Don’t Tell Mummy (2 page)

Antoinette, the child, came to me in that space that twilight creates, when dreams have deserted us but consciousness still slumbers. Dressed in shades of grey, her ivory-white face gleamed up at me from under her ebony fringe.

‘Toni,’ she whispered, ‘why did you never allow me to grow up?’

‘Leave me in peace,’ I silently cried, summoning all my mental energy to push her away.

My eyes opened and now only dust motes danced in the air, but when I placed my hands on my face they came away damp from a child’s tears on adult cheeks.

‘Toni,’ she whispered, ‘let me tell you the story of what really happened. It’s time now.’

I knew that Antoinette was awake now and I would not be able to force her to resume the years of slumber that once I had banished her to. Closing my eyes I allowed her whisper to filter into my mind as she started our story.

M
y first memories were of my mother and me living in a house with a garden in Kent, where my diminutive grandmother was a frequent and welcome visitor. Upon hearing her voice calling ‘Antoinette, where are you?’ as she pretended to search for me, I would stop whatever I was doing, rush to greet her and to be hugged in return

She had a fragrance particular to her, a mixture of face powder and lily of the valley, a scent that in the future always evoked memories of her. I would feel a glow of love between us as I breathed in that aroma.

On sunny days she would suggest leisurely walks towards the main street of Tenterdon, where we would make our way to one of the oak-beamed tearooms. My play clothes would have been exchanged for a clean dress, my face and hands wiped and my hair brushed before I was considered presentable enough for such outings.

Once she had placed high heels on her feet and picked up a matching handbag, my mother would apply bright red lipstick, fluff powder on her nose and the three of us would set off.

A black-and-white-uniformed waitress would show us to our table, where my grandmother would proceed to order
afternoon tea. Scones with jam and cream, followed by individual pink and yellow iced cakes, were washed down by diluted squash for me, tea for the two adults.

My mother, wearing a square-necked dress, her head bare, would chatter companionably to my grandmother, who, always, regardless of the weather, hid her still red-gold hair under a hat. Ladies of a similar age, dressed in printed dresses topped by straw boaters or pillboxes, would greet her with smiles, remark how much I was growing and comment on the weather, a subject which, to my child’s ears, grown-ups always showed an inordinate interest in.

Another special outing was when we visited Mrs Trivett, an old school friend of my grandmother’s who, to my delight, made homemade sweets in her tiny black and white cottage. Her postage-stamp-sized garden was filled with deep raspberry pink hydrangeas, whose big lacy heads hung over the low brick wall and nodded in the breeze. To my fascination two plump gnomes sat underneath one bush, fishing rods in their hands. Perhaps it was Mrs Trivett who sowed the seeds of my mother’s affection for these garden ornaments in later life.

My grandmother would knock the freshly polished knocker against the black door and Mrs Trivett, wrapped in a voluminous apron, would open it, releasing the warm scent from the bubbling concoction, which later would become the sweets I loved.

Taking me into her kitchen she would show me how they were made. Fat strips of the sugary-smelling black and white mixture were placed over a hook by the door, then squeezed and pulled until they trebled in length. Only when their length had increased to Mrs Trivett’s satisfaction were
they taken down, some to be cut into small squares, others into larger pieces which were rolled into humbugs.

Engrossed, I would watch, my cheeks bulging with some of her samples, as I rolled the one she had told me I could ‘test’ around my tongue. When the last drop of the sugary syrup had slid down my throat I would play the same game we played every time.

‘Mrs Trivett, what are little girls made of?’

I never grew tired of her reply.

‘Why Antoinette, how many times do I have to tell you? Sugar and spice, of course, and all things nice!’

I would giggle happily and she would reward me with another sweet.

On other days my mother showed me the games she’d enjoyed playing as a child; the sort of games passed down through the decades, from generation to generation. We dressed dolls and made mud pies with a small bucket and spade. But my favourite one involved using a tea set my grandmother had given me to give pretend tea parties. First I would arrange the tiny cups and saucers on a cloth, beside them the teapot and miniature milk jug. Then the matching plates would be laid in a neat row. When the cloth table was ready to my satisfaction small pebbles or flowers would take the place of sandwiches and cakes, which would then be offered to my adult playmates or my collection of dolls. Imaginary tea would be poured and passed round and dolls’ faces wiped clean of invisible crumbs.

