Edge of the Past (27 page)

“You and Sergei argue,” Elena said. “He is angry.”

“How much did you hear?”

“I hear most.” She peeked at the mirror and then dipped her head. “It make me remember so many years ago when I tell Sergei I cannot marry him.”

“Your father didn’t give you a choice.”

Elena raised her eyes to mine. “And I do not give you one.”

So, she was suddenly aware of how much her actions resembled her father’s. I was curious how she would justify it.

“No, you didn’t,” I said, losing patience.

Elena fiddled with the sash of her trench coat. With her bright red lips pinched together, I couldn’t tell if she was irritated or regretful.

She paced to the middle of the room, her heels clapping noisily on the wood floor. “When I bring Liza here, and I see how she take to you and Sergei, I fear I lose her. I lose everything once, and it cannot happen again. Without Liza, I am alone.”

“I told you many times Sergei and I would never have taken Liza from you.”

“I cannot trust that. All I see is Liza admire you, and she want to leave me.” Elena’s voice cracked. “I see only way to stop this is to make you and Sergei part.”

“Leaving me with nothing,” I stated. “Just like you ten years ago.”

My stomach turned, and I shut my eyes, letting Elena’s admission sink in. The mistakes I’d made with Liza… those weren’t the reason Elena had acted the way she did. She’d used them as excuses to mask her other fears. When I looked at Elena, she lowered her head again.

“So, all along it hasn’t really been about protecting Liza,” I said. “It’s been about protecting yourself.”

“You must understand,“ Elena said shakily. “I try to be near to Liza, but she keep distant from me. When we are in Russia, I do not know how to make her happy, and I feel she never see me as her mother. This make me so hurt…”

She held her fist to her mouth and then pulled it away, clenching her hand tighter. “I should not lose so many years with her. If my father not send her away, she do not see me as cousin only. But I cannot change this… I can change only now, and I try to keep my daughter close. This is all I want… you must see.”

And I did see it through the desperation in her eyes. As messed up as the situation was, I did understand. But I couldn’t take any more of it – the anguish, the pleas, the despair. I was talked out, and I just wanted to be away from Elena.

“I do see. And I don’t think there’s much more to say.”

I left Elena staring into the mirror, and I hurried out the side exit to avoid Sergei and Liza. Outside in the misty drizzle, I walked slowly to my car, thinking about my conversation with Elena as I trudged through shallow puddles. The chill of the rain on my face made me more alert, more aware of what I’d just heard.

When Elena’s father had ripped Sergei and Liza from her, he’d done irreparable damage. Even with Liza back in her life, Elena lived in fear that she would lose her daughter again. Add to that the fact she couldn’t have more children, and her tight hold on Liza made further sense.

I climbed into my car and leaned back against the headrest. If I’d experienced the heartache Elena had… if I’d been raised by a man like Ivan, who taught Elena not to trust anyone… would I have behaved the same way she had?

The door of the rink opened, and Sergei, Elena, and Liza appeared on the steps. I slunk down in my seat and watched through the rain-spotted windshield as Sergei helped Liza raise the hood on her raincoat. She said something and giggled, and Sergei smiled and put his arm around her.

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Sergei was where he needed to be.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I pulled the four cheese baked macaroni out of the oven and set it on a trivet to cool. All weekend I’d channeled my emotions into kneading fresh pasta and cooking dishes for Chris. He was undergoing surgery the next morning, and I’d promised to make his favorite meals to put in his freezer. His mom was coming from Baltimore to stay with him for a few weeks, but I knew from his horror stories about her cooking that he didn’t want her feeding him.

Removing my oven mitts, I started for the sink but stopped when the doorbell rang. A mixture of dread and excitement twisted my insides. I hadn’t heard from Sergei since we’d argued at the rink. I couldn’t handle fighting with him again, but I couldn’t deny how much I wanted to see him.

I walked deliberately up to the foyer and checked the window beside the door. Chris stood on the mat. My shoulders dropped with both relief and disappointment.

I opened the door with a smile. “Hey, I was going to bring all the food over to your place.”

“My mom just got in, and I wanted to talk to you without her around.”

