Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale (18 page)

He smiles reluctantly, and I’m not sure if he believes me. This conversation is once again going in the wrong direction. I decide to lighten the mood and turn the table on Holden, just as he had to me earlier, and shock myself by flipping my naked, thirty-something body on top of his and taking his hands in mine, pressing them over his head. An instant smile creeps up on the corner of his lips and his sad green eyes flicker back to life. “I want to try, Holden. I want to trust you and be with you again. It’s all I’ve ever really wanted, but it is just going to take me time to reverse all of the damage that’s been done. I do love you, Holden, and I want to know you love me. I want to hear you tell me you love me.” I lean down and kiss him deeply, hoping the truth would flow through my lips. I wiggle my naked body lower down on his so that he is pressed up against my opening. I whisper, “I want you to
show
me
how much you love me…just really…”—I rock my hips back and forth, rubbing against his growing manhood—“really slowly.”

“I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you, babe. I will make you know how much I fucking love you for the rest of our lives, and then, when we are sitting up in Heaven together, I will still spend eternity showing you that you are everything to me. You’re all I’ll ever need.”

M
uch to Holden’s dismay, I kept my word of wanting to take things slow between us. While that night of our first date turned into a lust-filled weekend with my dad actually leaving a note with food on the doorstep, the past few weeks have gone back to normal. Holden has been ridiculously busy fighting the injustices that seemed to be happening left and right after Hurricane Sandy, and I’ve taken on a more permanent position with the
New Yorker
, writing a weekly column. We’ve stayed focused on work and the girls during the week, but every other weekend is ours at the shore, and he definitely kept his word. When Holden and I are together on “our” weekends, it is like we are on a different planet, made only for the two of us. Each weekend there has been a different surprise waiting for me, and I have no idea how he manages to pull it off week after week. It is like he is designing each special moment we have with each other to show me how much he loves me and of how much he’s always loved me. The most touching and amazing night was when he took me to Point Pleasant boardwalk. It was one of our favorite places to go since we were kids, and was also our favorite place to make out when we were teenagers. Holden walked me out to the beach after a night of gorging on cheesesteaks and frozen custard. He led me, hand in hand, to our spot close to the water. It was a perfect night, with a full moon and thousands of stars reflecting across the gentle waves. He pulled out a towel he had stashed in his backpack and pulled me down onto his lap.

“We have to bring the girls here more often,” he said, kissing the top of my head.

I love that he is always thinking of Ellie and Sophie. Every time he mentions them, it is as if he is taking the threads of my torn heart and sewing them back together. I look up at him and smile. “Maybe they could skip this part.” I turn over on top of him and begin kissing his neck.

Holden laughs and guides my face to meet his. “They will definitely skip this part.” He pulls me back down and kisses me softly. It is a sweet kiss, but seems to be saying so much to me. He breathes in deeply, gripping my hair and making my heart feel as if it is going to burst. I know Holden loves me, but when he does things like this, it is as if he is attaching himself to my soul.

He rolls me to my side and wraps me tightly in his arms. “I love you so much, Cam. Being here with you like this makes it seem as if there is nothing else in the world that matters,” he says dreamily, stroking at my hair. “There’s so much I’ve wanted to say to you, but I don’t want you to push me away. I know you want things to move slow with us.”

I have to take things slowly because of the girls. It isn’t good for them to see me jump into a romantic relationship so quickly after my divorce from their dad. Marcus has promised to keep his relationship private for now, too, and Holden and I have done the same. When we are together with the girls, we keep our affections private.

I snuggle in against his chest and hold on to his broad chest tightly. “You can tell me anything.”

The Holden who I have come to know in private is quite different than his public persona. Holden has always been the tough alpha male, even as a child. But under that tough exterior is a sensitive, slightly broken soul like me. It is the part of him that I love most because it means that he is real. We all have our demons. It doesn’t make his tough exterior fake or manufactured; it just means that he is human. No one is perfect; no one is only strong and confident. He shows me that confidence is admitting and owning your flaws.

Holden pulls me in closer and takes in a deep breath. I can feel his heart pick up pace and know that whatever he is about to say made him nervous. And not much makes Holden Patrick nervous.

“Sometimes, when I think of my life, I wonder how I got to where I am.” He moves his hand so that he is stroking my hair. “Being with you, after all this time apart…seems surreal. Like a dream.” His voice is soft and ragged. “I get so pissed at myself sometimes, because I missed out on so much of what could have been for us if I hadn’t been such a scared, immature asshole.” He squeezes me tightly. “I should have married you. Ellie and Sophie should have been mine.”

I kiss his chest, not knowing what to say. I don’t know where he was going with this, and lay quietly, waiting for him to continue. I know Holden, and there is more he wants to say.

After a moment, he continues, “But I think that sometimes things happen for a reason. I think that the time we spent apart has only made me love you more. I want to prove to you that I deserve you now. I know I am a better man now, but only because I have you in my life again. You make me a better person. You make me whole. You and the girls have filled the broken pieces of my heart.”

“Holden,” I whisper and lean up, kissing his neck. His words are the raging fire to burn down the walls of my heart.

“It’s been months of going slow, but seems more like a lifetime. I want to be with you all the time. I want to be able to hold your hand everywhere we go. I want Sophie and Ellie to know how much I love their mom…how much I love them.” He suddenly sits up, pulling me up with him in his arms so that he is looking me square in my eyes. “I know it’s too soon to ask you to marry me, but I
will
make you my wife, mark my words. But you have to take down all the walls you keep putting up and let me in, Cam. I am not going to hurt you again. I am not going anywhere. Talk to Marcus and tell him that we are together, and you don’t want to hide it from the girls anymore. Hell, I’ll talk to him and tell him that I am going to be a permanent fixture, and not just Uncle Holden.”

