Dylan (Bachelors of the Ridge #1) (19 page)

“
I
mean it
, Kat. I’ve got all day.”

She tilted her chin up, and the reddened eyes and blotchy cheeks really pissed me off. Soap in her eyes, my ass. The last thing a guy wanted when he woke up in a woman’s bed—a woman who’d given him her virginity the night before—was to find her having just cried her eyes out upon waking up.

“You think we have to talk our feelings out now?” Her eyes hardened, and it made me feel cold and panicky at how quickly she was capable of shutting down, shutting me out. “That’s not what this is, Dylan.”

I flung my arms out. “Tell me then. Tell me what this is to you.”

But she didn’t tell me. She showed me by whipping her dress off over her head and stalking toward me. Immediately I shook my head and backed up a step, even though my skin heated and my body reacted at the sight of her nakedness.

When I bumped into the wall behind me, she took full advantage, sliding her hands up my chest and grabbing the sides of my face. In my head, I knew that I should resist immediately, not let her do this, cheapen it this way. But when her mouth met mine in a ferocious, wet kiss, my arms wrapped around her back and lifted her so I could get her even closer. All I could feel was miles of her soft skin, all I could taste was the anger in her kiss. Anger and a steely resolve.

That’s what stopped me cold. As gently as I could manage, I set her away from me and pushed away from the wall to gain some distance.

“Don’t do this,” I said, not even able to look at her for fear that my determination would fly out the window.

“It is not my problem if you don’t like me holding up a mirror for you. We had an agreement, big guy, and I have no problem keeping it exactly the way we planned.”

“You say that, Kat,” I glanced over my shoulder at her, but not really looking, “but to try and cheapen it, to pretend like
sex
is all that’s between us is bullshit and it pisses me off.”

“
W
ell
, heaven forbid anything pisses you off. Do you even get mad? Or can we just add that to your list of perfect traits.”

“I’m going to ignore that, because you damn well know I’m not perfect. You’re looking for a fight and I’m not going to give you one right now.”

“Wanna bet?”

It was infantile, but I wanted to jam my fingers in my ears to drown out the steely edge to her voice, which I’d never heard before. “I cannot believe you’re doing this.”

“Doing
what
? That’s what this is between us, Dylan. That’s all this can
ever be
.”

I whipped around at the desperate tone in her voice. Besides anger, it was the most telling thing I’d heard out of her since I left the bedroom. Kat was clutching her dress against her chest, covering herself from me. But her face was panicked and wild. So I held my hands up like I was approaching a wild animal. And wasn’t I? She’d flee the second I made a wrong move.

“Why? Why can it only be this?” I asked carefully and quietly.

One tear hit her cheek and I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest if it would make her feel better. “I can’t
do
more than this. I can’t
handle it
.”

The sweet rush of clarity swept through me. Of course. It wasn’t that she didn’t
want
anything more, it wasn’t that at all. She’d never tried it, she had no idea whether she was capable of it. If she didn’t look so miserable, so on the edge of completely losing it, I would have been relieved.

“I can,” I reassured her, taking one small step closer to her. “And you will figure it out. We can handle it together.”

She shook her head so violently that my chest cracked wide-open for her, making me feel exposed in a way that I wouldn’t be shocked if I looked down and she would be able to see my veins and my throbbing heart, all calling her name as they pumped blood through me. So I opened my mouth and took the biggest risk I’d ever taken in my entire life. “I’m falling in love with you, Kat.”

Where she stood, Kat completely froze. Her eyes, shocked and wide in her face, were pinned on me. I couldn’t even tell if she was breathing. “No, you’re not.”

I took another step, the surety that I felt in my words firming up my feet and stiffening my spine. “I am falling in
love
with you.” Her chest started a rapid fall and rise, the material of her dress barely covering her slight breasts, but she didn’t seem to notice. So I said it again, taking another step closer, moving my hand to cup her chin. “I am falling in love
with you
, Kathleen Perry. Only you. There will never be anyone else for me but you.”

