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Authors: Jeff Strand

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Elrod McBugle on the Loose (6 page)

BOOK: Elrod McBugle on the Loose
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Chapter Nine

I ALMOST WIMPED OUT, but then un-wimped out at the last second and went to see Mr. Torrance after school.
    "Now," he said, as we sat on the gym bleachers, "I want you to close your eyes and picture her in your mind."
    I closed my eyes. Julie's face appeared before me, her features twisted into the expression of disgust she'd wore at that special moment when Andy spit his gum into our beaker of chemical reactions. "Okay."
    "Now tell me, what's the first thing that catches your eye?"
    "Her face."
    "What about her face?"
    "The front part ."
    "Her eyes...her nose...her smile...?"
    "Yeah."
    I was not very good at this, which is really kind of amazing. I mean, it was so easy for me to draw a comic about Mrs. Webster being a student-torturing demon, yet a simple love poem was beyond my abilities.
    And why did I have a crush on Julie all of a sudden, anyway? I hadn't felt anything for her while we were making the gum. Maybe I only liked her now because I thought she had a crush on me, so I felt obligated to have a crush on her in return. An obsession just to be fair!
    Or maybe I was just being an idiot.
    What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
    "This is a bad idea," I said. "I should go home."
    "What about your English assignment?"
    "Come on, you know it's not an assignment. I don't think I even like her that much. And she's got really freaky hair."
    "Oh, is it Julie Gelder?"
    I nearly choked on my teeth. "Uh, yeah."
    "We don't have to give up quite yet. If you really want her to know how you feel, a poem can be a wonderful thing."
     Maybe, but I was having very serious doubts about this whole idea. What could I possibly write? What rhymed with Julie?
    
Julie, Julie
    
You're so cool-ie.
    You're no fool-ie.
    You make me drool-ie.
    All over the school-ie.
    Ummmmm, no.
    I was ready to get up and leave, but then it occurred to me that I didn't actually have to give her the poem. What harm could it do just to write it? Even if I chose not to deliver it to Julie, it might be helpful to have a spare love poem handy should I ever need one on short notice. For example:
    MUGGER: Give me your money and a love poem!
    MAN: I don't have a love poem!
    GUN: Bang!
    MAN: Aaahhh! I'm dead!
    MUGGER: You! Give me your money and a love poem!
    ME: Here you go.
    MUGGER: Thank you very much.
    ME: Whew! I'm not dead!
    See? It could be useful.
    "Okay, Mr. Torrance," I said. "I want whatever help you can give me. Let's get this poem written."

