Engage (4 page)

“Where are you going to go?” I asked, finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden.

His eyes were mesmerizing, holding me in place as he took a step closer. “I don’t know yet.”

“What about a job?”

“I have some money saved up, so I can spend some time looking. But I think I want to be in law enforcement.”

Another noble career. “See? You’re an honorable guy through and through.”

His lips bent into a rueful grin. “I guess I am.” Suddenly, he was in front of me, so close all I had to do was lean forward and I would be touching his chest. “Don’t move in with him, Elsie,” he said.

My anger came roaring back to life. “You can’t tell me what to do,” I said, straightening my spine and pulling away from his gravitational pull.

He rested a hand against my neck. “I’m not telling you,” he said gently. “I’m asking you.”

It took me a moment to find my voice. “It’s no longer your place to ask.” I took a step away and tried to clear my head. “Do you want a beer?” I asked, turning away and escaping to the kitchen.

He sighed. “Sure.”

We sat down at my tiny dining table and I asked questions about what he’d done in Korea to avoid talking about what he was currently doing in Oklahoma. Henry, for his part, didn’t bring up my moving in with Seth again. Instead he leaned his elbows on the table and talked animatedly about his adventures in Asia as easily as if he was talking to an old friend.

I hoped, as I sat across the table, that the round slab of wood was enough distance to keep me from falling again but the erratic thudding in my chest indicated otherwise. The tree had been old judging from the growth rings on the table’s lacquered surface, but its age was nothing compared to my long history with the man sitting across it.

The conversation came to a natural end around three in the morning. I yawned and stood up, collecting the empty bottles of beer on the table.

“Shit, it’s late,” Henry said, stretching his arms above his head. “I’d better get going.”

“Where are you staying?”

“At a buddy’s place in Norman. His couch is smells like ass but it beats the floor.”

The right thing to do was offer my pullout couch but I was too scared of what would happen if I did. “Well, it was great to see you,” I said instead and walked him to the door.

He gave me a tentative little hug at the threshold. “You too.”

I closed my eyes and relished the feel of his strong arms around me, catching glimpses of my yesterlife on the back of my eyelids.

“You shouldn’t be with him,” Henry said as he pulled away.

I blinked up at him, momentarily addled. “Who?”

“Your boyfriend.”

“Why not?”

“Because you don’t love him.”

I folded my arms across my chest. Just like that, Henry was back to being a dickhead. “How the hell do you know that?”

One side of his mouth quirked up. “Many things have changed about you, Elsie, but one thing is still the same and that is you still wear your emotions on your face. If you loved him, you wouldn’t blush whenever I touch you.” He pressed a cool finger to my warm cheek, proving his point. God, I hated it when he was right.

“Well who I love is not really your business,” I said, swatting his hand away and stepping back into the safety of my apartment. “Goodnight.” I moved to close the door when his hand slapped its surface.

“Go on a date with me,” he said.

Despite my racing heart, I tried to play it cool. “I have a boyfriend, remember? We were
just
talking about him.”

He scratched the back of his head. “I know,” he said, searching for words. “I just… I miss you.”

Before, my heart would have soared at his confession; now it just leapt around a little cautiously, afraid to take flight. “I appreciate your honesty but—”

“One date,” he said, holding up his finger. “If, after that date, you decide that you don’t want me back then I’ll go away. I’ll move to another state.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think a date is a good idea.”

“Give me one chance. It doesn’t have to be a date. It can just be hanging out with an old friend,” he said, grasping my hand. “I know I can make you happier than that guy.”

True, but he could also devastate me to a greater degree.

“Please.”

It was that one word coming from the bossiest man I knew that finally caused me to reconsider. “Okay,” I said. “We can hang out once.”

A wide smile lit up his face, reminding me of the boy I knew so long ago. “Tomorrow?” he asked and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek when I nodded. Then with a wink he walked off into the night. A few seconds later, I heard a loud rumble that sounded suspiciously like a motorcycle, the sound rolling off into the distance.

