Entangled (56 page)

I pick up a picture of her and me standing in front of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. It was freezing and snowing and we were bundled up. I run my finger over the frame and close my eyes.

“That was one of her favorite pictures of you two.” I nod solemnly.

“Mine too.” I reply, hoarse voice.

“You can have it, Noah.” I meet her gaze, unable to form words. “It’s okay. We have a lot of pictures. Take it.” I hold the frame to my chest and nod in thanks.

“Come to the kitchen. Let’s talk.” I don’t move at first. Too many images replay in my head at once. “Noah, do you drink coffee or tea?” I look up, the images disappear and it’s just Sandy and me.

“Coffee, please.” This is not how I pictured our reunion. I guess over 7 years can really change a person.

“Sit. Pizza will be here soon.” I obey. Sandy bustles around the kitchen. I feel guilty for her waiting on me.

“You don’t have to slave around for me, Sandy.” She sits down across from me.

“Noah, it’s been, what 6, 7 years? Yes, the pain never goes away. Yes I’m reminded of what I lost every day. But there’s nothing I can do. She’s gone and she wouldn’t want me to mourn for her the rest of my life.” She pats my hand before returning to the fully made coffee pot. “Do you take sugar and milk?”

“Yes.” I try to process her words.
“She wouldn’t want me to mourn for her the rest of my life”
. How did you handle everything?”

“What do you mean?” She scoops sugar into the cup and pours milk in. I watch her, unsure if she’s put the right amount of each. It’s a selfish thought but my mind is going in so many directions, I can’t keep up.

“I mean, did you go crazy?”

“Noah, I’d just lost my daughter and we weren’t even in town. I felt so much guilt. I didn’t get to see her graduate and never even got to say goodbye. Of course, I went crazy. I had to take medication because for the first three years, I cried nonstop, I had nightmares and was consumed with regret.” She brings our cups to the table. I hold it between my hands, welcoming the burning sensation. I sniff the delightful contents as the steam rises and fills my nostrils.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I am too. But stop blaming yourself. These kind of things happen. It’s unfortunate.”

“She wasn’t supposed to die so young.” I take a small sip, letting the liquid trail down my throat smoothly, albeit scorching hot.

“No, she wasn’t. But life doesn’t always go as planned.” She blows into her cup, her face shows sadness, and her eyes are empty with years of pain and loss. “Tell me something,” I look away, afraid of where this conversation is going. “What have you done with your life?”

“I moved to Colorado last summer. I couldn’t be here anymore, near my parents. Well, more like my dad.”

“They never changed, huh?”

“My dad, no. He’s still the same old selfish jackhole. My mom, though, has gotten help. She’s trying to be a better person, a better mother. We’re trying to fix our relationship. It’ll take time. But I think it’s a start. I really hope she doesn’t relapse.”

“And what about you, Noah?”

I meet her warm brown eyes, “What about me?”

She straightens, moving her cup aside. “What have you been up to? Working? School? Married or dating anyone?”

My heart falters. I’ve tried to keep thoughts of Maddy out of my head. “I moved close to my aunt and cousin, taken a year off work and hoping to finish school for a teaching degree and just recently ended my relationship.” But I still want a future with Maddy, I just doubt that’ll ever happen.

Her chair squeaks when she moves back, stretching out, placing her hands on the table. “You never met anyone, Noah? All this time and you’re not married? I find that hard to believe.” I let out a long breath and look away.

“I did meet someone, the perfect someone. I fell in love, we just…I just couldn’t.”

“Why?” I want to talk about something else now.

“I left her. I broke her heart.” She shifts in her seat; lines crinkle her forehead, with sympathy maybe.

“Why Noah? What happened?” My coffee suddenly tastes bitter. I stare down into my cup as I speak.

“I’m not good enough for her. I don’t know how to be the man she needs me to be. It was all about sex for me when it came to girls. But,” I take a breath, disbelieving we’re having this conversation. She’s like a stranger to me, in a way. I look up, seeing so much of her daughter in her face, it kills me. “But it’s different with her. She’s the only one I cared to know inside and out. She turned my useless world upside down.”