BEFORE YOU ASK, no, I'm not going to share my poem with you. I know it's unfair, and you probably feel cheated for having read all this way hoping to catch a glimpse of the poem it took Mr. Torrance and I nearly two hours to write. But the simple truth is that it was a
terrible
poem, and I just couldn't handle having anyone else read it ever again.
    I mean it, it was really lousy. I don't know where Mr. Torrance came up with the idea that he could write anything resembling a real poem. I don't know how I managed to convince myself that it was a good poem, if only for a very short time. Mere words can't express just how bad this poem was, unless I put them in all caps, like this:
    It was a REALLY BAD poem!
    But we wrote it, and I thanked Mr. Torrance, and I decided that the next day I was going to give it to Julie and let her know how I felt, if I still felt that way the next day.
    When I woke up the next day, I wasn't sure if I still had a crush on her. I ate some cereal and thought about it. Okay, yeah, I still had a crush on her. I'd give her the poem.
    But I wasn't going to put my name on it. I wasn't
that
stupid. I'd slip the poem (which I'd typed on my computer so she couldn't recognize the handwriting) into her locker and see how she reacted before I revealed my identity. And nobody else was going to know about it, not even Scoopy.
    I was very calm, cool, and collected. As I walked past Julie's locker on my way to study hall, I quickly slipped the poem through the slot at the top. I didn't think she'd dust for fingerprints or anything, so I was safe. I went to study hall, thought about her instead of doing my homework, went to home economics, thought about her instead of paying attention in class, went to English, got in trouble because I was thinking about her instead of paying attention in class, and so on.
    Then came lunch.
    I sat with Scoopy in our usual spot. We were eating cafeteria food again, which was a color I didn't recognize. Julie was seated in her usual spot, with her usual friends, acting unusual. She had a goofy grin on her face, and her eyes were lit up with what can only be called one hundred percent pure love.
    She was holding the poem in her hand.
    She looked at me and smiled.
    I smiled back.
    "Why are you smiling like that?" asked Scoopy, nervously. "Did you put something in my food? What did you put in my food? I'd better not get sick."
    "Your food is fine," I said. "I'm just smiling because I'm a happy person."
    "Oh. Why are you happy?"
    "No reason."
    "Is it because Andy is standing right behind you, and you're in the mood to get beat up?"
    I turned around. Andy stood there, holding his tray of food. "You guys are done with that table, right?"
    "No."
    "Let me say this again. You guys are done with that table, right?"
    "Why don't you just shut up?" said my true love. "You know he can beat you up with one hand tied behind his back."
    Yeah, sure, if my other hand held a baseball bat. With spikes on it.
    "You know, I've had enough of this," said Andy, glaring at her. "You don't think I can beat up this little twerp? Fine!" Andy pointed at me. "Today right after school. Hanley Park. You and me. Be there. Got it?"
    "Hanley Park? Where's that?"
    "You know...it's that park about five blocks from here."
    "I've never been there," I told him.
    "Yeah you have. Everyone's been to Hanley Park."
    A few other kids who'd been listening muttered that they'd never heard of Hanley Park, either.
    "Do you mean Ketchum Park?" asked Scoopy.
    "No, I don't mean Ketchum Park, stupid. I mean Hanley Park. How can you not know where it is? It's right there! It's this big ol' park!"
    "Sorry, I've never heard of it," I said.
    Andy sighed with frustration. "Okay, you go out the main entrance and cross Gates street. Then you walk up Gates street toward the church---"
    "Which church?"
    "You know, the church!"
    "There are two churches on Gates street."
    "The big church! The one right there!"
    "Why don't you draw a map?" Scoopy suggested.
    "Okay, fine, give me some paper."
    "I don't have any paper," I said.
    "Me either," said Scoopy.
    The other kids listening checked around, but none of them had any paper, either.
    "How can you not have paper?" asked Andy. "We're in school! Everyone's supposed to have paper in school!"
    Scoopy handed Andy a napkin. "Here, write on this."
    "Do you have a pencil?"
    "No."
    "If someone doesn't give me a pencil, I'm gonna beat up everyone here!" Andy threatened.
    "Is a pen okay?" asked Julie.
    "Yes, a pen is fine! Give me the stupid pen!"
    "It's not a stupid pen. My grandma bought it for me for my birthday."
    "Just give it to me."
    Julie tossed Andy the pen. He sat down next to me and began to scribble directions on the napkin. When he was done, he shoved it at me. "Here."
    I looked it over. "I can't read your handwriting. What's this word?"
    "Shut up! I don't care how you find it, but if you're not at Hanley Park after school today, I'm gonna hunt you down and make you wish you'd never been born!"
    At this moment I finally got it through my head that I was going to have to fight Andy today. I was going to be beaten senseless! And it was all because of Julie! Whoever thought love would be so complicated?
    "We don't have to fight," I said. "I'll just say right here, in front of all these witnesses, that you won. You're the champion. I admit it."
    "No way. I'm tired of you saying you can beat me up."
    "I never said it!"
    "I'm tired of Julie saying you can beat me up."
    "And he can!" said Julie.
    "We'll find out then, won't we?" asked Andy, as he stormed off. I stared at the napkin death sentence and my stomach did a few Olympic-quality flip-flops.
    "You don't think he's going to beat me up too, just because I'm your friend, do you?" asked Scoopy.
    "Maybe."
    "Aw,
man
."
    Okay, so I was in serious trouble. I wondered if Julie would still like me after she discovered that I couldn't squish Andy after all.
    She turned to one of her friends and whispered something. I'm sure I wasn't supposed to hear it.
    "Andy is
so
cute. And he wrote me the most adorable love poem you can imagine. Oh, I just can't wait to watch him beat up Elrod!"

Chapter Nine Quiz

1. Wouldn't it be nice if this quiz only had one question?

Tenth Chapter! Collector's Item

I WAS NOT A happy camper. I was like a camper whose tent had blown away in a thunderstorm and was being chased up a tree by a starving grizzly bear with really bad breath.
    So, Julie didn't have a crush on me after all. I was going to get beat up just so she could watch Andy's muscles ripple. And with word spreading fast, half of the school was probably going to be there to watch. This was completely unfair!
    And I had to show up for the fight. If I didn't, I'd only be delaying things. Might as well get the pain out of the way so I could go on with my life...if I still had one after the fight.
    I wondered if I could hide a chainsaw behind my back.
    There had to be a way out of this. Andy talked big, but he really wasn't the type to go around beating people up for no reason. If he was, I'd have been his victim a long time ago. So I merely needed to convince him that we didn't need to fight.
    How hard could that be?
    
"Hey, Andy, let's forget the fight, okay?"
    "Sure thing, buddy. No problem. Wanna get some Doritos after school?"
    "Sounds like fun. Let's go."
    Somehow I didn't think that was going to work.
    Maybe if I begged Julie to take back what she said, she could convince Andy not to obliterate me. Maybe if I told her that I was the one who wrote the poem, she'd try to keep me alive.
    No, no, that wouldn't work. She'd be so disappointed that it hadn't been from Andy that she'd want him to beat me up even more.
    AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
    (Yes, I realize that it's difficult to stretch out a "G" sound like that, and it doesn't do a lot of good to use the letter "H" six times when it's silent, but at least you get the idea of how frustrated I was.)
    The final bell rang. Normally I was happy to have school end, but this afternoon I could have sat in Pre-Algebra for weeks. Months, if the tests weren't too frequent.
    Scoopy was waiting at my locker. So was Julie.
    "I can't wait to see the fight!" Julie told me, her eyes flashing with excitement. "You're going to show that bully who the real winner is!"
    "I heard you talking at lunch," I said. "You just want me to get beat up because you like Andy."
    "Oh." Julie looked uncomfortable. "You don't mind, do you?"
    "Ask me after my bones heal, if they ever do."
    Julie left. I started to turn the dial on my locker, realized that if I couldn't remember my combination on days when I was feeling good, there was no way I'd be able to remember it in my current state of anxiety. Forget it. No reason to get my homework when I might not have use of my brain later, anyway.
    "Are you feeling strong?" asked Scoopy.
    "No."
    "I could work out with you in the gym for a few minutes, if you think it'll help. Lift a couple weights maybe."
    I shook my head. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be. There might be a good side to this...once he's beaten me to a frothy pulp he may leave me alone for the rest of the year."
    "Well, if it helps, I found out where Hanley Park is. I hear they closed it down because of a really bad squirrel problem."
    "Wonderful."

