Easier to Run (23 page)

“I can live with that.” I didn’t want to smile like a dork, but my cheeks started to ache from holding back.

“Well, much like you, Paige finds it difficult to talk to new people. She’s just shy like that.”

“Shy and dating a guy who makes sausage jokes in the middle of a waiting room. That seems like a good fit. But they are kinda cute—just don’t tell Brantley I said that.” I played with my fingernails in my lap. “I just think Liz needs friends more than me right now.”

His lip quirked up. “Do I have to choose one or the other?”

I shook my head. Maybe that wasn’t the best way of putting what I was trying to say. But it’s extremely hard when you’re not even sure what you’re trying to say. “I-I respect that you want to be there for her.”

“I do,” he said. “I feel like I should be. But I don’t really know how. I don’t want to make her more confused or hurt her more, you know? The worst of it all is I think she really believes she’s pregnant. I don’t know where to go with any of this.””

“You’ll figure it out. Your parents raised a good guy.” I stared down at the floor, debating whether or not to continue. “That’s why you were always my hero.”

“You give me too much credit. None of this would have been half as hard if I wasn’t screwing her to pass the time.” As the Waffle Nook came into view, he let out a long sigh. “I just wish I understood what’s going on right now.”

“The scariest things are the demons in other people’s heads. We can’t see them, or avoid them, or predict what they’re going to do.” I couldn’t stop thinking about everything Brantley had said. I felt the tears coming that I’d been fighting all day. What was it with those damn tears? After all these years, I would have thought that I wouldn’t have any more tears to fall, yet lately they kept falling more than ever. “Do mine scare you?”

“Only because I don’t know how to make it better.” He parked his truck, then pushed up the console that divided the cab, and dragged me across the seat. “We’ll figure it all out.”

“Brantley told me that his dad had PTSD. And he wanted to know why I hadn’t told you… that I have it.” I ripped off a piece of my nail nearly down to the quick. Something I’d done so many times that it barely registered. “I’ve had three doctors tell me I have symptoms of PTSD.”

Even though I figured it wasn’t news to him, it was just as hard to say. “I’m—I—” I was at a loss for words.

“It’s okay, Cas,” Ben said, hugging me gently.

“I feel like p-people are going to think I j-just want attention when I say that. Or pity. But I had to say it. I want to let you in, but I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to pull away all of your attention either.”

“It’s yours, Cas. My heart. My attention. My thoughts. Other people just borrow space for a little while, but it always goes back to you. And I don’t want you to ever feel bad about that.” He rubbed my arms and pressed his mouth to my neck. He didn’t kiss me, he just stopped there. Every breath caressing my skin and giving me chills in the warm cab. “Maybe I didn’t want to admit it, because I didn’t know what it meant, but losing you consumed me.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I gave into the silence, and enjoyed the feeling of his touch, until the air inside the truck began to warm to oppressive levels.

“We should go in,” I said with a sigh. “It’s already hard to tell what Brantley might say.”

“I’ll shove a waffle in his mouth.”

I loved that with Ben—and even his friends—things could turn from serious to laughter in a matter of seconds. It made it easier to deal. Easier to move forward. Sometimes the swings were fast enough to seem whiplash inducing, but they pulled me out of my darkness and gave me hope that I could find a place in this life as well as a way to cope with my past. A way to cope with the present.

Cassie

The air inside the Waffle Nook was warm and sweet, just as it had been the day before. Brantley and Paige waited for us at in a booth along the back wall. I slid in first, taking the seat across from Paige.

“We were about to eat without you,” Brantley said. Paige was leaned against his arm, her eyes half hooded. She must not have gotten more than a couple hours of sleep.

“Y’all know what you’d like?” a waitress asked, flipping up the paper on her notebook. “I can get drinks and come back if you like.”

“Coffee,” Paige said. “With a side of coffee, and lots of cream, and double sides of bacon.”

“Anything with your bacon, cream, and coffee?” Brantley asked, giving her an incredulous stare.

“Waffles…,” she said staring down at the menu, then her eyes widened. “
Blueberry
waffles.”

Brantley took her menu. “I’d like black coffee, three eggs, hash browns, and sausage links.”

I snorted, but kept my comment to myself. All eyes fell on me anyway, as it was my turn to order. “Two waffles—”

“Extra butter,” Ben interrupted. “Coffee with cream, and a small orange juice.”

I elbowed him in the ribs. “You didn’t know that for sure.”

He gave me a smile that dared me to change my answer, but instead, I slid my menu over to the stack Brantley had started.

“I’ll have the same as her,” Ben said pointing to me. “Minus the extra butter.”

After the waitress left, Brantley stretched back and put his arm around Paige. “Aren’t they cute?”

“Shut up sausage man,” I said, before I thought about it. And once again, all eyes were on me. I was glad they’d chosen a booth on the unoccupied half of the restaurant.

“At least I got the meat to back it up,” he said with a smirk.

“Well,” Paige pressed her palms to her blush-stained face and lowered her head. “That escalated quickly.”

I covered my own face as well, which I imagined was at least as flushed as hers.

“That’s all you’ve got?” Brantley asked.

I nodded, keeping my mouth covered. I knew that my comebacks—perverted or not—wouldn’t be a match to what he would come up with next.

