Easier to Run (16 page)

Every touch, every gasp, felt like glue and rubber bands pulling me together and tightening around me so that I no longer felt like I could explode from anxiety. This was an entirely new sensation. I tugged up the edge of his shirt, my fingers finding his warm skin below.

He broke away, and I felt myself crashing back to earth again.

Not yet
, I mentally pleaded with him.

“You sure about this?” he asked.

That question. It made it seem so final. This.
This
. What was this? Kissing? Making out? Touching? Sex?

Wherever it took me, I was with Ben.

I nodded. My heart pounded in my chest, and a swarm of butterflies danced through my stomach. But, yes, I was sure. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel love.

His mouth crashed against mine again and he pulled me even closer, lifting my leg up and hooking my knee over his hip. Then, his fingers found my hair, dragging it away from my face, then pulling me deeper into the kiss.

I tugged his shirt up to his ribs and he rolled on top of me, letting me slid it up over his chest. He knelt between my legs to lift it over his head, and I traced my fingers over his tattooed side, pressing my hands against his smooth stomach. Then, I then ran my hands up his muscular arms to lace my fingers behind his neck.

“I miss your longer, crazy hair,” I whispered.

“You should have seen it a few weeks ago.” He leaned against me pressing his lips to my ear. “Do you really want to talk about my hair?”

“No,” I breathed as his lips traced a line down my neck.

My hips pushed forward against him. Instinct taking over my body and shutting out my brain. It was exquisite.

He captured my mouth again, pressing against me and stealing every breath I took.

My core ached for him. I moaned and squeezed my legs against his hips.

Then my mind flashed back to life. I exhaled and couldn’t get a breath again. Ben pulled away, propped on his extended arms over my frozen body.

I forced in air and gulped. “I can’t breathe.”

He rolled off of me, and my body screamed at me to run. I jumped off the bed and ran to the door before I reminded myself that there was nothing in the room I needed to run from. I stood there, pressed against the hard wood of the door trying to catch my breath. “I can’t breathe,” I repeated.

“Take it easy, Bug. You’re safe,” he assured me softly.

“I know.” I forced the words out, but my voice shook. “But I’m not. It’s all in my head.” I rubbed the back of my neck, digging my fingers into my skin and trying to bring myself back to the present. “I can’t escape from what’s in my own head.”

I turned and pressed my back against the door, sliding down to the floor.

“We’ll work through it, Cas. We’ll take it slower.”

I forced a smile, but I didn’t deserve someone to be so nice to me.
Damn it. Damn stupid doubts.
I finally took a deep breath, but my body continued to shake.

Ben sat on the foot of the bed and held out his hand. “Come here.”

I stared at it for a minute, but couldn’t get my body to move. I wasn’t sure if I wanted my body to move.

“Cassie, just take my hand. One step at a time.”

I closed my eyes and reached up my hand. His warm fingers closed around it and pulled me to my feet. I followed the draw and let him sit me in his lap.

“What if I can’t be fixed?” I asked.

“You’re not a smashed vase, Cassie. You’re a woman. A strong, beautiful, caring, resilient woman. I believe that. I
know
that.” He wiped the tears from my cheeks.

I didn’t feel like most of those things. I was a mess, and as far as I was concerned, sitting in his lap sobbing proved it. “You were the person who made me strong.”

“No,” he whispered. “You did all of that. I just tried to give you the opportunities to see it.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but equally, I wasn’t sure I could argue.

“Tell me what you’re really afraid of, Cas.”

“Getting my hopes up,” I said without thinking. “I’m afraid that if I do that and let my guard down, something will go wrong again, and I won’t be able to take it. I’m afraid that all the doubts and fears in my head will come true.”

“Like what?”

My foot bounced against the floor as I debated over what to say. “Losing you.”

He pulled my chin up, so I had to look at him. “I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but unless you let me in first, you already have. Maybe you feel like you have nothing to lose by shutting yourself off from the rest of the world, but if you’re not happy, then you are losing everything.”

