Driftwood Lane (28 page)

Piper whined, then sat, wiggling restlessly in the grass. The wind ruffled her fur.

“Piper, let’s go!” Stupid dog. Didn’t she know she was free? Jake glared at her.

Piper lifted her nose to the air, then lowered her head, nose to the ground. She looked up at Jake soulfully.

Jake marched toward her, up the slope, through the sea oats. He gathered Piper in his arms, a tense bundle of fur, carried her down the hill, and deposited her on the sand.

He walked away. “Come on!” A dozen steps later he turned. She was huddled in a circle, unmoving.

“What is wrong with you?” He gestured down the shoreline. “You have the whole beach, the whole world! You’re free!”

And yet she cowered in the sand, afraid to move.

Jake glared at the dog, catching his breath. Why wouldn’t she move? If she’d only try, she’d see it was safe.

Piper was frozen in place, her head down, her front legs half bent. Her ears lay flat, and her tail curled protectively around her body.

Just try
.

But Jake could see that wasn’t going to happen. She was locked in place, helpless to move.

Jake settled his hands on his hips, staring at her. She looked pitiful cowering on the beach. A tremor passed through her body.

As quickly as the anger rose, it drained away. Jake gave a hard sigh, then walked back.

Piper lifted her eyes, watching his approach, her brows lifting, though her nose nearly touched the sand.

Jake sank beside her on the sand. He wanted to help her, wanted to fix the problem, but there was nothing he could do, was there?

Piper timidly sniffed his shirt, darted a glance at Jake. A moment later she rested her head on his leg and gave a deep sigh.

Jake set his hand on her side. “I know, girl. Believe me, I know.”

Thirty-nine

Meridith curled her fist and rapped on the door. Her eyes ached from lack of sleep. She was stifling a yawn when the door opened.

“Meridith! What a lovely surprise!” Rita’s wide smile and big hug were just what the doctor ordered.

“Sorry to drop in on you.”

“Nonsense.” Rita held up her rubber-gloved hands. “You’ve saved me from the dishes. Come in.”

The home smelled of lilacs and coffee, and when Rita offered a cup of the brew, Meridith accepted. She’d been in such a hurry to escape the house she hadn’t made a pot.

Meridith sat at the kitchen table. The weekend had been miserable. She’d pasted on a smile for the guests, went through the motions with the children, and tried not to wonder where Jake went when he disappeared.

She should ask him to leave. But the fireplace was half dismantled, and a new leak had sprung up on the kitchen ceiling below the children’s bathroom.

Rita set a steaming mug at her fingertips and sat across from her. Light streamed through the patio doors, but Meridith wished the sun would go away.

She lifted the mug and inhaled before taking a sip. The liquid warmed her throat, and she prayed the caffeine would lift her spirits.

“Honey, what’s going on? You were quiet as a mouse at church yesterday, and you look so tired. Are the kids giving you fits, or are you missing Stephen?”

Meridith shook her head. “The kids are fine. It’s not Stephen either.”

Rita laid her soft hand on Meridith’s arm. “Then what is it? I’m worried about you.”

Meridith ran her finger along the mug’s fat rim. “It’s—” The rest of the words clogged her throat. There were too many words, too many problems. “I don’t know where to start.”

“What happened to frazzle you so?”

She
was
frazzled. It was so unlike her. “Jake kissed me. Or I kissed him, I’m not sure.” She looked up at her friend, sheepishly.

The frown lines on Rita’s forehead dissolved, and her lips lifted at the corners. “I see.”

“No, you don’t. This is not a good thing.”

“Because of Stephen . . .”

“
No
. . . Why does everyone think this is about Stephen?” As soon as the words were out, Meridith sighed. “Of course everyone thinks it’s about Stephen. If I were normal, this
would
be about Stephen—oh, what is wrong with me?” Meridith palmed her forehead.

“It’s okay. Talk to me.”

Maybe Rita could give her perspective. Meridith opened her mouth, and the story of her childhood spilled like a glass of milk onto the table. From her parents’ arguments to her dad leaving to her mother’s bipolar disorder.

“Eva mentioned the mental illness once,” Rita said. “Talk about an unstable childhood.”

