Dying For A Chance (9 page)

            “I’m trying” my patience was paper thin. A few setbacks earlier in the week had meant that I’d have to work harder and I wasn’t really looking forward to it. I sluggishly pulled myself along.

            We were trying to walk along the balance beam style bars, the therapist was on one side telling me to push through the mental block and Nic was straight ahead promising that this would all be a distant memory soon. Suddenly my right leg slipped and my arms, tired from the whole week of exercise, gave out at the sudden weight and I toppled to the ground bumping my head on the bars on the way down. It was utterly tragic. That was my first breaking point. I had seen the other patients crying and thought that would never happen to me, well I was wrong. I laid there on the floor and sobbed like a child.

The physical therapist checked to make sure I was alright and then left to get a wheelchair for me to sit in. I heard Nic’s voice in soothing tones telling me that I was fine, that I had done such a great job and he was so proud of me. I heard him through my tears but it didn’t feel possible that I was doing well at all.

            I had probably been crying about more than just that particular fall. I’m sure Dr. Gannushkin would have said that I was crying to get out all sorts of emotions from the crash and the surgery. What is that old expression, “Speak of the devil and he shall appear”? 

~~~

              I was starting to feel really depressed about the therapy. It wasn't going as well as I had expected and I didn't expect it to go well to begin with. Nic tried to console me with some card games but it was no use. We were sitting across from each other at the couch and just finishing our fifth hand of Sheepshead when I heard him whistle.

            “Look at that.” he laid down a perfect hand, smiling for all the world like the afterlife's premier card shark.

            “That is it!” I yelled and tossed my cards onto the table. “How can you be so damned happy all the time....I mean, you're dead and you're still in a better mood than I am!”

            “I am aren't I,” Nic rocked back into his chair and smiled unrelentingly. “Well, it could have something to do with my stunning personality, you just can't keep that sort of thing down. Or, it could have something to do with the company I keep. You're a lot more fun than you let on.”

            I was about to give him a ration for being a liar when the door to my room popped open and in strode Dr. Gannushkin followed by Father Phillip. In mid sentence my jaw dropped and I looked down at the table, obviously set up for a card game for two. What would they think? They probably already thought I was nuts so there was no point in trying to cover it up. I decided to just go with it.

            “You want in on the next hand Father Phillip?” I gathered the cards and began to shuffle. My brain worked overtime trying to come up with a plan. I couldn't faint again, I'd already used that trick and they'd know it was fake if I tried it twice. No, this time I would have to try something more direct.

            “Are you here to exorcise my demons Father Phillip?” I did my best to sound light hearted but a tinge of bitterness crept in. He didn't seem to notice which was just as well. Nic hadn't moved from his place across from me, he stood his ground and with his chin tilted up he certainly looked much more confident than last time. Yeah, I was certain we would come out on top. But I didn't plan on Dr. Gannushkin.

            “Samantha, I apologize for the other day.” she slid on to the edge of my couch and tapped her spectacles back up onto her sloping nose. “That scene was absolutely regrettable and it's entirely my fault. You see, I did not warn you that Father Phillip would be joining us because I assumed you would be uninterested in his help.” the tilt to her head meant she felt I was still uninterested.

            “So, because of our unfortunate experience last week I feel that it's only right we should lay everything out on the table, so to speak.” she spread her hands as she spoke and indicated that we should all share in her new found sense of honesty and trust. I wasn't buying it.

            “Don't buy it, Sam” Nic's teeth gritted together and his arms were tense on his chair. “She's just trying to sweet talk us. Don't listen to her, tell her to leave.”

            I wasn't sure that I wanted to be rude. I didn't want for her to tell the nurses that I was getting surly or something. “What...what did you want?” I folded my arms across my chest, that was as harsh as I was willing to be at that moment.

            “You see, Father Philllip has a special skill. A skill that I believe will help you to move out of this particularly harmful phase of your recovery and begin to heal mentally. He learned his special skill from living in South America for the past 5 years, haven't you Father?” she looked to Father Phillip whose white teeth and golden skin confirm that he'd been living somewhere with a lot of sun. I tried to play innocent.

            “I'm not sure what sort of mental healing you think I need. I feel fine.” I grinned convincingly.

            “Samantha, it's good for all of us to be honest here, this is a safe place. I am going to say this out loud...I believe that you have been interacting with what you think is a spirit, a ghost.” she paused for confirmation.

            “What?” I opened my eyes as wide as they could go and threw up my hands in mock surprise. “You aren't serious. Is she serious?” I looked to Father Phillip

            “In my experience some of those who feel that they can see spirits are regular people who want a distraction from their worries and the traumas that they have been through.” Father Philllip adjusted his colorful scarf and swept around the room with his eyes. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be one of those people who were looking for distractions but it certainly sounded like that. I kept my composure.

            “Dr.,” I tried to sound like this was all too funny, that they shouldn’t bother another second with the thought. “I can’t believe you of all people, an educated woman, would believe in such nonsense. Ghosts and spirits and things. Frankly I’m shocked.”

            Dr. Gannushkin smiled inside her silver spectacles and adjusted her clipboard. “Ms. Tern, I have found through my very long career that it doesn’t matter one bit what I believe. It is entirely what YOU believe that matters here.” she patted my hand and I felt that she really was trying to do her job. She must have thought I was some severe nutcase who just needed to see this religious man do a little chanting and then my mind would fix itself. I wouldn’t see visions, talk to empty rooms or play card games with ghosts. I started to feel like I had her all wrong, she was just a woman trying to do her job. I started to cave.

            “I don’t think I can help you Dr. I really would if I could, please trust me, but this is fine. The way I am is just fine with me.” I hoped that would put an end to it, she would see that I was happy and just go.

            “There is something you should know,” the Dr. spoke quietly so Father Phillip couldn’t hear. “If I don’t sign your release form then you will have to spend some time with me at a facility where I help others who feel the same way you do. It’s a lovely place but I really don’t think that you need that kind of individual care.” I didn’t know what to do. She was clearly threatening to lock me up. I sat on the bed, quiet and contemplating.

            “Samantha,” I looked up at her and the setting sun lit through her spectacles so I couldn’t really make out her eyes. She looked honestly terrifying, why did I ever think she was just a woman doing her job? “This vision that you’re having. It can seem very real, I’m not denying that. Please consider this, if it’s telling you not to trust us then perhaps you have to consider that this vision is not looking out for your best interest. Let’s look at the facts, we...” she paused to indicate Father Phillip and herself, “are professional people who want only for you to lead a normal happy life. We have experience in these matters and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t trust us.”

            Suddenly her voice dropped even lower, “This vision on the other hand, what do you know of it. Has anyone else seen it, or heard it? How do you know that it is a good thing, especially if it’s telling you not to trust people who have come to help you.”

            I was confused. The things she said made sense, why shouldn’t I trust her? There was no logical reason not to. As I looked at my hands on the card table I couldn’t think of one reason why I thought she would be trying to do something bad for me. I looked up at Father Phillip and his demeanor seemed quirky but not malicious. There was no reason why I shouldn’t trust him as well. I couldn’t figure it out, I had no idea what to do. Dr. Gannushkin rose to join Father Phillip standing by my bed.

            A loud cough drew my attention. “Excuse me, but I think you people should leave now. You’re taking up what little is left of my tiny patience. I don’t usually run over old ladies and clergyman but today I’m making exceptions.” with that Nic flew straight into Dr. Gannushkin who did nothing but stand by the bed and stare at me. She didn’t even flinch. Nic made all kinds of ridiculous noises and flapping his arms like a goose sailed right though her. He kept on going and made it half way through Father Phillip when the man shuddered, took a step back and looked straight at Nic with a glare that clearly meant he had heard him.

            That was it. I drew back and sat up straight as I could. “You said no one else could hear my “vision”....you said it was absolutely all in my head because no one else could see him...” I was furious. I knew right then and there that Father Phillip had at least heard Nic the first time they visited. I pointed rudely to the door.

            “You should leave. The both of you.” without another argument they walked to the door. Dr. Gannushkin turned as she got there for one last parting comment.

            “Do remember what I said Samantha, without my signature the next place you’re going after therapy is into my facility”

            That night, I dreamed of her in that same judges cape and wig. This time her spectacles were shouting “Insane, insane....I’m going to lock you up.”

