Dragon Apocalypse (The Berserker and the Pedant Book 2) (2 page)

Gurken opened his eyes, his head thrumming with a pounding ache.
 
The world was upside down.
 

“What did that wench poison me with?” Gurken said.
 
“Everything is wrong side up.”

“Why do you keep using that word?” Pellonia asked.

Gurken turned to his right.
 
There was Pellonia.
 
She was right side up, though the doorway was hanging from the ceiling and there were manacles laying against the ceiling as well.

“What word?”
 
Gurken asked.

Pellonia glared at him.
 
“Wench.
 
The word wench.”

“Is it not a perfectly good word?
 
Am I saying it wrong?
 
Winch?
 
Wanch? Wents?”

Pellonia rolled her eyes and sighed.
 
“Let’s just get out of here,” she said and bent down to work at her manacles.
 
She fell to the ceiling.

“What magic is this?” Gurken wondered in awe.
 
Pellonia walked on the ceiling over to Gurken and opened the manacles attaching his leg to the wall.
 
Gurken fell to the ceiling with a thump and an “oof!” as he landed.

Pellonia sighed once more.
 
“It’s not magic Gurken, you were upside down.”

Gurken looked around and saw that they were in a small room that was quite familiar.
 
They were currently the only residents of the temple dungeon, and seeing as they were no longer constrained by the manacles on the wall, and that there were sacks of soil, manure, and various rakes, shovels, and gardening hoes lying strewn about the room, one might have to refer to it as a gardening shed.

Gurken’s axe lay on the floor with a piece of paper on it, folded in half and closed with a clay seal.
 
The impression on the seal was of a pair of lips puckered in a kiss.
 
Gurken picked up the paper and frowned.
 
He broke the seal and opened the paper.
 
He growled as he read the paper, then handed it to Pellonia.
 
Pellonia read it aloud.

To the temple of Durstin Firebeard,
 

I. O. U. one magical dart-producing quiver.

Signed,
 

Maximina Nobility

“She even signed it with a flourish,” Pellonia said. “She’s got class, I’ll give her that.”

“Class?
 
She’s a lowly temple thief!”

“She didn’t really steal the quiver, she’s only borrowing it for a bit.
 
Look, she’s going to give it back.
 
She left an I.O.U.”

“That paper isn’t worth… it isn’t worth the paper it’s written on!”

“Why didn’t a dwarfen symbol on your axe light up and save the day?” The sudden change in subject gave Gurken pause.
 
He was unable to simultaneously hold the thought of the temple thief and consider the wildly different question.
 
He struggled, but then could no longer remember what he had been so angry about a moment before.

Gurken lovingly rubbed at Kenaz, the dwarfen rune of vision, revelation, and knowledge.
 
“Hasn’t done that since the elves left.
 
Never mind that now, we’ve got to get the temple’s artifact back.
 
I don’t care if we have to track her across the world.
 
I vow, in the name of Durstin Firebeard, dwarfen God of Butchery and Battle, that I will hunt her down and I will recover the temple’s artifact.
 
She shall not escape.”

C
HAPTER
T
WO

The Berserker and the Pack

“HERE YOU GO.”
 
Maximina Nobility handed the magical dart quiver over to Gurken.
 
“I don’t need it anymore.”

Maximina Nobility had been seen heading out of town in the dead of night on a pitch-black horse.
 
Gurken and Pellonia set off immediately to find her and arrived at a small town by midmorning.
 
They spotted her immediately; she was rather difficult to miss.

“What do you mean, you don’t need it anymore?” Gurken asked in anger.
 
“We’ve tracked you down and-”

“I thought darts would be a very efficient and effective weapon.
 
I’ve a much better plan now.
 
Sure, darts provide a very rapid rate of attack, but you run out too quickly.
 
I thought the magic dart sack would solve that problem, but it turns out that the darts it produces are neither magical nor poisoned, so they have to be dipped in poison after pulling them out of the sack, like I did with you.
 
That lowers their utility remarkably.
 
Far too slow.
 
I tried taking them out, dipping them, and setting them aside, but the darts dissolved after a few minutes.”

“Doesn’t matter, you’re coming back with us to the temple to face a tribunal for your crimes,” Gurken growled.

“Did you try to…” Pellonia began.

“Put them back in the sack after dipping them in poison?
 
Yes, but when they came back out again… not poisoned.”

“Perhaps some sort of…”

“Poisoned gloves?” Maximina finished Pellonia’s sentence for her.
 
“A good thought, but too dangerous.
 
I’m afraid I’d poison myself.”

“Perhaps if you just…”

“Prepared by pulling out a bunch of darts when I knew there was going to be a battle in the next few minutes?
 
Not flexible enough.
 
What if I was surprised?”

“That’s not what I was going to say,” said Pellonia.
 
Maximina shrugged.

“Enough,” said Gurken. “You are hereby arrested.
 
You will be coming back wit-”

“So what are you using instead?” Pellonia asked, interjecting.

“Dogs.”

“Dogs?”

“Dogs.”
 
Maximina whistled and a pack of dogs that had been lazing about in the shade jumped to their paws and ran over to Maximina’s side.
 
There were a dozen of them, lined up in a neat row.

“Now there are thirteen independently acting creatures on my side.
 
That’s even more actions at once than I could take with darts.
 
And, it’s scalable.
 
If I’m facing a stronger foe, why I just go get more dogs.
 
Sure, a few dogs will die here and there, but so what?
 
They’re cheap!
 
They’re like five pieces of gold each.”

A dog looked up at her and whined.
 
Pellonia crossed her arms and glared.
 
Gurken considered that the forces arrayed against them had suddenly become rather more difficult to subdue.

“That’s really mean,” Pellonia said.

“Is it?
 
I suppose you’re right.
 
I’ll have to come up with something else.
 
In the meantime, I can’t go back with you.”

“You’re coming back with us all right,” Gurken said.

“Why not?” Pellonia asked.

“These villagers are under assault by a dragon and have asked for my aid.”

 
Gurken gave her a surprised look.

“What?
 
If I don’t help them, who will?
 
They can’t help themselves and I can’t, in good conscience, let them go on sacrificing virgins to the dragon, can I?
 
How many virgins can they possibly have?
 
They’re going to run out and then they’re really screwed.”

“We’ll help you!” Pellonia said, excited.
 
“We’ve faced and defeated a dragon before, you know.”

Gurken looked at Pellonia, then back at Maximina and sighed.
 
“Aye, we’ve slain a dragon before.
 
I supposed we can’t let these people suffer.”

“Fabulous,” Maximina said.
 
“It’s settled then.
 
It’s my quest, so I’m party leader.”

“You?” Gurken exclaimed.
 
“We’re the ones that defeated a dragon.
 
I’ll be leading the party.”

“Ha!
 
You couldn’t even get around my darts, and I have an even more effective weapon now.”
 
The dogs growled in unison.
 
Gurken curled his lip in a snarl and growled back at them.
 
The dogs whined and sat down, pretending to notice a squirrel prancing about in another direction.

Gurken and Maximina glared at each other for a time, then both looked to Pellonia.

“I, for one, don’t care which of you is party leader,” Pellonia said.
 
“The important thing is that we save this town.”

Gurken and Maximina blushed.

“Quite right,” said Gurken.

“Of course, of course,” said Maximina.

“Good.
 
Now that that’s settled, Maximina do you have enough food for the dogs on the journey?”

“Food?
 
Don’t they just hunt for food along the way?”

“Ha!” Gurken exclaimed.
 
“No, they don’t just hunt for food on their own.
 
We’d spend half the journey wandering about looking for lost dogs.”

“Gurken,” said Pellonia, “since your magical axe is no longer magicking, do you have a strategy for taking down the dragon?”

“I, uh, well, we could, let’s see…
 
Uh.
 
Nnnnnn-maybe we couuulllldddd, uhhh. No, no I don’t.
 
Wait!
 
Uh, no.”

“Well, perhaps we should come up with a strategy before setting off to the dragon’s lair?
 
A bit of strategy could go a long way towards assuring victory.”

“Strategy is overrated; tactics separate the living and the dead.”

Pellonia stared at Gurken in wonderment and shook her head.
 
Finally, she said, “Maximina go get food for the dogs. I’ll talk to the town leaders.
 
Gurken you seek out a wizard and get your axe fixed.”

Maximina walked up to the town armory, the pack of dogs trailing behind her.
 
It was a solid stone building with a covered area out front.
 
There was a smith hammering on a horseshoe under the covered area.
 
A loud metallic clang rang every time he struck.
 
He looked up and gave her the strangest look when he saw the dogs following her.

“Hullo,” she said.
 
“I’m looking for food for the dogs for my journey.”

“I don’t sell dog food.
 
I sell weapons and armor.”
 
He looked down at his work and sighed. “And horseshoes.”

“These dogs are a very effective weapon, I assure you.”

“Mostly, I sell horseshoes.”

“Yes, that’s fine, but these dogs are a weapon and they require food.
 
You sell sheaths for the swords don’t you?
 
The sheath isn’t a weapon.”

“I’ve trained as a blade smith and armorer for years, but do these people need weapons?
 
No, they need horseshoes.
 
I don’t have any kibble, but if you need a fine blade I can make you one.”

“That’s great.
 
A blade.
 
Hmm.
 
Let me see.
 
A sword that I can use to fight something one at a time or a pack of dogs that can surround and devour my foes.
 
Think, think…”

The smithy, quite experienced at his trade, knew the sort of customer in front of him.
 
“Well then, I’ve got quite the deal for you.
 
You can buy two swords, then when your foe is distracted by the dogs, you can sneak up behind them and stick the swords in their back.”

Maximina’s eyes grew wide and she grinned a huge stupid grin.
 
“That.
 
Is.
 
Brilliant!
 
Unlimited dual-wielding sneak attacks!
 
I’ll take two swords, please.”