Douglas Adams's Starship Titanic (14 page)

T
he celebration party was a gloomy affair.

Everyone tried to make the best of it, and kept toasting the Earth folk for their invaluable help in beating off the insurance loss adjusters; several speeches were made extolling the return of the great Starship to its rightful home, but nobody could forget that within a couple of days, the ship would have to be towed off to some distant part of the Galaxy, where it could explode without doing any more harm than destroy itself.

The Yassaccans could see no prospect of recovering their economy. Meanwhile Lucy, Dan and Nettie could see no prospect of ever returning to their own planet. They had each been given translation blisters (like small plasters worn behind the ear) so that they could still communicate now they were away from the influence of the ship's automatic systems, but that had done little to reconcile them to the prospect of exile on an alien world.

'But surely,' Rodden, the Navigational Officer, had cornered Nettie, 'you must have
some
idea of where this "Earth" place is? I mean you must at least know whether it is in the Notional Northern Hemisphere of the Galaxy or the Notional South?'

'Well… no…'

'Is it on an outer or an inner arm of the spiral?'

'I haven't a clue,' said Nettie.

Rodden shook his head gloomily. He hated talking to dumb blondes. 'Well if you really have no idea where you've come from, I really can't get you back there. The only thing that could is the Starship and that can't remember because its brain's missing! Seems to be a common complaint…' he added, unnecessarily, and wandered off, rather to Nettie's relief.

Nettie looked around at the gloomy party. She felt sad, and yet, there was so much beauty in this gentle world she found herself in. Yassacca! It was a nice name for a start. And she was sure there were worse places… Slough… New Maiden…Basingstoke… Nettie found herself split in two. One part of her was saying: Come on! Make the best of it! This is home from now on! And the other half was telling her not to give up… that somehow, deep down inside her, she was convinced that she would be able to get them all back to Earth. Nettie felt a bit foolish for feeling so convinced of her own ability, but there it was — she just couldn't shake the feeling off, though she had no idea why she had it.

In the meantime, she tried to enjoy the sad celebration.

The very smell of the snork roasting over open fires seemed sad, as it wafted under the gloomy Yassaccan pines and then mingled with the softer, sadder scents of the night jasmine and the weeping oleanders that crowded Corporal Golholiwol's garden. The Yassaccans took it in turn to host important national events, and it just happened to be Corporal Golholiwol's turn. He had provided seven snorks for roasting, plates of fish and fruit and fresh vegetables from his garden. Unlike the Blerontinians, the Yassaccans took no interest in canapés and preferred good plain food washed down with plenty of Yassaccan ale and sweet potato wine.

The Journalist gloomily thought it all pretty poor fare, but he tried to hide his contempt for the lack of 'fish-paste', tiny chicken vol-au-vents and cocktail sausages on sticks.

But, no matter how much Nettie complimented him on his crackling, Corporal Golholiwol refused to emerge from
his
gloom. 'In the old days,' he explained to Nettie, 'we would have roasted
seventy
snorks! I would have been able to provide so much fish we could have filled the Ocean of Summer Plastering! And all the beer and wine… well! It would have flowed from those fountains you see over there in the centre of the garden… ah! These are thin times indeed for Yassacca.' And he gloomily stared into the empty ale mug he held in his hands.

Captain Bolfass was also gloomy. He kept trying not to stare at Nettie, who had discarded her GAP T-shirt, hand-knitted waistcoat, and mini-skirt in favour of a simple Yassaccan shift, slit up to the thigh and embroidered at one corner. She looked breathtaking, and the poor Captain's breath was so taken that he sighed and tried to imagine how he could ever have lived without her.

'Who are you mooning over now, Captain Bolfass?' asked his wife.

'Excuse me, my dear,' replied Bolfass, 'it is just that that young Earth woman has stolen my soul with her beauty.'

'Poor dear!' said Mrs Bolfass, taking his hand and stroking it. 'I'm sure you'll get better.'

'Ah!' sighed Captain Bolfass. 'I do hope so… I do hope so…'

'Perhaps you should see Dr. Ponkaliwack?'

'No…no… I'll be all right… ' sighed the Captain. (On Yassacca, being 'in love' was considered a form of illness.)

But the old Yassaccan songs that the band were now playing caused the Captain to sigh again and again and even brought a tear to his eye. They were ancient songs of yearning for better tools and materials, songs of lament for construction projects that were never finished, and songs of regret for the great craftsmen of yesteryear who would never plane nor chisel again.

Lucy found Dan hidden at the far end of the garden, sitting on a low wall under the oleanders, sunk in utter despondency. He held a piece of snork crackling in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. 'Go away!' he said.

'Oh, Dan!'Lucy sat beside him and tried to put her arm around him. 'Let's get married!'

'Married!' exclaimed Dan. 'Huh! After what I saw that alien doing to you?'

'Don't be…' well Lucy wasn't quite sure what she was telling Dan not to be: 'foolish?' 'jealous?' 'sulky?' He had a right to be all those things, and yet… she couldn't help feeling he was overdoing it. 'Dan! We love each other, don't we?'

'I don't know,' replied Dan. 'Do we?'

'Of course we do!' cried Lucy. 'We're going to set up the hotel and run it together and have children…'

'No we aren't,' said Dan. 'We can't get back to Earth and even if we could, the hotel's a pile of rubble!'

'But we've got the money from Top Ten Travel!'

'But that doesn't mean we love each other!'

'But we do! We've been together all this time!'

Dan stared gloomily at the piece of snork crackling in his hand. Finally he looked at Lucy and said: 'Here comes Nettie.'

Nettie had been looking for Lucy and Dan all over the garden. 'May I join the funeral?' she said.

Dan nodded and Nettie sat down on the other side of him. Lucy took her hand away from Dan's.

'So,' Nettie began. 'I suppose this is going to be home from now on.'

'You look as if you've made yourself pretty much at home already,' remarked Lucy, who was still wearing her Earth clothes.

'I thought I might as well start getting into the role,' laughed Nettie.

'That is
so
sensible,' said Dan, to Lucy's intense annoyance.

'Look I don't want to break you two up…' said Nettie, even more to Lucy's intense annoyance. 'but I've got something to tell you… Something I think you ought to know…'

Nettie didn't quite know where to begin. 'It's about the rectory… your hotel…' she said.

'It's sad to think we'll never be able to run it after all, Nettie,' Dan sighed into his wine.

'You were never going to be able to run it,' replied Nettie.

'What d'you mean?' Lucy was immediately on the defensive. What was Nettie implying? That they were incompetent or something?

'I don't know whether I should tell you this now… maybe it's pointless… But on the other hand maybe it'll make you feel better…'

'What?' demanded Lucy. She had stood up and folded her arms, in her best courtroom 'How do you dare propose
that
?' posture.

'Well…' said Nettie, 'Nigel was a shit — we all know that…'

'He was my best friend!' exclaimed Dan.

'Yes… sure…' replied Nettie. 'But he was a shit.'

'You certainly let him treat
you
like shit!' retorted Lucy.

'That's my problem,' replied Nettie. 'I'm crazy. But that doesn't mean I'm stupid. And although Nigel never discussed any of his business with me, I can tell you he didn't sell Top Ten Travel for anything like the amount he told you he had. That's why you could never get the documentation off him. He actually sold it for peanuts. You'd never have been able to pay off the rectory — let alone set up the hotel.'

There was a brief silence, that seemed to get up, stretch its legs and then wander off into the night.

'Huh!' snorted Lucy eventually. 'That doesn't surprise me one little bit!'

'Well! It sure surprises me!' exclaimed Dan. 'How d'you know this, Nettie?' He felt incredibly indignant probably indignant at Nigel, but for the moment, he was content to be indignant with the messenger.

'Oh…' said Nettie, 'he was so sloppy — he used to leave documents just lying around. He didn't give a shit. I guess he never bothered to talk to me enough to find out that I was bright enough to see what he was up to. I kept trying to tell you, but we never met except with Nigel in tow. It was awful; I could see you heading for disaster.'

'That bastard!' cried Lucy, striding around beneath the oleanders. 'If we ever get back to Earth I'm going to tear his balls off!'