Right before I made contact with her skin, she shoved at me with both hands, using so much force that I actually fell back a step.

“I don’t
want you to
,” she hissed at me. “You don’t get to do this to me.”

“Do what?” I yelled. “I’m falling in love with you and you act like it’s some sort of betrayal.”

“Isn’t it?” she screeched, pacing away from me, tugging her dress on with frantic motions. The straps were barely in place when she charged back at me. The force of her mood sent a chill down my spine. “No, no, no, no, no. You
ruined
it, Dylan.”

“How?” I pleaded, ready to fall to my knees at her feet if she’d just calm down, hear what I was saying to her. I’d never said those words to a single other person, and she was all but shoving them back down my throat, probably in the hopes that I’d choke on them.

“You think you get to throw something like this at me? You think,” she jabbed a finger at me, “that because you make some big decision that I’m supposed to just fall in line and not have an opinion about it?”

“No, I don’t—”

“Ha,” she scoffed, giving me a derisive look. “You didn’t talk to me, never told me your feelings were changing, you just spring this bullshit on me and expect that I’ll fall at your feet? Screw you, Dylan.”

“You want to talk bullshit, Kat?” I threw back, good and pissed now. “Bullshit is the state of denial you’re living in. People change, relationships shift as you’re in them. That’s what happens. And if you expect that everything will always stay the same because you
demand
it to be that way, then you’re going to have a hell of a time trying to function in this world.”

“Don’t patronize me because you’re older. That’s a cheap shot.”

“It’s not patronizing if it’s true.” I leaned in and narrowed my eyes at her. “You think I planned this all out? That I agreed to our little arrangement knowing that I’d feel this way about you? I didn’t wake up this morning and think,
you know what?
I’m going to flip the switch and fall in love with Kat and she’ll magically be okay with commitment. Get over yourself.”

Her head snapped back as if I’d slapped her. “I’m about as far
over myself
as anyone you’ve ever met,” she said in a low, dangerous voice.

Out of control. That’s how I felt. Like I’d handed the reins over to a temper that I rarely let loose and when it was all said and done, I was dropped off in a world I didn’t recognize. I speared my hands in my hair, giving her a begging look. “Listen to us. This is insane, Kat.”

“Finally, we agree. This is completely insane.” Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest. I wanted to go to her, wrap myself around her and pray that if I wished it hard enough, I could go back and do the whole morning over again.

“So now what?”

“Well,” she swallowed, flicking her eyes away from me. “Now I make it easy on you.”

I shouldn’t have asked. I knew it. But I’m an idiot, so I did anyway. “How’s that?”

When she looked back at me, her eyes were shuttered and I had my answer. “Now I ask you to get the hell out of my house.”

I held her eyes, waiting for just one second to see if she’d waver. But she didn’t. So I did as she asked, slamming the door so hard behind me that I heard something break.

“
G
reat
, Sandy,” I said into the phone, wedging it in between my cheek and my shoulder. “Yeah, I’ll see you and Bones next week at three for his PT.”

Glinda finished writing something in the calendar while I set the receiver back down. After I’d relayed the information to her, I scanned my next couple appointments and saw Dylan’s name. My grip on the pencil in my hand tightened, and I tapped my finger next to it.

“Can you tell Molly she needs to take this one?”

“She’s already got an appointment in that slot.”

I flicked my eyes to Glinda. “Then I’ll switch with her.”

“May I ask why?”

“No.” I walked away, ignoring whatever she mumbled under her breath. Glinda could say whatever she wanted, because I was fine.

* * *

A
ctively avoiding
my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I finished washing my hands, also actively avoiding the way that my fingers shook when I wiped them with a paper towel. The bright yellow clock on the wall next to me ticked loudly in my ear, the cat tail that hung from the bottom twitching along with the sound.

For a brief moment, I contemplated staying in the bathroom until I knew Dylan and Leonidas would be settled into an exam room with Molly, but damn if I would hide from him. I’d spared him an impressively little amount of thought in the last two days since he’d stormed out of my house, and I would not allow him to take over the clinic.

