Don't Let Go (32 page)

Problem was, some of that hurt was on me. Shayna had just reactivated it.

He didn’t move when I sat beside him, and I realized it was exactly how we’d sat many years earlier. On another rainy day. I felt my phone buzz in my jacket pocket, but it could wait.

“I’m not good company right now, Jules,” he said.

“Well, good thing I didn’t come here to hang out then, huh?” His hand moved over his face and then his hair. “Shayna’s looking for you. Been out here all night?”

“No, I just—landed here eventually.” He let out a heavy sigh. “This is where things used to make sense.”

“I know.”

The silence felt loud as we watched the rain hit the water in front of us. How many times had we sat there just like that in our younger years? It was a happy place then.

I chanced a look at his profile, and he’d gone hard again. He hadn’t shaved and it made him look tired and fierce at the same time. Walls and chains went up and made his eyes cold blue stones in a face locked down tight. Untouchable and unbreakable. I had a feeling he’d made good use of that in his career.

The wet cold was doing a job on me, I could feel the shivers coming on and I pulled my jacket tighter.

“You should go, Jules, it’s cold,” he said, his voice tired.

“Coming with me?”

“No.”

“Then I’m good,” I said. I had no clue what I was doing, but suddenly I knew I wasn’t leaving him.

He sighed and wiped rain from his face. “This doesn’t involve you,” he said.

Yeah, that kind of stung and gave me a twitch, but I shook it off with the raindrops. “Doesn’t really matter what it involves, does it? I’m here supporting a friend.”

“Which friend?”

“What?”

“You here to plead Shayna’s case?” he said, still staring ahead.

I frowned. “No. But she wasn’t an evil troll in this either. Her heart was in the right place. She wanted to raise this child with you.”

He shook his head. “I have to figure out what I’m going to do.” His voice was toneless, emotionless.

“As in?”

“As in what the hell am I doing here?” he said. “I was an idiot for coming back to Copper Falls. I swore I never would.”

There was that twitch again. “Good to see this doesn’t involve me,” I said, unable to keep the snark out of my voice.

He inhaled slowly through his nose, as if trying to maintain control. “I told you I wasn’t good company right now,” he said tightly. “I’m not going to say the right things, so please just—”

“Go. Yeah, I know,” I said. “I heard you. I don’t care.” My phone went off again but I ignored it.

He shot me a sideways look, but at least it was a look. “Whatever,” he said, defeat in his tone.

“Look, I know this sucks, and I know it probably brings it all back—”

“You don’t know what it does,” he snapped.

“Then talk to me, damn it!” I yelled. “You said things made sense here. Then make sense of it. Tell me.”

“I don’t need to talk. I’m fine,” he said through his teeth.

“Oh, yeah, this is model behavior for
fine
,” I said. “Sitting out in the cold rain glaring at the river.”

“And what’s your excuse?” he shot back.

I love you.

The words drifted across my brain in neon purple and red letters before I could even register them and argue. Oh, no. No, no, no. My skin lit up with a million tiny fires. No, I couldn’t go there, but I had. And he saw it.

The look he gave me hit me to the core, pinning me down. I couldn’t move, couldn’t look away, was stuck there helplessly with rain bouncing off my nose and my mouth working and no sound coming out. I tried to suck back the emotion, to do his glaze-over trick, but it wasn’t working.

Then he did the miraculous. He blinked and looked away, releasing me from the spell, but also looking thrown and off balance. And slightly less robotic. Dear God, I’d found the switch. But at what cost.

His jaw muscles worked double time, and he probably wanted to snap my neck, but at least he looked more human as he did it. I realized that I was most likely far outside my element, but what the hell. Breaking rules and boundaries—wasn’t that what everyone was always after me to do?

“My first instinct was to get on the next plane back to Italy,” he said finally. My stomach burned at the words, but I kept my mouth shut. “Back to the life I know. Or to make some calls—I could have any government job I wanted. Anywhere.” He rubbed at his eyes. “And anywhere would be easier than here.”

My chest felt like a gorilla took residence there. “So, you’re leaving?”

Noah shook his head minutely. “I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know right now is that the last time I was and will ever be a father, I was sitting on this bench. All three of us were here.”

