Down to the Bone (15 page)

I point to my left foot. “It hurts. Do you have a problem with
that
?” I don’t know why I’m shy around girls, especially ones I like. Asking a girl I don’t know to dance is hard. No. Actually, it’s painful. If she says “no” I won’t know what to do with myself.

At twelve, thirteen, and the beginning of fourteen—the age most boys start looking at girls—guys I liked didn’t pay attention to me. I was bony, had buck teeth, braces and bangs down to the tip of my nose to cover zits on my forehead. Luckily, right before I met Marlena, I gained weight and lost my pimples and braces. After my transformation, boys began to pay attention to me. Still, rejection isn’t fun.

Soli stands with her hands on her waist, looking down at me, pressing hard on my foot with hers. “
This
foot?”

“¡Pendeja!”
I pinch her butt and she leaps in the air.

She steps aside and tosses her head in the direction of a group of girls. “You should be all gung-ho about dancing with girls. You’re not a coward.” She doesn’t allow me to respond and dives back in. “Ask a girl to dance.”

She’d make a good dominatrix.

“Later
.
” Looking away from her, I place my feet on top of the little glass table with my hands clasped over my stomach.

I’m not attracted to girls who wear makeup and perfume. I wish they had mixed clubs where girls came in jeans and talked about fun things like music, art, international politics, lit and languages. But I forgot when I asked Soli to bring me to a gay bar that finding a down-to-earth club in Miami would be like searching for a dry spot in the middle of the ocean.

She snorts in reply, “I’ll ask someone to dance with you.”

I straighten my spine and stare her up and down, with attitude. “I just want to listen to music for a while. Do you mind?”

“You’ve got to forget Marlena. The only way you’ll erase her from your mind is by being with another girl, right away.” She hoists up her pants with both hands and fiddles with her nose ring. You’d think Soli had bull balls for lunch; she’s being so overpowering.

“I
have
forgotten her. She’s
her
story.” I wag my head from left to right. “Stop mentioning her, Turd-Ball. What’s
wrong
with you? And her name is Betr
ay
er.” All I need is for Soli to keep rubbing Marlena in my face. Why doesn’t she just leave me alone and let me be?

She pulls a chair next to me and sits. “The damned Betrayer, okay?” She waves Diego over. He’s talking with some guys.

“Listen. As soon as we arrived, memories of how Marlena and I used to dance when we were alone shook me hard.” I soften up. “She didn’t know how to move. Can you believe it? I taught her. Marlena is the only girl I’ve ever danced slow with, Soli. Dancing slow with her while we kissed, was the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life.”

She slaps her cheek and raises both eyebrows. “Well, if
that
isn’t the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re a hopeless case.”

“And you? You’re as sensitive as a potato chip.” My mouth feels dry. I take a sip of ice-cold virgin piña colada and it gives me the shivers. I look into her eyes. “Don’t be so mean.” I’m forced to forget instantly, like Soli and everyone else in the world does, when they break up. I wish I weren’t such a dork. Soli’s right. I’m so damn sensitive.

“Shyly, you’ve got to ask a girl on a date, tonight, before we leave. You
have
to start seeing other girls imm
e
diately.” She gulps her sombrero drink and crunches on a couple of ice cubes. “Take it from me. I know how it goes.”

I move my legs off the table, place my feet on the chair, and bring my arms around my knees. “Right. Take it from
you
: The queen of
perfect
relationships. You’ve left more guys than there are people in China.” I clasp my hands. “Look, bringing me here was a huge mistake. It’s making me realize I was just in love with Marlena and I can’t fall in love with another girl. I know she was it for me.”

I think being with girls is just going to be one painful hassle after another. Classic fairy tales we were forced to read as kids in school should have provided us with info about what to expect if you fall for a person of the same sex. Little Red Riding Lezzie would be a teen attacked by a homophobe—the Big Bad Wolf!—on her way to visit her ailing beloved girlfriend. The Three Little Pigs were living a gay, merry life until their house got blown down by a bully. Don’t stray from the straight path and only talk to straight strangers of the opposite sex is what they fed us.

No one prepared us for this.

“You’ve
to
tally lost it.” Soli starts rolling her eyes this way and that way.

She’s never had a love-of-her-life, so she doesn’t know what I’m going through. I wish she understood so she’d leave me alone.

Instantly, I realize what will make her lay off my case.