4  |  PEACE TALKS

Henry showed up at my door the next afternoon wearing a pair of black sweat pants and a long-sleeved Under Armour shirt, a backpack slung over one shoulder.

I looked down at my own outfit of skinny jeans, a loose cashmere sweater, and heels and wondered where we’d gotten our wires crossed. “I thought we were going to the Cowboy Museum?” I asked as I stepped aside and let him inside the apartment.

He grinned and kissed my cheek, smelling like fresh sweat. “Sorry, the showers were down at the gym. Can I use yours?”

I tried not to stare at the muscles encased in the tight shirt as I nodded. “The door to the left.”

“I’ll just be a few minutes,” he said, flashing me a grin before rushing off.

I tried to occupy myself with a food show on television but my mind kept wandering off to the naked guy in my shower, the water dripping down his olive skin in rivulets as he rubbed his body down with soap…

I chastised myself. I had a boyfriend and his name was Seth and he was wonderful and funny. Henry was just taking a shower, like billions of people had done before him. The fact that he was naked in my bathroom at this very moment meant nothing.

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

But then Henry came out, dripping wet and completely naked except for the balled-up shirt that he was holding against his crotch. I was pretty sure a little nuclear bomb went off in my nether regions at the sight of him. “Where are your towels?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Careful to shield my thoughts, I stood up from the couch and walked past him to the linen closet. “Didn’t you bring one?” I asked, shoving a towel in his chest. I averted my eyes as I walked past him again, though I caught a whiff of fresh, cool scent.

“Thanks. I never bring one because they usually have them at the gym,” he said. He turned and walked back into the bathroom, deliberately giving me an unobstructed view of his firm ass and muscular thighs.

“Henry put some clothes on!” I cried as I turned away, his chuckles echoing in the bathroom as he shut the door.

Ten minutes later we were finally on our way. He was wearing dark jeans, black shoes, and a purple button-down shirt peeking from a grey sweater, and he had shaved. I was little sad to see the stubble go, but clean-shaven Henry was painfully gorgeous in his own right.

It didn’t really matter, I told myself, because I had a boyfriend. What Henry looked like was not the point. He was just a friend and we were just hanging out.

Still, he looked really handsome as he drove the pre-owned Volvo S80 he had recently purchased to the Oklahoma City Museum of Art downtown. I couldn’t help but sneak glances at him, as guilty as it made me feel.

We paid for our tickets separately because I insisted that it would be too much like a date if he paid for mine. He put up a fight, but I was determined to keep it platonic and got my way in the end. It was a quirk of the universe, sure, but it was also because when I really wanted something, I never gave up.

We were walking around the Dale Chihuly Glass Exhibit when I asked, “Why here?” We approached a wall of swirly glass sculptures of different shapes and colors that looked like frozen underwater creatures.

“This is the most platonic place I could think of,” he said, glancing at me before turning his attention back to the art. “I knew we both hadn’t been here before, so there would be no memories attached to the place to make you uncomfortable.”

We walked through a narrow hallway with a low ceiling filled with the glass sculptures that cast a colorful glow all around. “Memories don’t make
you
uncomfortable?”

We walked to the middle of the deserted hallway and stopped. He looked up at the hundreds of glass sculptures. “No,” he said, taking my hand. “Our memories give me peace. They give me a sense of identity.”

I looked at the kaleidoscope of colors on his face. “Have you found yourself, Henry?” I asked softly, afraid of the answer.

His eyes found mine and he nodded.

I felt relief, sure, but also an overwhelming sense of doubt. “How do you know?”

“Because I feel it,” he said, bringing my palm up to his chest. “I’ve discovered many things about myself, things I never would have known if we were still together.”

“Like what?”

“Like the fact that I love
Firefly
.”

I cracked up. “You already did before.”

“I know,” he said with a grin. “But I was never sure if it was because you and Jason loved it or if that was my real, honest-to-God opinion.”

I squeezed his hand. “Henry, I never meant to take over your life,” I said. “All I wanted was to be in it.”