Tears burned the backs of my eyes, but it didn’t matter anymore. They’d just mix with the rain.

He looked at me. “That’s why you painted it.”

“At the time, it was just a way to preserve something my mother couldn’t take away,” I said. “She didn’t know about this.” My chin trembled. “This was ours.”

“It’s not meant to be for me,” he said, more to himself than to me. “The only shot I had is a grown man now—”

I got up and knelt in front of him, raking my wet hair back and leaning on his knees. It was physical and a risky gamble, but one he’d taken when I was crumbling out behind a bar.

“And that grown man is still your son,” I said. “You
are
his father. Maybe you don’t ever get the child part of the deal, but you get to know
him
.”

His eyes softened. “I know.”

“That’s a miracle.”

He nodded. “I know that, too.”

“And whether you want to hear it or not,” I continued. “Someone raised our son and loved him. You could do the same for this one.”

“It’s not the same situation.”

“I know it’s not,” I said. “I know you feel betrayed, but—” I pictured the words like on a chalkboard.
Just read it, Jules.
“You have a woman who loves you, who’s willing to follow you to the ends of the earth just to be with you. Crazy town, crazy father-in-law, secret children and ex-girlfriends all lurking everywhere.”

I finished with a smirk, trying to lighten things up, but the smolder in his eyes as he leaned forward only made my skin heat up. On the upside, he was looking at me. Fully looking at me.

On the downside, he was fully looking at me.

“Your ex is still in love with you, too,” he said, his face only inches from mine. “That enough for
you
?”

As all my breath left me, I was wishing for that glaze-over to come back. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Definitely had a purpose. My phone buzzed for a third time. Someone really wanted me, something might be on fire somewhere, but I let it go.

Closing his eyes as if completely worn out, he leaned his forehead against mine. Every nerve ending in my body came to attention, and I could hear my breathing, feel my blood move.

“Feel that, Jules?” he said softly. “That rush? That draw? The electricity?”

What I felt was the breath from his words on my lips, and my extremities going numb as thunder rumbled in the distance. Protecting the heart again. Oh, if only something could.

“Electricity is dangerous,” I whispered, even as my lips moved upward all on their own. I couldn’t stop.

“Jules,” he breathed against my mouth.

“I’m sorry,” I said against his.

“I’m not.”

Heat burned my eyes as his mouth claimed mine, hungry, taking, pulling all he could from me as fast as I could give it. My body flipped on switches everywhere as the taste of him filled my senses again. Rain pounded harder, soaking us to the skin, but all I could feel were his hands fisting in my hair and the feel of his neck and face and head under my fingers. His whiskers were rough and scraping, but I pulled him in closer, tighter, needing to give as much as he needed to take.

Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled louder, closer. Thoughts flashed with it. We couldn’t do this.
We couldn’t do this
. He wasn’t free. And he might run again. And yet those words in my head had been real, and he’d seen it and they were there, reeling me in. My need for him balled up in my belly like a fireball, pushing its way up until I was trembling with it. Shaking as I held him and made love to his mouth, kissing him with all the passion I had, trying to give him the love I couldn’t say out loud.

But it wasn’t just me. As another round of thunder crashed around us, I realized he was shaky too. He pulled away from me with hot angry tears in his eyes and a growl in his throat.

“Fuck, how do you do this to me, Jules?” he said, angry frustration making his voice husky. “I don’t break like this. How do you always break me?”

I took his face in my hands again before I lost the ground I’d gained. “It doesn’t make you less, Noah,” I said, my voice trembling, my eyes burning. “It’s okay to hurt, to feel, to be angry. At me, at Shayna, your dad, my mom—whatever.”

“Getting mad doesn’t solve anything.”

“Sure it does!” I said. “It lets it out and makes you feel a hell of a lot better, and it’s better than run—” I stopped myself, knowing it could go very south very quickly. “It’s better than leaving.”

Even the wind blowing the rain sideways into our faces didn’t hide the deep-rooted stare he gave me.

“You were going to say
running
.”

Damn special ops people picked up on everything. “Whatever fits, babe,” I whispered. “But you have to figure out what’s right for you.” Damn it, his mouth was right there and I had the overwhelming urge to kiss him again. Before I’d never get to again. I dragged my gaze to his eyes instead, which wasn’t much better. “Just do me a favor,” I added.

