Eden (30 page)

He closes his eyes, his face sinking into peacefulness.  He
doesn't smile, but I can see it inside him.  He has no strength for smiles, and
even our brief conversation has worn him out.  A breath eases out of his lips,
and he's still.  Absolutely still.  Is he even breathing?

My eyes dart to West, who is now sitting beside me in the
chair where the girl sat before, but leaning forward, close.  He's always right
by Kade's side, isn't he?  Now where did that thought come from?

West shakes his head minutely, brushing off my concern.  He
says nothing, but gazes at Kade's face.  A long, sad gaze.  But there is also
acceptance.  So he has known.  This didn't happen suddenly.

I have so many questions, and I need answers, though it may
be cruel to ask.  I don't think West will hold it against me.  This brief
encounter, and Kade is sleeping—I'm sure of it.  I can't ask my questions here,
but I'm not going anywhere.  Maybe I'll just pull West to the other side of the
room for a moment.  I glance around.  There's a couch, a whole sitting area, even,
at one side of the room near the large window.  The curtains are drawn, now,
soft lamps lit in the corners.  Yes, maybe we can just sit for a moment and
talk.

But even as I consider it, I gaze back at my brother,
sleeping peacefully.  No.  I'm not going anywhere.  Not across the room.  Not
anywhere.  Whatever my questions, the answers don't matter.  All that matters
is that I'm here, and that I'm not leaving.  My questions will be answered in
time.

I glance back at Apollon, who has sat himself on the floor,
leaning against the doorframe.  I meet his eyes, and we both sigh.  Then I look
at Kade's face, and I try to fix it in my mind forever.  We have such a brief
time together.  I want to remember him.  I want to take a piece of him with me.

Chapter 30: Taken From
Us

Darkness has passed, sleepy and nodding, vision-blurring,
brain-blending.  My chin has dipped a thousand times toward the blankets, my
back aching, shoulders weary.  West, slouched in the chair, nodded me toward
the other side of the large bed partway through the night.  I could have slept
there, on top of the blankets, beside my brother.  But then I would have missed
these moments.  These horrible, lonely moments.  I want to be awake in my
grief, to try to grab onto what I can before it passes.

There's duty, and boredom.  Incredibly uncomfortable, long
and dreary hours.  I want to crumple into a pile and sleep, but I can't allow
myself to.  West makes no such efforts, leaning crooked on one arm, snoring.

Blinking to stay awake, I study his face.  The dark circles
under his eyes.  He's been doing this for a while.  It's worn him thin.  He
should be so much more vibrant.

The thought is enough to shock me awake for a while.  I
don't know these people.  I'm not Lily.  But then I look at Kade—at my
brother—and I know I'm wrong.  I
do
know them.  Possibly better than I
know myself.  I know that they're my family.  That I would do anything to
protect them.  And now... just as I've found them... I'm losing everything.  I
bend over my brother and weep quietly, thankful that he doesn't hear me. 
West's hand touches my back, makes me weep harder, pouring out my grief.  He
unwinds himself from the chair and pulls me into his arms.  I lean into his
shoulder, smearing my face against his shirt.  His scent is like home—like
everything I've ever missed—all the unidentifiable longings and comforts and
forgotten dreams.  Sinking into him, I'm sinking into myself.  Whatever I've
been fighting for so long, I'm letting it go willingly, now.  This place, these
people—they are mine, undeniably.  Whatever expectations Wynwood failed to
meet, I've found them here in the space of a grief-filled night.  In a hug.  In
some shared tears.

Morning's light creeps under the edge of the curtains, slow
at first, then in a thin, strong outline.  I've finished crying, and I sit on
the bed beside Kade, watching him sleep and sleep.  West watches both of us in
silence.

By the door, Apollon stirs and yawns.  As he sits up and
stretches, he asks, "Is there a bathroom?"

"Down the hall on the far left," West says.

The suggestion is almost too much, making me suddenly aware
of my own needs, so when Apollon returns I excuse myself for a moment, even
though I don't want to leave for the shortest span.  I stumble through the
house into the bathroom, which is cool and beautiful, and relieve myself, then
splash water on my puffy face.  There's a huge bathtub—the biggest I've ever
seen.  It would be intriguing if I had any energy at all.  As it is, I stare at
it, blinking, before I realize I'm just standing there.  Then I walk,
half-disoriented, into the hall.  I second-guess myself when it comes to
finding the way back, stop in the hall for a moment, turn around, and then keep
going.  It's not that confusing, really.  It shouldn't be.  The lack of sleep
is playing with my brain.

