Elisa (12 page)

She looked at me. “I hope that’s okay.”

“That’s more than okay.”

“Good.”

I felt my heart race in my chest while I looked at her. I knew what she wanted to do with that cake and wine. It was going to be messy. I felt my sweat under my shirt. It suddenly got very hot. When the waiter returned with the bill, I handed him the cash and grabbed the to-go box and the bottle of wine.

We made it out to the street and walked down the sidewalk. She moved close to me and wrapped her arm around my waist. My heart rate increased. I was strangely aware of my body and the feel of her touch. We continued to walk but I didn’t pay attention to where we were going. I was too nervous.

When we arrived at her apartment, she opened her clutch and searched for her keys. I swallowed the lump in my throat while I waited. I was really going through with this. She finally got the door opened and we walked inside. She grabbed the wine and cake from my hand
, set it on the counter, then she turned to me.

“I would hate to get that suit dirty,” she said as
she placed her hands on my chest and pushed the jacket from my shoulders. I let it fall.

I placed my hands on her waist and felt the smooth material of the dress. I could feel her curves easily.

She pressed her face close to mine. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. It was sweet and strong. Layla grabbed my tie then yanked on it, pulled my lips to hers. Her kiss was soft and warm. She parted my lips with her tongue and slipped it inside. I tasted the wine.

Elisa’s face popped into my mind. I remembered how I felt when I kissed her. Every time
I touched her lips, I felt like I would explode. Flashes of our lovemaking blinded me. I couldn’t even feel Layla’s lips anymore. All I thought about was Elisa. I remembered the day we spent at the park, every morning when we had breakfast together, the way she would kiss me when I came over. It wouldn’t stop. I remembered how horrible I felt when she dumped me, breaking my heart. The night when she lied to me burned the inside of my skull. I was in pain but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I couldn’t forget her.

“I can’t do this.” I pulled away.

She stared at me for a moment, her mouth still opened.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I averted my gaze.

She grabbed my face and kissed me again. “Come on. I want you, Jared.”

I kissed her again but Elisa returned. “No.”

“Why?”

“I—I’m in love with someone else.”

I expected her to get mad, throw the bottle of wine at my head, but she didn’t. “I’m okay with that.”

“What?”

“Well, why aren’t you with this girl?”

“Because I can’t.”

“Then you need to move on.”

“I know.”

“Let me help you.” She started to kiss my neck. “I’ll make you forget her.”

I moaned and gave into the feeling for a moment. I wanted to forget about Elisa and I knew sleeping with someone else would be the first step but I couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry. You’re great. I—I’m just
not ready.” I pulled away.

She sighed in frustration.
“Fine. I’ll wait.”

I said nothing.

She kept her hands on my chest.

“I should go. I’m sorry about this.”

“It’s okay,” she said as she ran her fingers through my hair.

“It’s nothing personal.”

“I know,” she said. “I’ll save the wine for another time.”

I didn’t say anything. I pulled away and walked toward
the door.

“She’s a very lucky lady.”

I stopped before I walked out the door. “Tell her that.”

14

Instead of going home right away
, I went to a bar. It was crowded but I didn’t notice anyone. I was in my own world. I hated what I was feeling. I couldn’t be with Elisa but I couldn’t move on from her either. We had been broken up for only a week but I wanted to move on already. I just didn’t want to feel this pain anymore.

I opened my wallet and looked at the picture of Tommy and Becky. I put a copy in my wallet when I got Elisa that necklace. I missed them. They weren’t my kids but I loved them like my own. I wondered if they asked about me. I wondered if they missed me.

The morning when I made the paintings with the kids was a moment I’ll never forget. It was the first time I was completely alone with them. I loved every second of it. They were messy, loud, and hyper, but they were adorable at the same time. They were nothing but work, but it was the kind of work that left you satisfied at the end of the day. When I thought about never seeing them again, it made me want to cry.

