Entangled (26 page)

‘But you’ve only just got here …’ He leaned down and nuzzled at my neck. His breath was too hot.

‘It’s really late, and I’ve got school tomorrow.’ Again I pulled away.

Nat smirked. ‘Okaaaay, if you say so … but we’ve got the place to ourselves …’ He patted the bar. ‘What do you say? Ever done it on a bar before?’ He laughed and it sounded wrongwrongwrong in my ears.

‘No.’ And his smile disappeared.
What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I want to?

‘What’s up with you? That’s why you came here, isn’t it? I
know
you, Grace. Come on … it’ll be fun.’ He pinned me up against the bar and kissed me hard. I relaxed into it, knowing that this was the one way to silence the voice that was whispering to me, telling me something was wrong. I did my best to ignore the voice: how could I trust it when I didn’t know who it belonged to? I was with Nat, and that was all that mattered. Wasn’t it?

Nat’s breathing was loud and urgent and his mouth tasted different to me. I was kissing a stranger. And the stranger was unbuttoning my jeans.

I pushed him off me. ‘No!’ The word came out louder than I’d intended. Nat was shocked, and I couldn’t blame him. This had never happened before.

I softened my voice and tried to pretend that I was still me and Nat was still Nat, and I was just tired and drunk and everything would be OK in the morning. ‘I’m sorry. I really have to go. I’m way too drunk for this.’

He said nothing for a moment, ego clearly bruised. Then he seemed to shrug it off in a heartbeat. ‘Fair enough. The bar’s still pretty skanky anyway … wouldn’t want you sticking to it, would we?’ He smiled and he wasn’t a stranger any more. ‘Let me call you a cab. My treat.’

We waited for the cab and he carried on clearing up as if nothing had happened. And we chatted as if nothing had happened. After all, nothing
had
happened. Had it?

I texted Nat when I got home: ‘Sorry about tonight. Love you. x’

Got a message straight back: ‘No worries. x’

I was in a pretty foul mood for the next couple of days. People at school seemed to sense it and mostly kept out of my way. Sal tried to find out what was up, but
I
wasn’t even sure, and I couldn’t even summon up the energy to talk about it.

In the evenings I stayed holed up in my room, not doing much of anything. I talked to Nat a couple of times and everything seemed fine. I wanted to see him so badly, but he had some random aunt visiting and he was expected to show her round town and keep her entertained. I wasn’t quite sure why his mum couldn’t do that, or Devon for that matter. But apparently he was her favourite nephew – no surprise there. Everyone loved Nat. He was golden.

By the time Friday came along, it felt like I hadn’t seen him for ages. It had been three days. Random auntie had a lot to answer for. Nat and I were planning to hang out on Sunday, so I just had to somehow survive one more day at school and one day at home. Not sure which was worse. Sal and I went out for lunch. Fish and chips on a Friday was the best way to start the weekend.

‘Urgh, I’m so glad this week is over. I can’t WAIT for the weekend.’

Sal nodded. ‘Me neither.’

‘What are you up to anyway? Fancy doing something tomorrow? I could really do with getting out of the house. I can’t handle being around Mum at the moment – she’s driving me loopy.’

‘Sorry, can’t tomorrow, I’m afraid. Family day.’

‘
Family
day? Since when do you have family days? I thought every day was a family day chez Stewart?’

‘Yeah, I know it’s lame. But Dad’s decided we’re going on some kind of day trip.’

‘Christ. Nightmare.’ But I was actually thinking it sounded sort of nice. That’s the kind of thing dads are good at, I guess. Planning stuff. Looking at maps and brochures for stately homes or something. ‘What is it with families at the moment? They’re everywhere, ruining my plans. Nat’s got his aunt monopolizing every minute of his time, and your dad’s scuppered my Saturday! How inconsiderate!’

Sal smiled. ‘Sorry, I’d get out of it if I could. You know how annoying Cam gets on car journeys – not exactly my idea of a fun day out. Tell you what – why don’t we do something on Sunday?’

‘No can do, sorry. I’m seeing Nat for the first time in forever. Well, first time since Tuesday anyway.’

‘No worries.’ Sal shrugged, but I could tell she was a bit pissed off. We usually spent at least one weekend day together, if not both.

