Double Agent (19 page)

TWENTY

H
e was going back to work.

Sabine tried to listen to the sermon, surrounded by a crowd of people all dressed in their Sunday clothes. Doug sat beside her, his focus on the open pages of his Bible. He glanced over at her, so she shot him a small smile and then looked back at the pastor. She would have trouble recounting what the man was talking about. Her Bible was flipped to the middle of Deuteronomy, but she couldn’t focus.

She had to face the fact that Doug was going back to work. Soon he’d be flying off to his base in Texas, back to missions and a life that she wasn’t meant to be a part of. It was time for Sabine to leave. She’d known it for three days now, since Colonel Hiller paid Doug a visit and she heard them talking.

Time to go. So why was she still here?

She had tried to guard her heart. It wasn’t working. If she left now, it would hurt worse than ever, but eventually she would heal.

He leaned in and whispered in her ear. “Are you okay?”

She looked at him. Okay? Of course she wasn’t okay. Doug wanted forever with her; he’d told her as much. Told her that he would wait until she sorted out...whatever it was that he thought was wrong with her.

Leaving was going to break both their hearts. She should just get it over with, like ripping off a Band-Aid, because being here was slow and painful torture. She saw it every time she looked in his eyes. He wanted to comfort her, to tell her every dream he was hiding in his heart.

Like the ones she hid in hers.

Sabine grabbed her purse and coat and stumbled to the aisle, past rows of congregants. People stared at her, but she ignored them and kept going. She pushed open the heavy double doors. The sky was low and gray and steady rain streamed down.

She trudged across the parking lot in the direction of Doug’s truck and heard the sound of his shoes following behind her.

She turned...and squeezed her eyes shut. This was hard enough without seeing the pain of heartbreak in his eyes, too. “I have to go.”

“I’ll drive you. Wherever it is, we can go together.”

Sabine shook her head. She felt his touch on her elbow. Her eyes flew open, and she stepped back. “I mean I have to
go.
”

His eyes hardened. “Don’t do this, Sabine. Don’t walk out on us without even giving it a chance.”

Sabine blinked against the sting of tears. She shouldn’t have stayed for so long just because she couldn’t find it in her to leave him. This was smart; it was the right thing. And it was going to be worse because she’d drawn it out.

“You were going to do this all along, weren’t you? Ever since you showed up at the estate, this was your plan.”

She winced as the roar built in his voice. “I—”

“Taking care of me but not really ‘being’ here. What was the point, if you weren’t going to stick around?”

“Doug—”

“Don’t lie to me. Tell me the truth. You were always going to walk away, weren’t you?”

“Yes.”

His face was damp. Rain soaked both of them, but she didn’t know if he might be crying, too. “Why?”

“It’s never going to work between us. I’m not the woman for you—”

“So you get to decide for both of us that this isn’t going to work? I don’t get a say at all?”

She shook her head. “It’s not like that. This is for the best. You need to get on with your life without me...”

“Without you, what? Tell me why you’re not the one when all I can think about is how right it feels having you here with me. Tell me. What?”

“You deserve better than me.”

He blinked. “How can you say—”

“Because it’s true.” Sabine’s world was crumbling, but she had to do this. “You need to be with someone who doesn’t have a cloud of doubt over her head. I might have been officially cleared, but plenty of people still think I killed my team and betrayed this country. What would the army think if we got married? They’ll be forever suspicious that you’re feeding me information, or that I might turn you against this country.”

She sniffed. “No one in charge is ever going to trust me. And if us being together means they won’t trust you, either, then what’s the point? I can’t even ping on their radar or they’ll haul me in for another round of interrogation—”

His eyes shut. “You should have told me.”

“That you’ll lose your job because you’re too close to me? That everything you’ve worked for will be over because of me? Yeah, what a fun conversation that was going to be. So now you know. I won’t be the one who ruins your life, okay? That’s not what love is.”

“God brought us together for a reason, Sabine.”

“I know that. I believe that. I do. And it’s been wonderful. I’ve never known anyone like you, Doug. But this is it. It has to be. God has someone for you, someone honorable who doesn’t come with a classified past. Someone with a good life who comes from a good family. Someone who isn’t me.”

She turned away and ran. Her feet pounded the cement, splashed puddles and soaked the legs of her dress pants.
Never look back.
She ran until she couldn’t run anymore, and then collapsed on a bus bench and sobbed.

* * *

Two days later Sabine parked the rental car she’d picked up at the airport in the driveway of a ranch-style house at the north end of Boise, where the oldest houses were. To get there she’d driven by the alley where the police had found her and Ben huddled behind the Dumpster all those years ago.

She looked out the windshield at a house shrouded in night and memories.

She steeled herself against the rush of the past and rummaged through her purse. The key had been among Ben’s things. Why had she even chosen to come here? The place was probably full of spiders and woodland creatures trying to escape the wind and rain.

This was the only home she’d had until that horrible day she still couldn’t seem to erase from her mind. A psychiatrist would probably have a field day with her inability to let go of the past. Or maybe it was normal that she’d never, ever forgotten, no matter how hard she tried. Who knew? She could only hope that being here now would somehow help her to make sense of the mess that was her life.

