Equilibrium (Marauders #4.5) (19 page)

“Are you two still talking to each other the way you used to?”

“Sometimes, but not as often. Mostly if something happens and I freeze.”

“When you have sex?”

“Yes, but other things, too. But… It’s like I don’t have to talk as much. I usually just explain to him what it was that made me tick.” I thought about it. “That doesn’t happen that often anymore, though. Usually if I’m stressed or have slept badly, you know, stuff like that.”

“Have you argued again?”

The question made me laugh. “Yeah.”

It had annoyed me for a while that he’d been in his counselor mode instead of boyfriend mode, like he was holding back. It had taken him a month or so, and then he’d just flipped out about how I left my things around his apartment. It had been like opening the floodgates, and he’d screamed his heart out. At first, I’d been a bit hurt, and then I was relieved. It meant he’d stopped worrying about hurting my feelings, and stopped treating me like a delicate china doll. It felt awesome. Once he was done screaming, he’d sat down on the couch next to me, and he’d said, ‘Guess I needed to get that off my chest.’

Since then, we argued now and then. He’d never flipped out like that first time, but we’d screamed at each other. It felt good. Not the actual screaming, but that he dared.

“And it still doesn’t scare you?”

“No. He’s made me feel a lot of things, not all of them good, but he’s never scared me.”

Doctor Flores smiled. “And your parents?”

“I don’t think we’ll ever be back to before, but I think we’re as close as we can get. And yes, I’ve argued with both of them, too. Dad said that you poking around has made me completely impossible to argue with. Apparently I do mind tricks on him.”

That made her laugh. “I think that sounds very promising. And I don’t think it’s my mind tricks, I think you’re growing up. Your dad is less of a god and more of a man in your eyes. It’s as it should be. It would’ve happened anyway, but I think what happened hitched the process for a while. You’re back on track.”

The comment made me think of that first time I talked to Roach. When he told me he didn’t think I was broken, just knocked off course, and I smiled.

“I think so, too.”

“Good.”

“So,” I took a deep breath and drummed my hands on the sides of the armchair, “I’m not sure I need to come here as often anymore.”

I’d been thinking about it a lot, and I’d talked to Mom and Dad about it, too. It felt odd to say it, and to some extent even ungrateful. But I figured there were others who needed her help more than I did.

“Why’s that?”

“Honestly, it feels like we’re just talking about what’s working. There’s not much that isn’t working right now. I’d like to come, like, once a month for a while—just in case.”

“I think you’re right,” she said with a nod.

“You do?”

“Yes. I think coming back for a while is good, and I want you to contact me for an extra appointment if you feel it’s needed, but I think you’re ready to be without me.”

We booked the next appointment three weeks later, and with her assurance that I could call her for an emergency session
at any time
ringing in my ear, I left her office to get to rehearsals.

And two hours later I was up on stage, acting my ass off.

“What is it to you if she dance on blood?” I recited. “Though hast waded deep enough therein…”

I was Herodias in Oscar Wilde’s
Salomé
, and I loved that part. The Green Kittens had started to grow, and even if I sometimes missed when it was just a few of us, it was a good thing, too. For one thing, it meant we weren’t as limited when we chose what plays we wanted to do. It also meant we could take turns in another way. I had a big part in this play, but I’d already said that I’d be okay with doing a smaller part or just work backstage for the next one. I’d been glad that I’d had this play to work with over summer, though. It had kept my mind off school, and now we were just two weeks away from the premiere. This time we were doing several performances in Greenville, two in Phoenix, and one in Tucson, which was
really
cool. It was just small community theaters there, too, and it was a part of an exchange thing, which meant we were getting their drama clubs to Greenville for performances, but I was still pretty excited about it.

“I have kissed thy mouth, Jokanaan, I have kissed thy mouth. There was a bitter taste on thy lips. Was it the taste of blood? … But perchance it is the taste of love… They say that love hath a bitter taste… But what of that? What of that? I have kissed thy mouth Jokanaan.”

“Kill that woman!” Victoria yelled.

“And curtain!” Miriam screamed and jumped up to her feet. “We rock!”

“I’m going to need water on stage,” Victoria laughed. “You should need it, too, Miriam. My mouth is like a desert after all the long lines. We’ve never done anything with such long monologues.”

I’d always loved to be in The Green Kittens, they’d been my best friends since I was in my early teens, but I loved it even more now. They hadn’t distanced themselves from me when they found out what happened, even when I was trying to push them away. They’d been there, waiting, but giving me time. And when I finally came back, they’d been the only people outside my family and the club that I saw. They’d kept including me, and had continued to ask me to join in on things even when I’d said no a million times. When I finally said yes, they hadn’t made a big deal out of it, and we’d gone to Miriam’s summer house in Florida for a weekend on the beach and boat rides. It had been great, and late the last night there, I’d asked Miriam about it. Because if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t so sure I’d have been as patient with someone as they’d been with me.

