Edenbrooke (26 page)

“Only three more days until the ball,” she said.

I nodded, keeping my gaze on the bridge as I worked on making the angles of the arch look just right. If I looked at just the angles and stones, I could train myself to not think of Philip riding toward the bridge with a whistle on his lips. It was hard work, but I was subduing my heart a little more every day.

“I don’t know what I will do if Sir Philip doesn’t come back in time for the ball,” she said, flopping down on my bed. Her golden hair fanned around her face as she pouted at the ceiling. “I have spent hours planning exactly how I’m going to make him declare his feelings for me, and if he isn’t here I will be so disappointed I will die. You don’t know what it’s like to have all of your hopes for your future happiness pinned on one man. The suspense is excruciating!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure you will not die of disappointment, Cecily. And if Sir Philip is going to declare himself, he will probably find an opportunity to do so without your scheming.”

I thought I had my heart firmly under control, but the words I spoke caused sharp stabs of pain. The thought of Philip declaring himself to Cecily was too much for me to contemplate.

“Perhaps Mr. Kellet will come and keep you entertained if Sir Philip isn’t here in time,” I said. I couldn’t keep the touch of malice out of my voice, but Cecily didn’t appear to notice.

“I hope so,” she said, rolling over onto her stomach. “I made sure he was on the guest list.”

“See? You will have plenty of . . . pleasure to look forward to.”

She smiled with a faraway look in her eyes, as if remembering something enjoyable.

“I wonder who is the better kisser—Sir Philip or Mr. Kellet?” She looked at me. “Who would you rather kiss?”

“Neither,” I lied.

“Hmm. I don’t know either. But I’ll be sure to let you know when I find out.”

Resentment surged within me. “If you do find out, please don’t tell me. There are some things I would rather not hear.”

“By the way,” she said, “whatever happened with Mr. Beaufort?”

I was surprised to realize I hadn’t told her. But then, I had hardly talked to Cecily at all since Philip left.

“He offered for me, and I rejected him. That is all.”

“Good. I didn’t want to tell you at the time, but I think there’s something not quite right about him.”

I thought of his shallow eyes and had to agree with her assessment.

Before she left, she looked over my shoulder at my drawing. “You have a real gift for art. You’re much better at it than I will ever be.”

“Thank you.” What a nice thing to say. I looked at my drawing, then up into my sister’s face. I had let my feelings for Philip come between us, and I was sorry for it. I set down my pencil and turned to her. “Cecily, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, of course.”

I took a deep breath, gathering my courage, and asked, “Did you want me to come to Edenbrooke? Or was it Lady Caroline’s idea?”

She tilted her head. “What made you ask that?”

I held her gaze. “Just tell me, please.”

Cecily tucked a strand of my hair back into its twist. “It may have been Lady Caroline’s idea, but of course I wanted you. You’re my sister.”

She said it so matter-of-factly that I believed her. My heart lifted and I smiled. It felt so strange to smile, and such a relief at the same time, that I had to stop and think about the last time I had smiled. I couldn’t remember a single instance of happiness since Philip had left.

“I think we need to spend more time together,” Cecily said. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.” I felt a real fondness for her in that moment, and after she left, I continued to smile.

The next afternoon I was sketching the view from the library window when Rachel found me. I almost had the orchard complete. When I painted it, I would make the sky look overcast, as it looked the day Philip and I spent in here.

“Oh, here you are,” she said. “I’ve been looking for you.”

I looked up from my drawing. She came toward me with a smile. “I have just received a letter from William.”

I stared at her. Did men really write home to their wives while they were off . . . carousing?

“I knew you would want to hear it,” she continued, as she closed the door and came to sit next to me, “as it mentions Philip.”

Dread made my heart pound hard. I shook my head. “No, I don’t. I can’t imagine there is anything in there I am interested in hearing.”

“Come now, you can be honest with me. I’ve seen how you’ve been moping around the house, and if it’s not Philip you’re pining for, it’s William, and that would not suit me well at all.”