Not only did my mother have unlimited time to show me childhood games, she used to love dressing me in pretty clothes, many of which she made herself, taking hours over the hand-stitched smocking which went across the bodice as was the fashion then.

She had a professional photograph taken of me in one of them when I was three, wearing a gingham dress edged in white with one plump leg crossed over the other, smiling confidently into the camera. I looked the loved child I knew I was.

My mother entered me for a ‘Miss Pears’ competition and to her joy I was one of the runners-up. A small, framed photograph took pride of place on the mantelshelf.

But those happy days, when we were a family of two, were numbered. For years I dreamed of them returning, but over ten years later, when they finally did, they brought no happiness.

My father stayed in the army for several years after the war and only visited us sporadically, stirring the house into an uproar for the short time he was there. To me he seemed more like an important visitor than a parent. Days before his arrival there would be a flurry of housework, cushions would be shaken, furniture polished and floors mopped. A warm smell of baking would fill the house as his favourite biscuits and cakes were made, then, on the long-awaited day, my mother would dress me in my best outfit while her prettiest was donned. Constantly gazing impatiently out of the window, we would wait for the gate to open and a loud greeting to be called, upon which my mother would rush to the door and into his outstretched arms.

My impression was of a big handsome man who made my mother laugh with happiness while a pink glow suffused her face. Presents such as silk stockings for her and chocolate for me always accompanied his arrival. My mother would unwrap hers patiently, meticulously folding the paper for future use, whilst I ripped mine open with squeals of
delight. He, the benevolent visitor, would sit in the most comfortable chair and smile at our pleasure.

For my fourth birthday a bulky parcel had been torn open to reveal a large, red, stuffed felt elephant. Picking her up I thought she was more beautiful than any doll. I christened her Jumbo and for several months refused to be parted from her. Holding Jumbo by the trunk I trailed her around the house, insisting she shared my bed and taking her with me on visits.

A few months after that birthday my father announced that the idea of civilian life appealed to him. He wanted, he said, to spend more time with his wife and daughter. When my mother heard those words her face lit up and for the next few weeks I could sense her exhilaration as she waited for him to return, this time to stay.

I knew the day he was expected from the smells of baking and frantic housework, but it was another three days before he finally arrived. This time there were no presents after the shouted greeting and within hours the carefree atmosphere in our home changed for ever. The build-up of tension had begun.

After I was put to bed clutching my much-loved elephant, the first row I’d heard between my parents penetrated my sleep. I felt unsettled. Up to then I’d hardly heard a voice raised in anger. I hugged Jumbo a little tighter, hoping they would stop, and eventually fell uneasily back to sleep.

A long time later my mother told me it was because of my father’s drinking and gambling. I knew nothing of the causes; I just knew the result made me uncomfortable. Upon leaving the army with his severance pay he had not returned home until every penny of it had been lost on a poker table and my mother’s hopes of buying a house that she could turn
into a home for us were dashed. It was clear to me, as she talked in one of the rare intimate moments we had, that it was only the first of many disappointments to come.

My mother realized that with a growing child and no lump sum to fall back on, if she was ever going to achieve her ambition of owning her home, she would have to work. But it wasn’t going to be easy. Not only was there no equal pay for women in the decade after the war, there was very little work. Victorious servicemen who had remained in the army to help rebuild a devastated Germany had returned to face massive unemployment, substandard accommodation and rationing. With a grim determination that was an integral part of her character, my mother was never going to admit defeat and eventually her persistence was rewarded. She found employment at a garage several miles away as a night-shift cashier, where a small, dark, rent-free family flat made up part of her wages.

My father also found obtaining work difficult. Although he was a trained mechanic the only position he could find was in a factory, also on night shifts. With no alternative on offer he took it.

Our lives then settled into a different pattern, with him returning home each morning grumbling about tiredness and going straight to bed, whilst my mother, who had a home to run and a small child to look after, snatched sleep whenever she could.

Although my grandmother sometimes arranged to collect me for an outing, she seldom visited us and the days of spending time with my mother alone also came to an end. I would wake up in the little flat, clutch Jumbo for support and go in search of her. Finding the flat empty I would wander down to the garage in my nightclothes, still half
asleep, seeking her company. In those early days she never got angry with me, just picked my still sleepy body up, laughed, took me upstairs and tucked me back into bed.

