Even In Darkness (Between) (13 page)

Heat blazed
up my neck as I realized Callison had been sitting outside the door the entire time. The very door that Aiden and I had just—

I forced the thought out of my mind. While I wrestled my clothing back into position, Aiden strode across the room and yanked open the door. He started to give Callison a piece of his mind but abruptly stopped at the sight of his brother.

“Willie? Are ye well?”

“Aye,” he responded, though his eyes didn’t meet Aiden’s. There was something beyond embarrassment on his face. Something
like pity. Dread surged from deep within, nearly choking me. “Milady, the captain wishes to see you in his quarters.”

Aiden swore so loudly that Willie winced and shrunk back a step. Hands in his hair, he paced the length of the room. “The nerve…He thinks he can…And that he’ll have…” He slammed his fist into the wall as if it were as soft as a pillow. The blood that sprang to his knuckles
proved that it wasn’t.

I jumped
to my feet. “Aiden!” He turned to me, eyes wild with pain and fury. “It’s okay.” At the incredulous look on his face, I hastened to clarify. “No, I mean, it’s not okay. It’ll never be okay that he wants me to…” I let the words die, since finishing that sentence wasn’t going to help either of us. “What I mean is, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter. You’re the one I love and we’ll get through this. Together.”

He pulled me into a fierce embrace,
then held me at arms’ length for a moment. “I haven’t had the chance to tell ye, and I didn’t intend to do so with witnesses.” He gestured with his head to Willie and Callison behind us. “But ye shouldn’t go without…well, ye shouldn’t go at all, actually, but I don’t want to…’tis only that…”

“What?” I’d never seen him so tongue-tied. “What are you trying to say?”

His eyes held mine, as soft as a touch. “I love you. I’ve never said that to any woman, I give ye my oath. You’ve saved me and ruined me all at once, Lindsey MacRae. I want to stop this madness, but I don’t know how.”

My heart did a flip-flop at the sincerity in his voice. Everything in me screamed to stay there in his arms, captain
be damned, but I knew what I had to do. And putting it off wasn’t going to help.

“
I love you, too. I’ll come right back, I promise.”

His lips crashed down over mine in a kiss filled with desperation, desire, and despair. When we finally broke for air, I didn’t look up at him—knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to handle what I’d see—and left with Willie.

“Right this way,” he said, his soft voice leaden with apology. He knew somehow that I was going from Aiden’s bed to Eagan’s and that made me feel like the lowest worm. No, like the dirt caked on a worm’s slimy body. I wasn’t going to explain to him that I was doing this for him, too, so I just kept my mouth shut and let the silence stretch between us. He played with his pocket watch on its chain as we walked.

I hadn’t been to the captain’s quarters on this new ship, so I paid attention to the path we were taking so I could make my way back to Aiden without assistance. We finally arrived at a door with a plaque above that read ‘Captain Masterson’ in bold lettering.

“Here we are then,” Willie said with a sigh. Not meeting my eyes, he mumbled, “God speed,” and then slipped away, leaving me staring at Eagan’s door.

Taking a deep breath, I straightened my spine.
You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. You can—

I opened the door forcefully and then stood there dumbly staring.

Chapter 13

Eagan’s modest living quarters from the battleship were a distant memory. The bedroom—no, luxury suite—I stood in made me catch my breath. The walls shone with cherry wood paneling, supporting several large oil paintings. There was an ornate armoire against one wall, and a mahogany dining set in another area. Deep green silks surrounded a huge, four-poster bed. And while the sight of that bed—and what it signified—made me swallow hard, that wasn’t what had snared my attention and made my jaw drop open in shock.

In the center of the room sat an old-fashioned tub filled with steaming water. A tray
was nestled against the tub, carrying all sorts of soaps, brushes, towels, and a couple bottles of who-knows-what. Perfume? Scented oils? The suite was empty; Eagan was nowhere to be found.

The bathtub drew me like a magnet. My feet moved of their own accord to the heavenly sight
as a hundred emotions poured over me: confusion, guilt, suspicion, worry. But the thought of being clean again blotted out everything else. I hadn’t realized until that moment just how filthy I’d become and all of a sudden, my skin itched like spiders were crawling all over me.

A
folded note on the tray caught my eye and I bent down to pick it up, still scratching my neck with my other hand.

My dearest Lindsey,

I thought you might enjoy a long soak. There’s a gift for you in the armoire when you’re finished.

Yours, Eagan

A gift? Trying to ignore the rush of warmth I felt at the idea, I crossed to the armoire and pulled it open, only to be assaulted by a fresh wave of joy. Three colorful dresses hung on one side while the captain’s clothes were meticulously folded on the other half, above a stack of drawers. A row of boots—his and mine—lined the bottom of the armoire. My heart rejoiced at the thought of having new clothes to wear. I had lost count of the number of days I’d been stuck in my filthy dress. I could hardly wait to peel it off. Maybe I’d throw it overboard, since I sure as hell never wanted to wear it again. I reached out my hand to stroke one of the gowns, but pulled away at the sight of the dirt smeared across my thumb.

