East of Ashes (19 page)

"I guess that's true enough. And if I'm really honest with myself, there's enough evidence to support the likelihood that He
does
exist," he replied. "And I can't argue about how people use God's name to further their own agendas. But that confuses me even more!"

"Why's that?" Othniel asked.

"Look around us!" Lamech exclaimed. "Have you ever seen so much brutality, so much hat
r
e
d
, being committed in one place? Why doesn't God stop it? If He's a loving God as scripture says, then why does He allow this kind of evil to exist in the world?"

"You have one thing right: it is evil," Othniel replied emphatically. "All this bloodshed is not from God - it has left me wishing I could leave the army and return to my home. But the Lord hasn't released me yet."

Othniel laughed at the baffled look on Lamech's face.

"Yes, I know - the obvious question is
:
‘W
hy
does
He want me here?
’
He's revealing it to me bit by bit each day, and I'm still working through it," he said. "But I believe this moment is part of it."

"But to get back to your original question: let's take this Crusade as an example. Do you really think God told the pope to preach it? Do you really think God wants us to slaughter fellow human beings to liberate a city from... from what? Other people? Whom He also cares about?"

Lamech pondered his question for a moment and then shook his head reluctantly.

"No, I don't think so either," Othniel replied. "This Crusade is man-made. Man decided to embark on it. Man decided to kill his fellow man. Why? Power and greed."

"Wouldn't you agree that blaming God for it is both extremely arrogant and ignorant as He had nothing to do with it? The state of the world is caused by our evil acts, not God's. We're trying to shift the blame to Him."

"Fair enough," Lamech conceded, "But it still doesn't answer my question. Why doesn't He come and change everything? He surely has the power to do so?"

"He can, and He will," Othniel replied. "But think of this: when Jesus comes back, if you're on the wrong side, it's going to be a very bad day for you. So He's taking longer to give people more time to choose Him out of their own. That's what real relationship is all about. God is not a puppet master - He wants to build relationship with us, but He won't force Himself upon us. You don't love that which is forced upon you."

"On the day that He returns, however, everyone is going to want to get to know Him, to choose Him. But that will be false, because then suddenly there will be no real choice anymore. You'll have to be particularly far-gone to stand in front of God in all His glory and majesty and spit right in His face, choosing to go to hell instead of heaven. So He's giving people more time before that day comes, out of mercy."

"But why doesn't He interfere in the meantime?" Lamech asked.

"When believers ask Him to interfere in a particular problem of theirs - and firmly believe that He is both capable and willing to interfere because He loves them - then He usually does. Sometimes He doesn't, but in those cases it's not because He doesn't love us. On the contrary, it's usually because He has a much clearer picture of the situation and knows that the solution you're asking for is not the best one for you or those involved. In those cases He might not be answering your prayer exactly the way you asked Him to, not because He doesn't care, but because His ways are better, higher than ours."

"Besides," Othniel continued, "we often pray and tell Him
how
He should solve a particular problem - almost as if we know better than He does. What arrogance! Faced with the glory and power, wisdom and insight that God has, who are we to tell Him what to do? It should be the other way around!"

"Instead we should approach Him with respect, asking Him for help and to intervene in our situation. He's loving and merciful and wants to intervene. If He doesn't intervene, it's not because He doesn't want to. In fact, I think it must hurt Him profusely when He has to hold back for a time. But He does so because He knows the outcome will be better than if He had to intervene right now."

"You really want me to believe that He's a loving God?" Lamech asked. "And that He's involved in man's doing - in a good way? That's very hard to believe when you look at all the brutality being committed in His name in this war. I know, I know, you already said that's because of man, but still..."

"It is, you're right. But when you look at the characteristics of God as taught by scripture, and by what is gleaned if you walk in a personal relationship with Him, then you see that it's very different to that which is taught by the church today. Then you see that the pope is merely using God as a tool to further his own agenda. I am convinced that the pope doesn't know God at all. He knows about God, but he doesn't
know
God. If he did, he'd b
e
crawling on the floor, begging for mercy. Because he's using God to manipulate people."

"And the same goes for many so-called Christians today. Most of them don't really have a personal relationship with God. They say they're fighting for God in this war, but really they're here for the bounty - and to try and buy God's forgiveness, thinking they can earn forgiveness and salvation through a so-called 'penitent holy war'."

