Elliot and the Last Underworld War (8 page)

Elliot went to turn the next page and learn more, but Mr. Tojam stopped him. “The last page of this book is for your eyes only,” the Elf said. “This is the wizard Minthred’s own journal. He knew that one day Kovol would awake, and when he did, someone would have to lead the fight against him. He asked that the last page be read only by that person—by you. The Elves believe that everything you must know to defeat Kovol will be on that page. Call to me when you’re finished, and I’ll return you to the Brownies.”

Mr. Tojam closed his eyes and poofed away, leaving Elliot alone at the top of the tree. This was great news. If the secret to winning the war was in this book, he could have it ended by dinner. Feeling very happy, Elliot blew out a puff of air and then turned the page.

The very first words he read were, “My name is Minthred, but I’m no wizard. And I don’t know how I defeated Kovol.”

If Elliot had not been delicately balanced at the top of a very tall tree, he might have stood up and banged Minthred’s journal as hard as he could against the branches. What did Minthred mean by saying he wasn’t a wizard? From the very first moment Elliot had heard about Kovol, it was that the
wizard
Minthred had defeated him. And how could Minthred not know how he had done it?

However, since Elliot didn’t want to lose his balance by beating up the journal, he only took another deep breath and then read further.

“I’m a poor goat herder,” Minthred wrote.

“Oh, good grief,” Elliot mumbled. Of course he was.

“Goat herding is a simple life and sometimes a very lonely life. (Which you can probably understand, Dear Reader. Goats rarely have anything interesting to say.) One day, large craters appeared in my field, as if the earth had sunk. In some places they were as large as an entire row of homes. While I was out studying them, thousands of creatures suddenly appeared, most of which I had thought were nothing but the inventions of storytellers. Yet here they were, standing in my field, and not only standing, but fighting an army of smoke and fire. At the center of it all was the terrible beast I now know is named Kovol.”

Elliot closed his eyes and tried to picture what that must have looked like to Minthred. He remembered how surprised he had been when he first saw the Brownies standing in his bedroom, and there were only three of them. Minthred’s surprise must have been a lot bigger. And a lot worse.

“I hid in my bed for a while,” Minthred wrote. “But one cannot hide from anything so awful for long. Besides, my goats were afraid too, and we couldn’t all fit under the blanket.”

Elliot scrunched up his face. He wouldn’t invite a whole herd of goats to share his bed, whether they’d fit in there or not. No matter how scared they were.

Minthred continued, “I was finally forced to leave the safety of my bed, mostly because my goats ate the blanket. I knew that to face the war I needed the courage that would only come from a tall cup of turnip juice with just a bit of goat spit in it.”

Elliot smiled. The Brownies also loved turnip juice, although he didn’t think they added any goat spit to theirs. At least, he
hoped
not. Ick! Then he kept reading.

“But when I came to the battle, the Demon Kovol saw my drink. He smelled the turnip juice and roared that he was thirsty. His roar was so loud that all the earwax popped from my ears and fell into the cup. I dropped it and ran for my life. Kovol picked up the cup and drank it. All I know is that after drinking, he fell to the ground, fast asleep. The creatures cheered for me and said that I must be the finest of all wizards. They were so happy, I couldn’t tell them I was only a simple goat herder, and that I had no idea why Kovol fell asleep.”

And that was it. The last of the entry. The secret page that the Elves believed contained some all-powerful plan to defeat Kovol. What would they think if they knew that page had been written by some goat herder whose only magical power seemed to be the gift of producing an extreme amount of earwax?

Elliot slammed the book shut and then called for—how did he pronounce that again? Not Toe Jam. Maybe he could just call the Elf by his first name. Was it Slimy? Elliot groaned. If he couldn’t remember the Elf’s name, how could he possibly call him to come back and return Elliot to Burrowsville?

Elliot waited in the tree for a moment before someone finally poofed up to see him. Only it wasn’t the Elf.

It was Fidget, carrying a mirror in one hand and her wand in the other. She briefly glanced at him before returning to study herself in the mirror. “We’re about to fight a war, and you’re up here reading?” she asked.

He looked at the book. “The Elves gave it to me. But it wasn’t very helpful.”

“I could’ve told you that!” Fidget said.

