Don't Look Back (16 page)

In Carson’s father’s old red pickup truck, which smelled faintly of cigars, I pressed back into the seat and continued breathing deeply, hands clasped against my stomach. My pulse had finally started to slow down. “If I had known what was going on, I would’ve come inside

sooner,” Carson said quietly.
I swallowed. “It’s not your... your problem, and it’s okay.” “It shouldn’t be your problem, and it’s not okay.” He reached

over, gently pulling my hands free. “Are you all right?” “I’m fine.” I let out a shaky breath. “I think I was having a
panic attack. I thought I heard...”
“Heard what?” His hand smoothed over mine, then folded
over it.
When he was touching me like that, I’d probably admit just
about anything. I turned my head toward him. A fine current of
electricity shimmed between us. “I thought someone asked me if I’d
killed Cassie, but I was ... hearing things.” Forcing a weak laugh, I looked out the window. Kids streamed out the barn doors. Del
was among them. “Or maybe some of them do think I killed her.” “They don’t think that.”
I shot him a dull look. “It’s not like I’m a fan favorite here—
then or now.”
His lips twitched. “Well, if they do think it, then they’re
idiots.” He let go of my hand and started the truck. It rumbled
to life. “So, want me to take you home? Or do you want me to
go get Scott for you?”
“Actually, do you have plans? I was wondering if you’d like
to do something with me today.”
He arched a brow. “The answer is yes and always, probably
for a very long time, too.” His gaze dropped to my lips. “But
unless you’ve kicked Del the Dick to the curb, I’m going to have
to refuse.”
My cheeks burned, and my stomach warmed at his teasing.
“Um, that’s not what I’m asking, but good to know.” “Hmm. It wasn’t?” Carson’s lips spread into a half grin. “So
what were you asking?”
Images of us together occupied my mind for a couple more
seconds. “I was wondering if you would take me up to the cliff.” “I can do that.” Carson shifted the gears. His hand brushed
along my thigh, and I jerked at the contact. “But you probably
want to change first.”
The images were still there, in a lot more detail than before.
Us kissing. Touching. Talking.
Carson slid me a look. A knowing, smug grin split his lips.
“Sam.”
I blinked. “Change of clothes. Got it.”
He chuckled as he shifted gears again, grazing my leg with
the side of his hand. I doubted it was accidental. Then he threw
his arm over the back of my seat and turned his head toward me.
Because I was staring at him, the movement put us within kissing distance. My heart leaped into my throat. For a moment, I
thought he was going to say “screw the good-guy thing” and go
for it. A second later I realized he was backing up.
Awkward.
Carson met my eyes and winked. I let out the breath I was
holding, so aware of him that I felt as if I’d climb out of my skin
at any second. And he knew it. That smug half grin was on his
face the whole way to my house.
I snuck in and quickly changed into hiking-appropriate
clothing. The house seemed empty, but I didn’t stick around to
find out, doubtful that either of my parents would’ve been down
with me hanging out with Carson.
We stopped at his house, and he changed out of his dress
clothes. Returning in under two minutes, he’d thrown on a pair
of jeans and a light sweater.
The trip to the state forest was bumpy. The truck rocked,
and my phone slipped out of my fingers, falling to the floorboard.
Reaching down, my hand knocked into something soft, and I
grabbed it with my phone.
It was a hat—the black baseball cap I’d seen him wear
before.
An image of the man in the woods flashed before me. He’d been wearing a black cap, but that... that was only a memory or
a stress-induced hallucination. It couldn’t be...
“Your hat?” I said hoarsely.
Carson glanced at me, brows raised. “Yeah, had it for years.” I put it on the dashboard, quickly dismissing the irrational
fear. As we drove up the narrow dirt road, I glanced at him. “I
tried to talk to Del before Veronica turned on me.”
He gave me a sidelong glance. “Sam, I don’t want to be the
reason why you leave him.”
“You’re not,” I said honestly. “Things aren’t the same between
Del and me, and that has nothing to do with you.”
“Okay.” One of his fingers tapped on the steering wheel.
“Has he told you anything about your relationship?” I shook my head. “Other than our relationship was perfect? No.”
Carson let out a choked laugh. “He said that? Wow.” “What?” My interest was immediately piqued.
