Don't You Remember (18 page)

“Have you been here before?” I asked loudly above the noise.

“Oh yeah, many times. That’s why I know we’ve got good tickets. Come on, follow me. You should be wearing different footwear with these stairs,” he joked.

“No kidding. You didn’t give me the heads up did you?”

We found our seats, four from the front row. Wow! I was seeing Johnny in concert. I remembered I hadn’t eaten and had forgotten to pick up a sandwich on the way; good thing too, because I would probably be sick. My tummy fluttered as though I was meeting Johnny for the first time on my own, but this was different, there were thousands of people here, with us.

“Look,” Daniel pointed, “There’s Eliza. You know Eliza Blanking? I told you she was going out with Johnny. The rumors must be true. I even read they were engaged, but that was in only one magazine I read, and it came from ‘a source of the friend’ if you know what I mean,” he said, making the bunny ears sign as he spoke.

I pushed my head in front of Daniels to try and get a good look at Eliza. She was beautiful all right, with her long golden hair. Sadly this confirmed, once again, he had moved on.

Johnny and the band came onto the stage with fireworks going off everywhere. It was awesome – the band threw themselves into the music, even getting the audience to join in. I sang my heart out, knowing all the words to the songs well. Johnny was brilliant in every way. And I still loved him; damn it, I wish I didn’t. I loved him more now. It seemed coming to the concert had opened up a wound I had been trying to heal for years. Perhaps I finally understood why he hadn’t called me back, he was with someone; his apparent rumored fiancé, Eliza, the beautiful supermodel. I just couldn’t compete with that.

I got home late, still charged by the music, and made myself a cup of hot chocolate hoping the milky concoction would help me sleep. My mind was busy with images of Johnny and Eliza. I felt sick at the idea that they were so in love. I remembered what that felt like, I was still in that place. I had to do something. I had to try and move on too, otherwise I would end up alone. But how do you move on when you hold a torch for someone else? How?

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Back stage at Madison Square Garden, Johnny and The Fuel Injectors sat around high on the vibes from the concert. To help the come down, cool and refreshing. He immediately opened another and sat down. Eliza strutted through the door with her black fitted cotton stretch trousers and glittered tank. She looked good, her hair about the same length as Jen’s when Johnny last saw her. There he goes again, letting thoughts of Jen enter his head. It happened when he least expected it and he couldn’t control it. He was making a real effort to try and make something with Eliza. After all the girls he had dated, he wanted to try to have a relationship. He wanted someone who shared his interest, someone who liked music, someone who also liked a bit of sport, like Jen. Perhaps he had to face he would always love her, even if she was no longer around.

Eliza perched on Johnny’s knees, with her long legs on an incline touching the floor. “That was awesome, Johnny. What a crowd! They loved you.”

“It was pretty awesome. I had a good time tonight,” he said, kissing her lips. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” He pushed Eliza up and took her hand telling the rest of the band and management that he was going home. The crowd should have eased by now and therefore it would be easy to get a straight run home.

He walked to the back stage exit door and got into the back of a big black Range Rover with Eliza. As usual security would make sure he got home safely.

Eliza cuddled up to Johnny in the back. She felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Johnny was a good guy and they were together. It was hard to find someone with celebrity status that was so down to earth. She loved that about him.

As the Range Dover stopped at some red traffic lights Johnny took the opportunity to look at the city street and lat the shop window displays. He stopped when he saw a long black fitted dress just like the one he had bought Jen for his graduation dance. He moved forward in the vehicle to get a better look. Yes, it looks exactly the same, he told himself. There she was again, popping up in his every thought. He made up his mind that tonight he would tell Eliza about Jen, about losing the love of his life in a fire. If he was going to make a go of this relationship he would have to be upfront with his feelings about a woman who no longer existed.

Security made sure Johnny and Eliza got into the building safely and then took the car back to the concert hall ready to take the others home – whenever that would be.

Johnny undressed and had a shower to clean the sweat off his body. Naked he walked over to his King size bed where Eliza waited for him, also naked. He got into bed and Eliza took her long lean arm and wrapped it around him. He massaged her arm and said, “I want to talk to you about something.”

“Oh yeah,” she said, using her sexy voice and moving her naked body closer. He sounded serious, perhaps he would propose. She could only hope.

“There was someone else.”

Eliza moved her body away and frowned. “When?” She looked bewildered by this information. “Who?”

“No, not while we’ve been together. I haven’t cheated on you,” he said collecting her hand and kissing it.

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I was deeply in love with another woman and I’m finding it hard to get over her. Some days are worse than others. I thought she was the one. She was everything to me.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I want to make a proper go of our relationship. I like you a lot, I care about you. I want to move on from the past.”

“So tell me what happened to this girl?”

“She died in a fire eight years ago. I still think about her, about how we left our relationship. She was going to come to New York to see me and I told her not to. I was working the night circuit trying to make a go of my career when this happened. Then the next thing I know she had died in a fire.”

Eliza listened not judging, relieved in a way that Johnny’s love was a ghost. If all she had was a ghost to compete with, then she believed she had a very good chance of winning Johnny over.

