Dreams~Shadows of the Night (23 page)

“I must sound like a first class jerk to you.”

“I don’t know you well enough to make such a judgment call, but I’m afraid your imagination is more vivid than the reality of what actually happened. It was a case of two good people being thrown together in extremely tragic circumstances. They took solace   in their friendship, but never abused it.”

“You’re right, you don’t know me, and I’m beginning to think I don’t know myself. I used to be so sure of everything
–
cocky enough to think I could have it all. My life started to change when I met Catherine. I’d begun to think about marriage, but I wasn’t quite ready for the responsibility of a committed relationship, so I went away.”

“Is that when you decided to take the job in South America?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t sure if you knew about that. I thought I could take off and come back and pick up where I left off. But things haven’t gone the way I thought they were going to, and I can’t seem to get back on
track.”

“Maybe you need to try a different path?”

“I don’t know what that would be. I keep wishing things could go back to the way they were before I left. My life was certainly a lot less complicated then.”

“We should all probably be careful of what we wish for. Maybe you were forced to grow up while you were away,” Ryan said with a bluntness only a stranger would dare.

Josh’s eyes flashed in anger, and he rubbed a hand across his chest.

“It wasn’t a very pleasant way to gain maturity, believe me.”

“It wasn’t my intention to play down what you must have gone through, but I’m sure you realize if you continue to dance through life you’re eventually going to step on some toes and have others step on yours.”

“You’re right, my ego did need taming down, and Catherine made me take stock of where I was going with my life. I made all kinds of vows after I was rescued on how much I would appreciate her, but instead I’ve made a God awful mess of things.”

“Perhaps because you lost Catherine once you’re afraid of losing her again, so to protect yourself you continue to drive her away, even though you actually want her in your life. You might also consider the possibility that you feel guilty for leaving and that could make you think you don’t deserve her.”

He stared at Ryan with the look of someone who’d just been jolted into coming to his senses.

“I never thought of it like that. I love Catherine and I’m sick at the thought of losing her, but I’ve been acting like an idiot,
hounding her with accusations and making outrageous demands. You’d think a thirty-four year old man would be able to do a better job of handling his personal life.” He rubbed his forehead. “Everything’s so tangled up inside me I don’t have faith in my feelings enough to do the right thing to keep her.”

“You can’t have love without trust.”

“You medicos are on the same page. That’s what Catherine said. I really screwed up when I accused her and Tom of being lovers. He was like a brother to me and I know in my heart he would never have done such a thing, but I threw it in her face not once, but twice. What kind of a person does that make me?” he asked in self-disgust.

“I’d say a foolish one as well as a man who lacks confidence. You went to
South America
and returned a different person. You and that man have to learn to get to know each other. Catherine fell in love with you the way you were, and she needs time to adjust to the change. There’s more to love than sex. The rest
is different for each indivi
dual, but to have a truly meaningful relationship you have to want a person as much out of bed as you do when they’re in it.
My advice is not
to allow anyone or anything to come between you until you get the correct balance. You’ll know when you have everything
right.”

He thought of Ivy. “What if it’s someone you’ve known and trusted all your life?”

“You won’t know until you try. We’re all hanging by a fragile thread most of the time, but you’d be surprised at how much strength can come from our weaknesses. Your life changed because of a series of dramatic events. You can’t alter the fact that they happened, but you can learn from them. It’s your call to try and make the right choice.”

“I’d say it’s about damn time I do.” He cleared his throat and shifted uneasily in the chair. “Um, I’d appreciate it if you’d let me tell Catherine about this visit.”

“Understood. She’s a good friend and I’d like her to be happy.”

“So would I.” Josh stood up and offered his hand with much more enthusiasm than he’d felt when he first arrived. “You’ve been a great help. Thank you, Dr. Wade.”

“Make it Ryan. Helping people is what I do. Go put things right with Cathe
rine for both your sakes. Life
can
get to
be lonely when you lose someone special.”

Remembering his mother saying that Ryan had been widowed, Josh felt compelled to say something.

“I know you lost your wife, Ryan. I’m very sorry. She was obviously a very lucky lady to have snared a guy like you.”

“I was the lucky one, but my luck ran out. Don’t let that happen to you, Josh.”

Deep in thought, Josh left the office and headed for his car. If he’d been more willing to believe Catherine, things would be a lot easier between them now. He could forgive himself given his emotional and mental state the first time he’d rejected her words, but there was no excuse for his latest accusation.

For some inexplicable reason his mother had crossed an ethical line using lies while she hoarded the truth. He couldn’t understand what had made her do such a thing, but her efforts to turn his mind against Catherine had nearly worked.

Josh felt revolted with himself remembering how he’d insulted Catherine using his mother’s trumped up story. Now he must see her to apologize, although he knew simply saying he was sorry wasn’t enough to make up for the way he’d treated her.

At least he hoped he’d have another opportunity to make things right and like Ryan, he didn’t care if forgiveness came with groveling. He intended to confront his mother about her duplicity, but right now he needed to make another phone call.

He picked up his cell phone.

