Endless (49 page)

Eventually, when the sun started to go down and the room became dark, I got back up and stood at the end of the bed.

‘I know you asked Phoenix to kill you,’ I said, my voice breaking on every word. ‘I know you two made your deals, but Phoenix isn’t here any more.’ I shook my head and made my way to the door, looking back at him once before I opened it. ‘Did you really think it would be that easy?’

I left.

Everyone was still there and watched as I walked back into the living room and picked up Lincoln’s car keys. I could feel all of them holding their breath, waiting for me to tell them. I knew they all thought I had come to kill him. As his partner, the decision had been left in my hands.

I looked at Griffin. ‘No one touches him until I get back.’

Griffin stood. ‘Where are you going?’ he asked.

‘To give an angel a choice.’

Spence was at
the driver’s door the moment I unlocked it.

I looked at him with empty eyes.

He held out his hand, staring back at me. ‘Screw it. You can beat the crap out of me if you want, but you’re not going on your own.’ He pushed his open hand closer to me. ‘Keys.’

‘You can’t come where I’m going,’ I replied rigidly.

‘I’ll come as far as I can, then. You and I both know it’s the smart thing to do. I’m good back-up. Plus …’ He looked at the car. ‘You drive like shit.’

I swallowed. He
was
good back-up. And I did drive like shit.

‘I can’t… talk.’

He half smiled. ‘Never much liked your conversation anyway.’

I rolled my eyes and slapped the keys into his hand.

‘See, Eden. You can’t resist me. No woman can,’ he said, smiling as he got into the car.

I ignored him and pulled out the directions I had prepared.

‘Where are we headed?’ he asked, starting up the four-wheel drive that smelled of Lincoln.

I rolled down the window. ‘To a cliff.’

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

‘There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance
.’

Gilbert Parker

S
pence was the only one who could
have talked his way into coming with me. And he stayed true to his word, not saying anything except when essential, which was basically, ‘Time to get petrol,’ and ‘Left here?’

It was strange being back in the wilderness. Back to where it had all begun. Now, I’d come full circle.

We set up camp, finding supplies in the back of Lincoln’s car and building a campfire. The place was as forbidding as it had been the first time I was there. As Spence and I sat in silence and, later, pretended to sleep, I couldn’t help but think of my last time in this forest … pretending to sleep.

I had dreamed of Phoenix every now and then – he’d materialise in a flash and disappear just as quickly. I hated the thought of where he was, but he had told me himself that there is no other place for exiles than the pits of Hell.

On the night of the fire at the estate, Spence had tried to go back into the building for Phoenix’s body. He didn’t care much for Phoenix himself,
but Spence knew he mattered to me and guessed I’d like to be able to bury him. He was right. But other Grigori had held him back at the last second, stopping him from returning into the inferno. That place was now Phoenix’s coffin.

While Spence rested I got up and wandered through the dark woods. My Grigori enhanced vision made it much easier than the last time I was here. I soon found the spot where Phoenix and I had camped and sat down on the large rock where he had sat beside me.

‘Sometimes, I still want to blame you,’ I whispered into the darkness. ‘Sometimes, I want it all to have been your fault. But I don’t and … it wasn’t.’ I looked up at the sky. Stars shone brightly, shimmering attentively as if listening to my every word. ‘You saved those kids. They have a chance now, a future. You did good.’ I sniffed, trying to hold myself together. ‘But I still hate you.’ A tear slipped down my cheek. ‘I hate what the two of you did. You both just …’ I blew out a breath shakily. ‘You left me and now I can’t go, but I can’t stay either.’

I stood and wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. Phoenix had been wrong about a lot of things. But he’d been right about one thing: ‘Love
has
killed us all.’

In the pre-dawn hours, Spence climbed the mountain with me, insisting on escorting me to the top. His exact words were, ‘In case you decide to jump at the wrong moment.’ He was only half joking.

We hiked the
steep rock face in silence.

When sunrise teased the horizon, I made my way to the edge of the cliff.

So many what ifs.

I toed the edge and waited for the first rays of sunlight to pierce the dark sky. The timing had to be right.

‘You think this is gonna work?’ Spence asked finally, unable to help himself.

It was a good question. Grigori aren’t supposed to jump off cliffs whenever they like and expect an angelic audience in return. That one move is reserved for when we embrace. But I needed to do this my way, on my terms.

‘I’ll tell you at the bottom,’ I said, as the sun’s first pale pink rays speared the sky, illuminating a thick band of cloud.

