Entangled (30 page)

Ethan’s gone. I woke up and he was gone.

He left me. Just like Dad. No. Not like Dad.

I’m not scared any more. I don’t need Dad. Or Ethan. Or Nat. Or Sal. Not really.

I’m alive and strong and shiny and new and I think I’m going to be OK.

All I have to do is get out of here. Soon.

The door isn’t locked. I KNOW the door isn’t locked. Ethan wouldn’t lie to me.

One more sleep and I’ll be ready.

One more sleep.

Dreamy, drowsy, drugged. Wake up, sleepyhead
.

I can’t open my eyes. Why can’t I open my eyes? Try harder. No good. My eyes are broken. Listen then. Silence. No, not quite silence. Beeping sounds, far far away
.

Whooshing too. Like the tide: in, out, in, out. On and on and on. Shhh. Go back to sleep. Sleep is good. You can sleep forever
.

Wake up, sleepyhead
.

Aw, please let me sleep. I’m so very tired
.

No. Get up. Open your eyes. Move your arm at least
.

I try. Arm disobeys. At least I think it does, but I’m not sure where it is. Try harder. Find it, feel it. It should be connected to your shoulder. There it is, with a hand on the end, and fingers too. Try moving a finger. Nope, can’t. I can feel something though. What is it? Feels familiar, nice. A hand in mine: warm and comforting. A boy’s hand, I think. Mmm, you smell good
.

Are you Ethan?

Who’s Ethan?

I don’t remember
.

Voices. People with voices, saying things I don’t understand. Long words. Ask them where you are. Ask them why you can’t open your eyes. Ask them ask them ask them what’s wrong with you. Speak. Now. I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T. Screaming inside my head. My eyes are broken and my brain is too
.

Hush. Don’t worry. Maybe you’ve fallen asleep watching
ER
again
.

A new hand. Smaller, colder. And a voice
.

‘Wake up, sleepyhead. It’s time to wake up now. Come on, open your eyes, just for me. I know you can do it if you try. No? … Well, squeeze my hand … Even just a little bit. Please?’ My hand is floating, higher. Still at the end of my arm, I think. Shhh. I’m trying to sleep
.

‘Well, we’ll try again tomorrow. You rest up and we’ll try again. Yes, tomorrow you’ll be stronger, I just know it.’

Silence. And then, ‘Don’t you dare leave me. Don’t even think about it. I won’t let this happen again. I WON’T. You hear me? You try harder tomorrow, OK? Just. Try. Harder.’ The same voice, tight and choked. It’s choking me
.

Beeping beeping BEEPING louder and longer and it won’t stop
.

No whooshing. The sound of the sea has stopped
.

The hand is ripped away from me and I’m moving fast, I think. Things are whirling around me. Voices loud and louder. Hands touching me. Not his though. Not his
.

What’s happening to me? Shhh, just sleep. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Night, night, sleep tight
.

OK. If you say so. Tell everyone to be quiet though. How can anyone sleep with that racket going on?

Pounding, pounding, pounding. My chest hurts
.

Breathe. In and out. In and out. The whooshing is back and so is his hand
.

I smile. On the inside though, so no one can see. A secret smile just for me
.

Another voice. I have no choice but to listen. A girl-voice. Sounds upset. I try to work out if there’s a hand in mine, but I can’t tell. Just a dull throbbing sensation in my wrists, which is weird
.

‘I hope you don’t mind me coming. I couldn’t not come. This is all my fault.’ This could be interesting
.

The voice goes on. ‘I still can’t believe you did it.’ Did what? Why so cryptic?

‘I don’t know if you can hear me … Of course you can’t hear me! This is so stupid, but … I need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. This whole situation is a mess. And I can’t help thinking that if I’d just told you the truth from the start then none of this would have happened. I’m sorry.’ Enough with the sorry! Just get on with it
.

‘I met him first, you know. I’m not just saying that to be a bitch. It’s true. I was at Devon’s, and he was there. And I liked him straight away, and he … liked me. I’ve never been able to tell with boys before, but with him I just knew. He had some mates over for a party – it was all a bit crazy. Devon got fed up and went to stay at his dad’s. I should have left too. But I didn’t. I liked him so much. We had loads in common. We talked for ages. Sorry if you don’t want to hear this, but I need you to know the truth
.

‘I drank too much. I didn’t mean to, but I was nervous and … I was having a good time. I felt like a different person. I knew something was going to happen with him. I really, really wanted something to happen. But he got wasted too – playing stupid drinking games. He fell asleep on the sofa while I was in the kitchen. Idiot. And then I …’ And then you what?

‘One of his friends had been eyeing me up all night. Simon. He saw that I was about to leave and begged me to stay. It was easier to say yes than no. He dragged me up to dance with him, and it was sort of fun. I remember thinking that this must be what it’s like to be you – just doing what you want and not caring. I’ve always wondered how you do that
.

‘Simon kept on topping up my glass and I just didn’t care. We danced for ages, and then he kissed me. And I kissed him back. I wasn’t thinking. And then we must have gone up to Devon’s room. And I … don’t really remember much. I don’t remember how it happened. I don’t think I said no, but I can’t believe I didn’t. Does that make sense?’ I have no idea
.

‘I just know that I woke up feeling sick and sore and I knew what must have happened, but it was almost like I couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. Simon was asleep next to me and I just got dressed and ran. I felt disgusting. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I should have told you, I wanted to, but … I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for …’

There’s a sound like a door opening
.

‘Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was in here.’ A boy-voice
.

‘That’s OK. I have to go anyway.’

‘Don’t go. Please. I think we should talk.’

‘Not here. Not now. You should stay – talk to her.’ Her? I think ‘her’ must be me. But who are they, and who is Simon for that matter?

Don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think …

‘I don’t know what to say.’ He sounds petulant
.

‘How about sorry? That might be a good place to start.’ Ouch. A door slamming shut hurts my ears. I listen hard for the boy-voice, but my ears are full of nothing. Just the beeping and whooshing. Comforting. I’m just starting to drift away when he speaks
.

‘This is so weird.’ I hear a loud exhalation, and I think I feel it on my arm. ‘Just for the record, I
don’t
think you can hear me. Nothing I’ve read about this sort of thing has convinced me.’ Ha. That’s what you think, buddy
.

A deep sigh. ‘But I
am
sorry, you know. This should never have happened. I did care about you, but it was messed up from the start. You want to hear something funny?’ I can tell it’s going to be anything but funny. His voice is sour
.

‘Remember the night we met? I’d just got back from uni, and the first thing I did was go round to her house. I’d been thinking about her ever since we met. I’d emailed and called and texted, but she just ignored me, and I couldn’t work out why. I was pretty gutted. God, why am I even bothering to explain? You can’t hear a word I’m saying.’ YES, I CAN!

‘Anyway, she refused to see me that night too. And then I met you at the bus stop. I thought I’d try to forget about her. And it was working, till I found out you two were friends. It was so fucked up. I know it’s no excuse, but I was confused. I … I thought I was falling in love with you, but I couldn’t get her out of my head. She knew how I felt, but she said she wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. She made me promise not to say anything – even made me pretend I’d never met her before.’

His voice goes quiet. ‘When you told me about her getting pregnant … I blamed myself. I knew it must have been Simon – he’s such a sleazy fucker and he’d acted so damn smug after that party, but I never knew why. I begged Sal to see me. I kissed her that night, but she said if I broke up with you she’d never forgive me. She really loves you, you know that?

‘And then that night. You shouldn’t have had to see that. But nothing actually happened. We never …’

It hits me. Like a physical blow to my heart. That night. I remember That Night
.

I don’t hear another word he says
.