Elise (23 page)

“I’ve gone over it hundreds of times in my mind, and I can na’ figure it. What is it about you, Elise? There are a lot of women in the world. I’ve known lots of them. Some as breathtakingly beautiful as you, some of amazing intellect, and yet I find myself drawn to you. Why? Despite what a conniving bitch you’ve proved yourself to be, I close my eyes and I see you. I listen and I hear you. It’s akin to a humming sound. I’m beginning to think that if I liked, I could concentrate and I’d be able to feel you. I studied mysticism because it fell into my life. It was Karma. I believe in the power of it. The problem is, you clearly doona’. You doona’ believe in anything. So why is it you that does these things to me?”

Elise gulped. “I’m sorry. I quit listening after the conniving part. What was it you were saying?” She had to school herself to get through the entire sentences. Her breath had been stolen by his reference to the humming sound, and the gooseflesh running over her entire body was impossible to hide.

He sighed hugely and rolled over to look at the ceiling. Elise watched him.

“Sometimes in India, when the moon is just right, you can feel something. Call me fanciful, but there’s a vitality and spirit to that place that can na’ be ignored. It’s in my veins now and forever will be. I can na’ wash it out. It’s like Scotland. There’s a pulse beneath this soil that’s impossible to ignore. It’s like taking a huge breath and never letting it out. It’s the smell of peat and damp, and it’s the odor of wood fires and fresh bread and heather. It’s the smell of all that is life—the joy and the pain. It’s the throb of living. It’s in the rain and the mist. It’s even in the snow. It’s the smell of renewal, the voice of heroism and bravery, the taste of adoration, and it’s the feel of cold stone and warm blood! There’s naught else on earth like it. You feel any of that?”

“Any of what?” she asked, between a heartbeat, and with such a carefully studied tone, she was absolutely amazed to hear it herself.

He tossed out his arms. One landed atop her ankle. Elise didn’t dare move, in case he’d notice. Then he sighed again, heavier than before. She watched his chest rise and fall with it.

“Then there’s the blackness. The indecision. The path that’s chosen but not lighted along the way. I doona’ know why I bother talking to you. Oh yes, I do. It’s late. And you’re a goddess. That’s right, I’ve got a goddess in my bed. She’s sheathed in ice but formed with perfection, and she spews hate-filled words at me, instead of welcoming me with her lips, and her body, and her softness, and her warmth and moisture—”

He swore, sat up, and slid to the side of the bed. She couldn’t make her eyes move from him as he stood with his back to her and adjusted the drawers about his waist. Then he went back to the spot in the center of the floor and began speaking in an emotionless tone.

“Tai chi chuan has been around for centuries. It can take decades to master it. I’m only a beginner. I dinna’ have the luxury of studying full-time, although I would have liked to. I was supposed to be soldiering, remember?”

“Why learn it, then?” she asked.

“Because it was Karma. It fell into my life. Then again, my houseboy beat me, time and again. And he was a little snippet of a fellow na’ much larger than yourself. He won me at every physical contest we tried. I dinna’ have a choice. I wanted to know why. I wanted what he had. He made me start at the beginning. You’ve seen my meditation?”

“I’m not sure,” she answered, when he stopped and waited.

“I practiced it in the carriage ride yesterday... or was it the day afore?”

“The day before,” she answered.

“See? You do remember. I’m just a beginner at that, too. Mick found my teacher. He was a Holy Man. That’s the highest caste you can be born into in India.”

“Caste?”

“India has a caste system, rather like this English society with its peerages and lower classes. Only India’s is more structured, more brutal. Who your parents are is who you are. If your father is one of the laborer caste, then so are you. Your friends will be laborers and your wife will be one. If you dare wed outside of your caste, then you nae longer exist to anyone. You become an Untouchable and are treated as if you’re invisible.”

“It sounds brutal.”

“Worse than me, perhaps?”

Elise let his question stand for some moments. Then she picked up another of her books and practiced ignoring him. “This is all very fascinating, Your Grace. Perhaps you could start your tai chi chuan and allow me to resume reading.”

He still wasn’t facing her. Elise watched the muscles in his back and shoulders as he flexed his arms high above his head and started rotating them. Nothing in print could hold her interest from that. She didn’t think he was going to answer her.

“You’re a bit of an expert at changing subjects, and avoiding confrontation, I’ve noticed. It’s an affectation I hope you outgrow.”

