Dust (9 page)

I took another drink.

"Good. Now when you get that one down, you can come with me to order the next one."

"Um, I can get her another drink when she's ready," Killian said casually.

"That's sweet of you, Killian, but Dex is behind the bar and saw us come in." She looked at me and wagged her eyebrows. "He wants to meet you. That drink was on him." She pointed to the glass in my hand, and I gaped at her.

"I don't know. I mean—
ow!
" A very pointy toe had just landed against my shin. I glared at Jewel and she threw the look right back at me. "Bitch," I muttered.

"So drink up," Jewel said and picked up her own drink to swig.

Killian crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the seat. When he did, his leg brushed against mine...and stayed there.

"Let me get this straight. You're turning my night out with friends into a night to pick up guys?" he asked Jewel.

I had to hand it to her, she looked miffed at the suggestion even though he'd been right. Or so Jewel believed. No way was I going to pick up a guy. The idea was so far beyond absurd that the word didn't even do the idea justice.

"Hey, you were the one who said Liv needed to get out more. I agree."

"I'm right here, you two." I took another drink of my beverage. My toes were already starting to tingle.

"But that doesn't mean she needs to be pawed by a bunch of strangers. Crowds make her uncomfortable," he barked, ignoring me.

I downed a big swallow.

"And this will help her get over that. You of all people know what guys are after at a bar on Saturday night. Why are you sugarcoating it for her?"

"Well, I'm out of my drink, Jewel," I said quickly to stop this discussion before it escalated. I scooted closer to Killian in hopes he'd get the idea to let me out.

He didn't. Or he did but didn't care. He looked down at me without budging, his blue eyes like ice. "If you want a drink, I'll come with you."

"Back off, Kill," Jewel snapped.

"I'll be fine," I whispered to him. "We'll be right back. You want something?"

His jaw worked as he stared at me, but finally he shut his eyes and sighed. "Sorry," he muttered and scooted out.

I stood up and looked at him. "Want a drink?"

He shook he head. "I still have my beer."

Right. I nodded and stepped away, Jewel quickly following until she caught up. "Oh my gosh, he's watching you like a hawk! I've never seen him act this way about a girl before. I think he's finally met his match in you. Keep playing hard to get; it's so working for you."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not playing anything." But the thought of him liking me like that made my tummy flip flop. I stepped up to the bar. The bartender smiled down at me and I glanced at his name tag. "Mike?" I thought Jewel had said his name was Dex?

"Yep, what can I get ya?"

"We'll have two daiquiris," Jewel said quickly. When he stepped away, she looked at me. "Dex is the blond one over there." I looked to where she pointed.

"Wow," I breathed. He was big like Killian, but where Kill had the body of the devil, this dude was like an angel from God.

"I know, right. I would so dip my nuggets in his awesome sauce."

I giggled at that mental image. "Whoa." My head felt a little light.

"You're already getting a buzz. Good. We just need to maintain it without getting you wasted." Her phone beeped and she looked down. "Gabe's parking now. He'll be inside in a minute."

When Mike brought our drinks over, Jewel paid for them and we made our way back to the booth where Killian still was.

Only now he was talking to a leggy model perched on the edge of the table. One hand was holding his beer and the other was on her knee. As we got closer, I realized why he was leaning back with his legs spread. The supermodel had kicked off her shoe and was running her foot along the inside of his leg toward his crotch.

Yeah, it really looked like he was carrying a torch for me.

"Are we interrupting anything?" I asked.

Without stopping her foot, she turned a little toward me and said, "Yes."

Killian took his hand off her leg and scooted out. He stood beside me and looked at the woman on the table. As if she got some mental command from him, she stood and pouted. Then she walked away.

He looked at me and gestured for me to sit. I slid onto the bench and forced myself not to fold my arms across my chest. Or stomp my foot. After he sat back down, I looked at him. "Friend of yours?" I asked with exaggerated sweetness.

"You could say that." He took a drink of his beer.

"Someone you've fucked?"

"You could say that."