‘But maybe the three of us could do something?’ I offered – pretty generously, I thought.
Please say no please say no please say no. I want him all to myself
.

She must have read my mind. ‘Nah, you’re all right, thanks.’

I was relieved, and I immediately felt ashamed for feeling
quite
so relieved. But Nat and I needed some alone time. Hopefully this time both of us would stick to the script. I certainly planned to, anyway.

I decided to go for a wander after lunch to walk off some of the fish and chips. Free periods were the only thing that made school tolerable. Sal had a free period too, but said she had to get a book back from Devon. I meandered down the side of the playing field, trailing behind some shiny new first years embarking on their first ever cross-country run. I never did understand exactly why we were expected to parade around outside the school grounds in nothing more than a T-shirt and some tiny gym knickers. Ritual humiliation, I suppose. It was enough to put you off sport for life, but somehow I’d managed to get through it and now I loved running more than anything. Not that you’d have guessed it though – I hadn’t been running in ages. Maybe that explained my mood.

I was half-tempted to run after the first years but a) I wasn’t exactly dressed for it (biker boots and teeny-tiny skirt), and b) it would be a weird thing to do, even for me. So I watched them run and stumble and meander into the woods ahead of me.

And then the herd of runners was out of earshot and I was utterly alone. It was peaceful. I found a comfy-looking tree stump and perched on it like a gnome. I got out my notebook and chewed on the end of a pencil. For the first time in months I felt like writing something – I just wasn’t sure what.

Writing and running
. Two of my very favourite things. It struck me that I hadn’t done much of either since I’d met Nat, and that made me feel sad. Like I’d lost a little part of myself. Or given it away. These were the things that defined me, or at least I used to think they did. But how important could they be if I was willing to drop them as soon as I got a boyfriend? What else would I be willing to give up for him?

Before I could think of something to write, my phone rang, scaring the life out of me and making me drop my pencil. The cheery ringtone sounded all wrong in the silence of the woods. I didn’t recognize the number and nearly didn’t answer it, but curiosity got the better of me.

‘Grace? Er … hi, it’s me. Er … Devon, that is.’ He sounded unprepared, as if I was the one who’d called him, instead of the other way round.

‘Hi, how’s it going?’

‘Yeah, fine. I mean, not exactly fine. Um … look, where are you?’

‘In the woods behind school. Why? Is Sal with you?’

‘No, er … no. She’s not here.’

‘I thought she was meeting you in the library after lunch.’

‘Can I come and meet you? I really need to talk to you.’ He sounded like he was on some sort of covert mission, scared of being discovered by the enemy at any moment. He really
was
an odd one.

‘Look, if this is about Nat and that crap about him not being good enough for me, then I don’t want to hear it. And how did you get my number anyway? I was wondering after you texted the other day.’

‘I … got it off Nat’s phone.’

‘I don’t reckon he’d be too happy about that – do you?’

‘Who fucking cares what he thinks?!’ I’d never heard him swear before and it sounded wrong. ‘Grace, you
have
to listen to me. He’s—’

‘No, I really don’t.’ I talked over him, but I definitely heard the words ‘messing you around’. Now I was cross. ‘I could do without you putting ideas in my head. It’s really none of your business, but if you must know, everything’s just fine between me and Nat. And it’d be even more fine if you’d keep out of it. I won’t have anyone ruining this for me, OK? I’m going to talk to Nat as soon as your aunt’s gone. I think he has a right to know what his little brother’s up to behind his back.’ I left it at that, feeling better for venting my feelings. Sure that I was in the right. Until …

‘
Aunt?
What aunt? What are you talking about?’

I went to the bathroom to splash my face. When I was drying my hands I noticed something was different. Something impossible.

My scars have gone. Every single one of them. This cannot be real. I checked out my thighs, just to be sure. Not one scar, just milky smooth skin. It is real.

And somehow I knew what had happened. I didn’t know how I knew, but I
knew
.

I went to Ethan and lifted the covers I’d wrapped around him.

His arms are criss-crossed with silvery lines. My scars.

Two of the scars are different from the rest. Thick rusty red scabs running up the inside of each wrist. They have yet to heal.

The other scars are as familiar to me as my own reflection. But these two … they’re different. They’re new.

Ethan’s breathing is slowing, I think.

I wish there was something I could do.