With a quick glance around the suite to convince myself no one was there to see, I wr
estled myself out of my dress that was speckled with Aiden’s blood from his injury. The corset laces didn’t want to give so that I could loosen it enough to slip the devil’s material off my body, but I worked at it until they finally came free. My lungs greedily sucked in oxygen, knowing that even with the beautiful gowns awaiting me, the freedom from my corset was only a temporary reprieve.

Finally naked, I stepped into the small, narrow tub and let the steaming water envelop me. Muscles I didn’t even know I had unclench
ed in the soothing warmth. Eyes closed, I scooted down further so that my head fell back and my knees stuck out of the water. A song bubbled up from inside me and I started singing softly, something I used to do all the time but had rarely done since we fell off that cliff and found ourselves in this mess. The tangle of emotions I’d been working so hard to keep in check started to unravel in the water’s comforting embrace.

Images of my mother and father sprang to mind
, flooding me with an ache I couldn’t contain. For once, I didn’t try to hold back the tears that ran down my cheeks. Encased in warmth and solitude, I finally let the sorrow flow over me and allowed myself to grieve all that I had lost. I had no idea where this charade was headed, but I knew I’d never see my parents again. The weight of their loss settled on my chest and seeped into my heart. I sagged under the pressure but knew I’d have to accept the ache that would be with me from that day forward. I held the pain close like a security blanket. Caressed it. Owned it. And somehow, I found the beginnings of peace from the depths within, like a seed that is planted deep in the soil and works its way up to the surface, pushing aside the darkness with its tiny bursts of strength. An enduring sense of calm settled over me until my tears were dry tracks along my cheeks. Taking a deep breath, I sat up in the tub and splashed water over my face, ready to tackle whatever lay ahead. What I’d left behind was well and truly gone, but it would always be with me, always be a part of me, and for that, I was thankful. But holding on to the past wouldn’t help me navigate the minefield before me, and I had to let it go.

The scent of lavender floated across to me and I reached out to bring a wedge of soap to my nose. Mmmm…it reminded me of the field of wild flowers where I’d first met Aiden.
Holding tight to the sweet memory, I lathered my body and my hair. Weeks’ worth of dirt and grime washed away, leaving me feeling fresh and strong. Whatever came at me, I knew I could deal with it, even if it meant sleeping in Eagan’s bed, feeling his weight on top of me each night.

The thought should have made me shudder, should have made me cringe, but
somehow it didn’t. I refused to examine that too closely, afraid of what it might reveal about me. Instead, I gave myself a final rinse and gingerly stepped out of the tub, still favoring my weak ankle. My hands sought out the towel on the bottom shelf of the tray, but it was miniscule compared to the bath sheets we had at home. I was used to a big, fluffy towel that wrapped all the way around me and then some. The towel in my hand was hardly wide enough to cover my essential bits and not nearly long enough to wrap around my body. Still, no one was there to see, so I quickly dried off and headed to the armoire to pick out a gown.

The
sound of the door opening and closing made me gasp out loud. I whipped around to scream at the intruder, my insufficient towel clutched in front of me.

“Get out! What do you think you’re
—” I started to shriek, but the words got stuck in my mouth, collapsing against one another. Eagan stood in the doorframe, motionless and slack-jawed as though all the blood had rushed from his head. The bulge immediately straining the front of his pants was proof that that was exactly what had happened. He snapped his mouth closed and swallowed hard, never taking his eyes off the bare skin of my hips and breasts that peeked out on either side of my pitiful excuse for a towel.

A blush
flamed in my cheeks at the unabashed lust and awe on his face. Part of me wanted to yell at him to stop staring at me while the other part wanted to see how he’d react if I dropped the towel altogether.
Since I’ve already agreed to sleep with him, maybe we should cut to the chase and get this over with
, I reasoned. But something held me back—shyness, perhaps—and I went with my first instinct instead.

“What are you doing here?”

Eagan’s eyes shot up to meet my own. He blinked rapidly, like he was emerging from a deep sleep. “It’s my chamber.”

“Duh.
I mean now. You knew I was in here bathing! Was that your plan? To lure me in with the bath and then burst in while I was naked?”

“No!” He seemed truly discomposed, which was a first. “I apologize. I assumed you would be finished by now.”

My pruney hands were proof that I’d lingered too long in the bath, so it wasn’t a completely outrageous assumption. Still, he needed to stop staring at me.

“Well, I wasn’t. And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get dressed.”
I stood still, waiting for him to turn and leave.

Instead, h
is face broke into a wide smile and my heart did this weird little jig. “Ah, you saw the dresses. Did you like them? I had them made especially for you while we were in town.”