Inside the house she glanced around, her eyes wide. It looked the same. It hadn’t degraded or deteriorated, nor was anything covered in dust. Someone had regularly cleaned the place...for years. Ben had done this. And he hadn’t told her.

Sabine made her way to the kitchen. There she found a note on the table.

I don’t know when, or even if, you’ll read this, but here you are. I’m glad you came back. I’m proud of you for taking this step to get some closure on the past. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. I love you, big sister.

Ben

Her sobs echoed around the place where she had once had a family, while she grieved for the family she could have had with Doug—the family of her heart.

* * *

Doug sat at the kitchen table in his father’s house with the newspaper and stared at the black ink, not seeing any of the words.

“This is ridiculous, son.”

Doug sighed. He knew the picture he made wasn’t pretty. The week’s growth of beard itched, and his eyes were probably bloodshot. His sweatpants and T-shirt were sort of clean.

“I didn’t get that girl out of CIA custody for you to let her walk away.”

“She wanted to go.” Doug rubbed a hand down his face. “It was her idea.”

His dad pulled out a chair and sat. “You think I don’t know that? You think I didn’t know she came here with every intention of hiding exactly what she felt for you and how much she loves you?”

“You’re wrong.”

“That she loves you? I don’t think so. Your mother did the same thing, son. Told me there was no way that a diner waitress who lived in a trailer and hadn’t even graduated high school was going to marry an officer. Said I should forget about her and get on with my life.”

Doug rolled his eyes. “Mom was not a diner waitress.”

“She was when I met her.”

“You said you guys met in a restaurant.”

Andrew smiled and shrugged. “Thereabouts.”

Doug looked up. “Why are you telling me this now, anyway? What’s the point of this pep talk?”

His dad leaned closer. “Because you apparently need me to explain something to you that any fool can see. That girl loves you so much it scares her, because she’s watching her life fall apart and looking to you for safety, only to find you throwing away yours.”

“I’m not going back to the army.”

“Since when?”

“Since her. There’s something out there for us to do together, something better.”

“You never explained that to her. You just let her walk away because it wasn’t going the way you thought it was supposed to go.” His dad paused. “I made that mistake, too, and I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Until I realized I’d give it all up to have your mother, even the army.”

“But you didn’t. I did.”

“Very nearly did, son. Had the papers and everything. Your mother hit the roof.” His dad chuckled. “Finally she said she’d marry me just so I didn’t throw my life away.”

Doug frowned at him. “Mom married you so you wouldn’t leave the army?”

“That’s exactly right.” He patted Doug’s shoulder.

“Maybe leaving to go be with your woman is right for you, son. If that’s what you did, I’m certain when you tell her, she’ll make sure you never regret it for one minute of the rest of your life. That’s the kind of woman she is.”

“I don’t want her indebted to me.”

“Tell her that.” His dad drew a small velvet box from his pocket and laid it on the table between them. “And give her this. It’s what your mother would have wanted.”

TWENTY-ONE

One month
later
Barcelona, Spain

“B
ye. Thank you. See you all tomorrow!”

Sabine received hugs and kisses from each of the children and ushered them out of her classroom to where their mothers waited. They were all adorable and so eager to learn English that it made her job easier than anything she’d ever done.

Her Spanish had been a little rusty at first. Within days of being saturated with the Spanish culture and such a beautiful language, she had rediscovered the nuances of it.

Blanca entered the back of the classroom. In a matter of weeks the older woman had become so dear to Sabine—something that had surprised her. After all, she’d never had a healthy relationship with an older woman in her whole life.

Together they cleaned up the school supplies, and Sabine swept the floor. When Blanca didn’t set down the dust pan for her, Sabine looked up. “What is it?”

“You know you can tell me anything, child.” Blanca’s eyes were bright, even surrounded by fine lines. The strands of silver in her dark hair made her more beautiful, and Sabine could tell that as a young woman Blanca had been breathtakingly gorgeous.

“I know. It’s just—”

The old woman nodded slowly. “Heartbreak is not an easy thing to heal.”

“How did you know?”

“The Good Lord, He tells me things.”

Sabine hadn’t told any of the staff at the school. Or anyone she had met at the small church up the hill that had been started by missionaries. It was an outreach to the local children, kids from poor families who came to school in ill-fitting clothes and worn sandals. None of them knew where she came from, or why she’d just shown up one day, willing to help out. They’d given up asking.

Apparently they didn’t need to ask.

Sabine smiled. “Did He tell you anything else?”

The old woman’s mouth curled up, and her eyes sparkled. “I’ll finish tidying up. Why don’t you take a walk along the cliff top? I’ve seen you eyeing that book reader thing sticking out of your purse.”

The e-reader had been a gift Sabine had bought to console herself. Aside from the time she spent teaching, she was practically attached to the thing. She gave Blanca a kiss on the cheek and surprise lit up the old woman’s face.

Sabine walked the path along the cliff that overlooked the ocean. The sun permeated everything until it was impossible to believe it was anything but a beautiful summer anywhere in the world. It just seemed as if, since it was so nice here, it should be this nice everywhere.