I was fine. And I intended to let him see that.

My hand grabbed the metal handle of the door when I heard his voice on the other side and I froze.

I’m falling in love with you.
His voice burrowed in my ear and I pinched my eyes shut, willing it away. I yanked on the handle and breezed through the room. In my peripheral vision, I could see his tall frame dwarfing everything around him, but I didn’t spare him a glance. Leonidas didn’t notice me as he was too busy sniffing Rocky’s butt and getting the same treatment in return.

“Kat, your four o’clock called and said they were running late. Would you mind checking Mr. Steadman in while Molly finishes up her other client?”

Damn it, Glinda. I gave her a long look and finally nodded. If I wanted to prove to Dylan that I could carry on just fine without him, I guess this was my chance. I went to stand behind the desk, stepping on Glinda’s foot while I did and she elbowed me in my side without hesitation.

“How are you?” he asked, his voice low and searching.

“I’m fine.”

“Kat—”

I cleared my throat, handing him his paperwork without an upwards glance. “Molly will be done in a second, you can wait in exam room two.”

Then I walked away.

* * *

M
y apartment was completely dark
when I got home, since I’d worked well past sunset on some stuff for the fundraiser. Quite wisely, Glinda hadn’t said a word to me about Dylan after he’d left. Maybe the fact that I hadn’t looked at him once the entire time he was there clued her in, I didn’t really care either way.

Standing over my kitchen sink with only the light above the stove illuminating the room, I ate a bowl of Cheerios. Like I always used to do. Then I watched some TV and went to bed without having to say a word for the rest of the night.

And that’s what I continued doing every single day for the next two weeks.

Because I was
fine.

“
S
he still stone-walling you
?”

I finished pouring my beer into a pint glass and glanced over at Cole where he was leaning up against his kitchen counter. Garrett was working late, so we decided to play cards at Cole’s place tonight. Instead of answering, I took a long drink, the bite of hops making me wince a little. Why I let Garrett convince me to drink that shit, I’ll never know.

“Yeah,” I said after I’d set the glass down.

Cole nodded, then jerked his chin toward his family room, where Michael and Tristan were watching SportsCenter. “They still don’t know?”

“Of course we do,” Michael called out, never looking away from the television. “We’re not stupid. Kat stopped coming around and Dylan’s had a stick up his ass for the last two weeks.”

Stick up my ass, knife lodged in my heart, whatever. When I was getting ready for work earlier that morning, I could barely meet my own eyes in the mirror because of how horrible I looked. I needed a haircut and a shave, and the circles under my eyes were just about as dark as the black button-down that I was wearing.

And all of that shit, the lack of appetite, the impossibility of a good night’s sleep, just reiterated why I’d never gone out of my way to have a serious relationship before.

Because it sucked. It sucked so damn much that I still wanted to break something every time I thought of her. The worst part of all was that she’d never really been mine. I thought she was, and a couple times, she’d look at me and I thought maybe she was thinking it too. But I was wrong.

“Well,” Michael amended as Cole and I each took a seat on opposite sides of the couch, “we don’t exactly know what happened. Just that something did.”

“Because it’s none of our business,” Tristan muttered.

“Thank you,” I said to Tristan, giving him a half-hearted smile.

“Yeah, it may not be,” Michael agreed, “but we’re friends. And Kat’s our friend, too. She was like our little mascot. I miss her.”

It was exactly what Garrett had called her. That dropped my smile, mainly because the rusty knife lodged in my aorta twisted again when I imagined her pleased grin every time she made one of the guys laugh. Every kindness they gave her, she soaked up like a dried-up sponge that had been left out in the sun.

And Michael was right. It may not be their business, but I’d been trying to show Kat that it was okay to trust people. To trust me. And if I wasn’t willing to risk a little pride at admitting my fault in where we were, then how could I ever expect her to do the same?

“Okay,” I started, dropping my head back and staring up at the white ceiling. “Here’s the short version; Kat and I had a friends with benefits thing going on, and she was very up front about not wanting a relationship. I fell for her and told her right as she was mid-freak out. She kicked me out because I couldn’t keep my damn mouth shut.”