The lamp’s light tossed the man before her into relief on the far wall. The book lay forgotten in her lap as he angled himself sideways to the floor, and then supported his entire weight on one bent arm. Elise couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She’d guessed at his strength, but actually witnessing it was stealing her breath and causing her acute emotional and physical distress.

There was no other word for the waves of reaction that flowed over her. Elise closed her eyes, and with each breath she tried to diffuse it. She could feel the beads of sweat gathering at her forehead and in the small of her back. Her breasts felt heavier, like they belonged to someone else, some wanton Elise who had nothing to do with the real one.

What is happening to me?

She cried it silently. There was no answer.

“Perhaps you should learn this, too.” She opened her eyes slowly and wasn’t surprised to see Colin standing upright, facing her again. He was beaded with moisture and glared at her with that greenish brown gaze of his. “Aside from being a system of self-defense, it’s unequaled at relieving frustration.”

“Frustration?” The word should have choked her.

“Aye, frustration. Surely you’ve experienced it at least once in your life.”

“I’m not sure. Describe it,” Elise said.

“Everything came too easy for you. That’s the real issue, is na’ it?”

“If you’re describing the word, you’re off the mark, Your Grace.”

He lowered his head to look at her through his eyelashes. The move put two furrows in his brow. Elise had never seen anything to compare him against. Her pulse told her of it.

“Frustration is a human condition. Want. Need. Desire. Lack of fulfillment. Yearning and stifling of the same with no end in sight.”

“Are you . . . frustrated, Your Grace?” Elise’s voice caught midway through the question. She knew exactly what Colin had been talking about. She always had.

The humming was so loud, it blended with the heartbeats in her ears.

“Are you willing to accept me into your bed? Allow me your body, as your man, your mate, and your lover?” The words were flavored with his brogue. She could tell he knew the answer before she gave it.

If she’d not met Torquil? If Colin hadn’t reacted like he had to Rory? If Elise didn’t have one goal in mind, and one only?

“No.” Elise’s reply was more a groan, and she tore her gaze away.

“Then, yes, I’m damned frustrated.”

Chapter 23

“What is this, please?”

Elise asked it as she stopped at the threshold of their tower room; her action was so abrupt, Colin ran into her from behind. She didn’t wish to know what his arm felt like about her waist, but she found out as he wrapped it about her to stop their forward movement.

“What is what? It’s our room. We left it but five hours ago.” His voice wasn’t amused.

“There’s a hipbath.” Elise pointed it out beside the fireplace.

“So it is. Come along. I can na’ shut the door with you in it. It’s against the principles of nature.”

Elise frowned. He was making light of what wasn’t. “I’m not bathing tonight,” she said, in a tight, low tone.

“Of course, you are. You bathe every day.”

“How would you know?”

“Your water does na’ appear and disappear by magic. I have to order it,” he replied.

He had to move her out of the door’s path. Her own feet weren’t moving. Elise heard the resultant click of the latch. She gulped. “I can bathe in the morning.”

“We leave for the station at first light. It’s over two hours by carriage.”

“I’m not bathing, and that’s final.”

“You are, and I’m na’ arguing it. Turn around.”

“You are not going to take the place of a lady’s maid, either.”

“Cease the woman-words. It will na’ stay this.” He was deftly undoing her hooks as he spoke.

“You’re not to touch me. I won’t allow it.”

Colin made a sound like a snort and shoved the top of her dress down over her shoulders.

“You can unhand me. I’ll not stand idly while you— you—”

“While I what?” he interrupted. “I already told you I’ll na’ take a woman by force. You fear for naught and waste good air on the argue. I’m giving assist because I’ve seen when you lack it. You’ve a corset on? Bother that. You’re small enough. This is extremely wasteful, and stupid besides. Some poor whale has lost his life so you could be pinched in two ... and what? Be smaller than your dress? What seamstress designs fashion such as this?”

“I’ve lost weight,” Elise replied.

“Then why wear the damned thing?”

“Because it’s the proper thing to do.”

He sighed in an exaggerated fashion. “Verra well, stay your woman-words while I unlace it.”

Elise busied herself with pulling the cap sleeves over her hands and let the bodice drop onto the skirt overlay. “Trust a Scot to call an argument woman-words. It isn’t me standing in your chamber and assisting you with your disrobing against your wishes. Seems you’d have a better understanding of why if that were the case.”

“Would you be a-caring to assist me? I’d na’ say a word. I may even enjoy it.”

Elise choked on her reply. Then everything stilled as his words sank in. “You’re not bathing here.”

“Yes, I am. The moment you’ve finished.”

