Elemental Fear (20 page)

“I'm sorry” I cried.

“Not as sorry as you will be,” he said before taking the scissors and hacking roughly at my hair. For the first time in what felt like forever I fought back, I scratch at his hands and pushed from my knees trying to get him away from me, I felt the scissors pierce the skin at my neck as the first shreds of  hair fell by my face, I screamed and flailed my arms pulling and fisting at anything I could to try and dislodge him, my position on the floor was a certain disadvantage, he fully covered me with his body to overpower me, my face crunched onto the glass when it hit the floor, but I still fought at him.

“You fucking...bitch
.” He spat, he pressed his knee into my cheek and held me down to the floor. The position I was in now left no room to move. My face, chest and hands were pinned to the floor covered in broken glass, hair stuck to the tears on my face. All I could do was listen to the snip of scissors, the scrape of metal against my chestnut hair. I whimpered, watching helplessly as long curls of my hair mixed with the bloodied shattered glass on the floor. I felt the endless hacking and tugging of my hair, strand after strand fluttering to the floor.

My body numbed after a while to the pain, to the endless frustrated grunts as he pulled at chunks of my hair but the scissors weren’t sharp enough to cut through the thickness so he hacked and hacked until he either pulled the hair out or it snapped under the duress. I stopped crying and lost sense of time. I felt the grip on my hair loosen and the anger dissolve from Elliott. He shuffled to his knees beside me. He dropped the scissors, I watched as the silver blades bounced on the floor as if in slow motion. After an eternity I began to sit up. My muscles protesting, glass fell from my face while some remained imprinted into my face.

“I'm sorry, God Eve...angel...I am so...so fucking sorry. You make me crazy.” He panted, his chest heaving. He kissed my temple. I pushed at his shoulders. I looked into his eyes when I was arms length away and a shudder passed through me at the empty blues staring back at me.

I hate you I wanted more than my next breathe to scream at him. Tears brimmed in my eyes but I refused to allow him the satisfaction of seeing them.

“I need to clean this up before Lou gets home.” I said in a dead tone.

“Angel –“

“Leave...please” I felt nothing, part of me wished for the unconscious state he usually left me in, rather than the bleak emptiness I now suffered. He had taken and broken absolutely everything about me. He had finally broken my spirit; I looked down at the floor and stared at the scissors and glass. How easy it would be to lift them and slice the pain away, bleed out and release me from a world that seemed intent on destroying me. But he had made certain I could never leave, running away was never to be an option because it left my siblings vulnerable to him.

I pulled away when his hand touched my arm.

“What?” He snapped “you make me out to be a fucking animal I’m not going to hurt you I want to hold you, you’re my fucking girlfriend.”

I could have laughed in his face at the absurdity of his words. I looked up at him through my mangled hair and jutted out my jaw in a rare show if defiance. He couldn’t do anything worse than he already had.

“I said I was sorry. This was your fault, so don’t look at me that way”

When I continued to stare at him his eyes changed, I couldn’t decipher if it was anger or – fear. But that would be ridiculous to think he would be afraid of the broken pitiful woman sat on the floor in front of him.

“You make...stop looking at me like that”

I lifted my chin further and stared at him, I knew my eyes were emotionless because I felt empty inside. He had shredded my final piece, I felt manic, and I almost wanted him to react, to take the final step to finishing me. He had taken everything from me and I hated him for it, but worse I hated myself more for being so weak and allowing it. I desired the peace that closing my eyes and not waking would bring.

“Please leave” I whispered.

“What?
”

“I said –“

“I heard what you fucking said. Since when do you tell me what to do?” He growled.

“Since...since it’s not okay...to do...this” I wheezed out. For the first time in years I finally felt
proud of myself, I felt like I had –

A large hand crashed into the side of my face, the impact causing my head to collide with such force against the kitchen cupboard I saw a flash of light before I saw – nothing.

Monday morning I sat stiffly at my desk, trying not to admit to the pain that was encompassing my body. I closed my eyes as I eased myself onto my chair, breathing through it, okay so right about now I did look as if I was in the early stages of labour but so be it. I gritted my teeth as my sore backside made contact with the cushion. I placed my palms face down on the desk to steady the waves pulsating through my body.

Friday Elliot was wild; I had pushed him way pas
t his level of control. He had practically held me captive the entire weekend; he had text Lou from my phone asking if we could have the house to ourselves for the weekend to ‘catch-up’. I had managed to cover some of the cuts and bruises to my face with a little concealer but most were too prominent to hide and my hair was slicked back with so much hair product my head ached.