'Well, that's one threat he doesn't have to worry about,' sighed Dan, his depression deepening by the second. Suddenly he felt Nettie's hand on his arm. He turned and looked directly into her eyes and felt his stomach give way. A wave of wonderful helplessness swept over him, as he felt her eyes falling into his. And yet she was saying something else. Dan couldn't make out what it was that Nettie was saying, he was so overcome with her proximity and the way her breasts showed under the translucent muslin of her Yassaccan shift. The next moment, before he regained his senses, she had rushed off in some excitement.

Dan turned to Lucy: 'What did she just say?' he managed to ask.

'She just said: "Wait a minute! I've got it! I've got the answer! I knew I would!' replied Lucy.

'Oh!' said Dan.

There was a silence. Then he added: 'I'm sorry about the hotel. I know how much it meant to you.'

Lucy looked at him in some surprise. 'I was more worried for you. I know you'd staked everything on it.' Dan frowned and took a little swig of his wine. 'That's why I went along with it,' continued Lucy. 'I never really liked the rectory that much. I just couldn't bear for
you
to be disappointed.'

Dan took another little swig of his wine. Then he did something that was so uncharacteristic that it made Lucy jump out of her skin: he threw his glass against one of the oleanders and it shattered into tiny pieces.

'Well,' he said. 'In that case, I guess we've both been fooling ourselves and each other for a long time. I was only so keen because I thought you were.'

Lucy was playing with one of the buttons that had come off her pinstripe power-suit during her earlier encounter with The Journalist. 'Maybe that says it all, Dan… Maybe that says it all…'

D
an found Nettie in a state of some agitation. She had just been proposed to by Captain Bolfass, Corporal Inchbewigglit, Corporal Rintineagelbun, Corporal Buke-Hammadorf, his half-cousin by marriage, Buke-Willinujit, Buke-Willinujit's father, Corporal Golholiwol, the Yassaccan Prime Minister and several other Yassaccans she did not actually know, on her way across the lawn. The Prime Minister had even given her a bottle of famous Yassaccan scent. 'Only wear it for us Yassaccans, my dear,' he had said and squeezed her bottom.

When Dan caught up with her Nettie was desperately looking for her handbag.

'God! You don't think anyone's stolen it, do you?'

'I believe they don't have much crime here on Yassacca,' said Dan.

'There's been all this organized crime since the economy went down the chute,' said Nettie.

'But organized crime isn't going to bother to steal your handbag, Nettie!' Dan was trying to be reassuring.

'I've got to find it!' exclaimed Nettie, her eyes blazing just a few inches away from Dan's, Dan's knees suddenly relaxed their grip on the standing up situation, and he had to sit down on the nearest tree stump.

'Great grief!That wonderful scent you're wearing!'

'The Prime Groper of Yassacca just gave it to me in more ways than one,' replied Nettie.

'Nettie! I…' Dan didn't really have a clue what he wanted to say. It was as if the scent had wrapped itself around him and wouldn't let go until he told her the truth.

'What?' Nettie was back searching a pile of clothes that various people had dumped over a bed that was standing on the veranda of Corporal Golholiwol's house.

'Nettie I… I think… I… I'm crazy about you!' Dan didn't know quite how it happened, but suddenly he had his arms around Nettie's waist and was kissing the back of her neck. Nettie span round.

'Stop that!' she cried. Dan backed off. 'You're getting married to Lucy! You're going to start a hotel! You're going to have kids and all that sort of thing!'

'Everything's changed!' said Dan. 'We can't go back to Earth. It's all different here!' And he tried to put his arms round her again. But Nettie backed away.

'Now hold on, Romeo!' said Nettie. 'I'm not an emotional doormat for your convenience! Besides! You're going back to Earth! We're
all
going back to Earth — I hope — just as soon as I find my handbag!'

'What have you got in your handbag? A Concorde ticket home? A pocket rocket?' Dan didn't doubt for a moment that Nettie had the solution if she said she had — he knew that if any one of them had the brains to get them back it would be Nettie. He worshipped her. He admired her. But why couldn't he tell her properly instead of behaving like a sex-crazed half-wit?

'Let's just find it, shall we?' said Nettie. So Dan stopped asking questions and put his mind to looking for the handbag.