"But it doesn't work like that. You don't gain salvation through the work of your hands. It's a gift, offered freely by God to us by sending His son Jesus to die for our sins. We have to accept that gift, accept Jesus as our saviour."

"But when we do, we give up the right to live only for ourselves. We can still choose to, but that will be counter-productive to our relationship with God. Most people don't want to give up control - they want to remain in charge of their lives. But what they don't realise is that when you give up control, give the reigns to God, then you begin to discover a depth and power to life that you never knew before."

"And I'm not talking slavery here - I'm talking about real life; life to the full," Othniel concluded.

His words immediately brought Leala and Joash to mind. Lamech instinctively knew this was something they had clicked a long time ago. He now understood why their faith was so alive: they did what Othniel was talking about. They accepted Jesus as their saviour - and not just as a religious figurehead. For them, being a Christian was more than just going to church and doing all the right religious things - it was
life
.

It was evidently also the reason why they possessed so much peace.

But they hadn't done what he had
done
.

"I'll be honest with you Othniel. I know your real reason for talking to me, for telling me these things, is because you want to see me become like you. I appreciate it. Really, I do. And part of me wants to have that - the life you speak of resonates with me, fills me with hope. But you don't know what I did," Lamech said, dropping his head in anguish.

Othniel placed his hand on Lamech's shoulder to comfort him.

"Then why don't you tell me?" he said. When Lamech didn't reply, Othniel looked down at his face. He was surprised to find silent tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I was married once," Lamech said softly. "It was long ago. We married in secret because her father didn't approve of me. Oh, she was so beautiful - her presence would light up a room."

Othniel held his hand still on his friend's shoulder, afraid that if he moved it Lamech would stop talking.

"I was speaking to my father - a bishop at our town's cathedral - when news arrived that they had found her... murdered," Lamech whispered, his shoulders shaking as years of tears locked up behind walls of rage finally began to pour through the cracks. He took a deep breath and willed himself to continue.

"At the time I didn't think much of it, being too overcome to think coherently," he continued, the words now coming like a river, "but later I found it odd that my father didn't seem too shocked. Almost as if he
’d
kn
o
w
n
already."

"Which he
ha
d. But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself," Lamech smiled bleakly. He wiped the tears from his cheeks and then continued.

"It didn't take a lot of investigation to find out who was responsible for her murder. He was a prominent figure in our town and it was no secret that he had
had
his eye on her. He had a wife but thought to take mine as his mistress. Apparently he discovered the day before that we had married in secret and confronted her in a jealous rage. Things didn't go the way he had wanted
them
to - and... she ended up dead."

"I went straight to his house, sword in hand. I would have killed him on the spot if my father hadn't followed me and stopped me. To be honest, I was actually relieved that he did. I guess even in the midst of my grief and rage I knew deep down that if I
had
g
i
ve
n
in to it, it would
have
consume
d
me."

"And then a friend of mine - who was a priest at the cathedral - told me that my father had heard the confession of her murderer the morning after the murder."

Lamech's face became hardened, drained of all emotion. Othniel held his breath, fearful for the words to follow next.

"I confronted him about it, insisting he tell me what he had said. At first he didn't want to, but he finally confirmed that he had told my father what he had done. This was before I had heard about it, so my father
ha
d
already know
n
."

Othniel was shocked to see all emotion gradually leaving Lamech's face as he continued in a steely voice.

"My father wouldn't look me in the eye, so I knew there was more. I began losing control. I could literally feel it slip away. I threatened my father - grabbed him by the throat and even pulled my sword - if he didn't tell me what
had
happened. Finally he admitted his part in all of it."

Othniel closed his eyes, guessing what came next. In his mind's eye he could see the picture clearly: a young man holding his father by the throat with his one hand, his other holding a sword threateningly.

When Othniel opened his eyes, he found Lamech watching him. But where his face was emotionless a moment ago, now it was flooded with grief. Lamech looked down again.

"The cathedral had desperately needed funds," he continued, "and my wife's murderer
had
promised to contribute generously if my father would speak absolution over him. I like to think that it took some convincing, but in the end my father agreed."

"It wasn't the first time something like that had happened
in
the church - you hear things over the years. But still, I couldn't believe it," Lamech said, shaking his head. "Even as he
had
said it, my mind
had
rebelled at the words, unable to believe that my own father would absolve the man who took away the woman I loved more than life itself."