"I did say that." I put my glass to my mouth and mumbled into my drink before sipping, "Sure do get around a lot."

He slammed his bottle down and I flinched. But surprisingly, I didn't care. He'd startled me, yes, but that was it. Maybe it was the alcohol loosening my normally timid existence. Or maybe I knew he wouldn't really hurt me, no matter how ticked off he got.

"Well, Kill's in a pissy mood, I guess it's a regular Saturday night." I turned to the side and watched as Gabe slid in beside Jewel who'd sat quietly during mine and Killian's little exchange.

Killian stiffened beside me, his knuckles whitening as he tightened his grip on his beer. "Gabe."

I looked at the man of stone beside me, but he was looking between Jewel and Gabe. I'd warned him about Gabe showing up when we were texting each other yesterday, but because of their history I doubt he'd ever be comfortable around his former best friend. He picked up the bottle he had a death grip on and downed it in two large guzzles.

"Hi, darlin'," Gabe murmured as he leaned in and kissed Jewel.

The air was suddenly gone. I smelled stinky alcohol breath and heard only that voice, "C'mon, darlin', spread them pretty little legs..." I slapped my hands over my ears and shook my head. I felt strong arms pushing me down onto the concrete basement floor.

But then I was lifted, turned. The hands rubbing on me were gentle, not rough with sick anticipation.

"Firecracker." That one word in my ear settled my galloping heart. I realized now I was sitting on Killian's lap, and I'd been struggling to break free from him, but I immediately relaxed against his warmth. "That's it. Just breathe for me, baby. It's okay."

I wasn't sure how long I stayed there with my eyes shut, but eventually I opened them and looked up into Killian's eyes. I glanced across the table but Gabe and Jewel were gone. "Where—"

"Jewel went to get you some water, and he went with her."

God, how embarrassing. I hated that
that
word was such a bad trigger for me. "I'm sorry I freaked out. He said—"

"Shhh." He put a finger over my lips and shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I know exactly what he said and told him to never say it again."

I blinked a few times, feeling the tears coming. I never cried. Not in years. And I wasn't going to start again now. "I think I've had enough fun for one night." I just needed to get away, seek comfort in my room. Funny, small places were never my sanctuary. Not since I'd been trapped in that damn basement all those years ago. But I needed the familiarity of my room now, a small place that was mine, safe.

"C'mon, I'll take you home." He lifted me off his lap as if I weighed nothing and stood beside me.

"I can't leave without telling Jewel."

"I'll text her on the way out." He put his hand on the lower part of my back and nudged me forward. He used his free hand to send the message to Jewel. I liked having him walking beside me. I felt secure. Protected.

Not that I liked admitting that to myself. I didn't want to rely on a man for anything, much less protection. But for right now I wouldn't fight it. I just wanted him beside me without overanalyzing anything until I could get back to my room and crawl under the covers.

"She's worried about you and said she's coming home right now. I told her not to rush out on her date, that I'd stay with you until you were comfortable."

I think I nodded. I wasn't sure. I just felt numb. He guided me to his truck, opened the passenger door, and helped me in. Within seconds he was in the driver's seat and pulling out.

"My sister and I were kidnapped when we were little," I think I said. I wasn't really sure if I was talking or not. But when I felt his warm hand encase mine, I figured I had. "I don't trust men." I looked at him. "But I'm working on it."

He squeezed my hand gently. "You're strong enough to get through anything, firecracker."

I wasn't so sure about that. "Maybe one day I'll believe you."

He smiled at me. "I can wait for that day."

I wasn't really sure what he was saying, but regardless, I knew whatever he was waiting for would probably never come.

Just because I was coming out of my shell a little didn't mean my ghosts would ever be far enough me.

I
shut
the door and fired up the engine on my truck, leaving my last counseling session with Mr. Noble. After making the connection to my mother a couple of weeks ago, he'd felt the need to drive that point home over our last two appointments. I was still on the fence, but I had to admit I was more open to the idea I might not be all bad, because my mother wasn't—and I was my own person, as he pointed out relentlessly. It was still a hard sell, but that might never change. Of course, my own opinion didn’t really matter. It really came down to one person's beliefs. And it was who consumed more and more of my own thoughts as the days went by.