Ocean breezes fluttered the skirt of her knee-length flowery summer dress as she walked. When she reached the bench, she sat carefully so the splintered wood didn’t catch on the fabric and pulled out her e-reader.

A seagull swooped a wide arc that drew her eyes from the screen. She watched it twist and rise, much like the journey Sabine’s heart had taken the past few months. Rising from the depths of grief, she had found peace and hope in Jesus. His love filled her to overflowing, washing over her like the waves on the shore.

Everything seemed so right. She had what she wanted—freedom, peace and the chance to live the life she had always dreamed of.

So why did it feel like there was still something...missing?

Footsteps ascended the path up the cliff, the gait heavy. Sabine turned. The old instinct to flee pulled her to her feet. She skirted the bench and backed away.

He stopped and frowned. “Come here, Sabine.” It was the first word of English she’d heard outside of her classroom in a month, and it sounded beautiful. His khaki slacks and light blue button-down shirt made him look like a businessman on vacation. A very good-looking businessman who seemed interested in a holiday romance.

Tears blurred her vision. “Why did you come?”

“You mean why have I been searching the whole world for the last month? Or why did I leave the army? Because the answer to both is the same. You.”

“I— You can’t just—”

He closed the gap between them. “I did.”

She shook her head and stepped back. “I won’t go through this again. There’s no point in rehashing all of this just because you came here. You shouldn’t have... You need to go.”

She brushed past him and fled down the hillside. Not a hundred yards from the bench, he caught up to her.

“Stop running away from me.”

She turned back. “Nothing has changed. I don’t know why you came, or why you want to bring it all back up again. Are you trying to hurt me on purpose? Is that it? You want to get back at me.”

“I would never do that to you, Sabine.”

She ignored the way his eyes softened, the light touch of his fingers on her elbow. “Why did you come here? What’s different now? There’s still no way we can be together, so why are you prolonging it? It hurts too much, Doug. I’m trying to heal. I’m trying to get on with my life.”

Doug touched her cheek. There were tears in his eyes now. “I won’t let you go again. You’re only seeing the obstacles and letting what you assume I want cloud your judgment. Don’t you think that I want to be with you? I mean, seriously...I could get a job as a plumber, and I’d not only be happy, but I’d get down on my knees every single day and thank God that you believed in us enough to let me love you. That you believed in what we could be together enough to love me.”

“Those are nice words, Doug. But I can’t imagine that you’d be happy without dangerous missions to go on, plus the greater good and the impact your job has on the world.” She bit her lip and shook her head. “That’s a huge part of who you are, and now it’s just gone? How can you be okay with that?”

“How are
you
okay with it? Rogue or not, you had missions, and you believed the work you did was important. Was it just a job, or was it something more?”

“It was everything.”

His eyes were soft. “And now that you’ve lost it all?”

She looked out over the valley. “I don’t need a mission. But since I’ve been here, I’ve loved teaching these kids. To know I’m making a difference with just one of them... It feels good.”

“Because you want to do something that matters.”

She nodded.

“Do you want some help?” He shrugged, and a smile curled the corners of his mouth. “I like kids. What if we did something together, like an outreach or a drop-in center? Fostering. Mentoring. There’s a whole world of options, Sabine. We could do anything.”

Sabine took a deep breath.

He frowned. “Do you believe in us enough for that?”

“I’m scared. I love you so much, but what if it isn’t enough?”

He reached up and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Just promise me one thing. Promise me you’ll always fight for us. That you’ll take all that passion and strength you have in you and put it into building something with me.”

He really saw her that way? Sabine’s heart swelled until she thought it would burst from her chest. “I promise. I’m sorry I ran away.”

He touched his forehead to hers. “I’m sorry I let you go.”

Sabine opened her mouth. He covered it with his fingers. “The time for talking is over.”

Doug drew her into his arms. His mouth covered hers, and he kissed her in a way she’d never been kissed before. It was full of passion and the promise of a rich life. She smiled against his lips as the sun wrapped them in a cocoon of warmth.

From a distance, someone clapped. It turned into more people clapping, and then someone cheered. When Doug released her, she glanced around, dazed to find the entire staff on the hillside watching them.

She looked back at Doug.

“I love you. Do you love me?” There was so much worry written on his face. Was he wondering if he had made a mistake?

“How can you even ask me that?”

He stayed still. “Is that a yes?”

She nodded. “Of course I love you.”

“Then you’ll marry me?”

“Where will we live? What will you do?”

He rolled his eyes, but there was a smile there. “Can you just answer the question, please?”

“Yes, of course I will, but—”

He cut her off again, his fingers on her lips. “We’ll figure it out, honey. But honestly, so long as we’re together, I don’t really care.”

“Oh.” She smiled. “That’s a good answer.”

He pulled her to him again and wrapped his arms around her. Sabine buried her face in his neck. She laughed and felt his chest shake with his own laughter.

At long last she had found a place to belong. She’d thought it would be a home or a family to love her, and she would have those things now, too. But at the center of it all, she had a Father in Heaven who loved her and had blessed her life beyond what she thought possible.

Because He’d given her Doug.

* * * * *