I pressed the ball of my foot into the floor. I felt like something in my chest was about to explode—what if my panic attack was turning into a heart attack? “What if I’m not supposed to be happy? What if by letting you in, I just bring you down with me?”

He pressed his forehead to my temple. “You can’t think like that. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be happy. Just give it some time.”

I smiled and laid my head on his shoulder. “Sorry I freaked out on you.”

“I’ll never force you to do anything you’re not ready for.” He dragged his fingers through my hair again and held me securely in his strong arms.

“I know. It’s my brain that freaks me out, not you.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, drawing in his scent. I knew I needed to stop freaking out and second guessing myself—before I drove everyone else insane as well. But knowing that, and keeping my brain from doing it were drastically different. “I feel better now.”

“Good.” He squeezed me in a tight hug. “Let’s get some sleep.”

I nodded, and we both crawled into bed and under the covers. I was surprised—and pleased—when Ben left his discarded shirt on the floor, and I curled up against his bare chest. “So, did your dad say anything? He… kept giving us weird looks.”

Ben snorted. “He said if we ever get into a spat he’s going to have a hard time picking sides, but then he admitted he’d probably take yours.”

I laughed and curled up tighter against him. I wanted to be lost in him until nothing else mattered. “No, he didn’t.”

“Swear.” Ben held up his hand. “He also said something about me looking at you the same way you’ve always looked at me.”

“You and your dad are pretty observant for men,” I said with a sigh. I wasn’t sure how to feel about Chuck catching on to it all so quickly. Terrified. That’s how I felt. But for the last several years, almost everything about life had terrified me.

“It helps to be observant when you’re driving a truck that can weigh upwards of forty tons when loaded. Otherwise, you’ll end up on top of someone else’s car or rolled over a hill.” He tensed and his eyes widened for a second. “I didn’t mean—your dad couldn’t have—”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I know. It was a freak accident. And that’s what scares me the most—when you realize that sometimes, there really is nothing you can do.”

He squeezed me close, enveloping me in his warm, protective grasp. “Except enjoy everything you have as long as you have it.”

I nodded. “Point taken.”

“Good,” he kissed my cheek, then laid his head on the pillow next to mine.

Then, yet another thought fought its way to the surface. “You don’t think your roommate heard any of that, do you?”

“Nah,” he chuckled. “He probably washed up and headed straight back out.”

Ben

My mind simply wouldn’t stop. I managed a few hours of sleep, but by five am I was wide awake fighting a constant barrage of “should”, “maybe”, and “how on earth did I get into this situation.” I wondered if this was how Cassie felt on a regular basis. If so, I had to give her credit just for getting through a day.

Every way I turned simply pushed my back up against a different wall.

Liz…. I didn’t know how to deal with her moods on a good day anymore. I just wanted her gone from my life, but now that was impossible. Her news had imprinted her on my soul for good. Unless there was something more to what Brantley had said. She’d never mentioned anyone else—not that it surprised me.

It still didn’t guarantee that the baby wasn’t mine. Still didn’t excuse me from the collar of responsibilities that dangled around my neck, slowly strangling the life out of me.

Why did I have to feel so responsible for everyone who came into my life?

For Cassie more than anyone else. Even more than myself sometimes.

What a hell of a situation to be in.

Priorities…. I couldn’t even classify them anymore. Here I was, trying to get Cassie to open up, and I’d spent so many years closing myself off after she left that I couldn’t even see past my own walls until I had fallen into a hole so deep, I couldn’t even see a way out.

Cassie made a quiet sound, then rolled toward me.

I slid my fingers through her golden locks. I loved how her soft hair felt against my rough fingers. How her soft body felt nested close to mine. The sounds of her slow even breaths. Her smell. Everything about her intoxicated me. She was entwined around my heart in a way I could never explain, or escape.

It was hopeless.

I
was hopeless.

And I didn’t care.

The only thing I regretted was letting her down. Not being there when she needed me, but I’d never let that happen again. And now… now, I’d dragged her into my problems as well. If I held on to her, she became indirectly connected with whatever happened in my future with Liz. It was unfair. I felt wrong asking that of her. I felt wrong pushing Liz aside like this, even after everything she’d done and said.

