Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (17 page)

Whew! You made it. You made it through all the trials and tribulations of pregnancy. Now what? Well, first, go get your car out of the parking garage. It’s time to go home. Make sure for the 103rd time that the car seat is installed properly, and head out.

Your time to stay with your BMP and Baby will, with luck, last for a few weeks, allowing you to bond with your child and have a transition period before returning to work. This will give you some experience in the life of your child. You can learn how to change diapers, maybe give the baby a bottle, and most importantly, rock her back to sleep in the middle of the night while you’re only half awake yourself. Your skill set will definitely be expanding, although these skills will not show up on your resume.

That nursery you worked so hard on together will finally have a resident. All the purchases and gifts you had momentarily forgotten about will be put to the test. Soon you’ll learn how to perform many tasks one-handed, as there is usually a baby in the other hand. You will also reconsider the importance of sleep in your life, as the baby will need to adjust to a set schedule. All of the changes we’ve helped prepare you for are now very real.

You made it! You’re now the proud owner of a brand-new baby. And it’s a trying time, to be sure. After you’ve stayed at the hospital for your insurance company vultures' approved two or three nights, it’s time to go home. The postpartum area of the hospital is a halfway house for the mentally insane. You get a few days in an artificially controlled environment to ease into your new life. For new parents, these artificial controls include the ability to send the baby to the nursery while you grab some much-needed sleep; trained personnel available around the clock at the push of a button; and cable TV. For new parents, coming home is the next step into the madness that is society at large, where you lose the doctors and nursery, but possibly have family and doctor-prescribed Percocet to keep you relaxed.

As the daddy, you witnessed with squinched-tight eyes as your baby came into the world. Even if you closed your eyes all the way, simply hearing the screams and imagining passing a human out of your body will lead you to logically conclude that the new mother might not be feeling too well.

With that in mind, it’s your job to screen the visitation privileges of both friends and family, based on your BMP’s tolerance for them. You may secretly relish the opportunity to tell her disapproving parents that, sorry, they just can’t come over today. The newest mom on the block will have some residual pain, and the house might not be presentable, and the two of you might not be presentable, but nobody cares, they just want to see the baby. Don’t be afraid to screen your phone calls or turn off the ringer. A sleeping baby will become a very valuable thing in your life. We’ll get to this more in the “Visitation Policy” section below.

Your other job during this time is to try to introduce your child to some kind of reasonable schedule. Babies tend to be happier and easier to wrestle when they maintain a regular eating and sleeping schedule. But brand-new babies may not care what your schedule is, so you have to train them. The sooner they adapt the better.

You may be introducing the family pet to your new child. This can be easy or quite tricky. Some pets may consider themselves the family baby and become jealous. Others may see themselves as protectors of the baby. And most cats could simply not care less. Consult your vet for the best methods to use when you’re integrating your new family member.

Your new family member is going to do his best to test the limits of your sleep deprivation, as well as your tolerance limits for certain scents. Because you’ll be pouring your heart and soul into your efforts, you might as well love the person you’re doing it all for. For some, it can seem as if there’s no bond at first. Don’t panic: it will come with time. Others hit it from the jump and are head over heels from the minute they see their baby. Here are a few tips on bonding with your new child:

• For boys:
  This one is easy. What says “bonding” like beers and wings at the local Hooters? Unfortunately, you are about twenty-one years too early with this plan.
  
• For girls:
  This one is a no-brainer as well. Just give them your credit card and point them to the nearest mall. Just as unfortunate: they will probably chew on it, and you’ll get in trouble for giving the baby a dangerous toy.
  

So what do you do? The answer is different for everyone. Letting the little one lie on you and nap is always a crowd-pleaser. Playing and feeding (often intersecting with one another) can be fun — if messy — activities. Take her for stroller walks and to movies. Simply incorporating her into your lives a little at a time is all it usually takes — that and the guilt and fear of knowing that you can screw up this kid all by yourself. Parenting is such a difficult job that it’s best tackled by two people, or at least one extraordinary individual. If you stay at it, you’ll feel connected soon enough. But, until then, go ahead and take at least one activity and make it your time with Junior. Maybe you’re the almighty bath giver. Perhaps you make watching football on Sundays your time with your child (but be prepared to miss a good bit of the game). The old-school “let Mom do everything” is all but gone, and you need to get some baby skills. Even if you start small, you and your child can start bonding, and you can progress from “the guy who gives me baths” to “Daddy.”

After the initial rush is over, your life begins to change rapidly. Most studies focus on Mom’s postpartum depression, but remember, guys, we can fall prey as well. Just remember the signs for you and your BMP, and seek help accordingly. Some of the most common ones include feeling overly sad, having no energy, overeating or undereating, feeling no connection to your child, and, the most serious sign of all, telling your friends that you’ve lost your mojo. Make no mistake: this is a life event that will change you. You may have had certain hobbies or activities that were once tolerated by your BMP, but once a baby is on the scene, they’ll be discarded faster than a girlfriend who brought an extra 100 pounds back with her from her summer vacation in Europe.

