Enigma Black (11 page)

With the hope that I would slip back to my office undetected, I treaded as lightly as possible down the hallway. It was wishful thinking. The whispers started then. They started with the teller booths, moving on down to everyone whose office I passed clutching the empty box. By the time I reached my office, the whispers were almost deafening. I knew they were speculating on the reason for my meeting, the empty box, and exactly what was going on with me.

Before entering my office, I passed Veronica who was returning inside from a smoke break. Her eyes widened almost comically when I passed her without saying a word. Behind me, her heels once again clacked the floor with a vengeance to catch up with me. Stepping into my office, I placed the box on my desk to begin the task of gathering my possessions to fill it. Pictures; there were lots of pictures. Pictures of Chase, Lucy, Carrie, Chase’s father, Jim, and MaKayla all adorned my office, along with my degree and various knick-knacks given to me throughout my time here by co-workers and clients.

“What’s going on, Celaine?” Veronica’s voice was riddled with concern.

“I’ve had an opportunity presented to me that I can’t pass up and, unfortunately, it means that I’m leaving…today.”

I could see the tears forming in Veronica’s eyes as she walked closer to me. I looked down at the floor, unable to make eye contact with her anymore. Her arms wrapped around me.

“You could have at least given me a heads up.”

“I’m so sorry. I just found out about it myself and made the decision to leave this morning.”

“You and Chase are leaving then?’

I looked back up at her, throwing more items into my box. “Not exactly,” I mumbled.

“Oh, Celaine. I really hope you know what you’re doing and that you’re all right.”

“I know what I’m doing. Whether or not I’m all right, well, that’s always been up to interpretation.”

“That it has. That it has. What is this opportunity, anyway?”

“A job at another bank out West.”

“Out West? I didn’t know you were looking for another job or one out West for that matter.”

“It just kind of found me.”

“Oh… okay. Well, keep in touch…okay?”

“I will.” I hated lying.

Veronica hugged me again, drying her eyes on her sleeve. “Goodbye, Celaine. You’re one of the few good ones left.”

“If only that were true.” With a final sheepish smile, I picked up the half-full box from my desk, walking out of my office for the last time.

“Celaine,” Travis said from behind me.

“Goodbye, Travis,” I said back to him without turning around.

I walked out the door, down the steps and onto the sidewalk without looking back. They were watching me leave, I knew it. And I’m sure they were all wondering whether I’d completely lost my mind. Perhaps, I had.

As I walked down the street to my apartment, it seemed like the box was holding the weight of my decisions from the last twenty-four hours in it along with my possessions. Though, as hard as today was, it would pale in comparison to tomorrow. I would take a million todays over tomorrow. Chase would be far more inquisitive, far harder to convince. And as well he should be. He’d just invested two years of his life and his whole heart into a relationship that ended up leading him nowhere.

The key clicked in the lock of my apartment. I entered my living room, balancing the box on my free arm. Setting it down on my coffee table, I collapsed onto my couch. What was I going to tell Chase? Lucy?

My desk, a mahogany remnant from my parent’s home, sat in the corner of my living room, giving me inspiration. Like a beacon, it beckoned me to stand up and walk over to it. Opening one of its drawers, I found a notepad and pens in a coffee cup. I grabbed the notepad and sat down at the desk to think about what I wanted to say. What would I want Lucy to know? I sat for a minute before scribbling out a letter to her in my nearly illegible handwriting; a trait I blamed on having a doctor for a father.

Luce,

I’m so sorry for not having the chance to tell you this in person. I’ve been presented with an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. Don’t think that your advice drove me to it. I would have come to this conclusion no matter what you would have said to me. I just wanted you to know that you’ve been the best friend anyone could have ever wished for and I’m sorry. I’m so, so, incredibly sorry that I had to leave like this. Just know that what I’m doing is something I’ve dreamt of. I’m finally fulfilling a promise I made to myself a long time ago. If I can contact you, I will. Just know that I’m well and taken care of. I hope you achieve everything you ever dreamed you would. I know you’ll be great no matter what you do.

