Dumping Billy (17 page)

“I beg your pardon, Dr. Jameson,” Elliot said, “but you forget that I am a professional in my field, and this data is astonishing.” He touched the charts for emphasis. “And I’m dealing with adults who have free will. Bina doesn’t have to listen to me. She is not a captive audience.”

Kate did not like the implication; her kids were not captive, but maybe she was being a little unfair to Elliot. Maybe he was only trying to be helpful, even if it ended in heartbreak.

“Just take a look, Kate,” Elliot coaxed.

Kate picked up the first chart. She had no idea if what she saw there was true or not, but if it was accurate, it was fascinating. She looked at the other carefully constructed models, then sighed. Elliot had put in a lot of work, and it was impressive, but she was not going to budge from her veto. Elliot was smart. He knew Bina and the others would be gaping and amazed by the brightly colored charts and graphs, just the way tourists in Times Square were stunned by the lights and ads. But tourists didn’t change their lives based on a huge Pepsi ad.

“Kate, it really can’t hurt. At the very least, it’s a distraction for Bina, and that’s what she needs right now. She can’t keep herself in her father’s office and wait for something to change.”

Kate thought of the three or four long messages from Bina on her answering machine each night when she got home. “Okay,” she said, “but I want you to play this down, not up. It may be Fun with Math for you, but it’s Bina’s life. Anyway, even if all of this crazy nonsense is true, a troublemaker like Billy Nolan would never be interested in dating someone as ordinary as Bina Horowitz. So don’t get her hopes up.”

Elliot nodded vehemently. “No hopes up,” he said.

Brice came back out of the kitchen carrying two bottles of white wine. He put one down and popped the cork on the other. “Bottoms up,” he said, pouring a glass and handing it to Kate. Just then the buzzer rang. “I’ll get it,” Brice sang as he strode over to the door and opened it. “Hello, ladies!” he greeted the group.

And there they were, in all their splendor, the Bitches of Bushwick. Barbie came first, wearing a bright pink halter top with a leather jacket over it. She was followed by a nervous but hopeful-looking Bina. Next came Bev and her belly, and then in walked Bunny, who had returned from her honeymoon and had the tan to prove it.

“Hi. You’re Bunny the bride,” Brice said. “I’m Brice, and that stud muffin over there is Elliot.” The girls giggled, except for Bunny, who actually blushed. Without the “breaking in” that had happened at table nine, Kate could see that the adventure wasn’t comfortable for her. She had grown up in a strict Italian Catholic home where, Kate was sure, homosexuality was synonymous with sin, perversion, and the molestation of little boys. Brice, sensing her hesitancy but never one for subtleties, threw his arm around Bunny’s shoulders. “We didn’t have a chance to talk at your wedding. But it was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful!”

He couldn’t have said anything better. “Wait till you see the video!” Bunny exclaimed, suddenly ready to bond.

Kate winced. The ordeal of watching that video might be worse than going to the event itself, but Brice was all enthusiasm. “Oh, you
have
to show us. And what a dress!”

“Size six,” Bunny said proudly. “Priscilla of Boston.”

“I knew it!”

“She got lucky,” Barbie told him. “It was a special order, but the bride was pregnant and didn’t tell. By the time the dress arrived, well, you can imagine.”

“I got it at cost,” Bunny told Brice.

The attention seemed to relax her. Soon they were all standing around the buffet, filling their plates and—with the exception of Bev—drinking wine. Kate looked around at them covertly. Bev’s belly looked as if it had doubled in size since the wedding. Kate tried to avoid staring at it in horror, although she couldn’t escape a twinge of jealousy as she felt her own flat stomach.

Elliot, too, was caught by Bev’s very apparent expansion. “Wow,” he said to her. “Are you going to go into labor right here, or are you carrying twins?”

“I know, I’m huge and I’ve got months to go.” Bev looked down at her belly and shrugged.

“Remember after graduation how you dieted all summer and were a size four by September?” Bunny asked. She was the group’s weight historian and could tell any one of them what they had weighed at any event or moment since they’d met.

“I’m trying to cut back on eating so much,” Bev explained to Elliot. “I think I’ve gained about forty pounds.” Despite the confession, she piled her plate with Nova, cream cheese, a poppy
and
a sesame bagel, and, with a final guilty flourish, some herring in cream sauce. “Unless I give birth to a thirty-five-pound baby, I’m gonna be in big trouble,” she said, and laughed.