When I finally walked home it was late. There weren’t as many people on the sidewalk. The snow was falling but I didn’t feel cold. Perhaps it was the alcohol. Perhaps it was because I was too numb to feel anything. It didn’t matter which.

I got inside the elevator and leaned against the wall. I watched the lights change as the elevator ascended the floors. When the light shined over the third floor, I thought of Sadie. When she lived in the same building, she was always a short distance away. Now she was across town—with Elisa. I missed her and Koku. I felt like I lost my best friend. I felt uncomfortable talking to her about Elisa. Since she was Ethan’s sister, it was awkward. When I vented about Suzie, it was never an issue.

When the doors finally opened, I stumbled out. I stared at the floor as I walked to my apartme
nt. When I reached the entrance, I dropped my keys. Elisa was sitting in front of my door.

I stared at her in surprise. I didn’t expect her to be
there.

“Hey,” she said with a quivering lip. Her eyes immediately appeared soaked.

I cleared my throat. “Why are you here?”

“I’m not giving up on you,” she whispered.

“I’ve already moved on.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Have you slept with her?”

“It’s none of your business whether I did or not.”

She nodded but continued to cry.

“Please leave me alone, Elisa.”

“
Ellie,” she corrected.

I said nothing.

She didn’t move from her seat in front of my door. “I’m not leaving, Jared. Not until you talk to me.”

I looked at my watch. “It’s one in the morning.”

“I planned to wait all night if I had to.”

I glared at her. “Did you walk her
e in the middle of the night by yourself?” My tone sounded like I unleashed a death threat. My eyes were wide with anger.

She said nothing.

“Your answer better be no.”

She still didn’t say anything.

I kneeled down in front of her. “If I wasn’t a gentleman, I would slap you so fucking hard.”

A tear fell down her cheek as she looked at me.

“I don’t want you walking around by yourself—especially at night.”

“Why do you care?”

“What? Of course I care.”

“Why?”

“How could you do that to me? If you love me, you wouldn’t risk your life like this. The streets are dangerous in the day and the night, but especially past ten. What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I had to see you.”

“What’s the point if you have to risk your life?”

“I had to.”

“Elisa, you have kids to think about.”

“I know,” she whispered.

“Why do you keep hurting me?” I snapped. “I would die if something happened to you.”

She wiped her tear
s away. “You won’t answer my calls and you wouldn’t come to me if I asked you to.”

“You could ask Ethan.”

“He wouldn’t bring me.”

I stared at her. “Then you shouldn’t have come.”

“I love you. I want you to know that I do.”

I remained silent.

“And I know your answer is no.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“You didn’t sleep with her.”

She was right but I would never tell her that.

“You love me and don’t want anyone else. Jared, give me another chance. I won’t let you down. I don’t just want you now but for my whole life.”

I rose to a stand and took a deep breath. “Let’s get out of the hall.”

She climbed to her feet and looked at me.

I put my key in the door then unlocked it. We walked inside and I threw my key on the counter then dropped my jacket on a chair. When I looked at her, more tears started to fall
from her eyes. I ignored her and walked into my room, removing my tie and unbuttoning my shirt. When I looked at my collar, I saw the lipstick stain. Now I knew why she was crying. I sighed. I didn’t know that was there.

After I changed, I went back into the living room and she was crying on the couch. I sat beside her and rested my hands on my knees.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” I said.

She continued to cry.

“I kissed her—that’s it.”

She sniffed.

“I thought I was ready to move on but I’m not.”

She finally looked at me. “Please give me another chance. Please. I never meant to hurt you. I promise that I’m ready now. I want a life with you, Jared. I’m sorry that I was so stupid before.”

I wanted to be with her so much. I loved her and I wanted this to work, but I knew she would never be ready for a real relationship. I trusted her once and I couldn’t do it again. She already broke my heart twice. I didn’t want her to damage me beyond repair. I still had a chance to find happiness in someone else. If I let her hurt me over and over, then I would never be able to trust anyone. “Elisa, let me make this clear. We are over—done.”

