Entangled (18 page)

Once the cart holds most of the items I plan to get now, I decide that buying new clothes will have to wait for another day.

“Seriously though, I’m jealous.”

I slip my arm through hers and rest my head on her shoulder. “I’ll take lots of pictures. It will be like you were there with me.” She grunts and then sighs. “So, we’ll be staying at Spencer’s house.”

“So?” I can tell she’s trying to act cool, but I know she has a thing for him. When he visited for a few days over the summer, I could see a connection between them. She’ll never admit it though. And I don’t understand why.

“I can talk to him, if you want?” Her eyes narrow, she bites her lip. She does not like this conversation.

“And say what? Your best friend has a crush on him, even though we don’t know each other all that well and also…oh yeah, don’t live in the same state? No thanks.” I nudge her with my shoulder to calm her down.

“Hey, I wasn’t trying to piss you off. I was just saying-“ She throws her hand up and I clamp my mouth shut.

“Please, just leave it alone.” She snaps, I recoil, hurt by her tone. We don’t fight very much. But to hear her lash out at me is a little confusing. Something must be going on. I stop walking, glancing at her. She looks away, tears brewing in the corner of her eyes. I reach out just as she turns to hug me, her face in my shoulder. I rub her back, comfortingly as she cries on my shoulder. What did I say? This isn’t like Andi to just cry, unless something happened. “I’m so sorry, Maddy.” She mumbles, barely audible. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.” She lifts her head up and looks at me, wiping her tears away. Her makeup runs. My heart sinks, uncertain of what has plagued her.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry for throwing my New York trip in your face. That was insensitive of me.”

“No, it’s not that at all. You did nothing wrong. I’m just going through some shit right now.” We begin walking again, a million different scenarios run through my head. She usually tells me everything so what could she be going through that I don’t know about? I feel puzzled, conflicted. But I don’t press her. Instead, I check my cart for all the items I plan to buy. I get in line at the checkout and thankfully it’s not too busy so I start putting the items on the conveyor belt. “Do you want to talk about it?” I ask her. Yes, I planned on leaving her alone. But there’s a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that won’t shut up. I notice her tears still streaking down her cheeks. “How about we order pizza tonight and watch movies?” I forgot the ice cream; mint chocolate chip always makes everything better.

“Okay, I’ll go get the ice cream.” Andi says, reading my mind, we know each other so well. I smile and nod, emptying out the cart.

When we get home and unload the car, we walk in to find Landon sitting on our couch watching our TV, as if he lives there. Damn, I forgot to take my key back. “What are you doing here Landon?” I drop the bags on the kitchen table, tossing my keys down as well. I’m annoyed for some reason, even though he does this on occasion.

He stands up and tries to help me with the bags but I slap his hand away.

“What’s wrong?” I’m not really sure.

“I don’t want you just showing up here unannounced anymore. This isn’t your apartment. We aren’t together so you don’t have that right.” I hold my hand out for my key, but he just stares at it confused. “I want my key back. Please.”

He narrows his eyes, nostrils flare. Andi walks back into the kitchen. I hadn’t noticed she walked out. She glances from Landon to me, trying to assess the situation. I hate fighting or being a bitch but sometimes I have no other option. Landon is very stubborn and knows how to push my buttons and it’s starting to piss me off. But then again, it could be more of the fact that I want him out so I can find out what’s going on with Andi. She’s never this emotional without cause.

Landon steps back and relaxes his stance. “Can we talk?” No, I’m busy. I shake my head because I’m sure it’s not something I care to hear. “Maddy, are you okay?” I glance at Andi for a second, ready for our movie watching, ice cream eating, girlie night.

“We,” I point between Andi and myself, “have plans tonight. So I don’t have time to talk right now.” I shuffle to the door and open it, impatient.

“Fine, but we still need to talk.” He stops in the doorway and narrows his eyes at Andi before he looks back at me and leaves. They’ve had their share of animosity over the years. They tolerate each other mainly for mine and Derrick’s sake.

I close the door, making a face as if he could see me. What is wrong with me?