“Why? Have you read it?”

Fidget scrunched up her nose. “Hello? Does it look like I read totally boring, thousand-year-old books?”

“I didn’t think you read any books at all,” Elliot said.

Fidget rapped him on the head with her wand for that, then said, “I happen to read the awesome magazine
Totally
Awesome
Teen
, and it is totally awesome. Your book is obviously a waste of time, because if it had anything important to say, Minthred would have covered it in pink glitter!”

She touched her wand to the book, which disappeared from his hands. “Hey!” he said.

“I sent it safely under your pillow at home. If you want to be bored, then read it there.” Her eyes flicked up and down Elliot’s body in disapproval. “You totally don’t look like someone ready to lead an Underworld war,” she said. “I mean, half your shirt is burned. And there’s stuff on your shoulder that turned your skin green.”

It was the paste that Patches had put on his burn from the Shadow Man. But Elliot wasn’t in the mood to explain that to a Pixie princess. Actually, he didn’t want to explain to anyone why his skin was green.

“Go away,” he said. “I’m waiting for that Elf who brought me here. Do…do you remember his name?”

“It’s Slimmy Tojam.” Fidget closed one eye to magically dab a little color on the lid with her wand. Then a draft of wind tossed her up in the air, and she poked herself in the eye. Her eye turned pink, the color she had planned to put on her lid. “Ow!” she said. Then she did a quick check in the mirror. “Oh, groovy! I look so awesome.”

“What about Mr. Tojam?” Elliot said.

“Oh. He’s not coming back.”

“Why not?”

She sighed. “Obviously, I sent him away. You’ll have to get back to Burrowsville on your own.”

“I can’t—”

“Sure you can.” Fidget lowered her mirror. “Do I have to explain everything to you, human?”

Elliot rolled his eyes. “You haven’t explained
anything
to me.”

“Oh, that’s right.” Fidget giggled and turned almost as pink as her eye. “How totally embarrassing! Well, here’s the TBNN—totally brand-new news. It’s the awesomest news you’ve probably ever had.” Her tiny nose wrinkled. “Well, let’s be honest. You probably don’t get a lot of awesome news. I mean, your family doesn’t even have enough money to give you a shirt without a hole in the armpit. And you’ve had a bully for almost as long as you’ve been alive. And you’re king of the Brownies, who are, like, the lamest creatures ever when it comes to styling their hair. So I could probably tell you anything, and it would still be better than your usual news.”

Elliot was tired of this. “What’s the news, Fidget?”

She huffed. “Well, if you
are
going to lead us through this Underworld war, then the Pixies will help. And we thought, what is the awesomest thing we could do for you?” Her face brightened. “I’m the one who thought of this idea! I’m so proud of me.” Then for no clear reason, she playfully punched Elliot in the arm, which hurt a lot, considering that her whole body was only the size of his arm. “How lucky are you that we’re friends?”

“Obviously, the luckiest kid in the universe,” Elliot muttered. “Now, what’s the news?”

Fidget waved her wand and glitter poured all over him. It tingled and even tickled wherever it landed. He tried to brush it off, but that only rubbed it into his skin.

“Yay!” Fidget exclaimed.

“That’s your big surprise?” Elliot asked. Whatever the glitter was for, it had come from the Pixies. Which meant he didn’t like it, or trust it, even one bit.

Fidget frowned, clearly disappointed that he was not impressed. “Fine. If you don’t care about it now, then maybe this will make you care.”

His eyes narrowed. “What will make me care?”

She smiled and then aimed her wand at him. “Bye-bye.”

With a slight
pop
, the branch beneath Elliot disappeared, and he found himself hurtling toward the ground. He knew he’d been high up before, but at the speed he was falling, the hard ground was only seconds away.

“Fid…get!” he yelled. “Help me!”

“Help yourself,” she said, calmly flying beside him.

“What?”

“Just think about stopping, and you will.”

“I can’t!”

“Try it.”

He flapped his arms and tried to think about stopping. But mostly all he could think about was panicking. And as everyone who has ever panicked before knows, it’s not helpful for any kind of thinking.

Elliot looked down and saw the ground rushing up toward him. “Fidget! Help!”

“Think about stopping!” she insisted. “It’s really important for you to do that. Right now!”