Arms wide, I leaped.

I landed on my back with a thump in the desert. I jumped to my feet and gritted my teeth.

‘No desert,’ I commanded.

The desert disappeared and I was left in darkness, surrounded by nothing other than glittering stars, which cast little light.

Uri stood before me, somehow perfectly lit. ‘Why do you call us, Keshet?’

‘I’m not calling you. I want to see my maker.’

Uri’s chin lifted. Pride. ‘You think you are entitled to such an audience at your request?’

‘Yes.’

He stared at me.
I put my hands on my hips and stared back. For the first time, he gave me a small smile.

‘I believe he may agree with you.’

I tried to hide my surprise. ‘You know who he is?’ As far as I was aware, neither Uri nor Nox knew his full identity.

‘It has become paramount to our duties,’ Uri nodded and, if I wasn’t mistaken, there was something of a bow in there, too. ‘Do you remember my words, Keshet?’

‘I’m not surrendering any more, Uri.’

His look saddened. ‘I’m afraid that will not serve you well. Surrender brings both despair and joy – but if you choose not to give in to it, you cannot expect either.’

I was so sick of this. ‘Fine by me,’ I responded.

His gaze dropped. ‘As you wish.’

He disappeared and I was left with the hollow feeling that I had just disappointed him. But before I had a chance to ponder any further, the one I’d come to see was beside me.

‘Would you feel more comfortable with a different surrounding?’ my angel maker asked.

I ignored the question. The truth was, the nothingness surrounding me felt right. ‘You told me I could ask for something when I won the war.’

‘I did.’

‘Have I won the war?’

‘This one, yes, I believe so. Lilith will not return.’ The corners of his mouth curled, reminding me he was a fierce warrior.

‘Then I want three things,’ I blurted out.

His eyes narrowed. ‘I cannot offer so many. You must choose.’

‘No, I must not. I will
be your warrior. I will become a Grigori like no other. I will take down every exile that threatens humanity. I give you my word. But it will be my way, by my rules. If you want that, I have terms. So, you see, it’s not me that has to choose anything, it’s you.’

He shook his head. ‘Just like your mother. Tell me.’

I stared out into the darkness. Some of the stars seemed to be moving, now floating around me. There were so many of them.

How can there be so many?

‘I want them to have a chance. Mum and Dad. You can give Dad back the years that were stolen from him, give them a future together.’

‘And are you a part of their future?’ he asked.

‘I … I don’t know.’

‘I can’t give them what you ask but I can provide a choice that would give them something close. But they must choose this of their own free will, and desire it greatly, for it to be so.’

I knew he wasn’t telling me everything but at least they would have a choice. I nodded and continued. ‘I want Phoenix to have a chance at peace. I know where he is and he doesn’t belong there. He deserves more.’

My angel maker’s eyes lit up mischievously. ‘Done.’

My mouth fell open with shock. ‘Really?’

He nodded. ‘Phoenix made his choices, too. Wrong though many of them were, in the end he chose to overcome his true nature. Very few – angel, exile or human – ever achieve this. Redemption was his.’

My legs buckled, my angel maker catching me by the elbow as I struggled for breath.

‘He’s in Heaven or something?’

He waited
until I steadied myself. ‘Something.’ His smile faded as he studied me, awaiting my final request. ‘I am quite certain I know what number three is, but that is not a gift for me to give.’

‘I haven’t even asked yet.’

His eyes were all too knowing. ‘You want me to return your love.’

My heart skipped a beat. ‘Yes,’ I breathed.

‘I cannot.’ He sighed – such a human reaction that it affected me. ‘It is not in my power to do such things.’

I felt hope slipping away from me. ‘But Phoenix said … He said that if I came here I could find him. That there was a way.’

My angel maker considered this. ‘You see them. We know that much, but we cannot risk losing you.’

‘Wait, “see them?” What?’ But then I realised what he was talking about. ‘The shimmery things? Yes.’

‘Do you know what they are?’

‘No,’ I said looking out into the dark night seeing now that the many moving stars were in fact reflections, moving closer towards us, hovering. ‘Can they help me?’

‘Perhaps. They are the imprints of lost souls. There is a chance your love lies within them.’

My heart started to race with possibility. ‘So I can find him?’

My angel maker didn’t share my excitement. In fact, he became forlorn. ‘There are billions of them out there, child. An impossible and dangerous feat. And you are needed for other things.’