He shook his head, his eyebrows drawn together. “It wasn’t your fault, Elsie. I’m the messed up idiot who thinks too much, who made a mess of everything.” He turned to face me, making my stomach flutter. “I know this guy. All his life he loved this girl who was perfect in every way but just when he finally convinced her to be his and they’re deliriously happy, he went and messed everything up.”

I swallowed down the sob that was ready to erupt. I blinked away the tears that were already starting to form. I chased away the hope that was threatening to explode all over my heart.

“But the thing that this guy finally realized is that, after he made peace with himself, he was still lost without his girl. Like living without one of his femurs, he was incomplete without her,” he said, repeating my words back in Monterey.

I pulled away and walked out of that damn romantic hallway, afraid of his words and of what they did to the coating around my heart.

“Elsie?”

“I don’t know how to believe you,” I said. My legs moved at a fast clip, too afraid to stop moving in case they start to buckle.

“Elsie, stop,” he said, grabbing hold of my wrist, but I twisted away and kept on walking towards the exit. This non-date, as far as I was concerned, was over.

“Did you listen to my tapes?” Henry asked as he drove home.

I looked out the passenger window and said, “Yes.”

“Well?”

“Well what?” I asked, finally looking at him. “What do you want me to say?”

“That you forgive me.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Oh, was
that
your apology?” I asked. “You should have just made me a mix tape.”

He sighed as he pulled into my apartment complex. “I get it, you’re not going to make this easy.”

“Ha.” As if he had ever made anything for me easy. I jumped out of the car before he had a chance to open my door then strode to my apartment.

Henry was hot on my heels, still in my space.

“So I gave you one chance. Now will you go away?” I asked, struggling to get the key into the hole.

“Is that what you really want?” he asked.

I looked away, unable to bear looking at the pain on his face. “That’s what’s best for me right now.”

“Okay.”

My eyes flicked up in surprise. “Okay?” I asked. “I thought you said you were going to fight like hell to get me back?”

“I’m picking my battles,” he said. “I have the rest of my life to win you back.”

I didn’t know if I wanted him to keep trying but one thing was certain at that moment: I still loved him, changed as he was. I didn’t think I could ever stop loving Henry Logan.

“But before I go, will you come to Dallas with me next weekend?”

His question took me aback. “What’s in Dallas?”

“There’s someone there I want you to meet.”

“It’s not a girlfriend, is it?” I asked, the very idea filling me with dread and copious amounts of rage.

He let out a short laugh. “That would be such a dickhead move.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you. Since you are one.” I felt like a five-year-old but sometimes saying exactly what goes through your head is therapeutic.

He gave a nod. “True. But no, this is not a girlfriend. Or a fiancée, or a wife.”

“Then who?”

“Just come with me and see.”

The idea of a road trip with Henry seemed risky. Three hours with nothing to do but talk was going to be hazardous to my health. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What if I said we could stop at Braum’s on the way there and on the way back?” he asked.

“Tempting me with ice cream?” I asked. “That’s low.”

He reached out and took my hand. “You’ll love it, I promise.”

I gazed at his face, at how much had changed in the past year. He was still recognizable, but I saw the tiny changes in him, knew that he was in a happier place in his life. Despite my reserve, I still felt the need to get to know this new Henry, if only to satisfy my curiosity.

“Okay, I’ll go.”

He smiled. “Wear warm clothes,” he said before giving a short wave and leaving.

Seth called that night, wondering how my Sunday had been. I hadn’t told him about Henry being in town, had only said that a friend and I were hanging out, which technically was not a lie. But I knew that little white lies had a way of accumulating until they became an avalanche of lies, so I told him about Henry to avoid getting buried.

Seth was silent for a long time after I was done with my confession. Finally he said, “So he’s backing off after Saturday?”

“That’s what he said,” I said with a pit of remorse in my stomach. Seth was a good guy and didn’t deserve to have a girlfriend who was still in love with someone else. “I’m sorry, Seth. I didn’t mean to lie about it.”