“You’re probably right. I’m telling Tazer the truth about Marlena and asking him to introduce me to his lesbian girlfriends.” I hope this makes Soli shut her trap. “Maybe my heart will beat out of control like it’s having an orgasm when I meet one of his friends.” I smile big.

“Way to go, Shyly! I can’t
wait
till Tazer gets here.” She’s all jumpy and happy like a kid at a party.

“Hold up. Don’t go blabbing about my personal life to Tazer till I’m ready to tell him. Okay?”

Her smile falls away. She yells to Diego again. “Git your sweet A over here, boy!” It’s his day off from DJ’ing and he wants to chill with his boys. He’s a good one for her to control. Diego’s got a soft spot for Soli, and that spot sure isn’t his ding-dong! I know they won’t last. She can dominate him, easily.

Diego strolls over with a lesbo vacation pamphlet in his hands, drops with a
plop
on the chair next to Soli’s, and leafs through it. Soli says he’s the silent type addicted to reading anything he can find.

Soli plunks on his lap. “Hey, check it out!” She grabs the pamphlet from his hands. “A lesbian cruise ship! For you and any girl in here, Shyly.” She jams it into my face.

I swat it away. “Shut up, al
ready
.”

Diego wraps both muscular arms around Soli’s waist and kisses her earlobe. “Let ’er be, bird.” She shrugs her shoulders and leans back into Diego’s strong body.

“Go ask
her
to dance before Tazer arrives. You’ve got to try out a bunch of other girls before he introduces you to one.” She told Diego about Marlena and me. He didn’t give a flying porcupine.

Soli is pointing to a dark voluptuous girl sitting alone. She has hair like mine: multicolored streaks from the sun, straight, and down to the middle of her back. Soli knows I like feminine girls with meat on their bones. Although I’m slender due to paternal genes, I’m not interested in anyone who talks all day about low-carb diets and is obsessed with losing weight. Instead, I get a kick out of girls who
love
to chow down, like that they’re bulky, and who eat voraciously with gusto.

Diego gently kisses the back of her neck. “Chill, Soli. You’re crimpin’ my nerves.” He smiles and winks at me. I smile back. I like Diego; we get each other. Soli leans back, stretches her arms above her head, finds the tips of his hair, and plays with them. Diego’s and Soli’s cheeks meet as she rests the back of her head on the curve of his neck.

A tall, thin guy, with a slight hook nose, mildly acne-scarred cheek, and long, black wavy hair, wearing tight jeans with an open vest, comes over to us. “Hey, what’s shaking?” He greets Soli with a kiss. Soli tells us he’s a straight haircutter whose name is Francisco but everyone calls him London. He explains, “In eighth grade I was chosen as one of two kids who got a free trip to England. After I came back, everyone had nicknamed me London and it stuck.” He’s into music and politics, works with her, and comes here with his bi girl cousin on weekends to dance. They talk awhile as he takes a swig of a strawberry colored drink. He asks all of us, “It’s a luscious lez, want one?”

Soli jumps in. “Diego and I are all set.” She juts her nose in my direction. “Shai’s the one who needs a luscious lez, but she only drinks stuff like lemonade.” I know what she’s trying to say, but I hope he doesn’t catch on.

Before I can say, “No thanks,” he calls the waitress over. “One lemonade, please.” His smile radiates. “So, what’s happening in
this
corner of the world?” he asks me. I feel myself blushing. I place my feet on the floor and smile shyly.

Soli tugs at her nose ring and scrunches up her nose. “She’s a nerd. Look at her.” They scrutinize me. “She’s scared of lesbians in gay clubs.”

Soli grabs my hand and Mr. Luscious Lez grabs my other hand, and they pull me to the dance floor. Diego goes to talk with the DJ. The waitress finds us and hands me the lemonade. She tells London, “It’s on the house.” He thanks her. I take a swig and it tastes damn good. Dancing next to me, Soli whispers into my ear, “He’s amazing to work with. He’s cool with everyone being gay.”

“Maybe I’ll go out with him.” I’m open for experimentation, now that the Betrayer doesn’t give a royal toad’s turd about me.

“You come to a club filled with beautiful girls and you want to be with a
guy
?” Soli stares me up and down. “What’s
wrong
with you?”

“
You’re
what’s wrong with me. You want me to forget Betrayer, right? Well?” I just want to be left alone to do what I want without Soli in my face.

