Don't Let Me Go (57 page)

Please, please, let her little spirit bring her through again. Don’t let this time in care, the fear and confusion of why Mummy disappeared, turn out to be what’s finally broken her.

‘You’ll have plenty of help,’ Tracy reminded her. ‘She’s already seeing a psychologist, and we’re hopeful she’ll start responding more favourably to him if you’re there too.’

Him? Charlotte had wanted to say. Didn’t they realise, after everything Chloe had suffered at the hands of her father, how hard she’d find it to open up to a man? She guessed they did know, but with so many children in the system it wasn’t always possible to make a special case of an individual, though where they’d been able, she’d discovered, they had placed her with a single woman. Tracy hadn’t yet told her much detail about any of the carers, but Charlotte would be quizzing her on it soon, since it was going to be vital for her to know as much as she could about what Chloe had been through as she tried to settle her back in.

With so much to do and make plans for, Thursday evening was suddenly upon them, and while she was a hundred times more agitated than a teenager preparing for a first date, she knew she had to set it aside for at least a few hours. This was going to be the last night she and Anthony would spend together for a while, and she wasn’t sure exactly when they’d see each other next. They’d agreed it wouldn’t be right for him to come to the flat until Charlotte felt Chloe was ready to meet him – and before that she’d have to explain who he was.

That might be easier if she had an idea of who he wanted to be in Chloe’s world, presuming he wanted to be in it at all. He hadn’t said he didn’t, and given how readily he’d thrown himself into the preparations for her return, not to mention into achieving it, Charlotte had to believe that he had at least some sort of plan for staying in their lives. On the other hand, he might be viewing tonight as the perfect time for them to go their separate ways.

Watching him as he stood at the table pouring two glasses of wine, the sun streaming in through the open windows either side of him and the cry of seagulls swooping through the air outside, she couldn’t help thinking of her mother’s words:
Sometimes people come into our lives for the time they’re needed and then they go again
.

She was desperate for that not to be the case with Anthony, but maybe it was why he’d never been willing to discuss the future; he’d always known in his mind that once the trial was over and Chloe’s custody was sorted, he’d be moving on with his life. Was that what he was preparing to tell her now, as he brought her drink to the sofa and sat at the opposite end?

He usually sat with her, so why the distance?

She had no right to expect him to delay his plans any longer than he already had; six months had passed since the start of his sabbatical, and thanks to her he’d had virtually no time off at all. He’d intended to travel, to take time to think about his future and whether he wanted to go in a new direction or continue with the law. He was such a practised, even natural, barrister that she couldn’t help feeling it would be a great loss to the Bar, to the public too, if he decided to give it all up. On the other hand, if he did stay with it she’d have to accept that there could be no future for them at all.

Unable to bear even the thought of that, she forced a smile as they touched glasses and toasted tomorrow.

‘I wonder,’ he said, lifting a foot on to one knee in his habitual fashion, ‘if she has any idea that all her dreams are about to come true?’

Swallowing her nerves, Charlotte replied, ‘I doubt it. Tracy thought it was best to leave telling her until she goes to pick her up in the morning.’

Seeming to see the sense of that, he took another sip of his wine and said, ‘Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day, once she’s back?’

‘No, not really.’ Having been unable to think much beyond how it was going to be when she actually saw her, and that kept changing by the minute, she’d been unable to focus her mind much beyond it. ‘If it feels right I might take her over to the carousel, or for a walk on the beach. They’re places she’ll recognise from before.’ Wanting to close the gap between them, she reached for his hand. ‘You understand, don’t you . . .’

‘Ssh, of course I understand,’ he interrupted. ‘It would be very confusing for her to have me around at this stage, although I must admit, I’m keen to meet her.’

Loving him for those words, she said, ‘I just know you’ll fall for her the same way I did. She’s so sweet and good and eager to please, though I have to admit I’m hoping she’ll learn how to be as naughty as the next child one of these days.’

Smiling, he linked his fingers through hers and drank some more wine.

‘What will you do tomorrow?’ she asked.

‘Actually, I was thinking I’d go up to London for a few days. I ought to check the mail and make sure the house is still standing.’

‘Do you realise I’ve never actually seen where you live?’ she reminded him.