~~~

            The rest of the week my progress in therapy went slow. The plan had been to stay in the therapy wing for only 2 to 3 weeks and by the end of that time I was supposed to be well enough to continue the exercises on my own, outside of the hospital. Unfortunately I wasn’t progressing as quickly as they had hoped.

Each night Nic would massage my sore legs. His cold hands were fantastic remedy and his words of encouragement and support meant so much but my body just wasn’t keeping up.  I tried to tell Nic that it would be better if we just threw in the towel and admitted defeat. He was certain that if we just stuck to the routines they gave us then we would see progress soon. I enjoyed our time together so I didn’t say any more about leaving and took every opportunity to be closer to him.

“Ok, here’s another one,” I rolled over so I was leaning on the bed with one elbow and looking over my shoulder. Nic had his chair slid almost through the bed and was working on massaging my lower calves...one of my favorite moves. “You win a million dollars, the check comes in the mail, what do you do? Do you travel or spend it on cars and toys?”

“Travel, definitely.” he didn’t even look up from the work he was putting into my seriously sore calves. “I’m not a car guy, couldn’t tell a Mazda from a turnip. My dream was always to cycle around Ireland. I’d love to see the coast, the rolling green hills and drink a few Guinness in the pubs.”

“Are you sure they’d let you drink? I thought the legal age was older than that?” I ducked my head as a pillow sailed past and into the wall.

“Alright, you go then, same question. Travel or cars and toys?” I had to stop and think about it. When I added it all up there wasn’t anything I really wanted to buy and being with Nic was swiftly becoming the one thing I would give a million dollars to be able to do. I said the first thing that came to mind.

“Ireland, I guess. You make it sound so wonderful.” I shot him a playful smile. “Maybe we could meet up for a pint somewhere.” I said in my best fake Irish accent. He smiled back and returned to working out the knots in my legs. I fidgeted with the edge of the blanket and we both settled into a comfortable silence. Our game had turned sad. We knew that this couldn’t go on forever, our friendship was not bound to last.

“Sam?” I looked again back over my shoulder. Nic was lingering on my feet and it felt a little ticklish. He smiled that mischievous smile. “If we had met, on the street one day, totally random encounter...would you have...if I had asked you out, would you have said yes?”