Dream Smashers (10 page)

“Evan.”

“Oh, hey there Autumn. How you holding up?
Are you tired yet?” He stops carving and turns toward me. The heat
seems to be getting to him too. A film of moisture covers his
skin.

“Nah, I’m not tired. Well, I’m tired of
dishes, but not tired in general.” He’s not saying anything and
he’s smiling so I’m probably not making any sense. This must be his
polite expression that’s glued to his face when he doesn’t know
what to say. “Uh, Alice said to come help you.”

“Oh.” He laughs and stops staring at me to
look at the ham and the knife in his hand and the floor and then
back at me. “Okay. Sorry. I was just daydreaming or something. Did
she say what she wanted you to do?”

“Nope. She just said that you would find me
something to help you with.”

He looks around. The line waits on him to
serve the ham. He goes back to carving again and meticulously
places a slice on a plate that is being held out for him. “Sorry
about the wait,” he murmurs to the man with the plate.

The old man winks at me. “No problem.”

“Why don’t you take over the rolls right
there.” He points with the knife to a tray full of dinner rolls.
“Wash your hands first and use the tongs to put a roll on each
plate.”

“I think I can handle that.” I turn to wash
my hands in the back. Before I get two steps a woman’s voice calls
my name. “Autumn. You-hoo, Autumn.”

Oh God. Please no. Not now, not here. I take
another step to get away from the voice. Maybe I’m just hearing
things.

“Fuck gurrl. Aren’t you missy goody-goody
helping us poor folk out an all.”

I turn, slowly. Jacinda, of all the people in
the entire world, stands with a plate in her hand. Her clothes are
covered in filth, her hair is in mats, her face covered with dirt.
I wave and turn back to wash my hands. Please go away, please,
please.

“Is that any ways to tweet ya mudder?”

I move my head the other way to glance at
Evan. He looks at me, large eyes of pure good, with the most
non-judging expression on his face—blank. He’s got to be thinking
something. It’s probably something terrible. He probably thinks my
mother is a crazy freak and I’m a horrible daughter for ignoring
her right now. She’s going to make a scene no matter what I do.

I face her, trying my best to stay normal, if
there is such a thing. My cheeks feel like they’re being skinned
with a dull knife from all of the smiling. Rule Number One. “Hi.
Would you like a dinner roll?” I pick up the tongs and place one on
her plate. “How are you feeling today?” I can’t believe I just
asked her that. I don’t care how she’s feeling—evil witch. She’s
drunk. Just go away. Don’t answer. Go away.

“Ain’t you sweet. Did ya know…that—” She lets
out a loud belch and starts to lean before catching herself and
standing straight. “Did Ma…did Grams tell ya ‘bout her dream?” She
laughs a wicked laugh.

“No, she didn’t. Do you want me to help you
with your tray, Jacinda?” I ask, hoping to move her along.

“You ungwateful little bwat!” She yells and
points her dirty finger at me. “You shouldn’t calls me dat. I’m yer
mom. You calls me Mom. Got it?”

***

In third grade Rainy’s cousin had a birthday
party. We were inseparable by then, so when she got an invitation
it had both our names on it. It was the party of all parties, with
girls pretending to be princesses dancing around in long frilly
dresses and wearing plastic diamond tiaras and earrings.

Rainy did my make-up that day, using her best
glittering blue eye shadow and pink blush. She made us up to look
like twins. Grams bought pink satin fabric and white lace to sew us
matching dresses that hung heavy to the ground. It was the most
glamorous party I had ever attended. Until my mom showed up.

I didn’t know at the time why she was always
so mean. I only knew that she was, and I hated her for it.

She stood on the front lawn before the party
ended, calling my name. “Autumn Spring Winters! Oh, Autumn. Come on
out and hug your mama.”

I hid in the house, behind the thick
curtains, and watched as Mr. Johnston and Mr. Moen tried to
persuade her to leave. She didn’t. “Autumn! Get the fuck out here
you ungrateful little brat!” She continued on like that, and one by
one each guest disappeared out the back door so not forced to face
her. Not soon enough, a police car showed up, and took her away
kicking and screaming.

Rainy pulled me from the window. She wiped my
face with tissue and then reapplied the blue eye shadow.

We were never invited to a princess party at
her cousin’s house again. And that is when my mom became Jacinda to
me.

***

Anger rushes from my brain to my chest then
back up to my mouth, and before I can stop myself, I yell back.
“You aren’t my mom! You aren’t a mother at all.” Tears stream out
of my eyes. Great. I wipe them away, hoping nobody sees them.

Evan jumps to my side, his hand on my
shoulder. “Jacinda. You should go now. Take your food and go
please.” He signals for one of the guards by the front door that I
didn’t notice until now.

“Awwww. How sweet. Mama’s baby has a
boyfriend.” She sways backward and doesn’t catch herself in time.
Her food tray clamors to the floor, just as her body hits a table
and tumbles to the ground too. Getting into a crawling position, on
all fours, she says, “Autumn. Help me. Help me, Autumn, I
falled.”

Sweat, tears, heat, salt, swimming down my
face.

Evan runs around the counter to help Jacinda
off the ground.

This isn’t happening. This can’t be
happening.

The security guard helps Evan pick her
up.

“Hey. Hey.” She wipes the saliva off her
mouth before stuffing a roll into it. With her mouth full, she
says, “Did Ma ever tells you ‘bout…’bout the good ‘ole pastor?” Her
smile reveals bread covered teeth. But beneath the bread, the
rotting decay shows right through. “He’s yers daddy. Dat bastard.”
She shakes her head. Tears drop out of her eyes now too. “Dat
bastard.”

My mind races in a blur of thoughts. No one
has ever mentioned a pastor to me. She’s not making any sense.

“Okay, Jacinda. Let’s go now, sweetheart,”
the guard says. He’s too nice to her. Way too nice.

She stumbles, not knowing or caring that two
men are practically carrying her.

“I’ve got her now, Evan. You go take care of
Miss Autumn over there.” The guard picks up Jacinda like she’s a
child and carries her out of the dining area.

“Put me down mudder fuckah! Dat’s my daughta
over there. I love my daughta.”

I can’t move. I can’t talk. It hurts. Oh God,
it hurts.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Her face, lifeless of blood. Her eyes, dark
as the abyss. Evan sees her pain. He feels her sorrowful energy,
but can’t fathom what she must be going through. Life has never
been dark for him as it must be for her right now. There has always
been light, love, family, and hope. Hope creates the light for no
matter how dark it gets, it shines the way.

“Autumn?” he says.

She’s in a trance, a deep pit, and either
doesn’t hear him or ignores him. Perhaps she just can’t respond
right now. Maybe she doesn’t want to.

Alice trots behind the buffet. “Oh darlin’.
You alright?” She embraces the lifeless shell of a girl. “Of course
you ain’t.” She kinks her neck and reaches up, holds Autumn’s face
in her hands and looks into her eyes. “Listen, that woman is going
to be just fine. Whether she is or she isn’t your momma, you don’t
worry one bit. We’ll give her a nice bed to sleep it off. Okay?
Booze makes people do funny things.”

Autumn doesn’t respond, only runs her fingers
back and forth over the bracelet around her wrist.

“I’m going to have Evan take you home now.
You go home and get some rest. Ya hear me?”

Autumn finally shows some sign of recognition
with a nod of her head.

“Okay.” Alice looks at me. “Evan, you go get
her things now and take this poor girl home. She’s
traumatized.”

He runs to grab their things out of the
locker. When he turns around, Alice is standing at the back door
with her stubby arm on Autumn’s shoulder. The diverse contrast
between the woman’s short body and the girl’s tall one is oddly
freakish.

Autumn’s physical beauty is savage. Her
sadness only enhances a strange visceral feeling to protect her, to
take her in his arms and to comfort her—any and all ways possible.
He steps forward, holding out her jacket.

“Okay you two. Off with ya.” Alice turns to
Evan. “You make sure she gets home safely. Call me if you need
anything.” She opens the door.

Dark eyes stare at Evan. A glimmer passes
through them, stirring a desire stronger than he’s ever known. She
breaks eye contact and grabs the jacket from his hand. Her fingers
brush his. A tingling jolt, like an icy-hot bullet, shoots up his
arm and needles travel up his spine. If it were just she and Evan,
she would be in his arms right now, crushed against his chest. He’d
hold her so tight she couldn’t move. He’d keep her safe. This, he
desperately wants, more than anything. To keep her close, sheltered
from the cruel world.