When I walk into Kade's room, it's all familiar again.  I
know this room too well after spending the night studying its walls, its
curtains, its furniture.  All the things I looked at when looking at my
brother's dying face became too much to bear.

Apollon and West stand together now, at the bed side. 
Murmuring to each other.  They stop and look at me.  There's a wariness on
Apollon's face.  He's worried about me.

I manage a small smile as I walk to his side, leaning against
his arm as I look at Kade.  I sigh.

After a moment, he says, "I was going to go scrounge us
some food from the kitchen.  Can you eat?"

I sigh again.  "...I don't know."  I feel like I
shouldn't be able to eat when my brother is dying, but I'm famished.

"I'll bring you something," Apollon says, patting
me on the shoulder before he goes.

I sit on the edge of the bed and watch Kade sleep. 

West draws the curtains open quietly.  When he speaks, he
keeps his voice low.  "He likes the sunshine.  Likes to know when it's day
and when it's night."

I nod, though I think he's not looking at me.  It doesn't
matter.  Now would be a good time to ask some questions, but I no longer have
an appetite for the answers. 
What
is killing my brother no longer seems
to make any difference.

 West comes back to the bedside chair.  We sit in silence
until Apollon returns with food.  He has a big silver tray piled with fruit and
bread and cheese.  Some ceramic mugs and a matching pot of steaming coffee.

I can't get my hands on the coffee fast enough.  I chug down
a cup and a half before I slow myself down.  Apollon pours my cup full again
when I set it down, and West shoves a bit of bread and cheese into my hand.

"Eat."

I obey, tearing into it and gulping it down half-chewed.  At
first I think I'm starving.  Then I know I'm not.  I'm trying to eat my grief. 
Trying to make it go away, consume it.  I let myself finish the bread and
cheese, then I dust off my hands and turn back to my brother.  My stomach feels
like it wants to reject everything, but if I can keep it down, it will give me
some strength later.

There is another long span of sitting.  The morning sun is
high in the sky, the room filled with a warm wash of sunlight.  I watch Kade,
still as a corpse, looking for a sign that he's breathing.  The slightest
movement of his lips as air passes through.  I wonder if he's ever going to
wake again.  Of course he will.  Of course he will.  But what would I do if he
didn't?  If that one little exchange was all we ever got?

My imaginings have turned utterly gloomy.  Full of despair. 
But finally, my brother opens his eyes.  West pours water from a bedside
pitcher, helps Kade to lift his head and drink.  He can only manage a few
sips.  Then he lays back, closing his eyes again, catching his breath.  Taking
a drink of water, for him, is worse than me climbing all those levels of
stairs.

West sits in his chair, leaning his elbows forward on his
knees, studying the floor.

Eventually, Kade opens his eyes and they find my face. 

I lean close to him.  "I'm here."

His lips twitch.  His fingers curl around mine.  He manages
to speak.  "You'll stay."

I squeeze his hand.  "Of course I'll stay.  I'm here
for you."

"After."  His words are clipped in a breathless
sort of way.  Short sentences chosen to convey the most meaning with the least
effort.  "Always."

West's head rises, his eyes scanning.

My lips stumble.  But I can't lie to him.  I shake my head,
my words coming out softly.  "I'll stay as long as you need me," I
assure him, stroking his cheek.  "But...." I swallow the words. 
"But eventually... I have to go back to Wynwood.  That's—"

"No."  The word is as strong as any I've heard him
utter.  He closes his eyes, breathing hard.

I hear Apollon shift by the door.

West reaches out toward the bed.  "Kade..."

"No."

Guilt stabs at me.  Pain.  I don't want to upset him.  It's
the last thing I want to do.  I have so little understanding of all the crazy
vendettas and messed up politics in this city, but I'm certain that he just
wants me to be safe and happy.  I run my fingers over his hair. 
"Hey," I murmur.  "It's OK.  Everything is good.  I'm fine
there.  I have friends."

"No," he insists.  His breathing is more labored
now, but he pushes on.  "I know what you did.  Him.  You're wrong.  Not
friends."

West stands up suddenly.

I glance up at him, but he doesn't look at me.  He bends
over my brother.  "Kade," he says gently, "what's done is done. 
You can't—"

"No!"  Kade glares up at West, his gaze full of
fury.  West takes a step back, going pale.  My brother, who doesn't have the
strength to sit up, manages to lift his head to face me.  He has hold of my
hand, his fingers squeezing.  "They abducted you!"  His words are
punctuated with grief and fury and the last of his effort.  "Stole you in
the night!  Jason is a thief!"  His eyes shine with the fever of what he's
saying, driving it home, then he collapses onto the bed, panting.

