Eleven Kinds of Loneliness (19 page)

“You’re still white as a sheet,” he told Ken across their restaurant table. “Haven’t you been going to the beach?”

“Sure.” Ken looked quickly at his plate. “I’ve been to the beach a few times. The weather hasn’t been too good for it lately, is all.”

But Carson guessed the real reason, that Ken was embarrassed to display his body, so he changed the subject. “Oh, by the way,” he said. “I brought along the IBF stuff, for that piano player friend of yours.”

“Oh, swell.” Ken looked up in genuine relief. “I’ll take you over there soon as we’re finished eating, okay?” And as if to hurry this prospect along he forked a dripping load of salad into his mouth and tore off too big a bite of bread to chew with it, using the remaining stump of bread to mop at the oil and vinegar in his plate. “You’ll like him, Carson,” he said soberly around his chewing. “He’s a great guy. I really admire him a lot.” He swallowed with effort and hurried on: “I mean hell, with talent like that he could go back to the States tomorrow and make a fortune, but he likes it here. One thing, of course, he’s got a girl here, this really lovely French girl, and I guess he couldn’t very well take her back with him—no, but really, it’s more than that. People accept him here. As an artist, I mean, as well as a man. Nobody condescends to him, nobody tries to interfere with his music, and that’s all he wants out of life. Oh, I mean he doesn’t tell you all this—probably be a bore if he did—it’s just a thing
you sense about him. Comes out in everything he says, his whole mental attitude.” He popped the soaked bread into his mouth and chewed it with authority. “I mean the guy’s got
authentic
integrity,” he said. “Wonderful thing.”

“Did sound like a damn good piano,” Carson said, reaching for the wine bottle, “what little I heard of it.”

“Wait’ll you really hear it, though. Wait’ll he really gets going.”

They both enjoyed the fact that this was Ken’s discovery. Always before it had been Carson who led the way, who found the girls and learned the idioms and knew how best to spend each hour; it was Carson who had tracked down all the really colorful places in Paris where you never saw Americans, and who then, just when Ken was learning to find places of his own, had paradoxically made Harry’s Bar become the most colorful place of all. Through all this, Ken had been glad enough to follow, shaking his grateful head in wonderment, but it was no small thing to have turned up an incorruptible jazz talent in the back streets of a foreign city, all alone. It proved that Ken’s dependence could be less than total after all, and this reflected credit on them both.

The place where Sid played was more of an expensive bar than a nightclub, a small carpeted basement several streets back from the sea. It was still early, and they found him having a drink alone at the bar.

“Well,” he said when he saw Ken. “Hello there.” He was stocky and well-tailored, a very dark Negro with a pleasant smile full of strong white teeth.

“Sid, I’d like you to meet Carson Wyler. You talked to him on the phone that time, remember?”

“Oh yes,” Sid said, shaking hands. “Oh yes. Very pleased to meet you, Carson. What’re you gentlemen drinking?”

They made a little ceremony of buttoning the IBF insignia into the lapel of Sid’s tan gabardine, of buzzing his shoulder and offering the shoulders of their own identical seersucker jackets to be buzzed in turn. “Well, this is fine,” Sid said, chuckling and leafing through the booklet. “Very good.” Then he put the booklet in his pocket, finished his drink and slid off the bar stool. “And now if you’ll excuse me, I got to go to work.”

“Not much of an audience yet,” Ken said.

Sid shrugged. “Place like this, I’d just as soon have it that way. You get a big crowd, you always get some square asking for ‘Deep in the Heart of Texas,’ or some damn thing.”

Ken laughed and winked at Carson, and they both turned to watch Sid take his place at the piano, which stood on a low spotlighted dais across the room. He fingered the keys idly for a while to make stray phrases and chords, a craftsman fondling his tools, and then he settled down. The compelling beat emerged, and out of it the climb and waver of the melody, an arrangement of “Baby, Won’t You Please Come Home.”