“Your relationship was far from perfect.” Turning onto a
gravelly, bumpy road put us right into direct sunlight. He reached
over, grabbed the baseball cap, and slid it on. “You guys were like
Cassie and Trey, fighting all the time.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yep.” He squinted, making a sharp right. “You guys didn’t
break up like Trey and Cassie did all the time, but you two fought
like crazy.”
I slumped back against the seat. Del had lied to me, and
I’d believed him—believed in this perfect, fairy-tale romance. Feeling stupid, I glared out the window. There were more than enough signs that things weren’t perfect. The looks the girls gave
me, the times Del had slipped up.
“You doing okay over there?” he asked.
My hands balled into fists. “I’m pissed! It’s bad enough that
I don’t remember anything, but lying to me? He took advantage
of me. I feel like an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot, Sam.”
Pressing my lips together, I shook my head. Maybe I wasn’t
stupid, but I’d been incredibly naive. How many more people
were lying to me? And about what? About things that were far
more serious than the status of my relationship with Del, no
doubt. My chest ached at all the possibilities. What if I was a
murderous teenage brat and all the signs had been there? And no
one wanted to tell me?
We came to a stop at a dead end blocked off with a chain
and a weathered sign that marked the property private. Carson killed the engine and sat back, looking at me.
“There’s a trail that actually leads straight from your parents’
house to the cliff. I only know from helping Dad do stuff around
the summer home. You could’ve made it at night, though.” Looking around and seeing nothing but thick wilderness,
it was hard to imagine wandering around here at night and not
getting eaten by a bear. “Who owns it?”
“The state, I guess. Not really sure, but you and Scott used
to hang out up here a lot when you were younger.” He paused. “I
would tag along when your parents let me. You used to love to
stand on the edge of the cliff. Freaked me and Scott out.” I smiled faintly. “So this place meant something to me?” “I think so.”
Reaching for the handle to open the door, I drew in a deep
breath. “Ready?”
“Can you wait a sec?” Carson asked, pulling off the cap. He
ran a hand through his hair, then tossed the hat onto the dashboard. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
Dismay stirred inside me, and my heart dropped all the way
to my toes. Nothing good came from statements like that. Letting
go of the handle, I twisted toward him. “What?”
He stared straight ahead, eyes narrowed and jaw clenched.
“I haven’t been completely honest with you about some things.” I opened my mouth, but nothing came out except a ragged
breath. The ache was back in my chest, but different this time.
It was centered over my heart, raw and worried like an overexposed wound. Part of me didn’t want to know what he hadn’t
been truthful about, but I couldn’t—wouldn’t—run from this.
Squaring my shoulders, I braced myself for whatever he was about
to say.
“Okay,” I finally said. “Tell me.”
His gaze slid toward me. “Remember when I told you that
you were my first kiss?” When I nodded, he let out a long breath.
“Well, you were also my last kiss.”
I cocked my head to the side, unsure I heard him correctly.
Out of everything I was expecting him to say, that wasn’t even
near the bottom of the list. “Come again?”
Carson’s lips twitched into a tiny half smile that quickly
faded. “I saw you the night you disappeared.”
Forcing myself to not climb across the seat and throttle him,
I gripped my knees as anger pricked at my skin. “Why didn’t
you tell me?”
“It’s complicated. And I know... I know that’s not a goodenough excuse. I told the police, so I’m surprised that they never
told you.” He looked away, working the muscle in his jaw. “But
what happened between us...”
I sucked in a sharp breath.
Between us
could only mean a few
things. If he’d lied to me about
that
... well, the pressure building
in my throat and behind my eyes said enough. “What happened?” “I was hanging around with Scott, watching a movie down
in the basement. It was close to ten when I left. The house was
completely dark. I don’t even think your dad was home. I headed
out the back way, through the sunroom just in case your mom was
roaming around. I didn’t see you at first.” His forehead creased
as he ran the tips of his fingers down his face. “I heard you—
you were sitting on one of those damn window seats, crying. I
should’ve turned and went in the other direction, but I couldn’t
walk away. Not when you were crying.”
My fingers loosened around my knees as some of the tension
eased off. Carson wasn’t the kind of guy who could walk away
from a crying girl. Recalling what I did know about that night, I
felt a sour taste in my mouth. “I was with Del until nine.” Carson nodded slowly. “I asked if you were okay, and you got
up and turned on the light. You weren’t wearing that ... necklace.
So I figured you had a big blow-up with him.”
“He said I took it off to shower after...uh...”