You will be my best friend for life,

Celaine

I would mail the letter tomorrow. It would reach Lucy well after I’d left. She would freak out and try calling me. When she couldn’t reach me, she would call Chase and the two of them would compare notes.

There was no way I could leave my second family without saying goodbye. To Carrie, Jim, and MaKayla I wrote:

Carrie, Jim and MaKayla (a.k.a. my other family):

Words can’t describe how much I love you guys. You’ve accepted me as your own and have truly brightened my otherwise dim existence. I’m sorry that I had to leave so abruptly, but I was given an opportunity that’s only offered once in a lifetime and I had to take it. Please
understand that I never wanted to hurt any of you, but I know that my decision has rendered that fact unavoidable. Chase was and will always be the love of my life. Believe me when I say there will be no one else. My heart simply will never allow it.

Carrie—Our talks were amazing. You took me in as a daughter-in-law even though I never truly was. You are a wonderful mom and your guidance and the love you have shown me these last two years will stick with me for the rest of my life. For this, I am thankful.

Jim—Your sense of humor and quirkiness are irresistible. I will always remember the laughs you extracted from me every time I visited your home. I’ll look upon our time together fondly.

MaKayla—You will always be my sister. I’m sorry I left the way I did. I will never forget you. You are an amazingly talented singer and beautiful woman to boot. I’m sure your talents will take you far. Please look after your brother for me as I have a feeling he’ll need a shoulder to cry on in the next coming weeks. In my mind and heart you will always remain.

Love,

Celaine

I wrote one final letter to Chase even though I knew I’d be seeing him one final time before I left. Somehow, I didn’t think I would be in all that great a shape to completely express my feelings when I see the look of sheer pain in his eyes. More than likely, my goodbye to him would consist of a hug and me running away before I changed my mind about this whole thing.

Chase:

Right now you’re probably experiencing a whole slew of emotions. I just hope that the negative ones don’t supersede the positive. I love you more than I can ever express and more than you’ll ever truly get to know. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You were my only light, my only love. My time with you was the happiest time of my life. I wish with all my heart that I could tell you where I was or what I was doing, but it’s impossible for me to do so. I know this must sound like complete BS or even a cop-out to you, but it’s not. You will always have my heart but, with that said, I also want you to be happy. For that to happen, you must move on with your life. As much as it pains me to think about it, please do so. I wish you nothing but the very best that life has in store. I always knew you’d make an excellent doctor, one my father would have been proud to have on his staff.

Please don’t hate me for what I’ve done.

I Will Love You Forever,

Celaine

As soon as
I signed my name to that letter, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The thought of Chase moving on was a little more than I could bear right now. I reached up from my position on the floor and flushed the toilet. Pulling myself up off the floor, I stood up to rinse out my mouth and wash my hands. The sickness didn’t go away nor did I picture it leaving anytime soon. Although not complete remedies, fresh air and solitude would do me some good right now. In this city, I knew there was only one place I could get both of them.

It was late in the afternoon when I walked through the menacing steel gates surrounding the grounds of the cemetery. A basket of flowers in various shades of pink—my mother’s favorite color—dangled from my fingers. I passed the parade of headstones, mausoleums, stone angels, a virtual garden of flowers and a plethora of ferns in all different sizes and shapes. A moment later, I reached the familiar rosette and sichuan marble stones situated in the shade of an elm tree. On a near regular basis, I visited their gravesites. As painful as it was, being here also gave me a strange sense of peace. To be able to touch something tangible associated with them again was strangely comforting. A wilted basket of flowers that I’d brought on my last visit a few weeks prior hung precariously on a hook between my parents’ and brother’s stones. Grasping the handle of the new basket of flowers between my fingers, I removed the wilted ones, replacing them with the new.