A few months before my fifth birthday we moved again, this time to a small terraced house with a garden. My father had just received a promotion that meant permanent work with more pay and better hours. Night work was tiring for my mother, and now for the first time since her husband’s return she felt she could become a full-time housewife.

The night before my birthday I lay awake, wondering what present I would be given. All through the previous week I’d nagged my mother to tell me. Immune to my pleas she laughed and told me I would have to curb my curiosity and wait until the day to find out.

Waking early I rushed downstairs, remembering the arrival of Jumbo a year before, and scanned the sitting room. I couldn’t see anything. Seeing the look of disappointment on my face, my mother told me we were going to visit someone, and I would be given my present there.

As soon as I had excitedly gulped my breakfast down I was buttoned into my coat and I skipped along, holding my mother’s hand as we made our way to the bus stop. A red double-decker bus took us several miles to the next village. Alighting, we walked a short distance to a house I’d never seen before. I was puzzled. I had no idea what my present could possibly be. Presents, I knew, were bought in shops.

On my mother’s knock I heard the shrill barking of several dogs. My excitement mounted. Jumbo, though still much loved, was beginning to lose her attraction for me. What I now wanted more than anything was a puppy of my own. Was this, I wondered, the day my wish was to be granted?

A small, plump, grey-haired woman opened the door. Scampering around her feet were several black-and-tan wirehaired terriers, wagging their tails as they jumped up to welcome us. Trying to quieten their boisterous greeting, she ushered us quickly into a large kitchen. My excitement grew when I saw in front of the stove a basket filled with several sleeping puppies. Just outside it a fluffy little creature, with the black-and-tan markings of the adult dogs and bright mischievous eyes, stumbled around on legs still shaky, sniffing the air with her black button of a nose.

Before my mother had time to ask the lady to show me the others, I’d rushed to the adventurous one and knelt down. I knew instantly she wanted me as her owner. Picking her up, breathing in that warm puppy smell, feeling small quick licks from her rough pink tongue on my face as she wriggled in my arms, the bond was formed; she became the greatest friend of my childhood.

‘Is that the one you like the most?’ my mother asked.

My radiant face was all the answer she needed.

‘Then she’s yours. She’s your birthday present.’

I gasped with pure pleasure as I realized my greatest wish had just been granted. I kissed the little dog on top of her fluffy black and tan head, and with that display of five-year-old maternal love I showed her she was mine.

‘What are you going to call her?’ my mother asked.

The memory of another small, determined figure came into my head, a figure I’d seen when I’d spent a magical day at the beach earlier that year. My grandmother had taken me by train to the seaside town of Ramsgate on the Kent coast. Clutching a large ice-cream cone I’d seen a circle of laughing children sitting transfixed in the warm sun, their
eyes fixed on something out of my vision. Tugging impatiently at my grandmother’s hand to pull her forward, looking in the same direction as the other children, the two figures of Punch and Judy came into view. My forgotten ice cream melted and trickled down my hand as I stood rooted to the spot, enthralled by their antics. I booed when Punch attacked Judy and cheered with the other children when Judy lambasted him back. Even when the puppeteer came round with his collection box the mystery of the two miniature figures remained unexplained and my ever-patient grandmother was subjected to a stream of questions about the fighting dolls.

‘I’m going to call her Judy,’ I replied.

That birthday was to remain the happiest memory of my childhood.

My mother had enrolled me at a small private school. Each morning she would take me and every afternoon she would be waiting at the school gates with a warm smile. I felt very grown up wearing my uniform, with my pencils, eraser and first learning books carefully placed in a canvas satchel that hung over my shoulder. Even though I liked those early days of learning, I spent most of each day with bated breath, visualizing Judy in my mind, longing for the final bell. I would hurriedly swallow the milk and sandwiches, which would be given to me after I’d changed out of my navy-blue gym tunic. Only when I’d finished both would I be allowed outside to play ball with Judy for an hour. When my mother thought enough energy had been burnt up for us both to settle down quietly she would open the kitchen door and call us in. A reading book, where new words were learnt every day, or a counting one where I was learning to tell the time, would be removed from my satchel.