“What?”

I swallowed hard against the words I couldn’t ignore. “Don’t leave without saying good-bye this time.”

He looked like I’d just punched his dog. My phone buzzed again, and I grabbed it for something to do so I could look away before I started to cry again. I hunched over it to protect it from the downpour, and saw it was Hayden. Great. At least he didn’t have his own ringtone. The other missed calls were from him as well, which put my nerves on alert.

“Hang on,” I said. “He doesn’t call me unless—Hello?”

“Where are you?” Hayden demanded through the phone.

I flinched as if he’d yelled in my face. “What the hell?”

Noah started to pull his hand away from mine, and I grabbed it, meeting his eyes. I didn’t want to let go. To lose that contact. It was as if he’d teleport back to some other part of the world if I did.

“I’m at the bookstore, where are you?” Hayden said.

“I’m—nearby,” I said.
Across the street in the park, in the rain, making out with Noah.
“Why are you at the store?”

“To find you because you wouldn’t answer your phone,” he said. “Is there a reason Becca’s out of school today? Exam exemptions or something?”

Doom that reminded me of my real life settled into my skin. Real life that didn’t include romance or man drama or old flames, but was more centered on homework and bad plumbing and utility bills. And Becca skipping school.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I just saw her on the back of a motorcycle with some guy going down the highway.”

Chapter 21

Shit.

In the few minutes it took Noah and me to make it to the store, Seth arrived there as well. He took one look at our faces as we jogged across the street to get under the awning, teeth chattering and my face probably raw, and raised an eyebrow.

Glorious.

I yanked open the door to blessed warmth and some rather unblessed looks from Hayden. Ruthie was mouthing an
I’m sorry
in the background, and his prepared words died on his lips when his eyes landed on Noah. They narrowed back on me. On us. And our disheveled, drowned rat appearance.

“Really?” he said.

“Becca?” I said, refocusing him.

Hayden blinked that particular irritation free and picked the more relevant one.

“I was headed to Katyville, just before the sky opened up, and what should pass me but a motorcycle going ninety-to-nothing. My first thought was well, they’re trying to beat the rain. My second thought was oh, hey, look, there’s Becca’s hair.”

“No helmet,” I said, like that was the biggest issue.

“No,” he said.

“You’re sure it was her?” I asked, although with her history I didn’t really question it. I blew on my frozen fingers.

“I’m sure,” he said. “I tried to follow but they exited on Cayman Boulevard and I lost them. Been calling you ever since.”

“Jules,” Ruthie said, her face wary, her eyes darting to Hayden. “Cayman is—”

“I know what Cayman is,” Hayden said, wheeling around. “Thanks.”

“Hey, don’t be a prick, Hayden,” I said, my teeth chattering harder and my whole body shaking at that point. “She’s trying to help.”

He closed his eyes for a second to pull it together, and I knew it was hard. Noah’s presence wasn’t helping. Knowing that his daughter just went to an infamous part of town known locally as Sin Alley was enough. Cayman Boulevard was lined with seedy motels that generally charged by the hour. I was pretty nauseous over it myself.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry,” he echoed, turning to Ruthie. “I’m just—”

“I know,” I said, peeling my soaked jacket off.

“Jesus, Jules,” Hayden said, coming forward and rubbing my arms. “You’re like gray.”

“I’m good,” I said, catching his hands, too aware of Noah standing there. Which was crazy since he had a woman at home waiting on him. Kind of. “What do we do? Drive up and down Cayman till we see the bike?”

“I don’t think that’s wise,” Noah said, having miraculously controlled his own reaction to the cold. He wasn’t even shaking anymore. I didn’t know how, but then again he had been trained to be Superman.

“I’m sorry, were you consulted?” Hayden asked.

“Hayden—”

“Don’t
Hayden
me, Jules,” he said, an edge curving his words up at the ends, a tell that meant he was at a breaking point.

“I’m just saying,” Noah continued, his voice even and calm. “To think back.” His eyes bored into me. “You were her age.
We
were. How would it have gone down if
your
mother had walked in?”