Echoes of the White Giraffe (11 page)

Jaechun repaired my comer room, which once had large picture windows on two sides so that I could see the city of Seoul. Knowing how much I loved looking out at the sky, he managed to obtain several large plates of glass, which he pieced together. It was far from what it used to be, but I once again had a full view of the sky and of downtown Seoul. In the basement I found a small broken desk, a brass candleholder, and a rickety chair that Jaechun had nailed back together. I took out
Half Moon,
which held the dried petals of my white lily, and I placed it on the desk. I had safely tucked Junho's picture away in my bookbag to keep it from my protective older brothers.

Fortunately, the Ewha School had not been damaged much, and it soon reopened. I was happy to see so many friends I hadn't seen in three years, and we shouted and embraced. We didn't speak of those who weren't present, for none of us wanted to hear more bad news. I was glad to see Bokhi there, as I hadn't seen her since we left Pusan. She was still living with her old aunt and uncle, and now many of her first and second cousins had come to live with them too. Her aunt and uncle were pleased to take care of them, and, in return, the young people worked hard to repair what was left of their house.

Teacher Yun worked harder than ever to get Ewha back up and running. As the oldest survivor in her family, she now had many little nieces and nephews to take care of at home. She often had to bring the little ones to school, and Bokhi and I babysat during recess.

Mother spent several days sorting through the piles of rubble in our house. I occasionally joined her, but it was a constant reminder of the precious things we used to have, none of which seemed salvageable. I threw everything back in distaste and wondered why Mother kept at it so diligently. I wanted to ask, but she looked so sad that I felt she just needed something to do to get over her grief. After she had gone through the piles in the house, she started carefully digging up every inch of the backyard, like an archeologist.

I joined her for a while, and I did recover one thing I couldn't part with. It was my Luxy's wooden bowl. Three-quarters of it, that is. It was broken and dirty, but I took it to my room anyway. Luxy used to bring this wooden bowl to me on hot days and whimper for cool water. I missed her.

When Jaechun saw the remains of Luxy's bowl, clean and shiny, on my desk, he said gently, “Sookan, you do know Luxy is alive and well, don't you?”

“No, why didn't you tell me sooner?” I said as tears started streaming down my face. “I've been wondering all this time, but was afraid to ask. How do you know? I have been afraid to help Mother dig up the backyard. I thought I might find Luxy buried there.”

Jaechun told me that as he was running out of the house that day, he heard Luxy whimpering. He grabbed her and rushed out into the crowds. An army officer stuck his head out of a Jeep and shouted, “Handsome boxer you have there. Is he well trained?”

“Yes, sir! She's very intelligent and obeys orders.”

The officer looked at Luxy's clear brown eyes and cocked ears and said, “Hop on. You can't run with the dog like that.” They rode all the way to the army base. Jaechun was immediately assigned some work translating, and the officer decided to keep Luxy. Jaechun said he often saw Luxy riding around in the Jeep with the officer, and she seemed proud and happy. Every time she passed Jaechun, she barked to say hello. After about a month, the officer was transferred to a safer zone, and took Luxy with him. Jaechun was sure that Luxy was still alive and that she was being well cared for by the officer.

I wasn't sure how much of his story to believe, but it was comforting. I hoped he was right and that Luxy was safe and happy somewhere.

Mother went on digging up the backyard for days. She examined every rag and every piece of wood, pottery, or metal she found. Occasionally I saw her smile as she put something in her pocket. I still didn't know what she was doing.

Finally, she proudly held out her treasures for me to see. She had found a piece of her gold bracelet, twisted and flattened. Her gold butterfly pin was mostly intact, except for the wings, which were broken. She even found her silver hair pin, crushed flat and caked with dirt.

“I have finally been rewarded for all that digging. I found these in the most unlikely places. They were buried deep in the earth. The bomb's
force
was tremendous.”

“They're all broken and dirty. What good are they?” I said with disappointment.

“Mr. Han, the jewelry craftsman, can melt these pieces down and make something new. He will buy these from me.”

Mother was right. The jeweler did buy those scraps from her, and she earned enough money for a special Requiem Mass for my father. She asked Father Lee to have the organist and the choir there. She ordered a large bundle of fresh flowers and arranged for refreshments afterwards for all the relatives and friends who came to the Mass.