“Do you want a girl or a boy?” Elliot asked her.

“Doesn’t matter,” Bev said, waddling to the sofa from the buffet, Bina and Bunny right behind her. “Johnny says he just wants it healthy.”

“He’ll get healthy when he sees your ass after the baby is born,” Barbie said, snickering.

Kate never stopped being astonished by the way the women passed over cruel taunts without a ruffled hair. She watched as they sat down and checked out the apartment around them as if they’d just stepped into a den of unimaginable iniquity. It was a big adventure for four girls from Bushwick to finally see the inside of a homosexual couple’s apartment—even Bina hadn’t really had a chance to look around the last time she was there. Kate could only imagine what they thought they were going to find. And she wasn’t going to point out that Bunny’s uncle Tony and Barbie’s youngest brother were most certainly gay but hadn’t come out. Anyway, it must have been reassuring to see that there was nothing terrifying or exotic about Elliot’s home—thanks to Brice, it was all done in stylish taste (though the Beanie Babies were a little camp). The situation made Kate smile. She knew how frightening good taste could be to someone from Bushwick.

They all sat on various perches like colorful birds with big mouths. Toucans, maybe, Kate thought. Despite their provincialism (and some morbid curiosity), it was really moving to see that all the girls had shown up for Bina. Kate loved them for that.

Barbie, of course, was the most brazen. She looked around as if she were assessing everything. “How much does a place like this cost in Manhattan?” she needed to know.

“It’s a steal,” Brice obliged willingly. “It’s stabilized. We’re still paying only eighteen a month.”

“Eighteen dollars a month for rent?” Bina asked in utter amazement. “My grandmother’s apartment on Ocean Parkway is rent-controlled, but she pays sixty-six bucks a month.”

The better-informed Bunny was not as confused. “Jeez,” she spat in disgust, “for eighteen hundred dollars a month, you’d get three bedrooms and a balcony in Brooklyn.”

“Honey,” Brice replied, “call me crazy, but I’d rather have a closet in Manhattan than a palazzo in Prospect Park.”

“I thought you guys were all out of the closet,” Barbie said, grinning and obviously pleased with herself.

“Sweetie, some of us were never in it,” Brice said. There was silence for a moment.

Almost desperately, Kate spoke first. “Well, isn’t this nice?” she chirped, turning to Elliot as if to say “I told you so.” “Finally, all of my girlfriends together in one room.”

Bina let out a rather nervous giggle in response, but Bev just agreed. “You have a lot of girlfriends, Kate. But then you’re a Scorpio. Scorpio women always have lots of girlfriends.”

“And lots of boyfriends,” Elliot added sotto voce.

“So you have some plan to kill Jack the scumbag?” Barbie asked.

“Not exactly,” Elliot told her. He put down his fork, stood up, and self-consciously stepped next to the easel. He looked first to Bina and then back to Kate. He placed one hand on the first chart, turned it over so they could all see it, and said, “As Bina knows, I made an incredible mathematical discovery while we were at Bunny’s wedding.”

“Like what?” asked Bev.

“Probability,” Elliot said. “Some events can be predicted because of constancy and reliability of past data.”

“Huh!” Bina said. Kate suppressed a giggle. Poor Elliot.

“This helps us take down Jack the scumbag?” Barbie asked.

“Hey, what good would that do anyone?” Elliot asked. “What if I told you that instead of revenge, I’ve found a surefire way to get Jack to propose to Bina?” he asked the room. “And marry her.”

Bina dropped her coffee spoon, Bev choked on a mouthful of bagel, and Barbie and Bunny began to murmur together appreciatively. Only Kate let out a snort of derision. “Elliot!” she warned. Then she turned to Bina. “Remember, this is just a theory, a suggestion, Bina. It may not be correct. You don’t have to pay any attention to it. Personally, I think it’s a lot of hocus-pocus.”

Elliot looked down at her from his full height. “Kate,” he said, “I think we all know your views on magic. So it’s a good thing this has nothing to do with it. This is mathematical theory put into practice.”

“What’s wrong with you, Katie?” Bev asked. “Such a spoilsport.”

“What are you actually talking about?” Barbie asked.

Elliot nodded and pointed to the chart and said, “These statistics are . . . well, they are just incredible. But they are absolutely accurate. I’ve done a bit of research and worked out the probability, and you’ll see that even with a differential for the—”

“Is he a college teacher or something?” Bina whispered to Kate.