Chris wore his serious face, which I didn’t see often.
Did he find out about Sergei and me?
I’d been waiting to tell him after his surgery.

Leading him down to the kitchen, I asked, “What’s up?”

He shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and leaned against the door frame. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

I played with my necklace, and before I could reply, Chris added, “About us moving to New York?”

“What?”

“I was reading the message boards on Figure Skating Central, looking for any off-season gossip, and someone posted that they saw Sergei at Liza’s old rink today. He was taking a tour and asking about the facilities and the coaches. They said it sounded like he wants to set up camp there.”

I couldn’t speak, and my limbs went numb.
Sergei’s leaving the Cape?

“I guess Elena gave in? She and Liza are moving to New York?” Chris asked. When I didn’t answer, his eyebrows bent. “You knew he was there, didn’t you?”

I slowly shook my head, the only part of my body I could move. “I haven’t talked to him much lately,” I said quietly. “I broke up with him.”

It was Chris’s turn to be speechless. He sputtered, and I spilled everything that had happened.

“So, I’m not sure Sergei’s plans include you and me moving to New York with him,” I finished.

“Em…” Chris came over and hugged me. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to stress you out before your surgery. I knew you’d worry about how it would affect our training. I thought it might be okay once things settled down, but if Sergei’s going to New York…”

Chris stepped back and rested against the counter. “Do you really think he’s gonna leave us? What about all his other teams?”

“I… I don’t know.” My voice became faint. “Maybe Elena doesn’t want him coaching us or maybe he wants to get away from me.”

“I just don’t think he’d give up the chance to coach us to an Olympic gold medal,” Chris said. “Not after all the work we’ve done together.”

“Sometimes we have to make tough decisions.” My eyes clouded, and I grabbed a napkin.

Chris looped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me to his side. “We don’t know for sure what his plans are. You know how many ridiculous rumors there are on the internet. Remember when somebody posted that you and I were dating?”

I laughed through my tears. “Yeah, talk about crazy.”

“It’d be like dating my sister. Ugh.” Chris made a face.

I leaned my head into the crook of his arm and dabbed at my eyes. “The message boards will be on fire when people find out Sergei and I split up. There’ll be rumors flying all over the place about why it happened.”

“Just keep your head down and skate. That’s all you can do. And the second I get cleared by the doc, I’ll be back out there with you, whether it’s here or New York or Alaska.”

I smiled. “Marley might be a little upset if you moved to Alaska.”

Chris hesitated and ran his fingers through his hair. “She might be going away to train somewhere else, too.”

“What? She hasn’t said anything to me.”

“It probably won’t happen for a while. She and Zach haven’t made any plans yet. They’ve just been talking because they feel like their coaches are always gonna favor Aubrey and Nick. Don’t say anything to anyone.”

“I won’t.” I patted Chris’s back. “We’re just two sad sacks of bad news, aren’t we?”

He snorted. “I’m getting out of here. Hanging out with my mom has to be more fun than this.”

“Hey, be nice or I’m keeping all this food for myself.”

Chris dashed to the refrigerator and started snatching the plastic containers of pasta I’d assembled. I laughed at the large stack in his arms. “Hold on, I’ll get some bags. And I still have to divvy up this macaroni.”

When we’d packed his backseat with the meals, Chris gave me a long hug. “You should come have dinner with me and my mom. We have enough food.”

“I’ve been sampling my cooking all day, so I’ll probably skip dinner. Thanks for the offer, though.” I kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you at the hospital tomorrow.”

“I’ll be the one giddy on pain meds.” He smiled.

As he drove away, I stood on the doorstep and breathed in the cool breeze caressing my face. The feeling reminded me of the rush of air hitting my skin when I skated. I needed that sensation now more than ever.

Glancing at my watch, I hurried inside, changed into leggings and a long-sleeved T-shirt, and grabbed my skate bag. The evening public session at the rink was starting soon, and it was usually pretty empty. I’d have the ice mostly to myself. My training mates wouldn’t be around, and Sergei was in New York so no chance of running into him.

