Everlost (The Night Watchmen Series Book 3) (12 page)

“Weldon!” Jezi hisses through her teeth.

Evangeline looks away. “I knew I shouldn’t have come yet. Maybe not even at all,” she says sadly, turning to the wolves, who are clearly agitated. “It’s okay. This was my doing. Be mad with me, not him.”

The smallest wolf nudges Evangeline’s leg again and again, whimpering, forcing Evangeline to look at her. She looks up at Gavin. “I should go, but before I do, I just want you to know that I love you. Both of you. Please make sure he knows that.” She looks past us, up to the window in the library where a sliver of a curtain is parted, letting out a dim stream of light.

With a heavy inhale, she turns back to the wolves, and then howls out as her clothes fall and her body shifts into a snowy white wolf, slightly bigger than all the rest. The small wolf nuzzles her neck, and then, as a pack, they take off, disappearing into the woods.

I turn back, just catching the curtain falling shut.

“That went better than I expected it to,” Gavin says, clapping his hands together. “For a moment there, I thought we’d have a full-on brawl with her… well, with her pack.” He shakes his head, his eyes going wide just for a moment. “Damn, it feels weird saying that.”

I jerk my gaze over to him, eyebrows burrowed. “I can’t believe you’re going to make a joke of this,” I say, my heart in a million pieces on the ground.

He drops his hands from his face. His playful features harden. “I’m not joking, Faye. What did you think would happen? She’d say a few things and Jaxen would fall into her arms? I knew he wouldn’t be happy once he knew. He’s my brother. But I wasn’t sure that he’d be able to control himself enough to keep from starting a fight. None of us are in any shape to take on a pack of wolves. Especially not wolves led by my mother.”

“Wait a damn second,” Jezi says, laughing incredulously. “She’s the alpha?”

“Yep,” Gavin says, sounding somewhat proud and more than a little disheartened. “From the little she was able to tell me, she killed the original alpha the night he—” He stops, and his face screws up when he tries to swallow, almost as if he’s swallowing shards of glass. After inhaling deeply, he finishes. “The night he forced himself on her,” he rushes out, his lips pressed so tightly together, they’re almost white.

Cassie gasps, covering her mouth with her hands. Jezi stiffens, and then her eyes glaze over. I’m pretty sure I’ve died. I’m pretty sure between the pain I saw in her eyes, and in Jaxen’s, and then hearing just what she went through, has taken the strength in my limbs and crushed it into nothingness.

Gavin’s gaze is somewhere distant. It’s clear in his expression just how hard it is for him to think it, let alone say it out loud, and it makes me want to hug him. It makes me want to find Evangeline and ask her if we can start over.

“I’m sorry, man,” Weldon says, his head hung. “I-I didn’t realize.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not something you automatically think about. Not something you even want to think about,” Gavin says. He turns just enough for his eyes to fall on me. “Look, Jaxen doesn’t know… so please don’t tell him. At least, not yet. Let that be a discussion between us. Cool?”

I nod, unable to find the words needed.

He turns back to everyone else and says, “Anyway, she’s been in charge and on the run ever since. I’m hoping after he cools off, we’ll be able to sit down and talk, and then maybe try again.”

“That poor woman,” Jezi says, hand over her heart.

“Come on,” Gavin says. He puts his arm around Cassie, and they head inside as a short breeze whips past us.

“Did you see that small wolf?” I ask Jezi as we follow behind.

“Yeah,” Jezi says, not offering anything more than that.

Jaxen’s sitting at the bottom of the stairs when I cross the threshold with a crystal glass filled with liquor in his hand. No one tries to take the drink from him. “I’m sorry,” he says to Gavin, who stops in front of him. “I know I screwed up, but I swear I really tried. I just… it was too much.”

Gavin puts his hand on Jaxen’s shoulder and squeezes. “I know, brother. You did good. You heard her. It’s a step in the right direction. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to let the rest unfold. We’ll worry about it then, okay?”

Jaxen’s head hangs as he nods. Gavin squeezes his shoulder, and then he and Cassie step around him, heading up the stairs. When they’re at the top he says, “Tomorrow we’ll figure out our plan for what comes next. Get some sleep.”

Jezi squeezes Jaxen’s shoulder, and then heads for her room. I take a seat next to him on the stairs.

“A werewolf. A freaking werewolf. Of all the reasons…”

What Gavin told me rushes through my mind. I feel like the words are tattooed on my skin. Like they’re lingering in my eyes, just waiting for him to see. If he only knew… then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard for him to forgive her. Maybe he could really see what she went through and try to let go of his own pain.

But I promised Gavin.

So I slowly wrap my arms around him. Rest my chin on his shoulder. Nudge the side of his face with my nose. The small shudders he makes from repressing his tears cracks my heart clean in two. Sucks the air from my lungs.