“That’s it exactly. There was no order, no control. I feel like my childhood happened to me, and I was helpless. I never knew what to expect. One day she’d be nearly suicidal and the next she’d be frantically energetic and so touchy I had to walk on eggshells.”

“You practically raised yourself. No wonder you’re so competent.”

“And then when I was twelve I found out the disease was hereditary. I spent my teenage years fearing I’d wind up like her.”

“But you didn’t.”

Meridith traced the threads on the quilted placemat, her thoughts returning to Jake. “I escaped the disease. But I feel so broken inside, Rita. And I think I’ve fallen in love with Jake, but he makes me feel . . .” She wished she could describe it. “The way he makes me feel terrifies me.”

“Why?”

“It feels, on some level, the same as when I was a child.”

“Like things are happening that you can’t control?”

“
Yes
.”

“Honey,” Rita said gently. “That’s just love. And life. There’s very little we control. That’s why having God as our foundation is so important. He’s unshakable.”

“But with Stephen it was different.”

“Why?”

Meridith sighed. “I don’t even miss him, exactly. I miss the security and steadiness of our relationship.” She forced herself to vocalize the thought that had circled her head for a month. “Maybe I didn’t love him.”

“Maybe he was just comfortable. Less scary than real love, huh?”

Meridith buried her face in her palm. “I’m an idiot.”

Rita touched her wrist. “You’re human. At least you ended the relationship before any real harm was done. That was a blessing from God, you know?”

“But how am I going to find real love if I’m afraid of how it makes me feel? I don’t want to spend my life alone.” Rita made having a family and a healthy marriage look so easy. “How do
you
do it?”

Rita tucked her shiny hair behind her ears. “One day at a time. It’s not always been easy, and I know what you mean when you say love is scary.” She sipped her coffee. “Lee is actually my second husband. I married young, and my first husband cheated on me and left within a year.”

“I didn’t know.”

“When Lee came along, I was pretty cautious. But then I found the Lord and learned to make Him my foundation. Just knowing He’ll never leave me, never betray me, is enough, you know? If everything around me fails, I have that.”

Meridith had heard many similar comments since she’d come to the island. Things she’d never heard in her St. Louis church. She didn’t have what Rita had. God wasn’t the foundation of her life; He was more like a historical figure she admired.

“I mean,” Rita went on. “I trust Lee, love him to death . . . but I know he’s fallible, just as I am. Christ is the only one who loves me perfectly, and that’s enough for me to hold on to, enough to hold me steady.”

Meridith wanted that too. She was only beginning to see how much God loved her. She wanted that love to be her foundation so that everything else held steady.

“He loves us so much. Look at how He’s blessed you with those kids. Your dad left them to
you
, Meridith. He knew leaving you was wrong, and I know he felt ashamed. Eva didn’t say much about it, but enough to make me aware that T. J. regretted the void he’d left you with. Thank God we have a heavenly Father who can fill all our voids.”

I want that, God. I want what Rita has—a real relationship with You. I want You to fill all my voids
. She remembered what the pastor said every Sunday about repentance.
I’m sorry for all the wrong I’ve done, for the way it’s stood between You and me
.

“What’s wrong?” Rita’s nose wrinkled, the freckles gathering. “I’ve only confused you, haven’t I?”

Meridith smiled for the first time that morning. “Actually, things are very right. You’ve helped me see some things—the difference between religion and faith, I think.”

Rita smiled. “Oh, wow. Really? All that blathering made sense?”

“It did to me. Thank you.”

“My pleasure, honey.”

“Now if I can just get a handle on this Jake thing.”

“Well, I don’t how to tell you this, but sometimes the thing you’re most afraid of is the thing you need most.”

Meridith pedaled toward Brant Point. The afternoon heat had burnt off the morning chill hours ago, and her legs ached from pedaling. But she wasn’t ready to go home. She still had so much thinking to do before she faced Jake.

When she reached the lighthouse, she dismounted and set the kickstand. The lighthouse stood like a solid sentinel guarding the harbor. It had withstood the tests of time and storms. As if some of that fortitude might rub off, she lowered herself at the structure’s base among the boulders, bracing her back against the weathered white shingles.