“So what are you going to do?” Tristan asked when no one said anything right away.

I lifted my head so I could take another drink of beer. “I have no idea. It’s not like she has girlfriends that I can go to for advice or a family that knows how to deal with her when she shuts down. I’m stuck with you dickheads for advice, which probably means I’m screwed.”

Cole and Michael laughed and Tristan nodded in agreement.

“You know,” Cole said, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees, clasping his hands together, “you changed the rules without telling her. I get why she’d be spooked. Not every woman is ready to hear a grand declaration, especially one who’s never experienced love before.”

“So what are you saying? I leave her alone and hope she comes around?”

He held his hands up. “Just stating a fact. And honestly? I’m the last person you should ask for advice. I’ve left my ex-wife alone for five years and look how much good it’s done for me. I can’t get her to answer a text message, let alone meet me face-to-face for a conversation.”

“You’re really helping,” I said, giving him a flat look.

The subject changed when no one said anything, and I couldn’t even be pissed about it. It wasn’t like I wanted to beat a dead horse, and since I’d managed to piss off the one person I knew who might be more stubborn than me, that’s exactly what it felt like.

Fruitless. Inane. Futile.

And it’s probably exactly what any woman who’d tried to change me in the past had felt. So how was that for irony?

Garrett showed up about an hour later and we played some poker. After the first hand, Garrett, Cole and Michael ventured outside to smoke cigars, leaving just me and Tristan at the table. I shifted in my chair after a long, silent minute. It wasn’t like the guy made me uncomfortable, but he was just so damn quiet.

I shuffled the deck a couple times, the rhythmic pulse of the cards soothing me a bit.

“It’s not rocket science,” Tristan said. When I glanced up in question, he lifted his eyebrows. “With Kat.”

The wood of the chair underneath me creaked when I settled back in it. “No?”

He shook his head, his face as carefully blank as always. He was wearing his hair down tonight, and he totally looked like a hippie Jesus, which freaked me out. Except I imagined that Jesus actually spoke to people on a regular basis, and Tristan seemed to be allergic to regular conversation.

“You can’t push. Not with someone like her.” Then he leaned forward, pinning me with as intense of a look as I’d ever seen from him, the normally unflappable demeanor gone for the moment. “But don’t
ever
let her believe that you’ve moved on. Not if you actually love her and believe there’s the smallest chance for you two.”

He was right, of course. Kat had admitted to me that she freaked out easily, and asked me not to give up on her. I hadn’t, not for a second in these last two weeks, I just had no freaking clue what to do about it without sending her in a dead run in the opposite direction.

“So how do I show her that without pushing?”

Tristan actually smiled then. “You don’t need me to answer that, Dylan. You’re a smart enough guy. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been in this position before, you figure it out because that’s what you do for the girl who turns your world upside down.”

“Dude.” I shook my head, feeling no small sense of wonder as I listened to him speak, arguably more words than I’d ever heard him string together before. “How do you
know
all of this?”

“You don’t want to know,” he said cryptically, eyes trained on the wall behind me.

I stood and stretched, heart thudding faster at the thought of finally doing something, even if it was just the smallest thing to let her know that I wasn’t abandoning her. And I never would. She’d kicked me out of her house in a moment of anger, but until she told me that she never wanted to see me again, I’d be there waiting.

Not wanting to be interrupted, I walked out the front door and sank onto the top step leading off of Cole’s porch. My mind raced with the different things that I wanted to say, but knew she wouldn’t be ready for just yet. That I missed her like someone punched a fist through my chest, that I laid in bed and swore that I could still smell her sweet scent around me, that her smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

Instead, I pulled out my phone and kept it simple.

Not wanting to drive myself insane by sitting there and waiting for a response that probably wasn’t coming, I tucked my phone into my back pocket and went back in the house feeling much better than I had in fifteen days. If Kat thought I was stubborn before, she hadn’t seen anything yet.