The attack had been savage and brutal; the last thing I recall was colliding with the kitchen cupboard, which I might add is currently off the hinges hidden under my bed because it has a big dint in it. When I regained consciousness it had taken over an hour for me to drag my body to the bathroom to see the damage he had inflicted this time. Staring at my reflection sickened me; my entire body was an array of purples, blues. My face was covered in blood and cuts from the glass, my lips were split and my mouth tasted metallic from all the blood. I cried when I felt the soreness between my legs and knew instantly that again he had taken me there. As I wiped at myself with a cool flannel I sobbed at what destruction he caused my body. I was always thankful that when he was inside of me I was always passed out, but my body betrayed me to allow me to remember him afterwards. Cuts, bruises and breakages were nothing compared to the pain and utter devastation of having your body violated in that way. I had stared at the vile reflection looking back at me, the weak pathetic ugly mess of a woman. My hair was a matted mess of glass, blood and dismembered strands. I wished to be beautiful, he wouldn’t do this if I was, and he wouldn’t want to spoil the
outer shell if I could be a little pretty. He would want to protect and love me. Not that I had any love for him, maybe this was to punish me for not loving him. Other women wanted him, other women had had him, he was what other people thought of as handsome, but I only saw the ugliness beneath.

A tear escaped my closed eyes and I swiped at it angrily. I couldn’t do that here, not where

Dominic was. I had never been to work before in this much agony, and with so many physical reminders. Elliott had never struck me before and left a bruise or mark on public view, he was extremely vigilant with where marks would appear. I swiped at another tear when I heard the outer lab door open and close as the inner door into the lab opened. There were two doors to enter for fire and contamination reasons. I sucked in a breath and waited to see who it was and if they would come past my office. I prayed it would be one of the analysts that generally ignored me, but as usual no one was listening to my prayers.

“Morning beautiful
.” shouted Johan as he passed the door, his white lab coat catching my eye. “Morning.” I croaked and gritted my teeth when my ribs protested at the movement. I gripped at the table, a wave of nauseating dizziness passed through me. I couldn’t move without causing more torture to my sore body.

I could hear Johan in the changing area whistling away, his usual happy buoyancy did nothing to lift my spirits today.

“So guess who I had dinner...wow you look like hell?” He paused in the door way. Half smiling, half concerned. “What have you done to your face?” He asked stepping closer.

“I'm –“ I gritted my teeth as explosions blaste
d through my body winding me “fine. I'm fine.”

“What the fuck. No, Eve, you are not fine
.” He quickly came to my side and crouched beside me. I tried to compose myself but what happened next destroyed all hope of retaining my composure. He lifted his hand and softly placed it on my shoulder, but because my eyes were closed I didn’t expect it and jumped sending a rippling effect through my body and I screamed out in agony.

“Jesus fucking Christ
!” He shot back falling to his backside, but almost as quickly scrambled to his feet. “Tell me what happened Eve. Were you in an accident, why are you...for fucks sake...I need to get you to the hospital.”

As I gasped for breath trying to control my body I choked out “I'm fine
.”

“The hell you’re fine, Eve you can hardly breath
.” He snapped, I could hear the agitation in his voice and that scared me.

“Please don’t be angry
.” I whispered. And curled my body the best I could away from him.

“Angry –
.” He echoed. Then his entire demeanour changed “Oh God no! Please –“Johan momentarily close his eyes. He seemed to be warring with something inside himself. After a minute or two passed he snapped his eyes open, took his lab coat off and threw it on my desk “Right come on. I'm sorry but this is the only way, otherwise I call an ambulance.”

“What?”

“I'm going to carry you to my car, no one will see us, there’s only you and me here, and I’m taking you to the hospital. Refuse and I call an ambulance. Then I tell Dominic once I’ve kicked his ass for letting his brother use you as a punching bag because that’s who I'm assuming did this.”

I sucked in a breath and started to shake my head. Shocked he would say such a thing, and more shocked at his correct assumption.

“I was four years old when I saw my own fucking father kick the life out of my mother. The last memory I have of her is her lying in a pool of her own blood on the bedroom floor, so don’t tell me this is not another bastard talking with his fists.”

Tears streamed down my face at the anguish in Johan’s usually sunny eyes. “I...”

“This is going to hurt, I'm sorry but I can’t do it any other way.” He slid his arm around my back and the other under my knees. I tried and failed not to cry out as he lifted me into his arms. “I promise I’ll take care of you, I’ve not a fucking clue how you got to work in this state.”

“Take me to your house...not the hospital...please Johan
.” I begged. He tried to maneuver me

through the building to his car without hurting me but spiraling pain shot through and as usual my body reacted the only way it knew how and I blacked out.

****

“I can’t sleep in your bed
.” I said groggily when I realised where I was. Johan took me back to his house, like I asked. I think I scared him with the desperation in my voice. I was laid on his bed; I knew this because I was surrounded by his scent.

I heard a jingling in the distance.

“Is that your phone?” I asked sleepily.

“Yeah, I’ll ring them back later
.” He whispered back, as I yawned I felt him brushing a piece of my hair behind my ear. “Go to sleep now beautiful girl. I’ll not leave you I promise.”

