Authors: Matt Beaumont
e (46 page)
 | [email protected] 1/10/00, 9:01am |
| to: | [email protected] |
| cc: | |
| re: | jobs |
You poor, poor darling! The doctor is issuing new prescriptions and the pills should be with you tomorrow first thing.
Now I don’t want to tell tales, but there are some things you should know about. Pinki has just sent round an e about a new review system. It doesn’t make a bit of sense to me but I’m sure you wouldn’t like it. She’s also lit some really smelly incense sticks by the lift. Ken Perry has already been up and said they’ll set off the sprinklers. And she says you can’t have any Coke stuff until David has seen it. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s all nothing, really . . . Sx
| Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 9:12am |
| to: | Lorraine Pallister |
| cc: | |
| re: | pointers |
I’d hate us to get off on the wrong foot on your first morning, but there are a couple of things you should know about Simon and the kind of department he likes to run.
TIMEKEEPING: He is terribly strict about starting on time (8:45) so that there is always someone here to “person” the phones. I noticed you were a couple of minutes late this morning.
DRESS: Although the creative department is traditionally casual, Simon prefers the PA’s to be a little smarter. Maybe you could drop the hemlines a tad. And I think you’ll find a pair of “flatties” more comfy with the amount of dashing around you’ll be doing.
KNICK-KNACKS: Simon prefers us to keep the personal effects on and around our workstations to an absolute min’. He will allow a couple of photos of mummy/boyfriend, but don’t stick them on the wall, pop them in a nice silver frame.
TEA/COFFEE RUN: First job every morning is to pop up to the kitchen and get a couple of pots of tea (Darjeeling for Simon, Earl Grey for me) and a flask of coffee for visitors. It’s not compulsory but Simon really adores those little cinnamon bickies they have. But while he’s away just the Earl Grey is fine.
FRATERNISATION: Simon really hates it when creatives hang around the PA’s desks. He likes to see them in their offices slaving away I’m afraid. I can see Liam by your PC as I type. It’s only a little thing but I wouldn’t encourage him.
I know I’ve made him sound like an absolute monster, but honestly he’s not. If you stick to the rules he’s a total, utter sweetie!
I know that you and I are going to get along really well. Maybe we can nip out for a quick bite at lunch and get to know each other.
Susi Judge-Davis
Executive Assistant to the Creative Director
| Ken Perry – 1/10/00, 9:23am |
| to: | All Departments |
| cc: | |
| re: | “joss sticks” |
I am obliged to point out that the igniting of scent-impregnated candles, incense and other aromatic paraphernalia is prohibited under the terms of our insurance agreement. They are defined in the policy as “incendiary devices” and, as such, represent a fire hazard. I will send Shanice round the building this morning to gather up all such materials.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Ken Perry
Office Administrator
| Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 9:25am |
| to: | Lorraine Pallister |
| cc: | |
| re: | pollen alert |
Hate to be a spoilsport but that gorgeous bouquet you’ve just had delivered will have to go. Simon is incredibly sensitive to pollen. I know that he’s not back for a week but it lingers even with the air con. Sorry.
| Lorraine Pallister – 1/10/00, 9:30am |
| to: | Liam O’Keefe |
| cc: | |
| re: | Susi Judge-Dredd |
I’m off to a bloody flier with Ally McBeal’s Even Thinner Sister. She just went through Simon’s dos and don’ts. Apparently I’m unsuitably dressed, have to get rid of my Chemical Bros. poster and I’m not allowed to let you dribble on my keyboard. And you’ll have to dump the flowers you sent me. Simon’s allergic (would be, wouldn’t he?). But thanks – they’re beautiful. Didn’t have you down as a soppy git.
| [email protected] 1/10/00, 9:33am |
| to: | [email protected] |
| cc: | |
| re: | greetings from cloud #9 |
While you’re busy porking Mandi, Candi, Randi or Sandi, some of us are actually earning money. Pinki’s had me knocking out Coke posters since the crack of dawn. They’re the dog’s bollocks as well. They’re on the line Horne came up with – IT’S IN THE CAN – which I must admit ain’t bad for a sad old tosser. He’s done some half-decent scripts too. One of them uses that old Garbage track, “Queer,” which is pretty cool. And if you bear in mind Horne’s tastes in Asian “ladies” it takes on exciting, new meanings.
Blinding weekend. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind. Lol’s mate Debbie is a horny little minx but she didn’t come through on the O’Keefe Sandwich front. She got off with some scruffy little bloke who deals at Sound Republic and disappeared for the duration. Saw Zoë there too, giving it rock-all with a big black guy (I’m talking Barry White big).
Lol just gets saucier. I’m a new man. I actually went out to the deli yesterday to get us croissants and freshly squeezed orange juice for breakfast. And this morning I experienced an urge to send her flowers. I tried but I couldn’t fight it off. White lilies – thirty-five sodding quid.
Pinki is trying to turn the place into Haight Ashbury 1969 but she’s managed to get the department working their nuts off. It’s
weird. You can tell Susi doesn’t approve. Lol came up with Susi Judge-Dredd. I like that. She could be a copywriter yet. Watch your arse, matey.
| Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 9:38pm |
| to: | Zoë Clarke |
| cc: | |
| bcc: | Rachel Stevenson |
| re: | my condolences |
I hope that the funeral on Friday wasn’t too awful. I overheard Liam mention that he saw you at the Sound Republic on Saturday. We all have to search for a personal way of expressing our grief at times like these, and I am glad that you have found yours. If you need a shoulder, you know where I am. All the best with your new job.
| Pinki Fallon – 1/10/00, 9:44am |
| to: | Harriet Greenbaum David Crutton |
| cc: | |
| re: | Coke |