Miriam told me they’d talked about it when they found out what had happened, what they would do and how they would act. They’d even contacted a shrink and had met with her as a group to find out what she thought would be the best way to deal with it. The shrink had told them to not let go of me, to not force me, but to make sure I knew I had a place to come back to. And to not ask questions, but to make their group a safe place were no one pried or questioned me, but were willing to listen if I wanted to talk. I told her they’d been perfect.

We were all in a hurry to get out of there as soon as we were done, but we made plans to finish the wardrobe at my place during the weekend. And when we went outside, Roach was leaning against his bike, waiting for me.

“I don’t think it’s legal in Arizona to be that fucking sexy in public,” Miriam muttered.

I laughed and ran up to him for a kiss.

“Get a room,” Miriam hollered from somewhere behind me.

“I can’t believe you have enough saliva for kissing after that run-through,” Victoria laughed. “You clearly weren’t working hard enough, girl!”

I gave them the finger without taking my lips from Roach’s.

“Rub it in,” Miriam said. “Don’t forget Saturday at your place.”

I let go and turned around. “I know.”

Victoria pointed at Roach. “Bring a couple of those if you have any to spare.”

I waved at them when they continued towards the parking lot, and Roach shook his head.

“You know your friends are crazy?”

“I know. That’s why I love them.”

“Just making sure,” he said and straddled his bike. “Have to say, I’m glad I’m on a run this weekend. Why are they coming over?”

“We’re doing the last fixes on the costumes,” I explained. “We spent half the time today making sure the they didn’t fall off our bodies.”

“You sure you don’t want me to… sit there and watch? I wouldn’t mind.”

“I bet you wouldn’t, you perv. Not sure why, you work at a strip club, you see naked girls all the time.”

“Not as interesting when they’re willing to flash themselves.”

“You’re sick. They wouldn’t mind, though. They think you’re
totes sexy.
”

“Please, god, tell me they didn’t say
totes sexy
.”

“No. They said other things.”

“What things?” he asked with a big smile.

“Things,” I said and took my helmet from him.

“About my chiseled chin, full lips, long tongue?” he asked and then wiggled his tongue.

“I would say ‘ewww,’ but I kind of like when you do that with your tongue in other places.”

“Kind of? Don’t kid yourself, baby, you
love
it. And don’t try to distract me with sex talk. Was it about my abs?”

“There were some discussions about your abs, but more speculations about what they look like.”

“Speculations? You didn’t tell them?”

“I’m a lady,” I said in mock horror. “I do
not
kiss and tell.”

Roach raised an eyebrow, “Really?”

“I told them in detail what your upper body looks like. Some of them cried in jealousy.”

“That’s my girl,” he laughed. “You know you’re the only one, right? That no matter what I say, or what I look at every fucking night, you’re the one.”

“I know. I’m your luck.”

“And I’m a lucky fuck,” he smiled. “I know that. A
very
lucky fuck.”

“And a good one,” I pointed out. “How long till your shift starts?”

“We got about an hour and a half. Wanna get a room?”

“Definitely. Or just go to your place,” I laughed. “You know you’re the only one, too? I love you.”

With a big smile, he pulled me closer and kissed me again.

“I love you, too,” he said when he’d let go of me. “Get up behind me, and I’ll take you home and make you come a couple of times before I have to get to work.”

I threw my leg over the bike and sat down before putting my arms around Roach and hugging him. I loved riding with him, and he took it slowly until we’d left the central area of town.

At the end of
The Bell Jar,
Esther says there ought to be a ritual for being born twice, and I thought that maybe there should. I just didn’t know when my second birth had really happened—when the bell jar that had been shielding me from the rest of the world really disappeared.  The first time I had sex with Roach? The first time I
wanted
to have sex? Or maybe it was nothing about sex? Maybe it was when I took those first hesitant steps towards him and asked him to help me.

Sometimes I thought it didn’t really have anything to do with Roach. Maybe the rebirth happened when I was raped—when the bell jar had descended upon me—because I’d had to see that horror version of the world before I could fully appreciate the beautiful things in it.

Roach had once told me most addicts had to hit bottom and wallow in it for a while before they even thought about climbing up. I didn’t know what his bottom had been. I’d thought it was his sister’s death, but he’d told me it wasn’t. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, and I didn’t think it really mattered. But I guessed he knew about rebirths better than most.

I didn’t know for sure when mine had happened, and most often I didn’t care. Things were still the same, and at the same time they were completely different. Or rather: I was the same, and still completely different.

I liked it, this new version of me. It was more complicated and complex, but it made me see things in a more three-dimensional way, somehow—and I
loved
that.

When we picked up speed, I snuck my hand under Roach’s sweatshirt and found my favorite spot. It was just next to his belly button, with the palm of my hand against the velvety skin on his stomach, feeling his hard muscles flex just underneath it, and my fingertips on the string of hair leading right down to his awesome cock. Just feeling the hair made me think of where it led.

Then I straightened my back, rested my chin on his shoulder and closed my eyes—feeling the wind on my face while my fingertips stroked his treasure trail.

It felt good to be alive.

THE END