I take another swig and before you know it, the glass is empty. Mr. Luscious Lez takes my glass and places it on the bar. He comes back with arms up in the air, twirling around me. I dance really close to him and we start a body-to-body slide-and-grind.

“I didn’t know Soli had such beautiful friends,” he says over the thump-thumping music.

I grab the very ends of my hair. He closes his dreamy dark eyes, and I brush his closed lids softly with my hair.

The acne scar on his right cheek pops out when he grins. “You’re not gay, right?”

I move away from him and twirl around him twice. I think about it for a minute, then say, “Right.” I guess it’s just a matter of semantics. If he had asked, “You’ve never been in love with a girl, right?” then
that
would be a different story. I’m not lying, so I don’t feel bad.

“Cool.”

Soli’s suddenly in my face, poking fun at a sixties-style dance a friend’s grandmother taught us, acting as if she were swimming, holding her nose, wiggling down as if going underwater. She doesn’t let me get into dancing with London. I whisper sharply into her ear, “I know what you’re doing. Get out of my face so I can get to know him better.”

She dances way up closer to me. I gently push her away. “Snap, Soli, you’re such a major pain.”

I take London’s hand and start doing super wild go-go dances from a seventies rerun I learned. The girls create a circle around us and clap loudly. I’m moving really sexy, causing a commotion, feeling pretty damned popular.

London’s eyes say it all. After the crowd disperses, we dance three straight songs.

He plants a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be right back.”

Soli twirls around me until he brings me another lemonade.

He hands me the drink. “For the prettiest and sexiest mover around.” He takes me by surprise and smacks me a kiss on my lips. Suddenly our mouths lock. He makes out with me more intensely, and I swiftly remove my face from his. Kissing him isn’t delicious; it feels nothing like it did with Marlena. I made out with two other guys before Marlena, but no one compares to her. I miss our deep, smooth, sensual kissing more than ever, but I say zip and just smile.

I gulp the lemonade down fast, to wipe the taste of his kiss off my mouth. I want to just be friends. I’m over the experiment.

Now everything around me is whirling in slow motion. I can’t seem to stay on my feet. Soli grabs the glass from my hands and holds me up. “What’s wrong with you? You can’t be drunk.” She sniffs the glass. “There’s no alcohol in here.” She hands the glass to London. “Is this
really
lemonade?”

He lifts his broad eyebrows, and it makes his nose and scar seem fascinating. “I hope so. Jon Espada is bartending tonight. He’s giving me free drinks.”

Soli’s eyes widen. “Jon? You
know
he’s hard core into Ecstasy.” She looks toward a husky, muscular guy who’s grinning. She turns to London. “You asshole! We should have a choice whether we want to do X or not.”

London explains, “But I didn’t know he was spiking the drinks.”

“I’m
not
high,” I say, while acting as if waves are jerking up my right side, popping to my left, in slow motion. Things around me seem to be swirling fast. I’m one with everyone here. I love everybody and I know they love me. What a great life.

I explode in jittery muscle moves and intricate foot shuffling that has me stumbling around. Soli catches me. “Let’s go back outside.” She pushes London aside. “Get out of my way!”

“But Soli, I’m serious. I didn’t know.”

“Move, idiot. I don’t want to see your face
ever
again.”

London holds his hands up in the air with the glass in hand, as if a cop had a gun to his head. “Okay. Okay.” He walks away.

Soli grabs my hand and pulls me to the table. The girls next to us are talking loudly about wanting to become doctors and lawyers. I lean over to Soli and whisper, “I miss Marlena sooo much.”

She’s telling me she wants me to hook up with one of the
Cubanitas
when I look up and see a familiar face. “Hey, hey, hey, Tazer Spacer, long time no see. How’s it shakin’?” My knees are wobbly, but I act normal. “What choo doing here?”

“Hey,
chica
, great to see you again. Soli asked me to come.” He smacks a kiss on the top of my head and leaves a fresh mint scent around me. Suddenly, my lips tingle, and I have an urge to kiss him.

“You’re adorable!” I look him over once, then twice. Tazer really is beyond handsome.

He hugs Soli and shakes Diego’s hand as he’s introduced. I try to stand and feel woozy. My arms feel like Jell-O and I plunk down on the seat. “What’s the scoop, Taze? You in a Daze?” My words come out funny.