I'D SAY ABOUT forty kids were hanging around Hanley Park when Scoopy and I got there. One of them was even holding a sign reading "Go, Elrod, Go!" Then it turned it around, showing that the back said "Go Before He Kills You!"
    They had as much confidence in me as I did in myself.
    Maybe that was the problem! Maybe I needed confidence! Andy wasn't
that
big, and maybe he hadn't started his day with a nutritious breakfast! You know...if I tried hard enough, I
could
win the fight!
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
    No, I was going to get pounded today, no doubt about it. Andy was standing there with Warren and Colin, looking tough. Julie was there with her friends, looking like she was going to swoon any second. I'm sure I looked like I was going to run off going "Yip! Yip! Yip!"
    "Hi," said Andy. "Are you ready?"
    Slowly, I nodded.
    Warren raised his hands for attention. "Okay, everyone, welcome to the official Andy Click versus Elrod McBugle fight. If you're going to place bets, place them now. The rules are, no biting, no scratching, no weapons, no wedgies, and no spitting. But if you get hit in the face and some spit flies out, that doesn't count. Loser is the first person to say 'Uncle.'"
    "Uncle," I said.
    Andy and Warren exchanged whispers. "There's been a change in the rules," Warren announced. "Loser is the first person to cry."
    I tried to make myself cry, but it wasn't working.
    "Is everyone ready to see a fight?"
    My schoolmates cheered. Warren took out a whistle.
    "Let the fight begin...now!"
    He blew the whistle.
    Andy stepped toward me. I stayed right where I was, not out of bravery but because I couldn't move my body.
    A sort of rumbling sound came from the trees. The branches began shaking.
    "It's an earthquake!" somebody exclaimed.
    Suddenly a squirrel leapt from one of the lower branches, landing right on Julie's hair. She screamed and thrashed around, trying to get it off, while the squirrel made loud squirrel noises and danced around on her head.
    More squirrels leapt from the trees, some landing on the ground, some landing on innocent kids who just wanted to see Andy squash me. More and more squirrels emerged, scurrying down the tree trunks, heading for the nearest people.
    Warren blew his whistle again out of surprise, and instantly a dozen squirrels went straight for him. Within ten seconds he was covered with the vicious rodents. He fell to the ground and began rolling around, trying to get them off him.
    "Help me! Help me!" shouted Julie, whose hair was sticking up worse than Scoopy's.
    All around, kids were screaming and running in all directions from the insane squirrels. I didn't see any of them foaming at the mouth, so I hoped that they weren't rabid, just goofy.
    "Let's get out of here!" Andy shouted. I nodded and we took off, with Scoopy following close behind. A squirrel jumped on his back, but he grabbed it by the tail and threw it on Colin. It went down the front of his shirt and he let out a shriek that sounded a whole lot like Warren's whistle, causing a bunch of squirrels to rush at him.
    Andy, Scoopy, and I ran as fast as we could, leaving the sounds of our screaming classmates behind. We ran for several blocks, not stopping until Scoopy was completely out of breath.
    "Well, that was strange," Andy remarked.
    "Just a little," I agreed.
    "My house is right up the next street. We'll go there to call the police."
    "Good idea," I said. "Police are good."
    "
Gasp
Gasp
Gasp
," Scoopy added.
    We hurried over to Andy's house. Andy quickly explained the situation to his father, who called 9-1-1 and told the police that they might perhaps want to investigate an odd situation occurring at Hanley Park.
    Then we all laughed and laughed.
    "That was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life!" shouted Andy. "I wish I'd had a camcorder with me! Nobody at school will ever believe this!"
    "Well, I think at least forty or so kids will," I commented.
    "Yeah, but...was that fantastic or what? I think every week we should pretend that we're going to fight and get a new group of people to come there to watch!" He was laughing so hard that if he'd been drinking milk it would have come out of his nose with enough force to break through a wall.
    Scoopy and I exchanged a look that said "We're in the presence of a real weirdo."
    Andy stuck his hand out at me. "Put 'er there, buddy. You're all right."
    "I didn't do anything but run away from the squirrels with you."
    "That's good enough for me."
    We shook hands. I had a new ally in the war against...well, whatever I felt like warring against. Pretty cool, huh?

BOOK: Elrod McBugle on the Loose
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