We sit here, like this, for a while. Until he gains enough control to breathe evenly.

“Maybe she was scared,” I say, trying to keep my tone steady. “You know, when it happened. Maybe she was too scared to tell you,” I finish, watching him down the glass.

“Yeah, well, scared or not, family is supposed to stick together. We’re supposed to fight together. She didn’t even give us a chance.” There’s a fragility to his voice that grabs a hold of my throat and restricts it, making it hard to swallow. Even harder to bear.

“She’s your mom, Jaxen. She’s not the Goddess. Parents make mistakes, just like everyone else.”

He looks over at me, his green eyes rimmed in red. He’s just barely holding on. Just barely keeping it together. There’s so much hurt, anger, and betrayal on his face that a tsunami crashes over my heart, drowning me in sorrow.

“What am I supposed to do?” he says, almost desperately. “Pretend it never happened just because she was turned? Forgive everything? Act like the hell I’ve been through was little compared to what she went through… probably is still going through?”

He breaks off with his own realization. You could stab a knife through the quiet that follows his words.

More tears form in his eyes, and I swear I’ll never be whole again. I just want to erase his pain. Make it all my own, but I can’t. I can only share in it. Be here for him.

“Yeah, I think that is what I’m saying.”

His eyes water over, and I pull him into a hug.

Sometimes, realizing that the world doesn’t always revolve around you… that others suffer too, day in and day out, is one of the hardest realizations you’ll ever have to face.

THAT NIGHT, I FIND MYSELF lying alone on the bed in my room, staring up at the lights on the fan until my eyes water.

My room could be a freezer. The cold has set in, frosting the edges of the window with tiny crystals. I roll myself into my down comforter, burying my head beneath my pillows. I don’t know why, but being cocooned has always made me feel safe. Like I can think better… clearer.

So many thoughts tumble through my head, making it impossible to move, let alone speak to anyone. After the encounter with Jaxen’s mom, he decided he wanted to take a walk… alone… and so he headed out back into the pergola that leads to the herb garden and disappeared.

It’s been three hours now.

My determination to let him have his time alone has shackled me to my bed. A huge part of me wants to run after him. To find him and help him through this. But the rest of me knows that there are certain pains we feel as living beings, that no one’s words of advice or love can remedy. Like the pain of losing someone. Because the truth is, life goes on whether you’re ready for it to or not, and you have to choose whether you’re going to sink or swim.

I think that’s what Jaxen’s feeling. The great debate of if he should let go of his painful past or not.

I shoot upright when a knock sounds on the door. A second later, the handle twists, and Katie’s face peeks around the corner.

“You awake?”

“Yeah.”

She opens the door the rest of the way, making her way over to sit next to me on the bed. I lay back down, finding the one small water-stained spot on the ceiling, and fold my hands across my stomach.

Katie does the same.

Neither of us says anything for a while. We just let ourselves be. Like we used to. Like when we would stare up at the sky for hours. Minutes pass by, and I’m forced to blink from my eyes growing so watery. I wish I could just turn my brain off. I wish for so many things.

“I’m pretty sure your thoughts are out-screaming mine right now,” Katie says quietly.

I swallow and, still, the lump won’t move.

“Want to talk about it?” she asks hesitantly, as if she’s unsure she even has a place to offer that kind of friendship anymore.

The crack in my heart spreads a little further.

“Jaxen’s mom showed up.”

“Really? Is that like… a big deal?”

I forgot how little she really knows. How distant we’ve actually grown.

“Yeah. She abandoned him and Gavin when they were little, on the night they found out their father was dead. They haven’t seen her since, well, until today.”

“Wow. That’s so… so awful,” she says. “Why now?”

I shrug a little. “I guess she was staying here when we showed up. Maybe she figured it was time?”

She shifts next to me, facing me now, so I turn and meet her gaze.

“How did it go? I mean, what were her reasons?”

My eyes follow the pink scar trailing across her face, and I squeeze them shut, wishing I never met horror. Wishing I lived in a world where it didn’t exist.

“Faye?”

“She was bit,” I say so quietly, so sadly, “by a werewolf.”

When I open my eyes, Katie’s face has frozen. Paled to that of skim milk. I can almost see the memories she’s tried so hard to forget etching themselves across her face. The blood. The screams. The night her life was forever changed by the force of another during a sacred ritual she was supposed to be protected in.

“I’m sorry,” I say, looking away from her. I’m afraid if I don’t, then I’ll dissolve into nothing but everyone else’s pain.

“Don’t be,” she struggles to say. “Finish what you were going to say.” I can hear the old Katie somewhere in there. The strength I had always admired in her. The strength I thought I’d never have.

I inhale and say, “She was bitten, raped, and forced to become the alpha when she killed the werewolf that raped her.” It sounds so much worse saying it out loud. It feels even more horrible. Like my chest is collapsing in on my heart.