This is a tough question. Let’s review the situation:

You’re at a point at which you’re expanding your family from two people who care for and love one another to three people. This third person, whether because he’s a helpless infant or he’s just extremely lazy, cannot care for himself in any way, shape, or form. So that takes time and effort away from you and your woman. You and your partner can’t pour as much energy and effort into loving one another as you used to. In addition to time and effort, resources are expended to make sure that Junior has every advantage possible. With this reallocation of effort and resources, certain things become unrealistic for the two of you as a couple. Maybe your thing was to plan last-second getaways. Maybe you visited your university annually to catch up with old friends. Many of these activities become problematic. The logistics grow more difficult: you’ll suddenly need a grandparent or two to agree to come watch your child.

So the situation is that you have diminishing time, effort, and resources. Kids become the priority. What’s that old saying? “You think you know, but you have no idea.” This is one of those situations. Everything from meals to bedtimes to the type of car you drive will be affected. Your new boss wears a diaper and doesn’t have much in the way of hair, or fine motor skills, for that matter.

Do you know what’s the strangest thing about all of this? You’re going to love it. When I say you’ll love it, I don’t mean it’s a cut-to-the-front-of-the-line ride to eternal bliss. But I guarantee that unless you’re a distant relative of Burgermeister Meisterburger (this will make more sense when your child is around age two and it nears Christmas . . . thanks), you won’t be able to help but feel a swell of love and joy when you look at your child. It’s so unique, it doesn’t even fade over time. So while there can be an adjustment period that lasts for different people from between one minute to one lifetime, you can have a special relationship with your child that stays strong and vibrant.

Now we’ve all looked up and realized that we’re holding hands and singing. Boy, this is awkward. While we recover, let’s get back to your pole position. By “pole position,” I’m speaking of the family totem pole. You know what I’m going to say, don’t you? No, you really don’t. You thought I was going to say everything you want, all of your interests, are going to come in dead last. But this is a common misconception. To quote Vince Vaughn in
Swingers
, you are all “growns up.”

You (should) have a job, and at any time, you can move your priorities to the front of the line. The twist here is that you and your BMP
volunteer
together to put the interests of your children before your own. That doesn’t mean that the two of you can’t arrange responsible supervision for the kids and sneak off to Pigeon Forge for some hanky-panky in a Champagne glass — shaped hot tub. It doesn’t mean there won’t be times when you’ll want a two-seater convertible. Doesn’t mean you won’t struggle with it and mess up sometimes. But by doing this as a team, a unique team that likes to explore each other’s bodies, you can make this work.
That’s
where you fit in.

After giving birth, depending on what exactly happened in that delivery room (please don’t make me remember), Mom is not going to be looking for every friend, family member, or nosy neighbor who has baby fever to come parading into your home and put their grubby hands on Junior. She may not be feeling like herself, and sleeping will be a priority for both of you. To further lower your tolerance for the parade of well-wishers stomping through your house, just imagine your reaction as your mother-in-law’s friend proceeds to tell you how sick she’s been feeling as she holds on to your little bundle of joy. Babies' immune systems are not fully developed, and they are apt to catch any illness they come into contact with. So between your woman’s feeling not quite right and your child’s being in a slightly fragile state, you feel a strong urge to disconnect your doorbell and post signs like “KEEP OUT” and “BEWARE OF DOG” and be done with the entire situation.

It’s okay to make the people who want to come bearing gifts wait a few extra days. If there are persistent “helpers” whose mission in life seems to be to annoy you until they get to help and feel better about themselves as people, let them. In fact, if they fit this bill, size them up. Where do you think their strengths and talents lie? Asking the busybody neighbor to prepare a dinner is a common practice. Having any nonrelative get your oil changed or run errands for you is probably going to the extreme. However, going to this extreme and making it painful may mean that they never stop by again, so you may want to give it a try. This may take the form of telling them the coffee they picked up for you was prepared incorrectly, or asking them to go back to the restaurant because something wasn’t cooked just right. This should hold them at bay for a while, even if your reputation suffers in the 'hood.

But there might be a select few whom you
do
want to come for a visit, assuming they’re in good health and didn’t forget to wash their hands after their Swingers Club road cleanup that was held this morning. This is where you come in. Now it’s your turn to act like one of those bouncers at the swanky clubs. Put a velvet rope across the front door. Hit the gym seven days a week, shave your head, and forget how to smile. Heck, wear a fake CIA earpiece if you really want to get into your role. Now you’re ready to effectively monitor the riff-raff who are hoping to gain access to your exclusive club.

Consult with your BMP to establish the hours of operation, and how many guests are allowed through the rope at any given time. This strategy will help you accomplish a couple of goals while keeping you in observance of the fire code. It will keep your child from being overexposed to anyone who may be sick, and will also allow you to keep control of your schedule. You’ll learn that being on a consistent schedule is one thing that keeps a baby happy and healthy. Also, you can pick up some points with the new mom for handling the traffic flow and looking out for her and the baby. One caveat though: not everyone will be thrilled or even respectful of you for turning them away from Club Baby. Just be prepared for an aunt or neighbor to be offended when you tell them the baby is sleeping and no, you will not awaken her just for their viewing pleasure.

We’re going to kill a little of the drama here: experts agree that breastmilk wins, hands down. Breastmilk contains living white blood cells, as well as digestive enzymes. Your baby can get an immune-system boost from breastmilk too. Formulas simply cannot match this unique natural blend, no matter what the commercials say.