West combs his fingers through his hair as he walks to the
window.

I stare at my brother, open-mouthed.  His breathing is
irregular, turning into a fit of coughing.  I help him roll onto his side until
it passes.  West turns back and looks at us with wide eyes, but stays where he
is.  I rub Kade's back to sooth his labored breathing.  "It's OK," I
murmur, but my mind is racing.  Could this be true?  He's not lying to me.  Of
course he's not.  But it can't be true.  It can't.

"...I... I went after Jason," I hear myself
saying.  Cool tears hang onto my lower eyelashes.  "I must have cared for
him."  I look across the room at West.  "I know I cared for
him."

West's expression is frozen in a sort of horror.  He opens
his mouth like he might say something, but he can't seem to get it out.

Kade croaks, "Who knows what he did to you."  He
rolls his face toward the pillow, curling in on himself like he's in so much
pain.

I blink, and tears start dropping one at a time from my
eyes, though I experience a strange distance from the pain.  I'm thinking of
Outpost Three and Matt's two beautiful, perfectly-trained slaves, and the VR
machine.  Do they love him?  Do they think they love him?  Is that what it's
like to be brainwashed?

I'm shaking myself—physically shaking myself, wanting to
make these thoughts all go away.  I feel used and dirty and sick to my
stomach.  I thrust to my feet, turning away because I think I'm going to puke.

Apollon catches me by the shoulder and guides me out of the
room.  "Fresh air."  But no sooner are we in the hallway than I'm
trying to turn back.

"I can't leave," I say, my voice filled with
panic.  "I can't."

"OK.  OK," Apollon says, taking me by the arms and
turning me to face him.  "Deep breaths.  In?  And out.  Good.  In.  And—"

I pull away from him and go back into the room.

West is whispering to Kade and my brother is shaking his
head, clamping his eyes shut.  Whatever their exchange, they clearly disagree,
but when I come back in they break off suddenly.  Kade lies panting, trying to
catch his breath.  West's face is filled with concern, but he's clearly upset. 
Whatever it is, though, he obviously defers to Kade.

I run my hands over my face, feeling the world swirl around
me.  I'm exhausted and nothing makes sense.  There's way too much emotion and
no way to understand it all.  I feel myself swaying, and I'm suddenly afraid
that my body is not going to hold up to all this much longer.

Apollon's hands steady my shoulders.  "Easy," he
murmurs.  "We'll figure it all out."

I manage a small nod and lean back against him as he hugs
me.  For a moment, I sag, letting him support me.  When I finally open my eyes,
West is looking at us.  His eyes move from me to Kade, and I catch the subtle
communication.  The concern.

I walk to the other side of the bed now, and climb up to sit
by my brother's knees.  I place one hand on his leg.

Kade opens his eyes.  Our exchange has weakened him, leaving
me filled with guilt.  I can feel him leaving me already, and I only want to
ease his pain.

"Lily," he whispers, moving his hand toward mine,
but falling way short.  "Stay.  Brickell.  T's always been yours.  They
need you."  He closes his eyes, and again I'm frightened that he'll never
open them.  But he does.  He looks at me and says, "I have t' talk t' West
now.  I love you."

"I love you too," I stammer, new tears brimming my
eyes.  I lean over to kiss his forehead, then wipe my spilled tears from his
hair.  Climbing off the bed, I leave the room like I'm running from something. 
I am.  I know exactly what's coming.

In the hallway, I sink against the wall, wrapping my arms
around myself, my face scrunching into a twisted mess of grief.  Apollon sits
beside me and pulls me into his arms, rocking me, soothing me.  But there's no
comfort in the long moments that follow.  No relief or recourse.  I hear
Death's footsteps walking down the hall.  Or maybe it's my own rushing
heartbeat.  Maybe I'm crazy.  But I squeal and curl into a trembling ball in
Apollon's arms, and I can't be soothed.

Everything
is wrong.

There's a disconnectedness.  A
there
and a
here
. 
Another time, a later time.  I'm lying still, half-sprawled on the tile floor,
my head in Apollon's lap, him stroking my hair away from my forehead.  West
steps into the hall and says nothing.  He doesn't look at us.  Just turns and
goes back into the room.  Half of him goes back into the room.  Half is
missing.

I sit up and look at the empty doorway for a long, long
time.

"Do you want to go in?" Apollon whispers.

I shake my head, turning it away.  There's nothing in there
that I want to see.  "I need to sleep," I choke out, scrambling to my
feet.

Apollon guides me down the hall to an alcove with a plush
couch and some matching chairs.  I collapse into the couch, face first, and
wait for darkness to find me.