I want all of this. I really do. I just don’t know if I can go through with this. I’m scared. I’m afraid to open the closed-off parts of my heart again. There has been a danger sign up around that part of my heart since it was destroyed years ago. But Holden seemed to be the only one to ignite the fire to burn down its walls.

“Holden, I want all of that too. But I need more time. So much has happened this year. So much has changed for both of us. I need to be sure that this is real. That once the novelty of being together again has worn off, that you’ll still be here.”

Hurt shoots across his face. “Cam, how I feel about you will never wear off. I mean it, never...” He takes my face in his hands, looking deep into my eyes. “Never. You are my family. I’ve loved you since I was an eight-year-old lovesick boy, too. I never, for one second, stopped loving you over all these years. You moved on with your life with Marcus, and you were happy. But now, you’re mine. And I’m never, ever going to let you go.” His lips crash against mine with fervor like he is claiming his prize.

“I’ll talk to Marcus,” I breathe out, defeated by his words through our kiss. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be his.

He pulls back and gives me the biggest smile I have ever seen. His eyes are sparkling with victory. “Mine,” he husks out possessively as he flips me over and hovers above me. “You’ll always be mine. Forever.” Holden’s body is pressed against mine as he devotedly claims every inch of me.

It’s been two weeks since Holden and I had that conversation and tonight is the night that Holden and I are going to tell the girls about
us
. We want them to know before the Fourth of July party at my dad’s so that Holden and I can enjoy the night together with the girls without any worries. Marcus reluctantly agreed to our decision after a long talk with Holden. He is no longer dating the slutty brunette, so a part of me knew that some of his reluctance is jealousy. The woman he left me for dumped his ass about a month ago, and now he was truly experiencing what it feels like to be alone. I can understand Marcus’s hesitation, though. It isn’t because he is worried Holden and I won’t work out and the girls would be hurt. I think it is that he knows Holden and I will work out, and that Holden will be playing a bigger role in all of our lives. I will probably feel the same way when the roles are reversed.

Holden and I decided to take the girls to the boardwalk to break the news, just as Holden had hoped the night he asked me to take this leap with him. We take the girls on rides and eat enough to sustain us for the next week. It is the perfect night. Holden and I spend the night snuggling with the girls, and enjoying the time together. It almost feels like we are a family, but I don’t want to go there yet. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to fully let go. But this is the first step for us.

After one last spin on the Tilt-A-Whirl, we walk the girls over to the steps that look out onto the ocean. Holden has Ellie perched up on his lap and is pointing out some constellation in the sky. She absentmindedly plays with the collar of his light pink buttoned-down shirt while trying to pretend that she can actually make out the puzzles in the sky. She isn’t wearing her glasses and is probably trying to hide the fact that all the stars are a blur in the sky in her usual efforts to impress Holden. He is shockingly gorgeous, even with his khaki shorts and sandals. His tanned skin makes his green eyes sparkle in the moonlight.

Holden looks over at me and smiles as he kisses the top of Ellie’s head. I snuggle Sophie closer and do the same, taking a deep breath and feeling more nervous than expected. It is as if Holden can feel my pulse begin to race, because he instantly scoots closer to me and wraps his arm around Sophie and me, instantly calming me. His touch always does in situations like this.

“Girls, I have something important that I want to talk to you about.” My throat tightens with each word.

Holden begins rubbing my back, giving me courage to go on. “You know that Mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore. We both love you very much, and I know you know that will never change.” Their age difference is obvious by their reactions. Ellie looks away solemnly and leans back against Holden. In contrast, Sophie is smiling, looking up at me as if this is all a bedtime story.

“I know you love us, Mommy. Daddy loves us too. I wish Daddy was always here, though,” Ellie says sadly, breaking my heart a little.

“Your dad always wants to be with you, too, Ellie. He always tells me that. But sometimes things have to change. The one thing that will never change is how much we both love you.” I look to Holden, and he gives me a loving smile and kisses my forehead. It is his first outward sign of affection towards me in front of the girls. Both of them instantly notice…and smile.

I continue hoping they will understand what I am really saying. I look right at Holden. “Your Uncle Holden and I both love you very much. But we also love each other, too.”

“I know that. Uncle Holden is our family and we love him bunches and bunches. Uncle Holden, you give the best hugs ever!” Sophie says, as if my statement is ridiculous. She pops out of my lap and into Holden’s arms, pushing Ellie out of the way.

Ellie begins shoving her sister back, begging for her spot back. Holden only laughs, scooping both girls into his arms and giving them the biggest hug ever. His face is beaming with love as they all giggle together. He looks over to me, nearly knocking me off my feet with his expression. It is that look again, the one that says so much, that it takes my breath away every time.

He pulls back and looks down at my girls. “You’re right, we are family. But that’s because I have known your mom since I was your age, Ellie. And, well, I don’t have any family left now that my parents are gone. Your grandpa and grandma kind of adopted me since I have no real family of my own.”

“Do you think your mommy and daddy are with Grammy in heaven?” Ellie asks with sadness in her eyes.

Holden brushes her hair out of her eyes. “I know they are. And they’re all looking down on us now. I am sure of it.”

She smiles broadly and looks up into the sky, blowing a kiss to the heavens.
I love that girl. I love that man.