I couldn’t get to the rink fast enough. As expected, only two adults occupied the ice, giving me plenty of space to skate as freely as I wanted. I stretched for a few minutes, bouncing to the pop music on the sound system, and then tied the laces on my boots in record time.

I joined the skaters and took long strokes, enjoying the deepness of my edges and the feeling of being one with the ice. The cold air swept over me, and I smiled as goose bumps tickled my neck. Around and around the rink I glided, trying to keep all focus on my body and my skates, but the familiar fresh smell of the ice and the sound of my swooshing blades brought visions of Sergei calling out instructions to me.

I might never see him
standing
by
those
boards again.
He could be completely out of my life.

My pace slowed as the dose of reality stole my energy. I drifted toward the boards and gazed around. I couldn’t imagine the place without Sergei. His smiling face had been the first one I’d seen when I walked into the building four years ago. He’d helped make the rink home for me.

I rubbed my hands over my face and through my hair.
Keep skating. Just keep moving forward.
I made a few swifter strokes, but each scratch of my blades felt like a slice into my heart. I couldn’t escape the memories of Sergei all over the ice – him teaching me, encouraging me. Loving me.

I glided numbly around the rink, sinking further into the past and losing the will to continue forward. Then a very familiar song came on the stereo, and my skates skidded to an abrupt stop.

“When We Dance” by Sting.

Sergei had used the lyrics as part of his marriage proposal. Of all the songs he and I had put on the rink’s playlist, why did that one have to play right now?

I stared down at the ice and saw Sergei on one knee on my snow-covered terrace, a sparkling diamond in his hand. The world had stopped at that moment, and I’d thought that night was the beginning of a lifetime of happiness.

I gasped with a soft cry, and my head shot up. I had to get off the ice before I lost all composure. I scrambled to the bleachers and untied my skates in a frenzy, wishing I could close my ears and not hear Sting singing to his prospective wife.

When I was alone in my car, I gave in to my sobs and wondered how I ever could’ve doubted my future with Sergei. I would’ve gladly dealt with Elena if it meant having Sergei back, and I would’ve worked to be the best stepmother to Liza I could be.

I swiped at my eyes as I thought of the little chats Liza and I had every morning at the rink. I hadn’t expected to form a bond with her so quickly, but she was such a special girl with Sergei’s sweet soul, and I wished we could’ve grown even closer. I probably would’ve made more mistakes while learning how to be a mom, but it would’ve been worth it to have Liza as my stepdaughter.

All the things I’d feared – sharing Sergei, dealing with Elena, being a parent to Liza – those were manageable issues. A life without Sergei… I had no idea how to manage that.

When
is this
hollow feeling in my soul
going to disappear?
Maybe it was better if Sergei did leave town. If I had to see him every day, I would never heal.

By the end of the drive home, I’d cried myself out but knew it wouldn’t take much to set me off again. I was a time bomb of tears, and as I drove into my parking lot, I saw something that reignited my fuse.

Sergei’s SUV.

He wasn’t in the car, so I assumed he’d used his spare key. I hadn’t thought of asking for it in the chaos of breaking up with him.

I plucked a tissue from my bag to wipe my face and then checked my appearance in the rearview mirror. My eyes were red and swollen, but there was no way to hide them. What were the odds I’d get through this conversation without crying again, anyway?

I slowly made my way into the quiet house. No movement came from the kitchen, and the living room sat empty. I turned up the stairs, my heart wrenching with each step. Sergei had to be on the terrace, the place that had just haunted my memories.

Pausing on the top floor landing, I squeezed the banister and moved forward to the open glass door. Sergei looked up at me from the patio table, and the lantern light beamed over his face. A world of anxiousness filled his eyes.

Sergei stood as I stepped onto the creaky wooden floorboards. “I wouldn’t have used my key, but I didn’t know if you’d let me in.”

I walked over to the railing and gazed at the moonlit bay. “I can’t go through a repeat of our last conversation.”

“I have to ask you something, and I need you to tell me the truth.”

I turned to Sergei, and he took two tense steps forward. “Do you really believe everything you said about us not making sense and not belonging together?”