She couldn’t answer. It didn’t feel like her voice and her breathing would be available to her at the same time.

“Does this mean my arrangement is finally satisfactory? Or have you run out of words?”

“This is impossible,” Elise said from between her teeth.

“Only because you’ve made it so.”

“What did I do?”

“What did you do? Associated with a MacKennah. Bedded with my brother. Birthed him a male bastard! Denied my husbandly rights! What have you na’ done?”

“I know of no MacKennah,” she finally stammered.

“Yes, you did. You just dinna’ know it. Your maid? The dour one? She’s the reason you slipped your guards yesterday. Dunvargas dinna’ know of her leanings. He does now.”

“You didn’t see her dismissed, did you?” Elise asked.

“It’s na’ your concern.”

“You can’t do, and have, everything your way. I won’t stand for it! Have her rehired immediately.”

“What will I get in return?” he asked.

Elise caught her breath in surprise. She might as well have been outside, in the dead of winter, for the effect on her throat and chest. He wasn’t finishing with the lacing on her corset while he waited, either. He was running a knuckle of his hand up her spine.

“You’re abusing... my time, and—and... my good temper.”

Elise didn’t recognize her own voice stammering. It wasn’t the effect she’d been trying for. She frowned at what he might infer. Then he sighed, feathering the feel of it over her bare shoulder, and went back to her laces.

“I dinna’ have her dismissed, Elise. What do you take me for? I can only sack my own employees,” he answered.

“Surely Dunvargas has maids that aren’t associated with the MacKennah clan. Have one sent up.”

“And have a hand starting up the feud again? I’ll na’ have it whispered of. The Honor Guard knows why that woman is na’ attending you, but nae one else does. I gave out another excuse entirely.”

“What glib one did you devise?” Elise asked; her voice sounded like her usual bored, uninterested self again. She eased the frown from her features. “This should be interesting.”

“It is na’. I invented tales about love and having you all to myself. I added in that we’re but newly-wed and I’m unable to get my fill of your company. Bloody stupid of me, wasn’t it?”

“I’d answer that, but you already did.”

“Just think on it. I get to wait on you, when you could have been attended to by that dour maid, dressed modestly in your nightgown, and then sent off to sleep in a solitary bed, like a good little ice goddess. Instead of which, I get to receive the brunt of your arm’s-length personality. The papers were na’ succinct enough.”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t have read them, then.”

“In retrospect, I probably should na’ have,” he answered.

“You’re not to watch me. I won’t stand for it.”

“I’m to do whatever I wish with you. Have na’ you learned that much yet? You’ve nae reason to worry, though.” He’d put up his finger as she spun to face him. That was stupid, considering the corset fell to the floor at her motion. Elise had to cross her arms about her chemise. The flimsy material was her own fault. She should have ordered them in the thickest cotton, instead of filmy lawn. He was frowning enough for both of them as he finished his words, “The inclination fits my own.”

“This isn’t a good idea.”

“I’ve my fill of it, too. I’ve been denied so long, I’ve yet to decide which part of my anatomy aches the worst. Bloody hell! Forget I said that. Get into yon bath and allow me some dignity.”

He spun from her and paced to the farthest wall. Elise didn’t dare look to see what he was doing. She pulled the dress down and stepped out of it. She laid it carefully over a chair. It would be easier to pack that way.

She wasn’t as careful with the petticoats. She pulled them off as quickly as possible and tossed them to the settee, where they shimmered like a storm cloud.

“Must you dawdle?” Colin snapped out.

Elise walked to the farthest side of the tub. The fire was blazing, yet she was shivering. “You... you’ll need to turn aside.”

“Like hell I will.”

She lifted her chin. “Either turn, or I’ll bathe in my underthings. You give me no choice.”

He swore again, and she glanced over at him. His jaw was set, and he had his lips in such a thin line, they were nonexistent. “The count of ten. No more. Be modestly covered in that water by then.”

Elise watched as he swiveled his entire body sideways to her and faced the windows. There were no drapes at either window, but it wasn’t necessary. The walls were just shy of a yard thick. Elise knew it because she couldn’t reach the glass, when she’d tried earlier.

“Ten? I can’t do it that quickly!”

“I’m already on two,” he informed her.

Elise pulled down the pantaloons as rapidly as possible and shoved the chemise over her head.

“Why can na’ I hear water splashing?”

“Give me a moment! I’ve never bathed under such conditions as these. You’re making me quite upset!”