He arched a humorous eyebrow and she couldn’t help but smile. The only reason she’d never been to London with him was because until last week her bail terms had confined her to Kesterly.

Would he invite her there now?

‘Tell me,’ he said, ‘do you want me to get to know Chloe?’

Her heart leapt with the shock of surprise. ‘Yes, of course,’ she assured him. ‘More than anything. Why on earth would you think otherwise?’

He was watching her closely.

Remembering how well he read her, she seemed to collapse inside as she said, ‘OK, I have to admit, I don’t want to get her used to you only for you to disappear again, and I know you have plans . . .’

His hand went up. ‘My plans are not what you think they are. In fact, they’ve changed so radically over the last few months that I can barely remember what they used to be.’

Reacting to the humour in his eyes, she asked, ‘So are you going to tell me what they are now?’

He appeared thoughtful, apparently debating his reply. ‘You know, I’m really not sure this is the right time to get into that,’ he told her. ‘I think you need to get Chloe home first, settle her in, and then we might have a clearer idea of what we both want to do.’

Though his words were beyond generous, her heart contracted with misgiving. ‘You know I want to go for adoption so I can take her back to New Zealand,’ she said. ‘I’ve never made a secret of it . . .’

‘Actually, you’ve never spelled it out that clearly before, but obviously I assumed it was what you intended.’

Feeling utterly wretched now, she said, ‘Which doesn’t fit in with you at all.’

His head went to one side. ‘Are you telling me, or asking me?’

Since she wasn’t entirely sure, she lowered her eyes as she sought the courage to speak the words that were clambering to the top of her heart.

In the end, clinging to them before they could disappear, she said, ‘My mother told me once that I couldn’t make my whole life about Chloe. Even though I knew she was right I didn’t want to listen. In fact I hated hearing it, mainly because I love Chloe with all my heart and I know I always will.’ Her eyes flicked briefly to his. ‘The thing is,’ she continued, still not quite able to look at him, ‘since we’ve been together, you and me, I’ve discovered that it doesn’t mean I can’t feel as strongly for someone else. In fact I clearly can, because I do. But what I need to do for Chloe, and what I want to do for us – and for me and my mother, now we’ve found each other again . . . I keep trying to reconcile it all in my mind, to sort out what to do for the best, but I never seem able to come up with an answer that can work for everyone.’

Taking her glass from her hand, he put it on the table and drew her to him. ‘You’ve got a big day ahead of you tomorrow,’ he said softly, ‘and no doubt a few more challenges to overcome before any real decisions can be made. So maybe it’s time to relax now, think a little about what we’ve said, and then concentrate on how happy you’re going to make one very lucky little girl in the morning.’

Chapter Twenty-Seven

‘
SHE’S OUTSIDE IN
the garden,’ Sally was saying as she led Tracy through to the kitchen. ‘All her stuff’s ready, not that she has much, but I bought her a couple of things, a new toothbrush and a flannel. I’d have got her some toys, but all she ever seems to want is the bear.’

Unsurprised to hear that, Tracy went to the open door where a beaded curtain was fluttering in the breeze. ‘Have you told her anything?’ she asked, peering through.

‘Well no,’ Sally said awkwardly. ‘You said not to, so I just mentioned that you were coming today.’

Spotting Chloe sitting at the far end of the lawn with her legs outstretched and the bear between them, facing her, Tracy felt captivated all over again by how cute – and horribly lonely – she seemed. Then she frowned. ‘She looks as though she’s talking,’ she remarked, glancing back at Sally.

Peering over Tracy’s shoulder, Sally said, ‘I expect she is, because she does to the bear. As soon as you get close she clams up again.’

Intrigued, Tracy moved on through the curtain and turned off her mobile as she started across the grass. For the next hour or so she wanted her focus to be wholly on Chloe and returning her to Charlotte. After that she could turn her attention to the three dozen or more children in her caseload who, by then, would be in far greater need of her care.

‘Hello you,’ she said tenderly as Chloe turned to watch her coming. ‘How are you today?’

As usual there was no reply. However, instead of getting to her feet and taking Tracy’s hand, the way she normally did in the hope of being taken to Mummy, she stayed sitting on the grass with her bear.