Sandy gets up to refill her cup. My coffee is now cold but I’m not in the mood for it anymore. “Okay, it’s been some years. I know we haven’t talked but did this have anything to do with why you left her?” She’s partially right. How can I drag Maddy into my life if I can’t accept or heal from my past? Not to mention, I’m afraid of turning out like my father and leave her anyway. “I want to show you something. I’ll be right back.” She leaves the kitchen. I glance at my phone, wondering if Maddy is thinking about me. I hate that I hurt her. I promised her I would never leave her. I even promised Andi. And I failed them both. I’m such an asshole.

Chapter 64

Maddy

Things have been so screwed up. I can’t concentrate at work. Amanda gave me Saturday shifts to keep me busy but it’s not helping. Andi and I are constantly fighting more. I know I’m moping but I can’t help it. I miss Noah so damn bad. I can’t sleep and when I do, I dream about him. He’s in my constant thoughts; it’s really taking a toll on me. I got a letter from him. I cried. I know he loves me but he proceeds to tell me I deserve better. I don’t want better! Why can’t he see that? He’s scared, I get that, I really do. I’m scared too. I’ve never been in love before and it’s scary. But at the same time, there’s not better in the world.

“Maddy, can I talk to you for a minute?” Amanda steps into the lobby and my stomach plummets.  Shit, I’m probably getting fired. I nod and numbly follow her into her office. “Have a seat.”

I stiffly sit down across from her, placing my hands in my lap. We sit quietly. She folds her hands in front of her on her desk. Her lips are pursed together as if she’s trying to find the words that I’m probably dreading to hear.

“Maddy,” she breaks the silence and I meet her gaze, noticing pity in her eyes. I don’t need her pity. I’m not an invalid, for goodness sakes. There’s a line creasing her forehead of concern. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I don’t know, you brought me in here, you tell me.” I sneer.

“Maddy, you know you can tell me anything. I don’t judge. I want to help.” I don’t say anything, just bounce my right leg over my left knee and stare off in a daze. I hate being so cold to Amanda. She did nothing wrong. She’s been so understanding and gracious through everything. It’s not her fault my heart is broken and I suck at dealing with it like a mature adult. And this is why I never bothered with love or why I was afraid to. It can be a wonderful feeling, so beautiful and real.

It can also hurt like hell, like a part of you is bleeding dry. It’s no wonder my father lost himself when my mother died. It’s painful.

“I’ve gotta be honest, Maddy. You look like hell. As your friend, I’m worried about you. What happened with Noah?”

“He left. End of story.” I know there’s more to it than that but I’m too bitter to elaborate. She shifts in her chair, reclining the back. “Look, I’m not going to lie, your performance is lacking. You’re always spaced out. This isn’t you.” I clench my teeth, frustrated with myself for being a horrible employee, especially when these animals need me. “I don’t want to lose you, but I want you to take some time off. Get your life back on track. We need you here, but this version of you isn’t working.”

“So, in other words, you’re firing me, right?”

“No, I’m not. But I need you here, all of you. When you get everything straightened out, I’d love for you to come back. If you want.”

I jump up, ready to leave. “Well.”

“I’m not firing you. Finish your shift and then take off as long as you need. Your job will still be here, waiting for you.” She grabs me in a hug before I can leave. I lay my head on her shoulder, tears fall of relief and shame. “Maddy, I care about you. I just want to see you happy.” I can’t find my voice; my emotions are clogged in my throat. I try to shove them down.

“I was.” I force out. Memories of our first date, our rock climbing date, our costume party at the bar, our first real kiss, the night he told me about his best friend, the guilt he carried, the pain, all of it. I smile, thinking about that same night I gave him a piece of myself I refused to give anyone else. He was so gentle, yet firm. The next morning he made me breakfast in bed, no one had ever done that. A tear slides down my cheek, onto her shoulder. The trip to New York. It all comes back to me, full force. “I’m sorry Amanda.” I whisper. She pulls back to look at me, sincerity in her eyes.

“Oh honey, don’t say that. I hate to see you like this.” I wipe my face, a little relieved to get some time off.