And yet, when I looked at the sleeping girl next to me, I couldn’t imagine anything that could convince me to let her go again.

Cassie stirred again, moaned, and scrunched her eyes. I froze, hoping I hadn’t woken her.

She pressed against me and sighed. “I like this dream.”

I chuckled and wrapped my arm around to hold her closer.

Her eyes opened slowly and she splayed her hand against my chest above my heart. A faint smile pulled up the edges of her mouth.

“You seem to be feeling better today,” I said.

“Yeah,” she raked her teeth across her bottom lip, then looked up to meet my eyes. “When I was a kid, I always begged Mom to read me this one book.”

“
The Monster at the End of this Book
.” I had heard about it at least a hundred times from either Cassie or her mom.

She grinned, and her feet rubbed against my leg, twisting under the covers. “Yeah. Through the whole book, he’s trying to get you to stop reading. Don’t turn the page. And then when you break down the final barrier and the end comes, he realizes that the only monster was himself. There was never anything to be afraid of.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m still afraid all the things that might happen, but I guess if I don’t stop running from myself, I’ll never be able to hold onto what makes me happy either.”

“Sounds like you got some good advice in your sleep.”

“Nah.” She took a long breath. “It came from an old friend who has never been afraid to give it to me straight.”

“Seems like a good friend,” I rolled to my back, pulling her with me so that she laid on my stomach.

She smiled and shrugged, holding herself up slightly with her hands propped against my shoulders. She dropped her eyes timidly to my chest. “Maybe that’s why I always loved him.”

I angled her chin up and pressed my lips to hers, holding my hand to her back and pulling her body into mine. “I love you, too, Cas.”

The TV clicked on in the next room, and the sounds of a war movie bled through the walls.

I moaned and dropped my head back, staring up to the ceiling. “The downside of rooming with truckers is that we never sleep late.”

“That’s not so unexpected.” With a yawn, she laid her head against my chest and I held her there, one hand on her shoulder blade and one lower on her back. “I should probably take care of some things today. I need to get a prescription filled and pick up some other stuff.”

“Want me to go with you?”

“Nah, I think I can find my way.” She lifted her head and cocked an eyebrow. “Unless you’re afraid I’m going to run off.”

“Nope,” I said. I wouldn’t say that the thought never crossed my mind. The thought of losing her again was always in the back of my mind. “But you probably won’t find the pharmacy where you left it. It’s over in the new mall, where the pawn shop used to be.”

“Guess some things in this town have changed.” She sighed and squeezed her knees against my hips—probably unaware of the movement or what the motion did to me. She wouldn’t be so unaware for long if she continued though.

“A few,” I said. I debated over whether or not to warn her, but I knew she wouldn’t appreciate walking in on the surprise. “Kaylee is the pharmacist there.”

She sat back straddling my hips. “Didn’t expect her to come back here.” Then, she glared down at me, her eyebrows furrowed. “When you said you two—”

I put my hands up. “High school only. She came back from college married.”

“So you would have….” Her eyes glinted and she smirked.

“No,” I rolled again and flung her to the bed under me. “It hadn’t crossed my mind. What are you up to?”

She giggled and squirmed, trying to get out from under me. “Not up to anything. Just wondering what other kinds of trouble you got in while I was gone.”

“Plenty, but not that. I just figured you might not want to walk in there and be surprised.” I nuzzled her throat and kissed right below her ear. Her quiet moan set my heart racing, but I knew I had to reign it back int. “We can get dressed and go down to the Waffle Nook, before you run off.”

“I want homemade waffles,” she said pushing me back so I could see her pout.

“Well, the closest I can get would be frozen ones, but I’d have to go buy those first anyway.”

She rubbed the tip of her nose against mine, staring straight into my eyes. “Steal your parents’ waffle iron.”

I snorted. “I can’t believe you’re trying to seduce me into stealing a waffle iron.” If mom thought this girl had me wrapped around her little finger years ago, she hadn’t seen anything yet. I straightened my arms and stared down at her smile and pinched eyes. It was such a change to the girl I’d seen over the past week. “What got into you?”