Kate snorted. “He’s an obsessive neurotic gone compulsive.”

“I know. Isn’t he wonderful?” said Brice, placing his hand over his heart.

Elliot was in his teaching mode and ignored them both. “Remember how Bev and Barbie both said that they had once dated that Billy guy who had just dumped Bunny?” He turned to her. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Bunny said. “When I dated him I was a size four—and weighed one hundred and sixteen pounds. My personal best.”

“Well, we both got dumped by him, too,” Bev added.

“Which was just fine with me,” Barbie assured everyone. “The guy’s a jerk.”

“That’s right,” Elliot said, nodding to Barbie, “and right after that you met Bobby and got married.”

“Well, it wasn’t right after. It was at least three weeks.” Barbie paused, then added, “And Bev got married to Johnny right after she got dumped.”

“My Johnny and I had our moons in Venus. It was fated,” Bev observed. No one paid any attention to her.

“So at the wedding, Elliot . . . well, began to snoop,” Brice explained.

“I collected data,” Elliot corrected Brice with dignity.

“Did I tell you about Gina Morelli and Nancy Limbacher, Elliot?” Bev asked, already eager to be part of the plan. “Billy dated and dumped them, too.”

“I found that out on my own. Both of them married right after Billy Nolan. They were at Bunny’s wedding.”

“Sure. I worked with Gina, and Nancy is best friends with my cousin Marie,” Bunny said.

“Marie Genetti?” Elliot asked. “Billy dated her, too.”

“He dated Marie? You’re kidding. She never told me!” Bunny exclaimed.

“So now we know that Billy Nolan has dated and dumped every woman from here to Albany. Who cares?” Kate spat out angrily. She thought of him charming her on the terrace. And to think that she’d been attracted to an idiot like him.

“Bina should, and as her friend, so should you,” Elliot told her. “I did some digging, and I made some calls. Everyone this guy drops gets married.”

“How did you find that out?” Barbie asked. Kate smiled. As the professional gossip of the group, she must be feeling a bit defensive.

“He pretended he was doing an article for
Jane
magazine,” Brice told her proudly.

“You’re a regular Columbo,” Bev said admiringly.

Elliot laughed and acknowledged Bev’s compliment with a slight bow. Then he turned back to his first chart. “Look at this,” he said, pointing. “All five of these women dated William Nolan.” On the chart were the names of each woman and the date, time, and place of their first encounter with Billy Nolan. “Now here,” he said, flying to the next chart, “is a time line that follows the period of each relationship. Please note that where Billy drops out there is a segment of between three point two weeks and four point seven months before each woman marries.” The room was silent. Even Kate was momentarily impressed.

“Was the bastard going out with Gina Morelli the same time he was dating me?” Bunny asked.

“From the data I’ve collected, he only goes out with one woman at a time. Anyway, that doesn’t matter,” Elliot said. “The point is”—he indicated the first chart—“soon after each woman got dumped by Mr. Nolan, each met or returned to another man—and sometimes, as in Bunny’s case, she was introduced to that man by Billy himself. In all cases, that very next man was the one they married.” He stopped and looked at Kate and the Bitches with a broad smile, as if his message were perfectly clear.

“Wow, congratulations, Elliot—it’s quite an achievement,” Bev said, more serious than was necessary.

“Right. Now you qualify as the biggest gossip in all five boroughs,” Kate said coldly.

“Yeah. What’s the big deal?” Bunny asked. “We all know that Billy Nolan is the biggest player that has ever lived.”

“But you didn’t know this,” Elliot said, and flipped over a third chart. On it was a row of fourteen names with a column listing the time each had dated Billy and another column with wedding dates beside each name—except two. “It isn’t
most
of the women Billy Nolan dates. It’s
all
of the women Billy Nolan dates.”

The women examined the list.

“Don’t you get it?” Elliot asked. “Do you know the statistical likelihood of this phenomenon?” He flipped to his next chart. “I’ve worked it out with and without the standard deviation, the probability ranges from one in six million three hundred and forty-seven to one in eighty-two million six hundred and forty-three.”

Kate wondered about the two out of the fourteen but figured she’d get her chance to debunk all this later.

“I don’t get it,” Bunny admitted. “I don’t think even Billy Nolan could date and dump eighty-two million women. It’s just not humanly possible. Are there even that many women in New York?”