It was blisteringly hot outside, but the shade the elm provided was somewhat of a welcome oasis. Taking a seat in the grass, I sat staring at each stone, at each blade of grass, at nothing. For what seemed like hours, I sat there in the grass running my hand along the stones, wanting nothing more than to speak with them but coming up short of words. Only after I finally began speaking did the words come surprisingly easy.

“I can’t express to you how much I miss you. If you’re listening now, I want you to know that I’ve been given the opportunity to keep the promise I made to you ten years ago. I just hope that I can make you proud of me, that I’m able to stop that monster so this doesn’t have to happen again. So that another daughter doesn’t have to sit and stare at the headstones of her family while making the same promises to them. Thank you for bringing Chase and his family into my life. They almost accomplished the impossible; they almost replaced you. This wasn’t fair; it never should have happened. Not only were your lives destroyed but, now, so is mine. I’ll make it right again… for the both of us. I love you.”

With the wilted flowers in hand, I walked back through the cemetery gates, disposing of them in a trash receptacle before walking back out onto the sidewalk. If I hadn’t already made up my mind, that visit most certainly would have been my final affirmation. This was the path my life needed to take. It was the one I’d always been destined to take. The path would be a rough, unpaved path filled with bumps and unforeseen turns, but it was my path to take and no one else’s. I strolled down the sidewalk almost without purpose before realizing that there was one last place to visit before heading home.

Erected on the site of the parking ramp was The Lakes Remembrance Memorial Park; a beautiful homage to those whose lives had been lost there. It was elaborate, to say the least, featuring a man-made river running through its entirety, surrounded by weeping willows, evergreens and ferns. There was an abundance of rose bushes as well as other species of flowers, the likes of which I couldn’t even begin to identify.

I wandered aimlessly through the splendor of the park, admiring the beauty around me, thankful that not too many other people had picked tonight to come here. Crickets were chirping their nightly lullaby signaling that dusk was fast approaching. Ahead of me stood a bridge, bowing over the river in an arc. I walked over to it, stopping in the middle, and leaned against the railing to watch the water lazily flowing by, wishing I could stay in the tranquility of the moment forever.

In the center of the park stood a black marble memorial wall etched with the names of all 104 victims of The Lakes tragedy. I walked up to the wall, gingerly running my fingers over the names of strangers until coming to those of my family: Dr. George Stevens, Carol Stevens and Jacob Stevens.

Despite the fact that the park was ripe with esthetically pleasing tributes, the piece de resistance of the park, in my opinion, were the 104 eternal flame candles scattered throughout it. One for each victim of The Lakes explosion. The candles’ glow kept the memory of them burning in the minds of all who visited. With the fall of dusk, the glow of the flames lit the way for me as I exited the park back to the street.

Stars appeared overhead, a sight that I would never tire of. Even before Chase came into the picture, I would lay in the grass staring at them, pondering the reason for my existence. Within the first five minutes of meeting the Matthews, I thought I’d found it. But, after the events of the last few days, I was beginning to realize that my whole life had been just a stepping stone leading me to it.

My cell phone rang. It was Chase. Had it been a week ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to speak with him. Now, given what I had to do, the thought of hearing his voice was too painful for me. How was I going to look in him in the eye and lie to him by telling him that I didn’t want him anymore? I knew that telling him that was going to be the only way he would ever accept me breaking up with him. Chase would follow me to the ends of the Earth if he knew it would make me happy. The only way to prevent him from following me would be to make him think I would be happier without him. He wouldn’t understand. His heart and mine were going to be broken tomorrow night with the damage, at least to me, being irreparable.

I walked down the long hallway to my apartment, finding a note from Chase taped to my door. It hadn’t surprised me that he’d stopped by. When he wasn’t at the hospital or studying, he was at my apartment. Honestly, I had no idea what his fixation was with me. I was mediocre at best; clumsy and the average form of pretty that honestly couldn’t be mistaken for beautiful. I slumped in my chair, checking the voice mail he’d left for me on my phone. There was a hint of worry in his voice as he enquired about my whereabouts and whether or not I was all right. It wasn’t like me to not answer my phone.