She looked away and clutched her stomach.

“I’m not saying this to hurt you. I can’t trust you, Elisa. You say that you’re ready to move on but you clearly aren’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a spouse. I couldn’t even imagine. So it’s okay not to be ready.”

“I am ready, Jared. I’m sorry that I had to lose you to realize it.”

“I wish I could believe you,” I whispered.

She grabbed my hand. “You can. Please.”

I closed my eyes. “No. Stop making this so hard for me.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck and held me close. “I can’t lose you. I can’t.”

I kissed her forehead. “Elisa, if you ever need anything, I’m always there for you. It doesn’t matter if it’s next week or next year. I’ll always help you. Even if I’m married and have kids of my own.”

She sobbed at my
words.

“But I can’t do this. I can’t be in a relationship unless you’re in it too.”

“I am in it.”

“For two months you weren’t there, Elisa. A part of you
was, but not as much as there should have been. I said I would settle for a piece of your heart but you didn’t give my any of it.”

“It’s yours now.”

“It’s too late, Elisa.”

She pressed her forehead against mine. “The kids miss you so much.”

I sighed. “Please don’t do this to me.”

“Then be with me.”

“I deserve better.”

“I’ll give you everything you need.”

“I wish I could believe you.”

“Don’t try to move on with someone else if I’m the woman you really love. Try to work this out with me.”

“I have to try.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry.” I pulled her hands from my neck then stood up. “I’ll take you home now.”

“Sleep with me.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“I can’t sleep without you, Jared. Please give me one night. Please.”

“I know what you’re trying to do.”

“My request is genuine.”

“I’ll let you sleep in my room and I’ll sleep on the couch—that’s it.”

“No. It has to be you.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Please.”

“Stop torturing me!”

She stiffened at my words.

“Now I’m taking you home. Let’s go.”

She rose to her feet but averted her gaze. I grabbed my jacket then opened the door for her.

“You don’t need to walk me home, Jared.”

“Don’t be stupid,” I snapped. “I want to walk you home.”

She stared at me for a moment before she stepped through. I locked the door behind us and we left the building. She didn’t speak to me and I didn’t say anything to her. She rubbed her arms as we walked down the sidewalk. I took off my jacket and covered her with it, keeping her warm. She smiled at me but it was a weak one.

When we walked by a group of thugs leaning against the wall
, she moved closer to me, frightened. I wrapped my arm around her and held her close to me. “Don’t be scared,” I whispered.

We walked to the townhouse and climbed the stairs. I waited for her to find her keys in her purse. She took a long time to pull them out, and when she did have them
, she just held them in her hand.

“Good night,” I whispered.

“No.”

“I’m sorry.”

She looked at me with her sad eyes. The tears were forming again.

“I hate seeing you in pain.”

“I hate seeing
you
in pain.”

I averted my gaze. “Please go inside.”

“Come with me.”

I hadn’t been able to sleep without her either. And when I did sleep, all I dreamt about was her. When I spent the night with Elisa, I had
a dreamless slumber and always felt rested. I took a deep breath. “Okay.”

She smiled.
“Really?”

I nodded.

She unlocked the door and we crept inside. We moved down the hallway and entered her bedroom. She started to remove her clothes but I steadied her. “No.”

I pulled down the covers and l
ay down. I was still fully dressed in my shirt and jeans. I didn’t want this night to lead to other things. It would just make it harder. She climbed in beside me and wrapped her arms around me, resting her head on my chest. I indulged in my desires and held her tightly, smelling the scent of her hair. Her skin was smooth and soft. She was so small in my arms. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and set my alarm for early in the morning, before anyone else would wake up. I placed it on the nightstand.

“Good night,” she whispered to me.

“Good night.”

She raised her head and looked at me. “I love you, Jared.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I love you, Ellie.”