They step into the night air and walk without
words to the car.

Evan opens the car door for her. She looks up
at him. “Thank you.” The grateful expression on her face, the silky
sound of her voice, only pushes him closer to the edge. Alice no
longer stands in the doorway of the Share Home. This is his chance
to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay. He turns
to her, with the words ready to burst from his lips.

But, she’s already in the car. He wasn’t fast
enough.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

I totally thought he’d kiss me. But he
didn’t. His eyes told me that he wanted to, unless I misread him.
I’ve been known to do that before. Usually I’m in-tune with others’
feelings, but on a rare occasion I’m wrong. Maybe this is one of
those times. It surely would be embarrassing if he doesn’t want to
and I go for it. Rejection, right now, would be too much. Jacinda
gave me enough stress already tonight. Another blow could be
devastating.

“You ready?” Evan clears the frog from his
voice. “Are you ready to go?”

I nod. But, I don’t want to go home. The
thought of going home right now makes me cringe. Tonight’s going to
be my little secret. There’s no reason why Grams needs to know
about Jacinda. It’s just another ordeal for her to worry and she
doesn’t need anything else to worry about—that’s for sure. I’ll
think of a way to find out more about the pastor Jacinda mentioned,
my secret father that has been kept from me my entire life. Now I
know a tiny bit of that secret, a pastor, a servant of the church,
my father. None of these words belong together in the same
sentence. Perhaps I misunderstood what Jacinda said.

Evan starts up the engine. “Need to let the
engine warm up a bit.” He reaches over to turn the knob on the
radio. Ugh. I hope it’s not the country station again.

A melody resonates from the speakers. It’s
not country. I’ve never heard this song before. It almost sounds
like folk music, I think, but modern.

“What is this?” I ask.

“Do you like it?” His face lights up again.
This boy is very easy to please.

I shrug. “Sure.”

He turns it up. “Listen to the words. It’s a
great song.”

Ah, yeah. I should have known. A
Jesus-loves-me song. “Is this a CD or a radio station?”

“It’s the Christian radio station. Do you
ever listen to it?”

“Uh…” I half-smile. “I might have.” Like,
never.

“We sang this song in church yesterday. We
have an entire band that plays great music like this every
Sunday.”

“You sing?” Is there anything he doesn’t
do?

“Yeah. Don’t you?”

“Um… Yeah, of course. Singing’s cool.”

“You, uh, want to go sometime?”

“Maybe. Someday.” I totally can’t believe I
just said that. I haven’t been to church since I was a kid. Grams
stopped forcing me years ago when tantrums became a prerequisite
for my attendance.

“Really? I think you’d enjoy it if you did.
Next week we’re going to have a guest speaker. Do you want to go
then?”

“Sure. Why not.” I shrug. “It could be fun if
you’re there. Will I have to meet your parents and stuff?”

“Unfortunately.” He laughs, then bites his
lip, hard. “They’re real nice though.” He flicks the key ring
hanging from the ignition. And then, as if reassuring him rather
than me, he says, “You don’t need to worry.”

“I’m sure they are. I mean, since they raised
you, I’m sure they’re nice people.” This could be a good thing.
Just being around Evan helps the bad disappear. Jacinda’s little
episode ten minutes ago in the Share Home is almost an ancient
memory. I’m not sure exactly how that could be, but I’m not going
to question a good thing. Who needs drugs and alcohol when they can
just have Evan? Ha. I crack myself up. Especially since I just
agreed to go to church and meet his parents all in a matter of
minutes. Ugh.
God help me!

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Her sorrowful energy disappears. Replaced by
a different kind of energy, one that reminds him of a sunny spring
day with cherry blossoms blowing in the wind. This new energy is
even more tantalizing than all the others Evan felt her give off.
The layers of Autumn seem to be never ending. Everything about her
fascinates him.

This girl is so mysterious. Questions about
her mother sit at the edge of his tongue, but that would make her
sad again. The questions can wait.

“I think the engine is warmed up enough. Do
you want some heat?” he asks.

“Yes please.” She rubs her hands
together.

He flips on the heater and then puts the gear
shift into first.

“Hey, do you mind if we not go home right
away? Grams probably isn’t expecting me for another couple hours so
we can go do something else if you want.”