Liv.

But in the weeks since the bar incident, things had been a little awkward between us, and I was mainly to blame. I'd suggested the trip out of guilt, guilt I'd created by putting her off to get laid. It had been an asshole thing to do, even though I knew I wasn't in the wrong. It still made me feel like a dick when I thought about it. But if it were just my guilt I had to contend with, I could swallow it down and move on. I was used to life dealing me a shitty hand. But the ill-conceived plan had been disastrous beyond any personal motivation to assuage my conscience. Starting with her dressed as any man's wet dream and ending with Gabe unwittingly throwing her into a nightmare. It had ended miserably for her and had been a frightening wakeup call for me.

Seeing her that upset had damn near brought me to my knees. I'd felt helpless when all I wanted was to make everything right in her world. It was in that moment I knew I'd do anything for her. That I cared for her more than I should. Sure, I'd do just about anything for my friends, but she was different.

She was more.

Did I say frightening? I meant scary as shit. I needed time to process it all and just be there for her. I couldn't think of that woman as anything more than a very special friend. I was too damaged for anybody, especially someone who meant so much to me. But I wanted to be that important friend to her. I
needed
to be. Maybe it was so I could put aside my new feelings and just tend to her. Maybe not.

I'd taken her back to her room after she freaked out and had even told Jewel not to rush back, that I'd stay with her. Even though I couldn't begin to understand everything, I knew I needed that time with her to make sure she was okay, let the truth of my feelings settle in, and to come to terms with what had happened to her in her past. Not only had Jewel not listened to me when I'd told her I'd take care of Liv after leaving the bar, she'd beaten us back to the dorms.

So I'd let her take Liv by the arm and escort her in without me.

Then I'd gone home, my mind consumed with what I'd discovered about myselfand what I'd learned about her in the brief moment we had in my truck. I still couldn't believe it. I didn't have to only deal with my feelings for her, but also the knowledge of what she'd been through as a child. She'd been fucking kidnapped.

No wonder she didn't trust men. By default, I was enemy number one. From how she acted around crowds, I knew her experience had been more than being taken against her will and possibly trapped somewhere. She had to have been sexually assaulted, maybe even raped. The notion of that infuriated me beyond reasonable thoughts. It was a feeling I was still strongly battling. Since that night, I've had to fight the urge to lash out at the tiniest little thing. I did my best to hide it, but Mr. Noble had even picked up on my new aggression. He'd wanted me to continue our sessions after today. Fuck that. Talking to him had gotten easier, but it was still classified as torture. No way was I going to continue with that. When he accepted my stance on the unacceptable suggestion, he'd given me his cell number in case I needed to talk to him at any time. I appreciated the gesture, but he wasn't who I wanted to talk to.

I needed Liv.

It wasn't as if I hadn't spent time with her. We still sent text messages to each other throughout the days, met on Tuesdays for writing sessions, and saw each other before art class to go over her assignments. Truth be told, we'd spent more time together since that night than before it. But it didn't feel like enough. I had no idea why I felt this hole in my chest. I'd only felt emptiness like this once before—in the months following my mother's death. But Liv was still alive. Hell, she didn't even seem that affected by what had happened that night.

But things were different now, weird. Maybe only in my mind, but I wasn't sure how to set it straight.

I didn't know how to process what I was feeling for her. I'd only let a few people in. My mother was dead by my father's hand. I'd been betrayed by my childhood best friend. My grandma was gone. All I had left was my grandfather, and he was slipping away. I knew a day was coming when he wouldn't recognize me anymore. After a week of the nurse coming in daily, she'd told me he needed around-the-clock supervision. It was either put him in a home or hire a live-in. We now had a permanent houseguest. I hated that Granddad was at the point where he needed a live-in nurse, but having Leah there eased some of my burden with him, freed some of my time.