They stayed for hours, listening to Sid play and buying him drinks whenever he took a break, to the obvious envy of other customers. Sid’s girl came in, tall and brown-haired, with a bright, startled-looking face that was almost beautiful, and Ken introduced her with a small uncontrollable flourish: “This is Jaqueline.” She whispered something about not speaking English very well, and when it was time for Sid’s next break— the place was filling now and there was considerable applause when he finished—the four of them took a table together.

Ken let Carson do most of the talking now; he was more than content just to sit there, smiling around this tableful of friends with all the serenity of a well-fed young priest. It was the happiest evening of his life in Europe, to a degree that even Carson would never have guessed. In the space of a few hours it
filled all the emptiness of his past month, the time that had begun with Carson’s saying, “Go, then. Can’t you go to Cannes by yourself?” It atoned for all the hot miles walked up and down the Croisette on blistered feet to peek like a fool at girls who lay incredibly near naked in the sand; for the cramped, boring bus rides to Nice and Monte Carlo and St. Paul-de-Vence; for the day he had paid a sinister druggist three times too much for a pair of sunglasses only to find, on catching sight of his own image in the gleam of a passing shop window, that they made him look like a great blind fish; for the terrible daily, nightly sense of being young and rich and free on the Riviera—the Riviera!—and of having nothing to do. Once in the first week he had gone with a prostitute whose canny smile, whose shrill insistence on a high price and whose facial flicker of distaste at the sight of his body had frightened him into an agony of impotence; most other nights he had gotten drunk or sick from bar to bar, afraid of prostitutes and of rebuffs from other girls, afraid even of striking up conversations with men lest they mistake him for a fairy. He had spent a whole afternoon in the French equivalent of a dime store, feigning a shopper’s interest in padlocks and shaving cream and cheap tin toys, moving through the bright stale air of the place with a throatful of longing for home. Five nights in a row he had hidden himself in the protective darkness of American movies, just as he’d done years ago in Denver to get away from boys who called him Lard-Ass Platt, and after the last of these entertainments, back in the hotel with the taste of chocolate creams still cloying his mouth, he had cried himself to sleep. But all this was dissolving now under the fine reckless grace of Sid’s piano, under the spell of Carson’s intelligent smile and the way Carson raised his hands to clap each time the music stopped.

Sometime after midnight, when everyone but Sid had drunk too much, Carson asked him how long he had been away from
the States. “Since the war,” he said. “I came over in the Army and I never did go back.”

Ken, coated with a film of sweat and happiness, thrust his glass high in the air for a toast. “And by God, here’s hoping you never have to, Sid.”

“Why is that, ‘have to’?” Jaqueline said. Her face looked harsh and sober in the dim light. “Why do you say that?”

Ken blinked at her. “Well, I just mean—you know—that he never has to sell out, or anything. He never would, of course.”

“What does this mean, ‘sell out’?” There was an uneasy silence until Sid laughed in his deep, rumbling way. “Take it easy, honey,” he said, and turned to Ken. “We don’t look at it that way, you see. Matter of fact, I’m working on angles all the time to get back to the States, make some money there. We both feel that way about it.”

“Well, but you’re doing all right here, aren’t you?” Ken said, almost pleading with him. “You’re making enough money and everything, aren’t you?”

Sid smiled patiently. “I don’t mean a job like this, though, you see. I mean real money.”

“You know who is Murray Diamond?” Jaqueline inquired, holding her eyebrows high. “The owner of nightclubs in Las Vegas?”

But Sid was shaking his head and laughing. “Honey, wait a minute— I keep telling you, that’s nothing to count on. Murray Diamond happened to be in here the other night, you see,” he explained. “Didn’t have much time, but he said he’d try to drop around again some night this week. Be a big break for me. ’Course, like I say, that’s nothing to count on.”

“Well but
Jesus
, Sid—” Ken shook his head in bafflement; then, letting his face tighten into a look of outrage, he thumped the table with a bouncing fist. “Why prostitute yourself?” he
demanded. “I mean damn it, you
know
they’ll make you prostitute yourself in the States!”

Sid was still smiling, but his eyes had narrowed slightly. “I guess it’s all in the way you look at it,” he said.