Myungdong Cathedral was filled with people. All the women sat on the left side and the men on the right. I looked over at my four brothers, who all looked very handsome. Mother and I stood across from them. Just this once, I wished we could all sit together. I felt terribly sad and wanted the whole family together. But that was not allowed.

Teacher Yun, who was Presbyterian, and Bokhi, who was Buddhist, cautiously walked into the cathedral and sat together at the end of a pew. They bowed to Mother when we looked over. I could tell Bokhi was scared to be in a Catholic church for the first time. Behind Inchun was his science teacher, with whom he had spent so much time in Pusan. He gently touched Inchun on the shoulder to say hello, and Inchun turned and bowed.

Standing next to his three older brothers, Inchun looked very grown up. He was now one of the men. He did everything with our older brothers these days. He played basketball with them and went hiking with them.
On Sundays, he went to Mass with them. They were inseparable. It was as if they had made a pact to spend every possible minute together to make up for the time they had been apart during the war. Inchun loved being with his older brothers and no longer had any reason to spend time with me. Though he still loved me, I was a girl, after all, and he had little business hanging around with me. I saw Mother look over at the boys, and suddenly I felt lonesome, alone, and different from all of them.

Under the morning light, the tall stained-glass windows of Myungdong Cathedral cast bright blue and purple shadows on our faces. The organ started to play as Father Lee slowly walked down the aisle in his black funeral vestment. How sad that our first big Mass together since we had returned from Pusan had to be for such a somber occasion. I faithfully mouthed the prayers and songs and walked up to the altar for communion, but my mind was a million miles away. I felt anxious and confused. I was tired of this war that kept haunting me. I looked at the beautiful cathedral and remembered how delighted I used to be to come here. The wondrous stained-glass windows depicting the saints used to fill me with awe. The sun filtering through these colored windows and the resounding organ music used to transport me to another world. But, now, I just felt unhappy and restless.

I heard Father Lee say, “He has moved to the next world, for God has called him. But his spirit is still with us. His spirit will always be with those he loves. So let us rejoice in his joining God in Heaven.”

Suddenly, I felt distanced from everything that was going on around me, and I just wanted to go far away. I knew I had to do something, and as I stood there, I decided I must push forward with my plans to go abroad, to see new and wonderful things.

Life in Seoul slowly returned to normal. Hanchun went back to veterinary school at Seoul University parttime, and worked part-time as a doctor's assistant. Jaechun took literature classes at the nearby university in the mornings, and in the afternoons he worked at the CIA office as a translator. He grew very serious, and never breathed a word about his work. He would come home late at night and lock himself up in his room with mysterious documents. Whenever we went into his room to see him, everything was carefully hidden away. Hyunchun started attending the foreign language school two days a week, and the rest of the time he taught at a local typing school. Between the three of them, they brought home enough money for us to live on.

Still determined to go to the United States for college, I kept studying as hard as I could. After Mass one day, I waited by the side door of Father Lee's vestibule. When he emerged, I asked him if he would speak to Bishop Roh on my behalf to help me obtain a scholarship to one of the Catholic colleges in the United States.

“Your mother told me you wanted to study abroad, Sookan. But you will have to pass the government tests first, and they are so difficult that many college graduates I know are taking the test for the second or third time. Why are you in such a hurry? You are still too young. Go to Ewha University for the next four years and then we will talk about it.”

He must have noticed how hurt and disappointed I was, because he then said he would discuss it with my brothers and my mother later in the week. He was sure, though, that they would agree I was too young to leave home.

I enrolled myself in English classes that were given in the evenings downtown. After finishing the day at Ewha, I would head straight to my English grammar, conversation, and composition classes and not get home until late at night. Mother always kept dinner warm for me. As I ate, she would fill me in on all the news at home and in the neighborhood.

She often asked me if I could stop attending my evening classes so I could come home earlier and spend some time with the family. But I refused to give in, and after a while, Mother stopped asking. Instead, she bought me a bunch of candles for my room so that I could study as late as I wished. The bombs had downed all the electrical lines, and it would take a while before we got power back because we were far away from the center of the city.

My intensive preparation for the government exam left me no time to spend with Bokhi after school. We always made sure to take walks together during recess, and hand in hand, we wandered the well-manicured gardens of Ewha. Bokhi no longer spoke of sand castles and pebbles. She was now too busy taking care of her new, large family. As the oldest girl in the family, she took care of her uncle and aunt and did all the housekeeping and cooking for her little cousins. Although she was busy with all of these responsibilities, she looked content and pretty. She often asked how my brothers were doing, and lately she seemed to show particular interest in Hyunchun. I had seen her looking over at him during the Requiem Mass, but I hadn't thought much about it. Now I started to notice how flushed she became whenever she asked about him.

Perhaps she felt the same way about Hyunchun as I had about junho. I suddenly remembered Haerin and smiled. I would not be as jealous and protective as Haerin had been. I thought about it for a while, then said, “Bokhi, I've been having trouble in home economics class. I'm so behind on our final project that I haven't even finished embroidering the edges of the tablecloth yet. I like embroidery, but it takes so long and I just don't have the time lately.”

“But you embroider so nicely,” Bokhi said, trying to encourage me. “Mrs. Ho even said so when she gave you your interim grade. Before the war, you and I were the best in the whole school, remember?”

I looked around to make sure none of my classmates were around and said, “Don't tell Mrs. Ho, but my mother saw that I had fallen asleep over my embroidery, and she must have stayed up all night finishing my midterm project for me. When I woke up, it was ironed and folded and all packed. I just can't do it anymore.” I sighed for effect.

When I got home that night, I told Mother that I was sure Bokhi was hopelessly in love with Hyunchun. Mother smiled and said, “Poor Bokhi! Hyunchun thinks of her as a little girl. He sees her as his kid sister's friend.”

But I knew things would soon change. Bokhi now had an excuse to visit frequently. She immediately started coming over to help me with my embroidery. She came often in her pretty dresses. As the deadline for my project drew nearer, she started staying later and later. As she worked on my tablecloth, she chatted and laughed with my mother. I was glad to see Bokhi and my mother so happy in each other's company. Bokhi had lost her mother and my mother would soon be losing me, in a sense. It was not long before Hyunchun noticed how pretty and talented Bokhi was. Hyunchun had a sharp eye when it came to girls.

I realized that Bokhi no longer came to see me. As long as Hyunchun was home, I don't think she even noticed whether I was there or not. It was hard to be shoved aside, even though I was the one who had brought the situation about. Studying in my room, I could hear my mother, Bokhi, and Hyunchun talking. Hyunchun had started coming home earlier and earlier, and would check in on their progress. He had suddenly developed quite an interest in embroidery, and always seemed to have lots of questions. His hearty laughter blended with that of my mother and Bokhi, and I suddenly felt strange. I wanted to close my books and rush to join them. Better yet, I would take Bokhi out for a walk and come back alone to sit with Mother and Hyunchun myself.

A gust of cold wind blew through my open window, and the fresh air helped clear my head. I had to laugh. How silly I was being! Petty and jealous, just like someone I once knew! I smiled at the thought of Haerin yanking Junho's sleeve when Junho and I tried to linger and talk. I should be happy that my best friend, my brother, and my mother were getting along so well.

The irony of it all! I studied furiously so that I could leave here, while Bokhi tried so hard to become part of my family. I wondered why I wasn't happy staying at home and why I wanted so desperately to go far away.

My three brothers worked continually on the house. They put walls back up so that each of us would have our own bedroom, as we had before. Hanchun began filling his room with medical textbooks, which delighted Inchun, who constantly borrowed them. With his colored pencils, Inchun would copy the diagrams of skeletons, labeling each bone with its Latin name. Jaechun once again started to collect all sorts of literature, as he used to before the war. He built himself a wall of bookshelves, which he quickly filled. Books in English, Russian, Chinese, Korean, and Japanese were neatly arranged in alphabetical order, just like a library. I checked Jaechun's book collection every day, and almost always found that something new had been added. He even picked up halftom or charred books and placed them carefully on his shelves. He also began to collect classical music records, which he listened to as he read late into the night. I liked hearing the soft strains of Bach fill the house as I studied.