We finish putting everything away. I take the bags filled with my New York items into my room and then pull out the suitcase stuffed in the back of my closet and toss it all in there for now. A smile on my face makes me realize how real this all is. It is real and it’s also terrifying. What‘s it like there? Would I fit in or stick out like a sore thumb? I close the suitcase and set it on the floor in my closet for later, then make my way to the kitchen to call for pizza. Canadian bacon…yum!

As we sit on the sofa stuffing our faces with our dinner, watching the Notebook (Andi’s choice, I’d rather watch The Matrix or Bourne Identity, but that’s just me), my mind wanders to Noah. Oh and not Noah as in Ryan Gosling. Though Andi should have realized choosing this movie would make me think of Noah…
my
Noah that is. Or my friend Noah. I really wish she wouldn’t have put this sappy romantic movie on because now I’m picturing me as Rachel McAdams and Noah as Ryan Gosling. It’s like she enjoys torturing herself…or me. I sneak a glance at her posture next to me and see a tear falling down her cheek. I can’t tell if it’s due to the movie, which we’re at the part where they’re lying in the street together or if it’s something else and it’s driving me insane. I hate seeing her upset and I don’t know why. She knew my life story and helped me through the toughest times; can’t she trust me to do the same for her?  I sit up and face her. “We don’t have to watch this.” She turns to me, pizza in hand and shakes her head.

“It’s okay, I need to cry. Holding it in will make it worse.”

“What’s going on Andi? Holding it in
will
make it worse, you just said it yourself, and I’m here so tell me. Tell me everything. Did Derrick do something? Did something happen?”

“No it wasn’t Derrick.” She wipes her eyes and her breaths become shallow as she struggles to find the right words. She crosses her legs and faces me, tears falling freely now and more of them. I become worried, knowing full and well that it’s something serious and I brace myself for bad news.

“It’s…well, we found out…” She takes a deep breath, holding her hand out with her left hand, palm out and her right hand over her heart. I place mine on her knee for support, my heart is beating fast. “My dad has cancer.” My heart stops. And then she loses it. I can’t breathe. Andi drops her head into her hands and her body shakes with her sobs. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. My ears have shut off.  This can’t be happening. Why? Why does this have to be true? This man was like a father to me all these years after I lost my mother and my father became a stranger. I was alone. Until Andi’s parents took me in. And then I had a family, I felt normal…somewhat. He treated me like a daughter and now I’m going to lose him.

The universe is out to get me. I swallow, taking Andi into my arms and begin to cry silently along with her. “Oh Andi.” And now I lose it too. The flood gates are opened.

After an hour, when we’ve finally cried our eyes out and there’s no more tears to be shed, for now, Andi goes to bed. I sit in the same place on the couch, my eyes hurt and I feel numb. I can’t think about sleeping. This just doesn’t feel real. Andi’s father Jim treated me like family. He knew my own father was absent so he sort of took over the role, so to speak. He taught me a lot and to think he has cancer, not knowing how serious it is but still, you hear the word cancer, you always think of death. Sure there’s a chance he could be cured if they caught it early enough or he can take treatments and help but the fact that he has it at all is absurd. I can’t imagine what her mother is going through, how she must feel.

Apparently, I’m not all cried out because a single tear runs down my right cheek. I don’t wipe it. I sit, rooted to the spot, numb.

I get up to clean the kitchen, trying to distract my brain but when I hear Andi’s muffled cries through the wall, I almost lose it. Again. I need to get out of here. I grab my purse, keys and leave. Where? I don’t really know, I just can’t stay here right now.

Noah

I’ve had trouble sleeping. It’s been this way since I read the letter from my mother. I’m conflicted but hopeful. Maybe she’s changed. Maybe she just thinks she is until something else happens and she regresses. I don’t know. I want to believe her. I want her to get help and sober up and toss the men out on the street. She deserves better. Despite her lack of parenting, she does deserve to be happy. I don’t know how she felt when my father left, I only know from a son’s standpoint. She knew him longer than she knew me…and she trusted him. He broke her heart and kicked her to the dust. Asshole. I think subconsciously that’s why I’m afraid of commitment, afraid of turning out like him.