“Do you mind if  I leave now?” I feel guilty asking but I just want to be alone.

“No, not at all. We got you covered. You just go home for some R&R. If you need anything though, please call me.” I nod and hug her again.

“Thank you for not firing me.” She scoffs as if the thought was absurd.

“I want you back. You’re a great worker.” She’s a great boss, so it helps. I know where I need to go…

Spring in Colorado is so beautiful. The flowers bloom colorfully, filling the air with their exquisite odors. It’s warm, perfect weather for visiting my mother’s grave. I bring a dozen white roses and set them on her headstone.

“Hey mom.” I sit down on the ground and cross my legs. “I’ve been a terrible daughter, not visiting you here like I should. Although, you seem to come into my dreams instead.” I look around, feeling alone. “I miss you.” I try not to think of her crumpled body in the ground underneath me. I sit quietly, enjoying the silence. “Mom, I really need you. I don’t know what to do. Life has gotten so fucked up and I’m not handling it well.” Tears fall from my eyes. “Mom, I need you, so bad.” I let out a shaky breath and rock back and forth on my knees. “I met someone special. He was perfect for me. We were great together. And I love him…but I lost him and now I’m so lost and alone. And broken. Why does it hurt so much?” I can’t stop the tears now. Maybe this is what I needed, time to grieve for all I’ve lost, my mother, my father, Noah, Jim’s illness. It’s too much for one person to bear.

I lean against my mother’s tombstone, hugging my legs to my chest. I look around me at the other people that lost their lives, wondering if they had loved ones left behind. I look up at the clear blue sky thinking if my mom were up there, maybe she could hear me. I want to yell, blame my mother for leaving me, leaving my father, breaking up our once normal family but I just don’t have it in me. It’s not her fault she was hit by a semi. She didn’t ask for her life to be cut short.

Maybe Noah…and Andi were right. Maybe I do need therapy. I can’t seem to handle it myself. Maybe it would help me heal so I can move on.

I stand up and brush the back of my pants, ready to leave. “I love you mom. I’m going to make things right. I don’t know how, but I will. It’s going to be okay.” I run my hand over the top of the statue with one last look. As I make my through the cemetery, I stop. A tombstone catches my eye, of a little girl of only four years. It reads: ‘Gone, But Never Forgotten’. I bow my head, close my eyes and silently say a prayer for the family who lost this little girl, hoping they’ve found peace and healing. I know I need both too. “Well, you’re in a much better place. I believe there is another life after this one. I’m sure you’re having a great time, no more pain or anger or sadness, just happiness and love. I just pray for those you left behind. They’re the ones needing guidance to move on.” Before leaving, I make a last minute decision and walk back to my mother’s grave, taking a rose from the bouquet. “You won’t mind sharing with a little girl.” I smile because I feel as if I’ve lost my mind talking to a couple of headstones, but it helps me believe I’m not alone. I’m doing this for the little girl because hers is bare, with no flowers as if she never has visitors. It brings me a sense of comfort thinking of someone else besides myself. Besides, I know my mother would do the same thing. I walk back to Hannah’s grave and set the rose on top. “Well,” I start, uncertain of any words to make this situation better, “rest in peace. I hope it’s a pleasant place, wherever you are. If you happen to see my mom, tell her I love her.” I walk away, feeling a little lighter.

Chapter 65

Noah

“What’s this?” I stare at a notebook Sandy retrieved from Lex’s room, I assume.

“Open it.” She sits down beside me. I open what looks to be a journal of Lex’s private thoughts. My breath catches in my throat as I stumble across pictures of us in middle school and high school. Pictures of her, Spencer and me, mementos of our friendship. Each page is filled with her innermost feelings and memories, good, bad, happy, sad. When I pissed her off, she wrote it down. When I scared her, or made her scared for me, she kept a record of it. Pages filled with my worst moments and god was I a bastard.

“I found this when I went through her things a year after the accident. I almost threw it away. But something told me to keep it, that it may be needed someday. And then I looked through it and realized that it is important and if by some chance I ran into you, you might need it.” Years of memories with my best friend flood my brain, almost overwhelming me. I almost close it when I see a passage from the year she died.