three steps with what I guessed she thought was sudden seniority.

“Seth,” he said, holding out a hand with a half smile on his face. “Nice to meet you.”

Becca’s mouth fell open. Boy, I was glad I’d told her, as she looked at me and back at him again. “Like, Seth?
That
Seth?”

He chuckled. “There I am being famous again. Yes, that Seth.”

“Oh, holy shit,” she said under her breath as she walked forward slowly and took his hand. “You’re my brother?”

My heart slammed against my ribs. God, what a sentence and what a sight. I never in a million years expected to look at the two of them standing in the same room. I almost stopped being mad at her.

“That’s the rumor,” he said softly, a smile playing at his lips.