Eluding Nirvana (The Dark Evoke Series Book 2) (33 page)

“Come on, up you get,” he demanded
with a shit-eating grin, pulling away and skirting my body to face away from me, indicating for me to jump on his back like I used to do when we first started dating.

He caught his arms behind my knees as I clung like a b
aby chimp around his neck.

“Don’t let me fall,” I giggled when he began to pick up the pace back to the woman
, who most probably, was beginning to feel like a third wheel.

I was
laughing like a lunatic, and spluttering as the wind tore through my loose hair, sending it whipping and flying across my face. I only just heard Liv shout, “Smile,” before I was blinded by a blue flash.

The pair
was unusually quiet, with Liv busy burying her feet into the cold depths of the beach, while Liam’s head tilted back, gazing up into the sky with his aviator glasses in place.

“I fancy ice-cream, anyone else want one?” I asked
over the crashing waves.

His rapt focus on the powder blue, cloudless
heavens was torn away as both turned in my direction. He smiled. “Ice-cream sounds fantastic.”

The golden grains were dusted off my backside as I s
hunted myself up from the sand. “One mint chocolate chip for Liam, and,”––I narrowed my eyes at Liv. With her brunette hair in a loose side braid, tiny white shorts and red halter bikini bra on a beach, she looked ready for a damn photo shoot. “Strawberry?”

“Always strawberry, with sauce, and one of those flake thingy’s too if they have them.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” I gave a small salute, before grabbing my purse and heading up the embankment to the ice-cream parlor.

It was while I was waiting and watching the middle-aged man scooping the ice-cream into cones that my stomach began to flip and my nerves were scattered
for some God forsaken reason. The constriction in my chest was impossible to ignore, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, and the panic which hardened at the suffocating sensation just made me worse. My legs felt like they were about to give away, so my right hand came quickly to my aid, resting on the counter, halting my imminent crumpled fate.

Steady breathes
, Kady…steady breathes…

One…two…three…repeat…

One…two…three…

I concentrated solely on making my outbreath longer than my inhalation, just
as the doctor instructed, to stop myself from hyperventilating and kill the ringing and compression in my head.

I handed
the man the money for the ice-creams and made a hasty retreat back to the beach. At least with Liam and Liv, I knew I’d be safe if anything happened. Like passing out.

Down the paved slope I tread with two ice-creams in one hand, and one in the other
, while my purse was nestled under my arm. The measly wave I offered went unnoticed. They were drowning in their conversation; Liv’s hand rose to meet Liam’s cheek then lowered to his left pectoral.

What the fuck?

Even in the distance, I could hear her discerning, throaty, one cigarette too many, giggle leave her chest. What caught me completely off-guard were Liam’s arms snaking around her waist, his hands set on each ass cheek that was barely covered with the tiny white shorts she was wearing. He pulled her into him, his lips crashing down to her as she tipped her head back to reciprocate.

I
was standing no more than eight feet away, my breathing coming in short, and frantic pants. The sand sucked me under, proving too weighty for me to even lift my legs to close the remaining space between us. I tried to shout, instead, my words were unfettered as a quavering, mistrusting sound as my voice box jittered. “Wh–what the Hell is this?”

The
cavorting twosome relinquished each other and gaped at me like they’d been caught with their hands in the chocolate cake, despite the fact that they were told it was forbidden.

“Don’t just stand there. What the fuck was that?” I challenged once
again, sensing the anger stirring within the depths of my soul but for some reason was incapable of liberation.

“
Chick, I’m so sorry, I wanted to te––” at least she had the decency to look contrite about it, but before she could continue, her words were halted by the dismissive wave of Liam’s hand.

H
e took a steady step towards me, while Liv threw a frown at his back. “Kady,” drawing out my name like I was an errant child about to fly into a full blown hissy fit in the local store, he continued with his right palm raised towards me, his head cocked. “I don’t know what you thought you saw, baby, but nothing is happening.”

“Nothing…h–happening…?” I grimaced, “Are you fucking kidding me!”
The inner me begged to be released, to scream and demand answers, but she was under wraps. Instead, I stood there like a lemon once again, being compelled to question my sanity as my hands went numb and the ice-creams fell into the sand. “I saw you both. You were caught red handed with yours on her ass, your lips on hers,”––I pointed at Liv over his shoulder––“Don’t you dare tell me––”

Despite
my desire to move away from him, my legs and mind refused to join forces, and the distance between us continued closing. “Baby, I promise you. Nothing happened. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea coming here today. You just got out of that place after suffering paranoid delusions. This is obviously too much stimulation for you, Kady. I’m sorry, baby. Here take one of your pills.”

“I don’t want any fucking pills; I want the truth,
Liam.”

Liv opened her mouth, a
little groan of protest ripped from her throat. The rational part of my head was happy that she wanted to say something. Maybe the truth. Validate what I just fucking saw, because I knew what I saw with my own two eyes. I think.

As soon as that husky groan was freed, Liam quickly flung his left hand back in her direction and held it there, a wordless motion to get her to shut up.
“Kady, listen. You’re getting yourself into a state. You’re agitated. Nothing happened, baby. It’s all in your head. Maybe they shouldn’t have let you out. Maybe we should take you back.”

Take me back t
o Pinewood? No way. I just got out. I wasn’t going back. No chance. I’d drown myself first.

“A few more days might help,
” he added, his voice velvet soft caressing my flesh.

The mere notion of going back to the looney bin was enough to overshadow the incident I just witnessed. If Liam decided that I should go back, I knew there was nothing I could possibly do to stop it. He could sign me in and leave me there, no problem.
I shook my head frantically. “No, Liam. I don’t want to go back, please. Please, don’t make me go back.”