She took a deep breath and clasped her hands behind my neck. “I decided to choose happy,” she said. “I want to be happy. I want to be like this. Especially when I’m with you. It won’t always be easy, and a stupid flashback could send me into a tailspin that I can’t rationalize my way out of at any moment, but I want to enjoy stuff again. To enjoy picking on you, and laughing, and joking.”

“Good,” I said, pressing another kiss to her lips. I loved the quick sharp intake of breath she took every time I kissed her. The gleam in her eyes as she watched me after. I just took a running, flying leap into what my Dad had warned me against.

Be someone she can count on
, he said. I could tell myself over and over that we were going too fast, but nothing could ever convince me that anything could ever feel more right than staring into her eyes and making her smile.

“So, why did you chop off all the hair?” she asked, running her fingers over the short hair that remained.

“Ah, Brantley and I decided to make a bet on who could last the longest without a haircut or shave.”

Cassie snorted and shook her head. “I’m guessing he won.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t take the hot, itchy, annoying thing anymore. I got fed up and shaved my whole head.”

She frowned, still rubbing her hands over the back of my head. “I’m kinda sad I missed that. I’m sure you looked like a hot mountain man.”

“Or a drunk roadie. On the bright side, Liz hated it.” It felt weird to bring Liz up to Cassie… and yet, it didn’t. It was a strange duality. But neither of us could fully escape our pasts, and if we couldn’t talk about it, we didn’t have much hope for dealing with it together.

“Yeah well.” Cassie frowned. “I’d just tell her to bite me.”

I shuddered at the thought of what Liz might do if I had told her that.

Cassie took a deep breath and pressed her chest against me. “What are your plans for today—since you’re off of babysitting duty and all?”

I shook my head. “I’m going to talk to Dad—”

“And steal the waffle iron?” she asked, nearly jumping up.

I dodged her before she head butted me and did permanent damage. “Uh, we’ll see.”

She frowned and crossed her arms.

“Then, I should probably do some grocery shopping—depending on how long he’s ‘grounding’ me. Why do I feel like I’m in high school again?”

“Maybe we should go TP a house and really put you in the high school mood.” Cassie shrugged. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to act immature. You might be in for quite a week.”

I laughed and rubbed a hand over my face while she toyed with the fingers of my other hand.

“What on earth was in that pill you took last night?”

“Sanity. I’m enjoying a few moments of being silly and carefree. You don’t like it?”

“No, by all means, continue.” I kissed her again, staying close to her face. I couldn’t get enough. “I’m enjoying it. It’s just quite the change. Now, are you going to settle for Waffle Nook or not?”

“You finally going to let me pay for something?” She asked, arching her back and pressing against me.

“Why would I do that?”

“The only way I’m ever going to get to spend any money is to run errands on my own.” She raised her eyebrows. “But if you want to go anywhere, we should get dressed. I’m not running around all day in my PJs.”

“Want me to leave?”

She bit her lip and nodded.

“Fine,” I snorted. “I’ll grab some clothes and change in the bathroom.” I stole one last kiss before I rolled off the bed and dug out a change of clothes.

Brantley was sprawled across the couch watching a movie. He lifted a hand to acknowledge me. “I’m not saying a word.”

“I’m pretty sure that counts as five.”

He nodded and gave me a skeptical glare.

“When you go back out?” I asked.

“Tuesday. You?”

“No idea. I’m supposed to be thousands of miles away from here right now.”

Brantley nodded. “Yeah, but if your dad is waiting on you to work something out—”

“Trying to be optimistic here.” Brantley had warned me away from Liz more times than I could count. He had been right—and the sad thing is that I knew he was right all along.

“Try all you want. I’m sure you’re just itching to play road trip with your…. What is she again?” He was just trying to get under my skin, but I had to wonder how much of our conversation he could hear despite the movie.

“Cassie. Her
name
is Cassie.”

“Right, your Cassie,” he gave me a sardonic grin and turned his attention back to the movie.