‘Were you having a nice little chat with Boots?’ Tracy asked, going down to her level.

Chloe’s eyes went to the bear, but she neither nodded nor shook her head.

‘I’ve got some good news for you,’ Tracy told her in a whisper. ‘Do you want to know what it is?’

Still no response.

‘How about we go and see Mummy?’ Tracy said, thrilled that she was finally able to utter those words.

To her amazement Chloe didn’t react to that either.

‘Did you hear what I said?’ Tracy asked gently. ‘We’re going to see Mummy.’

Chloe’s head stayed down.

Concerned, Tracy said, ‘I thought you’d be excited to see Mummy.’

A cracked little whisper broke from Chloe’s lips.

‘What did you say?’ Tracy asked.

‘Mummy’s dead,’ Chloe told her.

Puzzled, Tracy said, ‘Mummy isn’t dead. Why do you say that?’

‘Actually,’ Sally piped up from behind her, ‘technically speaking her mother is dead.’

Tracy turned to look up at her. She surely hadn’t just heard right.

Sally shrugged awkwardly.

Taking her to one side so Chloe wouldn’t hear, Tracy said, ‘Have you told her her mother’s dead?’

Sally swallowed. ‘I thought it would be for the best, and it’s not a lie, is it, because the woman what gave birth to her, she’s not with us any more, is she?’

‘But you know she thinks of Charlotte as her mother,’ Tracy hissed.

Trying to shrug it off, Sally said, ‘Yeah, but it wasn’t looking very like Charlotte was coming back for her either, was it? So I thought it would help her to move on if she knew the truth.’

‘Except it’s not the truth,’ Tracy snapped, failing to bite down on her anger. ‘You can’t take these decisions into your own hands . . .’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean no harm,’ Sally rasped. ‘I’d never do anything to hurt her, not intentionally. I’ve become really fond of her, Bobby has too. We were even talking about seeing if we could adopt her.’

Having dealt with many people whose intelligence wasn’t quite what she’d have liked it to be, Tracy knew there was no point remonstrating with the silly woman now. The damage had already been done and all she could do was hope it wasn’t lasting.

Returning to Chloe, she lifted her to her feet and lowered herself so she could look into her eyes. ‘Mummy’s not dead,’ she told her softly, ‘she’s at home waiting for you, and I’m going to take you there now.’

Whether or not Chloe believed her was impossible to tell, for once again she showed no reaction.

Since there was only one way to handle this now, Tracy took Chloe to the car, sat her in, then opened her mobile to call Charlotte.

It’s not going to matter
, Charlotte kept telling herself, as she paced up and down waiting for Tracy and Chloe to arrive.
As soon as she sees me she’ll know it’s not true and everything will be fine.

‘Of course it will,’ Anthony had reassured her when she’d called to tell him what had happened. ‘Does she even really know what dead is?’

‘I’m not sure. I wouldn’t think so, at her age. I know I’ve never explained it to her, but heaven only knows what the wretched carer has told her.’

‘Whatever it was, you’re in a position now to put things straight.’

‘Of course. And I will. I mean, how can I not when I’m patently not dead?’

‘Take a breath,’ he advised.

Doing as she was told, she found it helped. ‘Are you still OK with our change of plan?’ she asked. Having decided during the night that it wouldn’t be a good idea to make a big deal out of introducing him to Chloe, she’d woken him up to suggest that he came with her family as though he was one of them, or at least a friend who was kind of supposed to be there.

‘If you think that’s the best way to go,’ he told her now, ‘I’m up for it, but I really will have to go to London on Monday at least for a couple of days.’

‘OK, it’s fine. I’m sorry I’ve asked you to put it off, but the more I think about it the more convinced I am that we need to do it this way.’ She jumped and almost gasped as the door buzzer blasted down the hall. ‘That must be them,’ she blurted. ‘Wish me luck,’ and forgetting to say goodbye she clicked off the line and ran to the entryphone.

‘Hi, it’s us,’ Tracy announced over the intercom. ‘I’ve had to leave the car on a double yellow . . .’

‘I’ll bring down a permit,’ Charlotte told her, wanting to kick herself for not thinking of it sooner.

‘No, it’s OK, I’ll come and get it.’

‘Is she . . . Is she with you?’