“Mr. Marsh, this is Josh Dallas.”

“Josh! How are you, my boy?” he asked in a warm voice. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yes sir, it has. I’m well, thank you.”

“I’m so glad. When I last talked to your mother she said you’d had a breakdown
.”

“I guess I did. Um, I was wondering if you’ve spoken to my mother since then.”

“No I haven’t. I did ask her to keep me informed, but she never called back. I thought of contacting her, but decided it was best not to intrude in the event there were complications with your recovery. Jenny will be so pleased when I tell her you’re well.”

Josh thought of the woman who looked so much like Marie that she’d jolted his brain into remembering everything he thought he’d lost.

“How is she?”

“A bit of a saint for putting up with me,” he chuckled. “I got her to marry me.”

“That’s wonderful news. Congratulations to you both.”

“Thank you. Now, how about you, did you ever marry your young lady
?”

“No, but I still want to very much. Unfortunately we’ve had some setbacks.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but take my advice and don’t waste time when you find that special someone or you might miss out.”

“I’m trying, but I’m confused about a few things. Did you call my parents after we parted at the airport to let them know I was coming home?”

“Why no. I thought you said you wanted to surprise your family.”

Josh barely managed to stop himself from blurting out a vicious string of cursing remembering how easily he’d been duped by his mother’s skillful lying. He pushed back the throb of temper that wanted to beat against his
temples.

“So you weren’t in contact with my mother at that point?” he stressed, needing to be sure, but dreading the answer.

“Not then, no. But she did call me later wanting to know what had happened to you after the kidnapping. She said you were too distraught to communicate properly and thought if she knew the details she would have a better chance of helping you recover.”

“Did she happen to mention Catherine at any time during the conversation?”

He hesitated.

“Yes, as a matter of fact she did.”

“Do you mind if I ask what she said?” Several seconds of silence followed his request making his pulse hammer knowing the reply wouldn’t bring comfort. “I’m kind of lost here and I need some direction. Any help would be appreciated.” he prodded.

“I understand, but I don’t want to be the cause of any problems between you and your mother. It might be best
to
leave that part of the conversation alone, Josh.”

“It’s important that I know what she told you and you don’t need to gift wrap it.”

“Well, if you’re sure that’s what you
really
want.” But he still hesitated until once again Josh urged his cooperation.

“All right then,” he let out a breath. “Your mother insisted Catherine was the real cause of your breakdown and that it was up to her as your parent to protect you from having to deal with her. I’m afraid my suggestion that she step back and allow you and Catherine to work things out on your own wasn’t received very well.”

“How do you know she felt that way?”

“Because she hung up on me after a few final blistering words to let me know what she thought of my advice.”

Josh’s fingers tightened on his phone recalling how his mother had looked at him with such pleading while she spun her tale of deceit like a spider creating its web. His gut burned with the disgust and anger churning inside him.

“I’m sorry she was so rude.”

“I admit I was shocked by her reaction, but considering your condition, she had a right to be upset. It couldn’t have been easy for her seeing you in such a state.”

“I was pretty out of it,” he agreed. “But she shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Don’t worry about it. I hope I’ve helped you. You’re obviously experiencing some problems in communication and I certainly wouldn’t want to make things worse.”

“You haven’t. You
’ve
told me what I needed to know. Thank you for being honest with me.”

“Well, I
certainly
wish it could have been a happier conversation for you. I hope you can make things work out
between you and your Catherine.”

“So do I. She’s means everything to me, but I have a feeling I’m going to be involved in quite a battle. I’ll let you know what happens.”

“I hope you will
.  A
nd as to that battle, some things are worth fighting for.”

“Yeah, especially when you know it’s your one chance to win the war.”

Priscilla watched from the doorway, as Catherine deftly folded another set of clothes for Tommy and laid them in the small suitcase lying open on his changing table. She grabbed several disposable diapers and began stuffing them into a diaper bag.

Catherine looked up.

“Did you get everything set up with Meg to use her condo?”

“Yes.” Priscilla came into the room. “Luckily she
doesn’t
have it rented right now.”

“How about the shop? Is she going to be able to work the extra hours?”

“It’s all set.
We had discussed
when I hired her that
she
might
be
need
ed
to take over from time to time
since
we have the baby. How long do you think I should stay away?”

Catherine closed the suitcase. “I’m not sure, but hopefully not too long. I’ll update you as soon as I can. I’m sorry about this, Aunt Pris. I realize it’s an inconvenience asking you to drop everything on such short notice and take off. I might be over reacting, but I can’t take the chance that Josh will make good on this threat.”

“I can’t believe he would really come here and try to take the baby from us. What does he hope to gain? He has no legal rights where Tommy is concerned.”

“He thinks his long relationship with Tom takes precedence over blood ties.”

“Well, I wish he’d make up his mind instead of
just
threatening us. One minute he’s saying he wants the two of you to help raise Tommy together, and the next thing I know you’re saying he wants to take the baby out of our lives.” She shook her head. “I still don’t understand why he’d even suggest something so selfish.”