“Have you spoken to a professional?” Eliza asked

“No. It’s not like there’s a lot a professional can do. I know I’m grieving, I’ve been grieving for a long time. I tried a lot of things to try and move on. I don’t want to forget her, I want to remember her. She was a beautiful girl in every way. I just want to find someone I can share my life with but not forget the past.”

“You can move on. Having a first love is natural and holding that person in high stead is completely normal, but you have to realize she’s not here, there’s no going back to her and you have no choice but to move on,” Eliza confided. “You just have to be open to it. She took him in her arms. “In time things will change.”

Johnny lay there with Eliza, thankful he had opened up to her but thinking he had told himself a long time ago in time it would get easier; but it hadn’t. Maybe now he had opened up to someone else things would change and he could have a loving relationship with someone else.

*****

The newspaper was buzzing again today. My report ran in the paper and I was given a new assignment. This time I was reporting on an investigation the police had been working on for the last three months. A boy had been found washed up on the twenty-acre lake in Central Park. I would have to spend some time at the police station getting the facts right, so I left the office and decided to walk part of the way.

I took a right out of the building and looked into the shop front windows as I went about my business. If I found something I liked in the window I might be persuaded to make a little detour and have a spot of retail therapy.

I walked like a lady on a mission, my pace fast like a woman late for an appointment. I stopped on the street pavement and opened my bag to find my sunglasses to prevent the glare from the sun going into my eyes. Still stationary, I put my sunglasses on and looked in a window that displayed a dress like the one I wore to Johnny’s graduation prom. I loved that dress, but lost it in the fire, one of the only clothing items I genuinely miss. Without thinking my feet walked into the store and I went searching for the dress. When I found it I took it from the rail and held it up in front of myself to get a better look. I felt the material; soft, a little stretchy and fitted. I walked to changing room and tried it on. I immediately got a flash back, a happy one, of the night I wore a dress just like this. My fingers automatically found their way to my diamond pendant still hanging from the chain around my neck. Yes, Johnny had given this to me on the same night. I breathed in deeply and exhaled.

I changed back into my clothes and paid for the dress. I would keep it for a special occasion; a party or something. I left the store and continued to walk to the police station.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Later that evening Daniel and I were planning to meet up at Shandy Bar One. Daniel would be bringing a guy he knew through work and his boyfriend –  an obvious set up – but I didn’t mind. I told myself I had to start dating and that I must move on. Besides I was somewhat intrigued, especially after Daniel claimed that the friend he was bringing was perfect for me.

Every time I thought about Johnny I told myself I had to start thinking about how he let me down, never even bothered to let me know it was over. How could he think that was a good way to break up? I seemed to make too many excuses for him as if my brain didn’t want to accept what he was really like and what he had changed into. I feel so foolish sometimes thinking about us. I had honestly believed with all my heart that he loved me, and that he thought of me as the only one. Maybe he did love me in his own way, but he also fell out of love with me too. I needed to be a little more ruthless with my feelings towards him. If he could do it, so could I.

I finished my work report and looked at my watch – it was 7pm. I collected my jacket from the back of my chair with one hand and simultaneously turned my computer off with the other. The office was still busy with staff still at their desks finishing their written pieces for tomorrow’s paper.

“Ciao,” I shouted out as I left.

“Have a nice evening, Jen.”

“And you,” I replied, not looking back.

“See you Monday. Enjoy your weekend.”

“Oh, I will,” I said speaking to my small audience of well wishes.

I got off the subway and walked the short distance to my apartment. When I got inside I turned on the lights, put some music on and took a bath. I soaked for a short while, picking up my book and reading a chapter. The time on my watch now said 8.15pm, which meant I only had 45 minutes to get ready. I shaved my legs and washed my body quickly.

With a big white fluffy towel wrapped around my body, I opened up my wardrobe and scanned the contents. Smart-casual is the look I was going for. I wore jeans to work and wanted to wear something different in the evening, as if to make a point of separating day clothes from evening wear. I saw my leather trousers hanging up in the corner and pulled them out realizing I had never even bothered to wear them. I sifted through my tops and decided on a spaghetti strap black tank which I’d pair with a black fitted jacket. I dressed, put some make up on and loosely tied my hair into a ponytail leaving some soft whispy bits out. There was no time to change or procrastinate about my outfit, I put on my jacket and took one last look at myself in the mirror. At first glance I looked edgy, confident, sexy even, in a way that leather allows.

Just as well I wore this outfit, as I was really nervous about meeting my unofficial date and the clothes had instantly boosted my confidence. I walked down the street in my high heel boots, crossing the road and then waiting for the lights to change. I looked at my watch and noticed I was slightly late, fashionably late, I guess.

As I entered the bar I searched the room and found Daniel at the bar talking to two guys. I could tell which of them Daniel’s new boyfriend was, but the other guy had his back to me. As I approached. Daniel stood up to meet me and leaned forward to hug me, whispering in my ear, “You look amazing. Stunning.” He kissed me on the cheek.