I frowned at my drawing. “I am not pining for anyone.”

“Nonsense. Of course you are.” She smiled brightly at me, then looked at her letter. “Let’s see. It sounds like they are really enjoying themselves. Oh, here is the part I wanted to read to you: ‘Philip has fallen in love with a real beauty, with nice legs and beautiful lines. He thinks the price is too dear, but I would not be surprised if he brings her home in the end.’”

I felt as if I were being strangled. “I have no wish to hear about Philip’s . . . conquests,” I choked out.

Rachel looked up. “No, dear, you know they aren’t participating this year.”

I could not look her in the face. They weren’t participating? What did that mean? I didn’t know
that
much about these things.

“They’re . . . not?”

She looked at me curiously. “No, because Philip gave that horse to you to ride instead. I thought you knew.”

“That horse?” Some part of my mind was not working properly, obviously, because I could not fathom what a horse had to do with any of this. “Do you mean Meg?”

She waved dismissively. “Whatever the name is.”

I was working hard to assemble this puzzle, but without success. “What does Meg have to do with whether or not they . . .
participate
?” I blushed saying the word.

She stared at me as if I were daft, then set the letter down on her lap and spoke slowly and carefully. “Well, my dear, they need a horse in order to participate in the races. And they didn’t take a horse this year, because Philip gave you a racehorse to ride and then didn’t want to take her away from you.”

I gaped at her. “Races? Horse races?”

“Yes. They’re at Newmarket. I thought you knew that.”

“But—but you told me that your father would not have approved of what they were doing.”

“No, it’s true, he never did approve of racing.” She sighed. “But there are a lot worse ways for a man to spend his free time, so I don’t stop William from going.” She smoothed her hand over the letter in an affectionate gesture. “It has been a dream of his, all along, to breed racehorses, but of course it’s not financially possible for us. To be honest, I have suspected that Philip might be doing all of this more for William’s sake than for his own interest.” She smiled a little wistfully. “He never has forgiven himself for inheriting everything, you know.”

A surge of emotion was struggling against the bands I had placed around my heart. It beat hard. I felt it awaken, stir, and stretch. My hands trembled.

“I didn’t know,” I murmured.

She laughed lightly. “Well, what did you think they were doing?”

I looked away in embarrassment. “Um . . . I thought . . . I assumed . . . they were involved in a different sort of . . . behavior.”

Rachel suddenly gasped. “Conquests? You didn’t really think—” She burst into laughter. “Oh, it’s no wonder you’ve been acting so miserable since they left! You poor thing.” She put an arm around my shoulder as she laughed, but I was too mortified to join in.

After a moment, she pulled away and said gently, “But how could you suspect Philip of such behavior? Considering how close you two are, I would have thought that you would know his character better than that. Don’t you know what sort of gentleman Philip is?”

I dropped my head into my hands. “I don’t,” I mumbled. “I don’t know anything.”

“Well, I have known Philip my entire life, and I can tell you what sort of man he is.” I looked up. “The very best kind,” she said, watching me carefully. “And he deserves the very best kind of lady for his wife. But I don’t think Cecily fits that description. Do you?”

I looked at her sharply. Guilt for secretly agreeing with Rachel battled with loyalty within me. Loyalty won.

“No, you’re mistaken. Cecily has some wonderful qualities. She is well-suited for the sort of elegant lifestyle Sir Philip can provide.”

Rachel smiled kindly. “It’s obvious what you’re doing, and you are very noble to try to step out of the way for your sister. But she’s not the one Philip wants.”

I regarded her in silence, wanting to believe her. But what if she was just meddling, like Lady Caroline? How could I dare allow myself to hope? My will battled with my heart, and I . . . I sat, stunned, with my heart begging me to hope.

“Do you know what I think?” Rachel asked.

I shook my head.

She held up the letter from William. “I think that Philip has been just as miserable as you since he left, which leads me to believe that something has come between you two.”

I touched my cheek, trying to smooth away my blush. “There was nothing to come between us. We have been friends. That is all.”