He was standing
right in front of me, towering over me and smelling like Liv’s expensive perfume. Or did he? I fisted my hands into my hair in exasperation, my eyes burning with salted moisture. What the fuck was wrong with me?

The pill bottle was drawn out of the back pocket of his shorts, w
ith the greatest concern reflecting in his eyes. Opening the lid, a pill was tipped into the palm of his hand. “Then take your pills, Kady. You need them, baby. You promised me that you’d take them.” He presented it like Lucifer offering an apple to the starved. In his eyes, coercion overturned his concern and glinted like silver blades.

Wearily, I eventually took
it from his hand, popped it in my mouth and down my throat before being swallowed up in his arms. I didn’t fight back. I allowed his warm and hard muscle to offer comfort. “I’m sorry, Liam. I really thought that I saw––”

“Shush, baby, it’s okay now. But you owe Liv an apology
, too.”

Sniffling, I apologized to Liv
from over his shoulder.

She simply nodded with a displeased look on her face.

“Can we go home now please?”

He kissed the top of my head. “Of course we can. I’ll drive; you can sleep in the back. Liv can sit shotgun.”

The journey back home was only a forty minute drive. Nevertheless, I was in and out. I swore at one point, I saw Liam’s hand resting on Liv’s thigh as I fluttered my lids open. The tears came, as did more questions, so many questions. Eventually, I slipped back into slumber.

What
was wrong with me? What was wrong with my mind? I didn’t know what’s real anymore…why couldn’t I just be normal.

Normal.

What is normal?

6
th
June, 2013.

The day before the accident…

For over three hundred and sixty-five days, I had concentrated profusely on throwing myself in to distraction. Three hundred and sixty-five days…twelve months…it seems so long. It’s not.

The days, well, my days at least, were blurred
, distorted. They were filled with unspoken qualms of what was real, and what wasn’t.

During those twelve months, four weeks were spent back in Pinewood, dosed back up to the eyeballs, dwelling on why my mind worked the way it had been. I had never been a troubled child. There was no history of mental illness, delusions, depression or anxiety.
Nevertheless, I guessed my rap sheet was a mile long with medications and statements from Liam recounting a few vital moments where I had blacked-out and been a danger to him or myself.

Incalculable times I had seen
both Liv and Liam, in less than compromising circumstances. Seeing them kissing in the car, making out in my kitchen…walking in on them in my bed. At least, that’s what I thought I was seeing. Bursting with rage, I’d fly off the handle, shouting obscenities and demanding explanations. Without fail, Liam like a white knight absent sword but armed with my tranquilizers, would come to my aid, alleviating that hurt and anger as he talked some sense into me through my delusional haze.

In the end, I came to realize I was merely visualizing something that I feared. So when my fear and paranoia played with my mind, I’d screw my eyes tightly, wishing it away. Then
I’d down the pills myself and go to sleep. Everything was always better after that.

When I wasn’t locked up like the nut-job I was, Laurie’s advice
was taken. Not only did I enjoy baking cakes, but I was able to use it as a diversion, something to concentrate on to mellow my mood without the need of further pills, considering Dr. Oleman discontinued my anti-depressants. And although it took a while for me to feel enthusiastic about it, I finally resigned when Liam went ahead and signed me up for decorating courses to further that skill.

I’d
stand back and study the edible masterpiece which I created, and I would be overflowing with a sense of achievement. Nothing compared, however, to the sense of achievement unlocking when your customer is in awe of what your hands have accomplished.

It was when Laurie dropped into conversation about a unit going to waste in Bricksdale Square, and the
element of how unemployment rates were still a problem, that Liam’s statement from the night I met Laurie flicked in our heads.

See, that’s why it’s more
fulfilling being your own boss.

With Liam’s help, we signed a joint lease
and Ent-icing was established. Everything was down to him. He made it possible. And we owed him for that.

Over time, b
usiness trips for Liam went from once every few months, to practically once a month, every month. Did it bother me how it used to, being left without my partner from anything from two nights, to five nights? No. Not one bit. Why? Because each time he was away, I felt a sense of normalcy returning. I was able to forget about all the shit that went on in my relationship, down to the deep, dark places of my mind, and focus on being me. Kady Jenson.

That and
the fact of, I wasn’t ever truly left alone. I had my business partner who had grown to become one of my best friends, and her cousin by marriage, who was also my anchor, Walker, and he was doing a great job of being that anchor.

There were times over the year when the familiar boiling rage sat in my chest and gut, radiating its hea
t and hatred throughout my body, and I’d call him for help. Sometimes he’d take me to his apartment and give me what I needed. Switch, spank, lash, even use my ‘favored method’ as he heated a blunt blade and pressed it against my thigh, or have me lay face down in his sheets and pour hot wax down my spine.

I remembered him straddling the backs of my thighs as I called out
when my flesh was pasted by the steady streaming of scalding wax, its intensity delivered fire on sensitive skin, while it cooled and extinguished the brutality of haywire emotions under my surface. In dire circumstances where I would have freely tossed myself out of the pick-up on the highway, if that is what it would take to bring an end to the frustrations and rage inside of me, there was no other option but to pull into an abandoned parking lot or a field, bend me over the truck and improvise.

It’s difficult to understand and accept that there
was no sexual gratification in what we were doing. It was purely for relief, an outlet in which he worried about my ability to lose control. It was a factor, and that factor had brought us closer. It was a safe way to obtain my release.