“They’re lovely
, but geez, would you turn around already?” Holding my towel with one hand, I gestured in a shooing motion toward him.

“Ah, right,” he replied, then dutifully turned to face the door.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t keep my gaze from trailing south to admire his tight, firm butt. Those eighteenth-century trousers fit him like a second skin and what a skin it was. The towel slipped between my fingers and fluttered to the floor as I did my own staring.
I might be married, but I’m not dead,
I thought to myself.
Well, actually, I am dead.

Laughing to myself
, I turned back to the armoire and pulled out the yellow day dress along with a clean linen shift, corset, stockings, and boots, then placed them on the bed.

I sat
on the bed to pull on my stockings, and one by one, rolled the silky fabric over my toes and up my legs. I kept an eye on Eagan the whole time, to make sure he wasn’t sneaking peeks, but he was still turned toward the door, his head angled slightly to one side. After I covered myself with the shift—which was really like a thin nightgown—I moved toward Eagan to let him know he could turn around, but my gaze fell on a small, brass-edged mirror attached to the wall. Eagan’s eyes met mine in the reflection and I realized he’d been watching me the entire time.

Outraged, I grabbed a boot and flung it at his head.
“You perv!”

He dodged the boot easily,
then turned to face me, grinning like the cat who swallowed the canary. He attempted a sheepish look, but he wasn’t fooling anyone. His delight was so infectious that I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I can’t believe you! You were watching the whole time?”

“No, not the whole time.” He took a step toward me, the mischief on his face giving way to something else I couldn’t quite read. My pulse started going crazy when he reached out and hooked one finger in the wet curls next to my cheek. “Lord in heaven, you are exquisite,
ma chérie
. Do you even know what you do to me?” His voice had a breathless quality to it as he trailed the back of his fingers down my neck and across my collarbone. “You’ve completely bewitched me like some mystical enchantress. With your silken hair and lush, sweet skin that could drive a man insane. I can’t form a rational thought when you’re near. Just standing there, watching you roll on your stockings, I…”

His eyes darkened until they were nearly black. So different from Aiden’s and yet, I couldn’t deny the pull I felt toward him with every cell of my being. Something inside me yearned for this man
. Something about him felt so right that I couldn’t reconcile it. I’d just come from Aiden’s bed and yet Eagan’s stare alone was turning me inside out, making me liquid with need. Unable to handle the intensity of his gaze, I dropped my eyes to the fullness of his bottom lip. His tongue snaked out and swept across it, leaving it wet and glistening. Without thinking, I leaned toward him, suddenly and inexplicably desperate for his kiss, desperate to touch him, but he pulled away at the last minute.

He cleared his throat. The sound snapped me out of my hypnotic state. “It wasn’t right of me to watch you in the mirror, I know. But I couldn’t help myself. You are
unbearably beautiful. Still, that’s no excuse for my ungentlemanly behavior, and I do hope you’ll forgive me.”

Forgive him?
Ungentlemanly behavior? I’d already agreed to sleep with him in exchange for Aiden and Willie’s lives, so it was outrageous he was trying to be a gentleman now. An irrational anger flared to life in my chest, overriding the sense of disappointment that had filled me when he’d pulled away.

“Whatever,” I snapped. “You can do what you like. You’re the captain.” I brushed past him and grabbed my boot from where it
had landed near the door. Fuming, I whirled on him. “You can go now.”

“I need to help you with your corset.”

Everything in me screamed to disagree with him, to tell him I could do it my own damn self, but he was right. “Fine.” Gritting my teeth, I stomped over to the armoire and yanked it out of one of the drawers. A disturbing realization struck me that I was acting like a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way, who didn’t get what she wanted. And what was it that I wanted so badly? The answer smacked me in the face.

Him.

The realization completely unnerved me. Even now, as I recognized the emotion inside me as hurt more than anger, I felt an impossible desire to run to him and throw myself at him. Holy crap, I needed to get a grip.

Corset in hand, I flounced back to the bed and
pressed the stays against my chest, waiting for him to yank the laces tight behind me. He swept my hair over my neck, out of the way, his fingers lightly brushing against my collarbone. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the shivers of desire that went tripping across my skin at his simple touch. He pulled the laces taut and stepped away to hand me the dress. It fit perfectly.

Of course it did. He
’d had it made especially for me. I’d never had clothes custom made for me. All my outfits came from department stores at the mall. And I recognized that handmade dresses were how they did things back then, so this was totally normal, but I couldn’t deny that it made me feel like a princess inside.

“May I?” Eagan asked, holding out my boots and gesturing for me to sit on the bed. When I sat, he lif
ted my foot and slipped the shoe on. His fingertips slid along my calf, sending a bolt of electricity straight up my leg and under my skirt. Squirming, I pressed my thighs together.

“I like the little bows on the sides of the boots,” I said lamely, trying to diffuse the sexual tension between us.