He arched a brow. “Unless crying is something you typically
do after having sex, I have a feeling that’s not why you took it off.” Mortification turned my entire body red. That was so not
the conversation I wanted to have with Carson. “Okay, good
point. Moving on.”
“Well, you acted like you normally did. Got in my face, and
we started arguing, but it was different.” He leaned his head back
against the seat, closing his eyes. “As pissy as you were being with
me, you were
still
crying. And I’d never seen you like that. I don’t
even know what I was thinking, but I grabbed you to ... comfort
you or something, and you just came at me.”
“I came at you?”
One side of his lips curved up. “You kissed me. No warning
whatsoever. You just laid one on me.”
Oh dear god. I slumped against the seat. Not only was I a
mean girl, but I’d also molested Carson. Nice.
“I was kind of shocked at first ... and then I kissed you
back.” He sighed again. “It was all pretty intense—angry, actually. Kind of hot, too. Then you got a text message, pushed me
away, and stormed off. That was the last time I saw you.” Having no idea how to respond to any of that, I stared at
him. Being upset had to have something to do with Del and then
my phone going off. ... Cassie? My thoughts lingered on that for a
moment and then flipped right back to the fact that I had kissed
Carson—really kissed Carson.
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I asked quietly. He tilted his head toward me, meeting my stare with crystalline eyes. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not proud of it. Even though you didn’t have that damn necklace on, as far as I knew, you were still with Del. And I’m not big on making out with another guy’s girlfriend. I know I have a
reputation—maybe you don’t remember it.”
“I’ve heard,” I muttered.
Carson snorted. “And you were upset. Shit, that’s, like, taking advantage of you. My mom would’ve knocked me upside the
head if she were alive.”
I smiled faintly at that, but then I thought of Candy and
Trey. Had they been messing around before Cassie and Trey
broke up? Possibly not very important now, but something about
that nagged me.
“Are you pissed at me?” he asked quietly.
Good question.
I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. Del
had lied to me. My friends had lied to me. And now Carson had.
Part of me could understand why Carson had felt he had to lie to
me, but it didn’t make it okay. I looked away, putting my thumb
to my mouth and gently chewed at the nail. “I don’t know.” Several moments passed, and then Carson reached out,
pulling my hand away from my mouth. “You should really stop
doing it.”
My face flushed. “Yeah, I guess ... it’s a nervous habit.” “You used to do it as a kid.”
“That’s what my dad says.” His hand was still around
mine, the warmth of his fingers pleasant in spite of the lie. “So
I kissed you?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded slowly. “And you kissed me back?”
“Yep.”
Sending him a sidelong look, I raised my brows. “Well, did
you like it even though you weren’t proud of it?”
A smile pulled at his lips, and a wicked glint darkened his
eyes to midnight blue. “Oh, yeah, I enjoyed it.”
I felt my lips responding to his smile. “Well, that helps me
not to be too mad at you.” I pulled my hand free and reached for
the door handle. “You ready now?”
Carson nodded, and we climbed out of the truck. He went
to the chain, lifting the rusted metal high enough that I could
easily dip under it. He moved in front of me, and I followed,
mulling over what I’d discovered. Truth be told, I really didn’t
know how I felt about his lying to me. And that wasn’t even the
most important part of what he’d told me.
Why had I been crying after leaving Del’s?
Del had lied about our relationship—that much was certain. But about what, exactly? Had we broken up? Is that why
I’d taken his necklace off? And most important, did our breakup
have anything to do with Cassie?
Once again, the picture of Cassie and Del floated to the
surface of my mind. But this time it was different. Feelings were
tied to the image. Anger. Disappointment. I knew there was more,
just out of reach, waiting for me to put two and two together. Cassie.
Del.
I stopped beside a prickly bush as a wave of foreign emotions
crashed over me. Cassie and Del...
Having realized I’d stopped, Carson backtracked. “Hey, you
doing okay?”
“Yeah, I just... I don’t know.” How could I explain what
I was feeling—thinking? I tipped my head back. Deep blue sky
broke through the branches. “Do you think Cassie and Del had
something going on?”
“I really don’t know,” he said, leaning against a tree. “I
wouldn’t put it past either of them.”
“Why was I friends with someone like that? How could I
date someone like Del?” Before he could answer, I’d figured it
out. The revelation wasn’t new or anything, but it still stung like
a wasp. “Because I was just like them.”
Carson pushed off the tree and took my hand, threading his