*****

I awoke sometime later, it was getting dark outside. Johan was still there by my side; he’d kept his promise and not left me. His eyes were closed and as I watched I saw how much younger he appeared when he was asleep. At twenty eight, he did look younger than his years normally, but asleep he looked angelically young. Almost like a teenage boy. He’d been so sweet today and caring and not once did he demand I act on what Elliot had done to me, he never judged or forced me he simply held my hand and offered his presence as a comfort. I’m sure the lecture was to come once I recuperated; the problem was how did I excuse what he’d seen? How could I explain that I was with a man I despised but feared more than death? Remembering what he had said as we were leaving the office about his mum broke my heart, the fact he had watched his own father beat her. A scared little innocent Johan cowering away somewhere was so devastating.

“I can hear the cogs of your brain working
.” He muttered, keeping his eyes closed, startling me.

“Thank you for today, for helping me and taking care of me.” I whispered.

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes the bright blue sparkled at me “you don’t have to thank me. But Eve I never want to see you in that kind of pain again. He could have...” He drifted off closing his eyes. “You scared me, and I haven’t been that terrified in a long, long time honey.”

“I'm okay, he didn’t –”

“Let’s not lie anymore okay?” He said and I nodded at his solemn expression “He didn’t succeed this time, but what about the next?” He took another deep breath “the next words out of your mouth are going to be ‘this is the worst its ever been’ it can only – “

“He’s done worse.” the look of absolute shock on Johan’s face at what I said mirrored my own
shock that I’d actually admitted it aloud.

“He...it gets worse than this, a lot worse
.” I said thinking of his intimate violations, but I wasn’t ready to share that part with Johan.

I closed my eyes and wondered how freeing it would be to say the beastly things aloud to someone, would he hate me after he found out how vile I really was. But when he spoke of his mother, he only had admiration and love in his eyes. But how was it possible to trust someone, particularly a man, after knowing him for such a short time. My relationship with Johan always felt so natural and calming that sometimes I did forget we had only been friends for a short time. He felt almost like a kindred brother. Dominic had always made me feel safe and cherished; he always had from us being small. My feelings for Johan were entirely different but just as profound. I trusted him without reason, I felt happy in his presence and it was easy to be near him, to be his friend. That’s probably why I had found myself explaining my dark relationship with Elliot.

“I should have known from the start that a relationship with him would be nothing but bullying and intimidation, I blame myself for not seeing it coming. Or maybe I did and this is my penance for ignoring the signs,” I paused when I saw the absolute rage in Johan’s eyes as he shook his head. “When I conceded to be with him after...well...things happened...there was a build up to the violence, he started bullying me with verbally name calling, then pushing and shoving me. But then eventually it became this. Stupidly I’ve always been frightened by him. When we were kids I’d be at their house all the time and sometimes he would be really nice and others really horrible to me. See how pathetic I am?” I looked into Johan’s eyes expecting loathing and ridicule, but all I saw was compassion, almost as if he understood me.

“You can’t blame yourself for that.” Johan said softly.

I shook my head and continued “I’ve caused so many arguments between us. I can’t help the way I am, I’ve tried, I really have. I feel completely bogged down by everything in our relationship, I’m exhausted by it Johan.” I closed my eyes tightly.

Johan wiped tears away from my cheeks I didn’t realise were there.

“You’re in love with him aren’t you? That’s why Elliott punishes you or that’s what reasoning he gives you?”

I let out a loud sob and nodded my head against the pillow.

“It’s bullshit though, you know that right? He would still do this even if you thought he walked on water,” he said quietly. I shook my head; because I didn’t believe Elliott would be like this if I could love him. “I don’t understand why you and Dominic aren’t together, I've seen the way he looks at you, the feelings you have for him are definitely reciprocated. So why if you felt like this about him back then did you end up with his brother?”

“Dominic may feel that way now, but he didn’t. I’m not an idiot, I do see how sometimes his attention is a little more than friendly, but I can’t allow myself to believe it...oh that makes no sense
.” I let out a frustrated sigh. “When we were younger, he always thought of me –“

“Dominic does not see you as a sister, I know that for certain. I definitely do not look at Marissa the same way he looks at you and she is my future sister-in-law.”

“Like I say not now –“

“Not ever
.”

“Shush this is my story
.” Johan chuckled beside me.

“When I was...mmm...probably seventeen, maybe a little before, I went to a party with some of
my friends and Elliott. He abandoned me for a gorgeous red head and  suffice to say I got absolutely hammered, so I rang Dominic to come get me, I didn’t want a bollocking from mum and dad. Well when we got home instead of taking me to my house next door, he said I could stay at his so that I wouldn’t get in trouble with my parents. His mum was out so we had the house to ourselves. I was sat on the kitchen worktop whilst he got me some water and something to eat. Anyway, to cut a long story short I kissed him, again, but yet again he pushed me away.”

“I'm lost...so you were seeing Elliott at this time?”

“Oh... no, sorry. The party happened ages before I got with Elliott, I was in the sulking over Dominic stage.” It was probably the last time I got drunk before the night Elliott took my virginity.

“What happened?”

“When?”

“Dominic - the drunken kiss
?” He laughed.

“Well at first I thought he kissed me back, but then he jumped back like I’d burnt him –“

“Those pouty lips you probably did.” Johan joked touching his index finger to my top lip.