“That exceeds expectations, since you’ve a very good idea of what you do to me, and keep doing. And then make up reasons to continue to do it. Time’s up.”

Elise ducked so quickly that water poured over the side. She heard the sizzling it made as it emptied over the hearth and under the fire grate. The steam that rose dampened her hair and made it hard to breathe. It also effectively curtained her from Colin.

She didn’t waste any more time.

Elise wasn’t adept at washing her own hair because of the length. That meant it took longer than usual, but she couldn’t be faulted for that. The steam had dissipated as she rinsed. Colin wasn’t standing at the opposite wall anymore. He had turned one of the high-backed chairs about and straddled it to watch her. He wasn’t but ten feet from her tub, too.

Elise should have done her bath the opposite method. She should have started with her torso and ended with her hair. It didn’t help to chide herself, though. Colin’s hooded, brown gaze wasn’t moving.

“I still have to wash myself, Your Grace,” she said as haughtily as possible.

“I’m na’ stopping you.”

“Oh yes, you are. And quite effectively, too. I’ll not stand with you watching me.”

‘You’ve na’ other choice that I can see.”

“I’ll just stay right here, then.”

“You’d sit in that tub all night?” he asked, arching his brows.

“If need be.”

“You’re na’ that good an actress, Elise, and I’m not partial to cold water. You’ll finish, or I’ll join you.”

“What?” Her voice rose on the word, and he was right. She wasn’t a good enough actress to hide it.

“Now’s as good a time as any, I suppose.”

Colin started unbuttoning his shirt, and Elise stifled the cry before she spoke again.

“Why... are you doing this?”

“I’m na’ sure. Maybe I’m seeing how much I can stand, or I could be testing your denials. Either way, you’re losing time.”

He was shrugging his shoulders from his shirt, and it wasn’t a gentle motion. He had a garment beneath his shirt, and when he was occupied with pulling it over his head, Elise stood. She couldn’t face him. She watched the fire and soaped herself as rapidly as possible.

“Oh, Lord! Forget I said it. Forget—! Oh, hell.”

Colin’s words were garbled, and the chair slammed against the floor as he stood. Elise cursed herself for knowing that much. She hadn’t had to look! She sank into the water and rinsed as rapidly as possible, upsetting more water onto the floor. It was his fault! He’d made her do it!

“Is ... there a towel for me to use, Your Grace? Or are you going to make me dry myself in front of the fire while you watch that, too?”

“You scheming, little—! Yes! There’s an almighty towel. It had better be large, too. Here.” Colin had his side to her. One hand was over his eyes and the other held her towel out toward her.

Elise watched as the arm holding her towel trembled. Colin couldn’t have disguised it. She pursed her lips in thought as she rose and stepped from the tub. She reached, then held the towel, but he didn’t let it go. Elise stood beside him and watched the droplets dust the stone floor at their feet. Colin was watching them, too. She could tell by the shudder that shook him.

He hadn’t gotten far in his own undressing. His chest was bare, but he still had full Highland wear below that. The hair on his chest glowed golden in the fire’s light, and she couldn’t tear her eyes away. She wasn’t the least bit cold, either.

“What are you waiting for?” he asked in a savage tone.

“For you to unhand my towel. I can’t dry without it.”

His answer was Gaelic, but she had her towel. He’d released it with a raw gesture, and then left his hand outstretched, with the fingers spread apart. She would have thanked him, but instead held her tongue. She unfolded the covering, but her fingers fumbled more than they worked. She’d never been so close to anyone in her entire life, yet she knew so little of it. Colin’s chest was turning red from the middle of it clear up his neck to his ears. Elise’s eyes widened.

“Take your towel and go to the farthest wall from me. Do it now.”

“But—”

“Do it!”

Elise backed away from him. It was colder the farther from him she moved, but the towel was helping; it was large, too.

“I will na’ take a woman by force. As God is my witness, I’ll na’ do it. Not even if you are my wife in the eyes of all men’s laws! Not even if you are a lying, unscrupulous, bed-hopping wench, with ice for a heart and thorns for a tongue. Not even if you are more woman than I can stand to watch. I’ll na’ take you by force. I swear it. Are you covered?”

“Yes.” She had to say the word twice before it sounded.

Colin removed his hand from his eyes and raised both arms to the ceiling. Elise couldn’t move her own eyes from the sight. The flush was receding from him the longer she watched. He had his breathing under control again, too. He lowered his head and found her.

“Doona’ watch me. I forbid it.”

“What makes you think I was going to?”