And then I’ve had thoughts of Maddy creep into my relentless brain. I just can’t believe I invited her to New York. What was I thinking? My impulses really piss me off. Part of me wants to cancel on her but another part-the bigger part wants to go with it. She’s never been there before so it could be really fun for her to see New York in all its busy glory. I’m supposed to be staying
away
from Maddy, not the opposite.  No wait, we’re friends. But it feels like something else…

I lie on the couch, remote in hand flipping through the channels when I hear a faint knock on my door. What the fuck? I glance at the clock on the microwave; ten o clock. Hm, I’m not expecting company tonight. I stare at the door, uncertain if I should bother answering it when the knock appears a little louder. Reluctantly, I lift myself off the couch and slip on my house shoes before unlocking and opening the door.

A very upset Maddy is standing in the doorway. Shit.

“Hey.” She says quietly with tears in her voice. “Sorry to bother you.” I usher her inside. I can’t turn her away; she looks like she’s been crying. She looks everywhere but at me. “I had nowhere else to go.”

“Hey, it’s fine. What’s wrong?” We sit down on the couch. Maddy hangs her head, tears fall down her beautiful face and I want to reach out and wipe them away. I stop myself, suddenly aware of how new this feeling is. I’m not good at handling crying girls. I never cared or wanted to make it better for them. Insensitive, I know. That’s me. Or it was me, I think. I’m so conflicted. I’m not good with emotions. I turned mine off long ago. Why are they turned back on again? I’m getting whiplash.

I place my hands in my lap, uncomfortable. I sit back and let her cry, though she’s quiet, I can feel the shaking of the couch, and then ask, “Do you want to talk about it?” She just shakes her head, still not looking at me. Her hair shields the side of her face.

I grab the remote, kick back and wait-for what? I’ve no fucking clue. How long do girls cry for? Maybe I should get us a beer, it could be awhile. I really wish I had more experience in this department. I used to care, once. And then after the accident, never again. But this feels different. I don’t know why, it just does. I have to refrain from stroking her hair gently or taking her in my arms and letting her cry into my chest. Isn’t that what normal people do? I sniff myself…I need a shower, I conclude. Maybe it’s better for her to keep some distance.

She sniffles and wipes her eyes before she finally looks at me. Her hazel eyes are strikingly beautiful, I never really noticed. “Thank you.” I must look confused because she answers my unasked question with a tiny laugh. “For not asking a bunch of questions and just letting me cry. I needed it.”

I give her a small nod and look away. “It’s not for the lack of caring or wanting to know. I’m just not good with crying. It’s new for me. I guess I’m made of stone.” I return her gaze, serious. “Tell me this though, did Landon hurt you? Because if he did, if you’re crying because of him, I’ll beat the shit out of him.” She shakes her head.

“No, it’s not because of him.” Too bad, I’ve been looking for a reason to fight that fucker. I immediately shake the thoughts out of my head for the time being. That will have to wait as I’m sure there will come a day where we cross paths and he starts shit with me.

But not tonight.

I smile sympathetically and try to lighten the mood. “So have you thought about what you want to see when we’re in New York?” Her face changes, a mixture of relief for the topic change and excitement for the upcoming trip. She smiles, which makes me happy. I’m not sure why I care so much. Why can’t I not give a damn? Why am I so intrigued by this girl?

“I told you, I want to see everything.”

“And what does everything include?” She leans back with her head against the cushion and closes her eyes. I wonder if she’s picturing it all in her head. She may not have been there in person, but I’m sure she knows enough about New York from TV and movies and history to know what there is to see. “Let’s see; Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Madison Square Garden, China Town, Central Park, Grand Central, St Patrick’s Cathedral, Museum..” Her eyes open and she turns her head to look at me. “It’s a shame the World Trade Center’s aren’t there anymore. I always wanted to go there.” I smile sadly and lean back, looking at the ceiling.