“Give her a break,” Ben said, stretching his arm over the back of our bench seat. “She’s not as experienced as you yet.”

“Few are,” Brantley said, earning another smack to the back of his head from Paige.

“What?” He grabbed her underneath the table, and she squealed and jumped. “That time I was
not
being perverted.”

“Yeah right,” Ben said. “That would be a first in the five years that I’ve known you.”

Three months in the psych ward and I’d never seen people this crazy.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Murray.”

Luckily—or maybe not so luckily since I had no way of telling how red my face was—the waitress came back with our drinks and the conversation turned away from snarky perverted challenges.

***

Paige pushed her empty dishes to the edge of the table and checked her phone. “Oh, God, I have to be at work in four hours. I’m going to die.”

Ben took a long drink of his coffee and added the empty cup to the collection of dishes. “I thought you had Mondays off.”

“I’m supposed to but the other managers are jackasses. I’m not even supposed to be there for twelve hours straight without backup, but they do
that
to me every Sunday.”

“Makes being home on the weekends a drag, too,” Brantley murmured.

“Tell him he should just take me on the road,” Paige said winking at Ben.

“You’d go nuts,” Brantley said before Ben had time to respond.

“Is it really that bad?” She asked, looking at me.

I shrugged. “I like being on the road.”

“Skipping showers…,” Brantley said. “Squeezing into a tiny bed….”

“See the second part doesn’t sound that bad,” Paige said.

Brantley clicked his tongue. “Says the woman who can’t stand to sleep unless she’s sprawled out like a damn snow angel.”

“That is so not true.”

Brantley’s mouth twisted into a crooked smile as he nodded.

Paige folded her arms and leaned against the wall. “You just don’t want to take me.”

“I’d love to take you, but there’s no coming back after a few days when you get bored. I can’t imagine you sitting in the passenger seat for twelve hours a day five days straight—or more—and not going insane.”

“Nah,” she waved her hand. “You’re right about that. I really don’t see how y’all do it, but it would be nice to see you more often.”

Their teasing hit me like a brick wall. I remembered the first few years Ben’s family lived next to us, while his dad was still driving instead of managing the company. He was never home during the week, and on average only slept at home two nights a week. He wasn’t pulling the same long drives that Ben pulls now….

Reality sank in. I couldn’t travel with him forever. If I stayed here, stayed with him, I’d be spending most of my nights alone. His life was on the road. I reminded myself of all the people who lived life like this. But I wasn’t sure I could when I really thought about it. Saying good bye to him and staying home alone for more than a week at a time.

A lump grew in my throat.

You’re overreacting. I won’t be that bad.

“Cas,” Ben squeezed my shoulder. “You okay?”

“It’s just been a crazy week,” I said softly.

“We can go and try to convince Dad to take an early lunch. Shouldn’t be too hard.”

I smiled and fiddled with a sugar packet. “Doesn’t really matter when we go.”

“If we get it done now, we can go home and relax.”

Home
.
Relax.
Until he goes on another run. What a time to be getting cold feet.

“I’ve got the bill,” Brantley said. “Then, I’m taking her home”—he nodded to Paige—”I’ll probably stay there. I’ve had enough of listening to neighbors move furniture.”

“Is someone moving?” Paige asked, then she looked to me and Ben. “Oh.” She pushed Brantley’s shoulder as if she could shove him out of the booth. “Come on my dearly beloved can’t miss an opportunity to make an obscene reference and embarrass everyone.”

Ben looked at me and his faint smile faded. “Ignore him, Cassie.”

“It’s fine.” I shrugged it off.

He groaned. “What’s wrong? And don’t you dare say ‘nothing,’ ‘it’s fine,’ or anything similar.”

I closed my eyes. I couldn’t breathe because the world was closing in around me. “I—”

“We’re here Cassie,” he whispered into my ear. “You’re with me. Waffles. Coffee.” He moved my hair to kiss my neck and I gasped.

“People are going to see.”

“I live with a human innuendo machine, I don’t really give a fuck if people in a restaurant watch me kiss my girlfriend. Can you open your eyes now?”

I nodded. “T-technically.”

He hugged me around my shoulders. “Open your eyes, Bug. What’s freaking you out?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Then, tell me and we’ll laugh about it.”

I huffed a quiet laugh. “I’m afraid of being here alone when you leave.”

“I’m not leaving today. And when I do, if you’re not ready to stay, you can come with me.”

He made it sound so simple, but it wasn’t at all. “I can’t live on the road with you. I can’t be needy and dependent my entire life.”

“No, but you can stay with me until you’re ready. We take it one day at a time, and
today
, it doesn’t matter. We’re going to get you a new phone, update your information with the lawyer, and then we’ll enjoy having the apartment to ourselves.”

He squeezed my shoulders again and I let my head bob against him.

“It’ll get easier,” he whispered.

“I’m glad you’re so confident.”
One day at a time,
I repeated to myself.

“Come on,” he patted my back. “Let’s go find, Dad.”

I shook my head, leaving it against his shoulder.

“Why not?”

“I want another kiss, first.” I smirked.

He grinned and gave me a quick peck on the lips. I was too busy smiling to notice what anyone else saw—or to even care. Brantley and Paige were also heading for the exit by the time we stood up.