earthgirl (22 page)

Amidst the food stalls and second-hand boutiques were a bunch of rag-tag shops that sold reflective construction-worker vests, knitted dockworker toques, woolie socks and other sensible low-tech stuff. Basically everything necessary
to disguise us so we could wreak havoc and make our grand environmental statement.

Instead I found myself wandering into one of those old-style taverns and ordering a beer. I didn't even think I liked beer, but it felt like the thing to do at that particular moment. The moment when I felt more like an actor in a movie than a sixteen-year-old wannabe activist trainwreck. So really, I wasn't surprised when the grizzled guy behind the bar deposited a bottle in front of me without blinking. Maybe he knew I was underage and didn't care. At this point it was the least of my law-breaking activities.

I moved to a seat by the window to watch the world go by. The students with their loaded book bags, the spiky tattooed punkers with their snarling doggies, the old shuffling Asian ladies towing bundle buggies, the hardworking storekeepers. All those strangers going about their lives, totally clueless about the person right beside them. Or watching them. Or maybe even their wife, or kids, or brother, or neighbor, or dad.

I mean, if we could put on a quasi-costume and fool ourselves into behaving like other people, how hard could it be to fool everyone else?

I took a sip of the beer. It tasted cold and sour in my mouth.

“What's all this?” Vray asked as I dumped a few cans of spraypaint from my pack onto his bed.

“Our supplies,” I announced.

“We're not tagging anything. We're in and we're out,” he explained. “If we want cred, we'll post a manifesto on the E-L-F site after.” He poked around in my pack and pulled out the two balaclavas I'd also bought. “Where's the rest of the stuff? There are four of us.”

“No, there are two,” I answered. “Me and you. I'll make a bunch of U-SUX posters. I've got gloves, glue and spray-paint but that's as far as it goes.”

“You're kidding, right?” he said. “This is just nerves, right, babe? Trust me, they'll pass. They always do.”

“No. This is the plan. My plan. The only plan.”

“Or what? You'll call it off?” he laughed. He went to his desk, grabbed a stack of photos of the dealership and handed them to me. “We've spent a ton of time planning this, scouting, taking pictures, playing out scenarios, looking at every angle the way we do every time.”

“What other times?” I asked calmly, both curious and terrified.

“You in or out?”

“I'm calling it off,” I said flatly, suddenly realizing the whole adventure had taken on a life of its own and was raging out of control. And I needed to take that control back. No matter what it took.

“You can't,” he said. “It's not up to you.”

“Yes I can and I am.”

“You do and we're done,” he answered quietly.

“Go through with it and we're done,” I snapped back, feeling suddenly strong and absolutely, totally right.

“You don't mean that,” he said suddenly, defensive.

“Stop telling me what I mean and what I want and who I am. Just stop it already!”

“I'm not, I just...” He stared at me, and for the first time since I'd known him I saw confusion in his eyes.

“Look, I don't know what kind of whacked superhero shit you did before we met, or what else you have cooking and I can't do anything about that,” I said, letting out a long, slow breath. “But this was my idea, my idea you twisted into something ugly and wrong and I'm taking it back.”

“Okay, fine, we'll just do spraypaint. This time. Get you ready and practice for the real deal.”

“No, I changed my mind. We won't do any of it. No paint, no anything. Were you even listening?”

“I've been listening for a long time. Long enough to know there's a war going on out there and we're all part of it,” he replied, like what he was saying made complete sense instead of being total bullshit. “And now's the time to step up or shut up.”

“I'm not fighting the same fight as you.”

“Yes, you are. You just won't admit it,” he snapped.

“This is done, Vray. We're finished.”

It took saying it out loud like that for me to realize it was true. And strangely enough, instead of feeling freaked or upset, I felt relieved.

I went over to his bed, shoveled the spraycans into my pack and hooked it over my arm.

I looked at him one last time. I wanted to memorize all the great things about him. I wanted to remember that even if right now he was a bit confused and cocky, deep down he was also sweet, caring, intelligent and fun. That his intentions were probably good even if his expressions weren't.

“We were really good there, for a while,” I said as I closed the door behind me.

e a r t h g i r l
[ Feb. 06th | 12:53pm ]
[ mood | You name it, I'm feeling it! ]
[ music | — ?! at a time like this?! ]

Mahatma Gandhi, the great teacher and man of peace and justice once said:

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

And since I have a ton of ideas and innovations, but no motto per se, I've decided that's going to be mine. My womanifesto. My eco-ethos. To lead by example and help
the world be a nicer, kinder, gentler, cleaner, calmer, better and happier place.

I WILL BE THE CHANGE I WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.

I don't know if I can change much. But I can change myself.

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www.epec.org

After retreating to bed and spending two bleary and teary-eyed days under my duvet, I figured I had to get back into the world. Plus another day in the fog of my mind and fug of my room and my mom would drag me to the doctor, which given the way pills were handed out like candy might lead to medicated mediation.

And now, more than ever, I needed to stay clear.

It wasn't easy. I felt pukey and restless and completely on edge. As if the incredibly debilitating sadness and exhaustion weren't enough, I was paranoid I might bump into Vray at the co-op. Or worse, his pack might try to infiltrate my school to intercept and hound or harass or berate me. I knew it wasn't likely. Then again, I also thought I knew a lot more than I apparently did.

I didn't dare call the car dealership back after my initial pay-phone-dialed warning (it was tough enough finding a public phone). And sneaking past to see if they'd reconfigured their cameras or hired extra security was out of
the question. So if something had happened, I hadn't heard about it on the radio or seen it online. Which in an odd way I had mixed feelings about.

Then again, at this particular moment, all of my feelings were decidedly mixed and mixed up.

“Ah-ha, you're here,” Shane nodded as I walked past his sentry post by the stoner tree.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“That you're here,” he shrugged. “And didn't run off with the E-L-F or relocate to a tree.”

I didn't know whether to be impressed or horrified.

“Should I know you by any other name?” I asked, wondering if Shane could be altalake, lorax, earthbound01 or even possibly onederful.

“I'm more an observer, not much for the blah-blah,” he said, shaking his head. “Unlike most of the goofs around here, I don't need to express an opinion about everything. I've got nothing to prove.” And with a bow of his beautiful dreaded-head, he turned and walked toward the school doors.

“Am I imagining it or are you and Shane McCardle getting tight?” Ella squealed as she snuck up behind me. As if there had never been a blip in our friendship. “Watch yourself, girlie. Va-va-va-Vray's gonna be seriously jealous.”

“Doubtful,” I answered softly. Then after a moment I added, “We're not together anymore.”

“Shut up!” she shrieked. “Did he dump you?”

“No,” I sighed, suddenly exhausted. “Another time, okay? It's complicated.”

“Well, he's a total idiot cause you're completely awesome, Bean,” she said. It was actually quite sweet. “Though he's definitely a supreme hottie.”

Incendiary even. Something I instantly extinguished by standing up for myself when things got too heated.

But if I just dove into the cosmic jet stream of life instead of deciding things myself, where would that take me? If I didn't think or care about the consequences of my actions, I could end up anywhere. Kicked out of school, in juvie or even dead. And really, how useful was I going to be in any of those places?

“You okay, Bean?” Ella asked as she touched my arm. “I didn't upset you about him, did I?”

“No, I'm fine,” I said as I headed toward the school. “I'm good.”

And as the words came out of my mouth tangled with puffs of condensation in the cold, clear morning, I knew it was true.