She raised both eyebrows. “Philip does not look at you the way a man looks at his friend.”

I looked away, embarrassed and miserable. “That’s just because he’s a flirt. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

“A flirt? Whatever gave you that idea?”

I blinked in surprise. “I thought it was common knowledge. Miss Fairhurst led me to believe that everyone knew about his reputation.”

Rachel looked astonished. “You believed Miss Fairhurst? Really, Marianne, I thought you had more sense than that.”

I stared at her. “You mean, he’s
not
a flirt?”

She looked at me for a long moment, as if debating what to say. “I won’t deny that many ladies have fallen in love with him, but I will tell you this: I have never seen Philip behave toward anyone the way he behaves toward you.”

My thoughts spun as every assumption on which I had built my understanding of Philip dissolved. I looked at my hands in my lap and saw them trembling.

“Rachel, I am willing to admit that I have been fooled, and confused, and very naïve. But if Philip did feel something for me, why didn’t he say anything?”

She leaned toward me, speaking urgently. “Marianne, you must understand that Philip has a very strong sense of what it means to be a gentleman. And, according to his principles, he couldn’t court you, considering the circumstances.”

I was confused. “What do you mean? What circumstances?”

“You have been in a very vulnerable position, with your father far away and without another man to protect you. Philip took on a guardian’s role when he took you in as his guest. Indeed, he told your grandmother that he would act as your protector while you stayed here.

“How could he declare himself while he was in that position of responsibility toward you? Don’t you see how his sense of honor as a gentleman would have prevented that, unless he was sure of your feelings? He wouldn’t take advantage of your vulnerability by declaring himself while you were so obligated to him.”

I twisted my hands together while my thoughts reeled. Why had I never considered any of this? Probably for the same reason I had hidden my feelings for Philip from myself. I didn’t want to face what could potentially break my heart. And then there was the issue of Cecily’s feelings.

“Of course,” Rachel said, “if he
was
certain of your feelings, he probably would have said something.”

I laughed a little. “
I
wasn’t even certain of my feelings. And then there was the fact that Cecily had claimed him first.”

Rachel nodded. “I thought as much. But if Philip had loved Cecily, or had even been interested in her, he would have courted her in London. So I think you can put aside that doubt. The real question is, what are you going to do to encourage Philip to declare himself to you?”

My mouth fell open. “Do? What do you mean? I’m not going to do anything! I don’t even know how Philip feels about me.”

Rachel scoffed. “Philip has been wearing his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see. He obviously loves you. But everyone needs some encouragement, and I think you need to be prepared to offer some encouragement when Philip returns.”

She left me after that, smiling as if she was very pleased with herself.

Standing, I paced back and forth in front of the fireplace. My thoughts tumbled furiously. Philip and William were at Newmarket at the horse races, not off carousing. I wondered how I could have misunderstood Rachel when we had first discussed the men’s trip. I couldn’t remember the exact words we had exchanged, but I had felt certain that I knew what she had been talking about.

Words were such slippery things. I could take Rachel’s words and understand them in one way, and then look at them again from her perspective and understand them in a completely different way. The same thing had happened when I had listened to her read from William’s letter. I’d felt certain he was referring to Philip falling in love with a woman, not a horse.

Was there something flawed about my thinking? Or had one wrong assumption led to another? Words alone were ambiguous, unreliable. But what could be reliable, if not words?

I was so caught up in trying to understand how I had made my mistake in judgment that I almost overlooked a significant part of my conversation with Rachel. I had been right about Philip’s character. Rachel had confirmed what I had initially thought—that Philip was a gentleman and that he would not participate in the sorts of activities I had suspected him of.

Perhaps I was right about something else, too. Perhaps I was right when I thought that Philip really did care for me, if only as a friend. Maybe—just maybe—I had misinterpreted what he had told William in the fencing room.

Maybe he felt honor-bound not to declare himself while he was responsible for me and that’s why he said he wanted to be rid of his responsibility toward me. I turned from the thought. It was too much to hope for.