'I'm sorry! Are you looking for this?' Corporal Golholiwol was holding up Nettie's handbag. Nettie grabbed it, opened it and started feverishly rummaging through it.

Dan looked at Corporal Golholiwol. 'Nettie's got something in it that will help us get back to the Earth.' He hoped Nettie wouldn't hear how like a sex-crazed halfwit he sounded.

'Would it be these?' Corporal Golholiwol held up a package, neatly wrapped in a broad leaf. Nettie snatched it from him, checked its contents and then looked up at the corporal.

'What the blazes do you mean by taking things out of my handbag?' Her eyes were like miniature SD guns. Corporal Golholiwol felt himself disintegrate and splatter all over the veranda. He looked genuinely taken aback.

'Oh dear!' he said. 'Have I done something contrary to your Earth customs? On Yassacca it is traditional for the host to go through his guests' handbags and do little repairs and mending jobs on the contents.

'Well… It's not an Earth custom… ' said Nettie, still furious. 'But… thanks for developing the film for me. That's exactly what I was looking for.'

'It was my pleasure,' said Corporal Golholiwol, gazing adoringly at Nettie. 'Most of the photos seem to have come out OK. I also reelectroplated your nail scissors, restored several missing teeth to your comb, and resilvered your little mirror.'

'Why! Thank you so much, Corporal!' Nettie had regained her composure and was searching through the photographs that Golholiwol had developed. Then suddenly she found what she was looking for. 'Here! Look, Dan! It's the rectory! They came out! Those long exposures! Look! THEY CAME OUT!'

Dan felt he was a bit out of his depth, but he just said, without enthusiasm: 'Oh, good! It'll be nice to have a souvenir.'

Nettie, however, had already spun round and run off towards a group of Yassaccans who were talking gloomily over the roasting snork.

'Rodden!' Nettie called out, and the Navigational Officer turned around. 'Rodden! I've got it! YOU CAN GET US BACK TO EARTH!' Nettie thrust two of the photographs into his hands. He took them unwillingly, not wishing to get involved in any fantasy that this attractive but dim female might have concocted.

'Well!' cried Nettie, hardly able to contain her excitement. 'Look at them! What do you see?'

Rodden reluctantly looked down at the photos in his hand, and studied them. 'It's a house… on Earth I assume…' he said slowly. 'A former rectory… by the look of it… with planning permission for commercial use…'

'That's amazing!' exclaimed Nettie. 'How d'you know all that?'

The Navigational Officer smiled smugly as he took off his translatorspecs and said: 'It's written on the estate agents' board.' He loved baffling beautiful but not too bright females.

'Oh! Right… Anyway it's the place Dan and Lucy were going to buy before your Starship smashed into it.'

'So?' Rodden was suddenly looking at them with increasing attention. 'How do you suppose these will help you?'

'I took them at night!' cried Nettie excitedly. 'Look at the sky! Especially that one, there! Look!'

A broad smile suddenly creased across Rodden's face.

'YOU CAN SEE THE STARS!' cried Nettie.

'My dear young woman,' said Rodden. 'You must forgive me for underestimating your…'

'Easy-over on the flattery!' replied Nettie. 'I don't mind what you thought! The main thing is can you get any co-ordinates on those star patterns that will show where the Earth is? Are there enough stars in the shot?'

Rodden was silent for some time. Nettie watched him anxiously, and suddenly Dan, who had joined them by this time, found Nettie's hand in his and she was squeezing it.

Rodden stared and stared at the photo. Finally he looked up. 'Theoretically,' he said. 'Yes. It should be a simple question of three-dimensional geometry. There is only one place in the galaxy in which the stars will appear in that exact configuration… But I'm not sure this photo will provide enough information…'

The Earth folks' hearts sank. The Navigational Officer was clearly trying to let them down gently. Nettie cursed herself; she had allowed her hopes to get too high. She was always doing that — especially with her men.

'But,' the Navigational Officer was continuing. 'I think I could enhance the image — do you have the negative?'

'It's here!' shouted Corporal Golholiwol,

'Then let's see what we can do,' said Rodden. And with that the party suddenly started to seem more cheerful for everybody concerned.