A few cumulus clouds had gathered, and one slid in front of the sun, darkening the landscape.

All the things she’d experienced since coming to the island had culminated in a kind of spiritual understanding that clarified things. Trusting wasn’t easy for her, and trusting God would be a daily challenge, but she saw now it was what she’d been missing. A crucial piece of the puzzle had slid into place.

But what did she do with these feelings for Jake?
Sometimes the thing you’re most afraid of is the thing you need most
. Rita’s words had haunted her all morning.

How could she fear the very thing she needed? And how could she surrender to something so terrifying?

One day at a time
. Her friend’s words had a way of surfacing at the most annoying times.

Would the fear ever leave? Maybe if she came to trust Jake and found him reliable. Maybe if she saw that the unsettled feeling he triggered could lead to something good. The kiss had been good; she couldn’t deny that. Very good.

The clouds shifted, and Meridith squinted against the glare on the water.
God, I don’t know what to do. Show me the way and give me the courage to do what I should
.

The wind blew across the sound, fanning her face with a cool breath. Could she face her fear and let her love for Jake bloom? What about their future? She had no doubt he’d be a great father for the children, but she was selling the house. Was he willing to leave Nantucket?

One day at a time
. Maybe it wasn’t such bad advice. Despite what she’d learned in childhood, change could be good, right? If she could just let loose and let it happen. The thought sent a tremor of fear through her.

She’d learned early to hold on tightly, to control her surroundings, her feelings. But control didn’t buy safety. She couldn’t even control her feelings, much less anything else. Control was a false foundation that crumbled and left her vulnerable.

She didn’t need to control. She needed to let go and trust God, and it was hard. But He was her new foundation. She pictured it beneath her, solid and unwavering. It would be okay.

Meridith checked her watch and saw it was nearing time for the children’s return. She stood, dusting the sand from her jeans, then hopped back on her bike and pedaled toward the house.

Forty

Meridith stayed busy all week waxing the wood floors and finishing the scrapbooks in her spare time. The Goldmans had returned their signed papers with a down payment, and the sale was a done deal. The closing was in thirty days.

She should’ve been relieved. Not only was the house sold, but it was going to a nice couple who appreciated its history. Instead, though, she felt only trepidation about telling the children. About leaving Jake. She found herself praying a lot, feeling lost, and praying anyway. She’d have to tell them soon. Next week, before the end of school, so they could say good-bye to their friends and have almost a month to adjust to the idea.

She’d expected Jake to pressure her, but he’d surprised her. He was nothing more than friendly, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Sometimes she caught him staring with longing in his eyes, but as soon as she caught his eye, he looked away. If not for those moments, she might’ve thought she had imagined the kiss and his declaration of love.

On Wednesday as she was making dinner, she saw movement on the beach. She set the casserole on the stovetop to cool and walked to the window. Jake was out there. She could only see him from the shoulder up because of the grassy slope. He bent over, disappeared, then stood.

The wind tousled his hair, and he shook it from his face. He was talking to someone, she could see his lips moving, but she saw no one else. Strange.

“I’m done,” Ben said, entering the kitchen. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing,” she said, but Ben was already beside her.

“He still working with Piper?”

“Working with her?”

Ben shrugged. “Trying to get her to walk on the beach, you know. Can I watch TV now?”

“Dinner’s ready. Can you call Max and Noelle?” Meridith slid on the oven mitts and grabbed the casserole.

“Max! Noelle!”

Meridith gave Ben a look. “I meant go get them.”

“Oh.” Ben shrugged and lopped off toward the dining room.

Ten minutes later they were at the table, the kids scarfing down dinner and complaining about school.

“There’s only a week and half more,” Meridith said.

“A week and half too much,” Max said.

“I hate school.” Ben blew on a bite of the casserole before shoving it in his mouth.

“Hard part’s over,” Jake said. “Man up.”

“I’m only seven!”

Meridith smothered a grin.

“And I’m not a man,” Noelle said.

“Duly noted,” Jake said.

Outside the window, Piper barked.

“Probably has a squirrel treed again,” Max said. “You’d think they’d figure out that Piper won’t leave the yard and build their nests next door.”