And the worst part of it, for Ken, was that Carson came so quickly to his rescue. “Oh, I’m sure Ken doesn’t mean that the way it
sounds
,” he said, and while Ken was babbling apologies of his own (“No, of course not, all I meant was—
you
know …”) he went on to say other things, light, nimble things that only Carson could say, until the awkwardness was gone. When the time came to say goodnight there were handshakes and smiles and promises to see each other soon.

But the minute they were out on the street, Carson turned on Ken. “Why did you have to get so damned sophomoric about that? Couldn’t you see how embarrassing it was?”

“I know,” Ken said, hurrying to keep pace with Carson’s long legs, “I know. But hell, I
was
disappointed in him, Carson. The point is I never heard him
talk
like that before.” What he omitted here, of course, was that he had never really heard him talk at all except in the one shy conversation that had led to the calling-up of Harry’s Bar that other night, after which Ken had fled back to the hotel in fear of overstaying his welcome.

“Well but even so,” Carson said. “Don’t you think it’s the man’s own business what he wants to do with his life?”

“Okay,” Ken said, “
okay
. I
told
him I was sorry, didn’t I?” He felt so humble now that it took him some minutes to realize that, in a sense, he hadn’t come off too badly. After all, Carson’s only triumph tonight had been that of the diplomat, the soother of feelings; it was he, Ken, who had done the more dramatic thing. Sophomoric or not, impulsive or not, wasn’t there a certain dignity in having spoken his mind that way? Now, licking his lips and glancing at Carson’s profile as they walked, he squared
his shoulders and tried to make his walk less of a waddle and more of a headlong, manly stride. “It’s just that I can’t help how I feel, that’s all,” he said with conviction. “When I’m disappointed in a person I show it, that’s all.”

“All right. Let’s forget it.”

And Ken was almost sure, though he hardly dared believe it, that he could detect a grudging respect in Carson’s voice.

Everything went wrong the next day. The fading light of afternoon found the two of them slumped and staring in a bleak workingman’s café near the railroad station, barely speaking to each other. It was a day that had started out unusually well too— that was the trouble.

They had slept till noon and gone to the beach after lunch, for Ken didn’t mind the beach when he wasn’t alone, and before long they had picked up two American girls in the easy, graceful way that Carson always managed such things. One minute the girls were sullen strangers, wiping scented oil on their bodies and looking as if any intrusion would mean a call for the police, the next minute they were weak with laughter at the things Carson was saying, moving aside their bottles and their zippered blue TWA satchels to make room for unexpected guests. There was a tall one for Carson with long firm thighs, intelligent eyes and a way of tossing back her hair that gave her a look of real beauty, and a small one for Ken—a cute, freckled good-sport of a girl whose every cheerful glance and gesture showed she was used to taking second best. Ken, bellying deep into the sand with his chin on two stacked fists, smiling up very close to her warm legs, felt almost none of the conversational tension that normally hampered him at times like this. Even when Carson and the tall girl got up to run splashing into the water he was able to hold her interest: she said several times that the Sorbonne “must have
been fascinating,” and she sympathized with his having to go back to Denver, though she said it was “probably the best thing.”

“And your friend’s just going to stay over here indefinitely, then?” she asked. “Is it really true what he said? I mean that he isn’t studying or working or anything? Just sort of floating around?”

“Well—yeah, that’s right.” Ken tried a squinty smile like Carson’s own. “Why?”

“It’s interesting, that’s all. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person like that before.”

That was when Ken began to realize what the laughter and the scanty French bathing suits had disguised about these girls, that they were girls of a kind neither he nor Carson had dealt with for a long time—suburban, middle-class girls who had dutifully won their parents’ blessing for this guided tour; girls who said “golly Moses,” whose campus-shop clothes and hockey-field strides would have instantly betrayed them on the street. They were the very kind of girls who had gathered at the punch bowl to murmur “Ugh!” at the way he looked in his first tuxedo, whose ignorant, maddeningly bland little stares of rejection had poisoned all his aching years in Denver and New Haven. They were squares. And the remarkable thing was that he felt so good. Rolling his weight to one elbow, clutching up slow, hot handfuls of sand and emptying them, again and again, he found his flow of words coming quick and smooth: