Endless, Forever (11 page)

Gabe’s fingers moved up and down Oliver’s spine, just the barest pressure.  “I know, babe.  And no one expects you to just grin and bear it.  Your mother was a fucking demon, Ollie, but she’s still your mother, and you’re going to be conflicted.  It’s okay to hurt.”

Oliver swallowed back the tears, and pushed his face harder into Gabe’s neck.  “Can we go home, please?  I just…I need…”  He stopped and cleared his throat, hoping Gabe understood what he wanted to say.

Gabe’s free hand reached down and took one of Oliver’s, squeezing his fingers.  “Yeah.  Of course we can.”

Oliver allowed himself to be pulled up, and their fingers twinned together as they made their way down the street to Gabe’s apartment.  Once inside, Oliver was surrounded by the sights and smells of everything familiar he had been craving since he learned about his mother.  The door shut swiftly, the sound echoing through the quiet room, and then hands were on him.

Gabe shoved him up against the door, his nose pressing into Oliver’s cheek with purpose, his mouth curved into a smile as he pressed a soft kiss to Oliver’s skin.  “Missed you,” he breathed.

It sent shivers up his spine, and Oliver quickly fisted his hands into the front of Gabe’s shirt, tugging him close.  “I missed you too.  And I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are,” Gabe said, speaking right up against his lips.  He brought one hand up, tugging Oliver’s hair out of the bun, and carded his fingers through it as it fell in soft waves around his shoulders.  “And I forgive you.  So moving on, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Oliver mumbled, then palmed both of Gabriel’s cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss.  His tongue slipped inside Oliver’s mouth gently, needy but careful, and trying to speak how much he loved Gabriel without using his words.

Before long, Gabriel was tugging him back down the hall, into the bedroom.  The bed was unmade, the window open letting in a faint breeze which promised an early summer heat.  Oliver fell back, laughing a little as Gabe knelt between his thighs, going immediately for the fastening on his jeans.

Undone, Oliver lifted his hips so Gabe could remove the offending bit of clothing, letting it pile onto the floor.  It was soon followed by Oliver’s shirt, then Gabe’s jogging pants, binder, and t-shirt.  Skin to skin now, chest to chest, they kissed slow and languid.

Oliver felt himself harden against Gabe’s thigh which was pressed between his legs, and he shifted, grinding hard.  “God.  Want you so bad.”

“Me too,” Gabe breathed.  He kissed Oliver again, fumbling for his nightstand where they were well stocked.

It wasn’t long before Oliver was kneeling between Gabe’s legs, his hand teasing Gabe’s clit gently as he used the other to slather his condom-covered erection in lube.  Gabe bucked beneath Oliver’s careful, pressing fingers, getting close to the edge as Oliver shifted, positioning himself at his boyfriend’s entrance.

He curled one hand around Gabe’s thigh, the other going up to cup his small breast, fingers toying with his nipple.  “Ready for me?” he breathed.

Gabe gave a choked moan, nodding his head fast and tightened his muscles as Oliver slid in with one, smooth thrust.  They both let out a small cry.  It felt like years since they’d been here, though it had only been days.  But the distance Oliver had put between them spoke volumes and volumes, and he never wanted to experience that again.

“Uhg, fuck,” Oliver muttered, lowering himself down to kiss Gabriel on the lips.  “
Fuck
.”

“El—eloquent,” Gabriel panted back against him.

Oliver couldn’t help a strangled laugh as he thrust in harder, making Gabe’s face redden and his muscles tighten.  His legs went up higher, wrapping around Oliver’s hips, taking him in deeper.  His mouth was open in a slight pant, right up against Oliver’s, and he began to cant his hips in time with the other man’s.

“So…fucking…close,” Gabe gasped.

Oliver gave only a grunt in reply as he held Gabe by one shoulder, speeding up his thrusts until they were erratic and hard.  He felt Gabe come first, quivering and trembling around him.  A rush of liquid surrounded his prick, and it was all he needed to be sent crashing over the edge.

His head bowed forward, and he felt Gabe’s breath brushing across his cheeks as the aftershocks made his arms shake and shiver.  After a moment, when it felt like his arms would give out, he rolled to the side and carefully removed the condom, tying it off and throwing it into the bin.

Rolling onto his side, his hand snaked out, carefully brushing a few sweaty curls away from Gabe’s forehead.  “That was bloody fantastic.”

Gabe let out a happy hum as he leaned into Oliver’s touch just a little.  “Yeah, it was.  I hate fighting, but let’s promise to make up this way every time.”

Oliver chuckled and grabbed Gabe by the shoulder, drawing him close.  “I can live with that.  But let’s not have too many rows, yeah?  I prefer the sweet stuff.”

Gabe let out the smallest laugh as he reached up, letting his long fingers draw down Oliver’s cheek.  “Look at you.  Not a year ago, you hadn’t even had a boyfriend before and just wanted to get your rocks off with quick, one night stands.  Now you like the sweet stuff.”

“You’ve corrupted me with your evil, slaggish ways,” Oliver murmured, pressing a line of kisses down Gabe’s jaw.  “It’s criminal.  You should be punished.”

“That right?” Gabe asked in a low voice.  “How so.”

Grinning wickedly, Oliver kissed him long and slow.  “Oh,” he said when he pulled away, “I bet I can come up with something.”

Chapter Twelve

The rest of May passed without any real incident.  Leo managed to make it to most of his classes, and passed them all, even if the grades had only just scraped a high C.  But it meant he wouldn’t lose his place at the University, and he was doing his best to keep it together.

Coco moved out shortly after, which Oliver was sad to see her go, but watching her graduate was a moment of pride for him.  She’d been offered a job at a company in Spain starting almost immediately, so the last week of May was spent with the four of them having a huge yard sale, and packing what little she was going to take with her.

“You know,” she said that evening over a massive pile of Chinese take-out boxes and several empty beer bottles, “this house is going to be awfully empty without me here.”

“Like you ever were,” Leo said, rolling his eyes from his spot where he was sprawled across the armchair.  “What are we supposed to miss, exactly?  The random heels left in the middle of the floor?  Or when you’d use my toothbrush to unclog the drain?”

“Only when you cut your hair in the sink and then tried to wash it down, you asshole,” she said, rolling her eyes.

Leo flipped her a V with his two fingers, then reached for his beer, taking down the rest and slamming the empty bottle on the floor beside him.  “Spain’s going to be fantastic, you know.  Good beaches, good people.  Amazing food.  You’re going to have an amazing time and never want to come back.”

“I certainly can’t wait,” she said, grinning.  Her gaze flickered over to the couch were Oliver was laying between Gabe’s legs, his head resting on his boyfriend’s chest.  “Anyway, as I was saying about this place being all quiet and lonely.”

Oliver blinked at her.  “What of it?  I’m not keen on moving, and if you think I’m going to trust some stranger to move in…”

“Not a stranger,” she said pointedly.

Oliver followed her gaze to Gabriel’s face, and felt his face redden.  “Oy, d’you mind?  Isn’t that the boyfriend’s job to ask?”

“Just…isn’t your aunt coming back soon?  Your shag pad’s about to get all…not sexy,” she said with a shrug.

Gabe cleared his throat and his grip on Oliver went just a little tight.  “I think Ollie’s right about the whole discussing it
not
with the person who’s about to pack her shit and go to Spain, and leave us plebeians here with the dredges of American society.”

“You’ll get your chance to escape the Americans and inflict yourself on the Europeans soon enough.  Aren’t these two going to give you some European tour soon?  Show you all the filthy alleyways and reasons why the English are
so
not cooler than Americans?”

“We
so
are,” Leo said lazily.  “And our accents are much sexier.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Oliver said with a grin up at Gabe.  “The California accent isn’t bad at all.”

“You’re just biased,” Gabe said lightly.

“Anyway, moving on,” Coco said, shrugging.  “I will be writing, you know.  And inviting you over to enjoy the nice, Spanish sun.  Now that you two have been at least a little acclimated to things other than foggy London, I think you could survive a week or so.”

“Just don’t expect us to tan,” Leo said, smiling at her.

“After three years knowing you both, I know there’s a better chance of snow on the beach at Christmas.”

***

A few hours later found Gabe and Oliver sinking into Oliver’s bed.  Coco had left, visiting a few family members before she was off to Spain, and Leo was out with a bunch of people from the trans group.

It left the house quiet, and Gabe was already shrugging into a pair of Oliver’s pajamas before Oliver even asked if his boyfriend was staying.  Smiling to himself, Oliver allowed himself a few minutes to think about what it would be like to share a place with his boyfriend.  He certainly wouldn’t hate it, and they spent a lot of time together anyway.

They were only a few months away from their one-year anniversary, and that seemed like a reasonable amount of time to take the next step.  But it hadn’t gone unnoticed how uncomfortable that idea made Gabe when Coco brought it up.  It made him wonder if Gabe was having second thoughts, and he realized he wouldn’t be able to let it go until he talked to him about it.

As the pair settled in, Gabe’s head pillowed on Oliver’s shoulder with a warm arm around him, Oliver pressed a soft kiss to his boyfriend’s curls.  “Hey love?”

“Mm?” Gabe turned slightly, pressing a kiss to the top of Oliver’s ribs.

“Sleepin’?”

Gabe let out a low, tired chuckle.  “Not yet.  Why?”

“I just…”  Oliver took a breath.  “What Coco said.  Earlier.”

Gabe went a little tense in Oliver’s arms.  “You really want to talk about this right now?”

“Don’t see why not,” Oliver pressed.  He let Gabe back away, both of them shuffling up to pillows, and Gabe leaned on his side, propping his head up on his hand.  “It’s not unreasonable to consider it.”

“No, it’s not,” Gabe agreed, but there was something in his eyes that didn’t align with his words.

“I mean, we’ve made it this long, yeah?  And I like you.  I spend enough time with you.”

Gabe let out a long, slow breath.  “Is it so terrible that I like with what we’ve got going on right now?”

Oliver pursed his lips, trying not to feel the sting under his ribs.  “No.  But…are you not happy with me?”

“You know I am,” Gabe insisted.  He reached one hand up, trailing it up and down Oliver’s sternum.  “I love you.”

Oliver swallowed thickly, then asked the question which had been burning in his gut.  “Is this because of what happened after my dad visited?”  Gabe’s wince was all Oliver needed for conformation.  “Bloody fucking
Christ
, Gabriel,” Oliver said, trying not to let his frustration seep into his tone.  “I can’t possibly be more sorry, can’t possibly feel worse about it.  But am I not allowed a mistake?  Can I not be an arse once or twice in this relationship?”

Gabe shifted away slightly, his gaze hardening.  “You can, and that’s not the point.  I forgave you, and it’s not what
happened
that bothers me.”

“So what is it?  You don’t trust me?”

“Truthfully?” Gabe asked, and Oliver nodded.  “No, I don’t.  I mean, not entirely.”

Oliver reeled back like he’d been slapped, hurt rushing through his body like it never had before.  “What have I done besides that one thing—in nearly a sodding year—that gives you reason not to trust me?”

Gabriel took a long breath, then eased himself up into a sitting position.  Shifting to the side to better look at Oliver, he pressed his back to the wall, one leg cocked up and hugged to his chest.  “You still haven’t dealt with what your mother did to you when you were a kid, Ollie.  You’ve stopped living for your brother, and you’ve stopped denying yourself things you deserve.  But you haven’t bothered to
deal
with it.  And now your mom is dying.”

Feeling his throat go tight, Oliver sat up and leveled a stare at his boyfriend, not quite understanding his point.  “
And
?”

“
And
… even if you could fly there right now and say all the things you’ve always wanted to say to her, things she deserves to hear, it won’t matter.  She’s already too far gone.  So you’ll have to live the rest of your life without getting any real resolution.  You haven’t been dealing, Oliver, and when she dies, I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to you.  I’m afraid you’re going to spiral so far, you won’t be able to come back again.”

Oliver closed his eyes very slowly, his hands clenched into fists.  He was fighting back memories, fighting back the phantom aches in his scars, and the haunting echoes of his screams as he begged to be let go.  He swallowed, breathed, and counted to ten.

When he opened his eyes again, he spoke calmly.  “I can’t pretend like I know what will happen when she goes.  I’ve never lost a parent before, and God only knows how well I’ve dealt so far.  And maybe you’re right—I might spiral, but to punish me before something actually happens…”

“This isn’t a
punishment
, Oliver,” Gabriel said in a rush.  “I’m not saying never.  I’m saying not right now.  Just hearing she was sick sent you into a two-day drinking binge, and while I
do
love you—more than I’ve ever loved a partner before— I have to protect myself.”

“So it’s a
test
.  You want to see how I hold up under pressure?”  Oliver’s tone was harsh, but he couldn’t help it.  The pain in his chest from knowing Gabriel didn’t trust him was overwhelming.

Gabriel looked hurt, and Oliver felt a wave of guilt because he
did
sort of understand where his boyfriend was coming from.  How could he not, when Gabe was only speaking the truth.  But he didn’t feel like he was slipping.  He had support, he had the only family he loved living under his roof, and he had someone who loved him to the ends of the earth.  Someone he loved back.

So why should his life be thrown into ruins when that old bitch finally croaked?

“I understand why you don’t get where I’m coming from,” Gabe said after some silence.  “You have no context.  You’ve never dated before me, and…and I know my words hurt you.  I’m not asking you to try to understand me, either.  I’m just asking that you respect my decision.  I don’t want this to come between us, and we see each other so much anyway.  Nothing has to change, Ollie.  I’m not saying no.  I’m not saying never.  I’m just saying not right
now
.”

“Not right now,” Oliver repeated.

Gabe nodded, meeting Oliver’s gaze firmly.  “We can revisit the idea soon, okay?  As soon as everything’s over.  Alright?”

Oliver forced himself to focus on his love for the other man, on his patience he had for Gabriel that he didn’t have for anyone else.  His head fell forward, then picked back up, and he realized he was nodding.  “Alright.  I can do that.”

To his credit, Gabriel didn’t insult Oliver by looking surprised that his boyfriend agreed.  Instead, he gave Oliver a slow, sappy smile, and reached out a careful hand, pulling him close.  “I love you
so
much.”

Oliver bent his head down as they moved back beneath the covers and held each other.  “Just promise you’ll spend loads of nights here with me, in my bed.  All snuggly.”

Gabriel laughed quietly and kissed Oliver on the side of the neck.  “Just like this?”

Oliver moved even closer, and held even tighter.  “Yes, love.  Just like this.”