Now I was free to dwell on things I shouldn't.

Thoughts that were quickly banished.

My phone beeped and I grabbed it.
Liv
.

"Hey. Downloaded an art-house flick. Wanna come over?"

I chuckled despite myself. "U hate art films."

"Downloaded a crappy artsy-fartsy movie. I'm sure it's a bore. Interested?" Then she immediately sent, "That better?"

I had to stop myself from doing a U-turn and speeding over there. What the hell was wrong with me? Going to her room was a bad idea. But I was getting to know her pretty well. We'd talked music, movies, television shows...everything. She hated those types of indie movies, but she knew how much I loved them. She wanted me to come over, but why? Since the night at the bar, even though we interacted regularly, I hadn't made another attempt at seeing her outside her comfort-zone.

But that didn't mean I didn't want to. Deep down, I knew
that
was part of the reason why I hadn't brought it back up. No way did I want to turn her down, though. I replied, "K. I'll bring pizza. What kind does Jewel want?" I already knew Liv wanted anything with pineapple.

"She has a date."

So it was just going to be the two of us. Alone in her room. Definitely a bad idea. I licked my lips without conscious thought. But then I frowned, realization dawning. "U R bribing me to come over?" Rather than just wanting to hang out, or...I didn't let myself finish that thought. It didn't matter if she expected more. We couldn't go there.

"Guilty. Barbie might not be back tonight. Walls closing in."

She didn't want to be alone. My protective instincts flared, drowning out any desire to just be near her. Now I really had to fight the urge to go straight over. In fact, "I'll have the pizza delivered." No reason in stopping beforehand.

"I want pineapple. And don't put any gross anchovies on my half."

I rolled my eyes. When did she ever not want pineapple? For that matter, when did she ever actually eat half a pizza by herself? "Yeah, yeah. Be there in ten." I tossed my phone onto the seat and finally made that U-turn I'd been fighting to make since the offer was put on the table to come to her room.

Horns blared around me, but I paid them no attention. I'd told her I'd be there in ten minutes, and I damn sure was going to be.

I got there in eight.

After parking my truck, I called in a large pizza on my way up to her room. I took the stairs two at a time, not that I was paying attention. I knocked on her door while twirling my keys with my other hand, and I didn't care that I was fidgeting.

She pulled open the door. "Kill any pedestrians on the way over?" she asked deadpan.

I winked at her as I walked in. "They don't call me Kill for nothin', firecracker," I drawled.

Liv rolled her eyes as she turned and shut the door. She locked it and stepped closer to me. "I'll give you the tour." She pointed to the left. "Jewel's bed." Then the right. "My bed." She pointed straight ahead. "The TV. Any questions? I know that's a lot to take in."

"I think I got it."

"Okay," she said slowly. "But don't go getting lost in here."

Chuckling, I said, "Duly noted." I sat on the edge of her bed—because there was no couch and I wasn't stupid enough to sit on Jewel's—and smiled up at her. When she looked around the room, avoiding eye contact, I knew this still wasn't easy for her. It wasn't really a walk in the park for me either, but I was sure our discomfort was because of two completely different reasons. Mine was because I was attracted to her. Hers was because of her fucked-up past.

"So what movie did you get?" I asked as I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms over my chest. She grabbed the remote, glanced at Jewel's bed, and looked back at the spot beside me. I patted the mattress with a raised eyebrow. "C'mon, I know the rule about breaching your panties. Get your ass over here so I can start your torturous night of indie movie enlightenment."

She groaned and moved toward me. "I got
Suicide Seven
."

"Don't start crying now. Save your tears for when you get emotionally vested in the story. That one's a tearjerker."

"Okay, give me your man card. You so don't get to keep it after saying something like that." She playfully dodged when I pretended to swat her shoulder.

"Them's fightin' words, firecracker. Don't question my manhood."

"Then don't be a pussy."

"Ouch," I muttered through smiling lips and nudged her arm with my shoulder. She rolled her eyes and went to her movie downloads to start it.

But even with the playful banter I saw shadows under her eyes. She had so many layers that sometimes I wondered if I'd ever see them all. Lord knew I had them, too. I would never judge her on her past or present. But her slow, even breathing and dazed look screamed this was a different layer being exposed—or just new to me. I reached over and touched her knee, needing to know, to understand. To comfort. It was on instinct, but I didn't care. She flinched, but allowed the gesture. "What's wrong? Really?"

She looked up at me and I felt sucker punched. The emotion bleeding through her eyes was gut wrenching.

"Firecracker?" I whispered, needing to understand, to help. Regardless of our non-sexual relationship, she was the end-all, be-all in my world.

"Can we just not talk about it right now?"

Whatever she wanted, I'd give. Even if that left me wanting, wondering. Whatever she needed. "Sure," I said softly. "We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to."

She nodded and suddenly stood. "Want a beer? I'm getting one." She walked to the tiny fridge and opened it.

"Do you even have to ask?" I said, trying to lighten her mood.

She didn't say anything. Just got out two beers, opened them, and brought them both back to the bed. I took one from her as she sat.

"How bad is this movie going to suck?" she asked, her nose wrinkling.

I took another swig. "Lots of sad teens, thinking their lives are horrid. There's drugs, sex, and violence to cover up their pathetic existence."

"Hmm... that doesn't sound so bad," she said, scooting back and getting a little more settled.

I laughed. "Kidding. It's about seven different people and what led them to commit suicide."

"Gawd, depressing much?"

"Exactly."

She groaned. "Fine, let's get this party started." Once she clicked play and dropped the remote beside her, she eased a little closer to me. I had to fight the urge to put my arm around her.

Just for comfort, I told myself. I wanted to soothe whatever was bothering her.

Um, yeah, I knew that was only partly true.

"If I fall asleep, don't wake me up," she mumbled.

I glanced at her as the movie started and tipped my beer back for another drink. "You fall asleep, I'm putting toothpaste on your fingers and tickling your nose so you get it all over your face."

"Do that and die, Kill." She smiled to lessen the sting of the words, but her mirth wasn't necessary. I knew she was just playing. I winked at her and she rolled her eyes.

I could tease her all night...especially if it kept the darkness from creeping back into her gaze.

Once the movie started, our chatter stopped. I liked this movie, but it was hard for me to stay focused on it. I liked watching her more. She didn't seem too thrilled with what she'd selected to get me here tonight. She was a fan of the eye-roll. Oh, and smirks. She did those a few times, too. About thirty minutes into it, she reached for the remote. She was ready to throw in the towel.

"I need to pee," she said after pausing the movie.

"Oh, and here I was thinking you'd come up with something unique to end your misery."

"Ha!" She stood. "This sucks ass, but I'm more creative than that. Give me some credit." She took my empty bottle and dropped them both into the trash. She turned to go into the bathroom when a knock sounded on the door. She flinched, and I immediately stood.

"Must be the pizza. I'll get it. You go pee."

She nodded, but her eyes were haunted again. Rather than say anything else, I just nudged her in the direction of the bathroom as I passed her to reach the door, and it was enough to get her moving again. By the time I'd paid for the pizza, she'd returned. I grabbed some paper plates off the top of the microwave and dished up some slices for us. "You got any more beer?"

"Yeah." She got the drinks, and I took our plates back to where we'd been sitting on the bed. I took my drink from her before we sat. She didn't waste any time eating.

"Hungry?"

She shrugged, looking away. Something was obviously bothering her tonight. I hated not being able to help her. "What is it, firecracker?"

After several seconds, she finally looked at me. "Doesn't matter."

I raised an eyebrow. "If it matters to you, it matters to me. I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"You're already helping me," she whispered.

God, was that my heart racing? I swallowed on reflex and then took an actual drink of my beer. "Back at ya." Then a thought came to me. "If you won't tell me, we can just spend all night watching indie movies. There's a cable channel that shows nothing but—"