Katie’s fingers trace the outline of her scar. “I hate them,” she seethes. “I hate them so much it hurts.” Tears flood her eyes and I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close. “I wish… I wish we never knew this world. I wish we had both been Defects. Then we wouldn’t have to know this level of pain.”

“I know,” I say, though, surprisingly, I don’t mean it. Because to mean it, would mean that I’d take back ever knowing Jaxen, Weldon, Jezi, and all the rest, and I don’t mean that at all. I’d take all the pain and more, just to have had the time with them I’ve had.

And it shocks me to realize how much I’ve grown to love them. How they’ve become more than just family to me.

“Sometimes, I hate having these kinds of feelings. Sometimes, I feel like… like there’s no end to what I can feel. No depth or range that I could ever conquer. Sort of like the ocean. The deeper I plunge, the darker and colder I seem to find myself,” I say, shivering. “And I fear my lungs will compress and explode because of it.”

Katie snivels. “Did he—did he forgive her?” she asks, her voice strained with raw emotion.

“Not yet. At least, not when he left. But I think he’s beginning to, now that he knows it was out of her hands.”

“That’s good.”

“Faye?” I hear Jezi shout from somewhere outside of my door. I feel her pushing against my mind, trying to communicate with me.

“Yes?”

“Did you still want to do the spell for your Grimoire?”

I sit upright. “Of course.”

“Okay. The talisman is ready. The moon is full tonight. I can start the tea if you’d like. The sooner, the better.”

“I’ll be down in a minute.”

“What is it?” Katie asks, sitting up now too.

“My Grimoire, I left it behind in Ethryeal City, and I’m pretty sure Clara has it spelled so I can’t manifest it.”

“Oh no!”

“Exactly. Jezi has a spell that will help me find the Witch cloaking it, so I’m going to do it and get it back. Well, we’re going to get it back.”

“Oh.”

The word dive-bombs from her mouth, carrying enough acid to burn through metal.

“Isn’t that… dangerous?”

I stare at her for a moment, debating my words as I stand up, inhaling oxygen like it’s going to give me the courage I need to work this spell that could potentially jeopardize the one remaining hiding spot we have left, and say, “Everything in our world is dangerous.”

“YOU SURE YOU WANT TO do this?” Jezi asks me for the hundredth time. “Because once we drink this—”

“There’s no going back,” I finish for her. “I know. You’ve told me this. Cassie’s told me this. I’m fully aware, Jezi, but I have to do this. I have to,” I say, looking her dead in the eyes.

She relents on an exhale. “I know you do.”

Four words bearing so much meaning… so much understanding.

She turns back to the stove, turns the heat off, and moves the small pot onto another burner. Katie’s sitting across from me, eyeing every move Jezi makes, wearing a scowl on her lips. I’ve never seen her so quiet… so observant in my life. It’s obvious to me that she doesn’t know where she fits in in all of this. We all have found a rhythm between us, in one way or another, and she’s been forced into that.

And I remember that what she last knew of Jezi was that Jezi was mean. And bossy. And territorial.

And I haven’t really explained otherwise.

I haven’t been a good friend at all.

I cough, clearing my throat, which is clogged with a battering amount of emotions. Both of them look at me. “I just… I just realized I haven’t formally introduced you two. I mean, you know each other, I know that. But you don’t
know
know each other. At least, not the way I do.”

“And you’re point is…?” Jezi drags out, staring at me with a lowered eyebrow.

“That I think we should all have a do-over. Katie last met you when we were… well…”

“Oh, for Goddess’ sake,” Jezi says. She sets the vial of Belladonna on the counter and drops the wooden spoon back into the pot before shoving her hand toward Katie.

Katie flinches back, staring at her hand as if it’s contaminated by something lethal.

“Oh, come on. I don’t bite,” Jezi says, pushing her hand a little more toward Katie. “Just shake it so Faye can go back to thinking the world is merry and peachy. Witch-to-Witch, you know how it goes. I need her mental state to be level before we dive into this cluster.”

Katie looks at me. Her eyes are two windows, showcasing her fury and confusion. She’s searching mine for the answer. For how she should respond, because I don’t think she wants to respond nicely, and I don’t think she wants to do anything to upset anyone either. Especially not when we still have her partner to rescue.

“She isn’t who we thought she was,” I say softly, quietly. I feel Jezi’s gaze beating against my face, and my ears go pink. “I was wrong about her.”

Katie’s eye’s furrow and, for a moment, I think I see betrayal in them.

Jezi exhales loudly. Forcefully. Bringing Katie’s attention back to her, still with her hand out. “Look, I was a bitch, okay? And rightfully so. I thought Faye was someone different, but she’s proved herself and, as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of like her. Maybe even accept her as a blessing for Jax.” She jerks her gaze in my direction. “No, this doesn’t need to be something we discuss more on, or ever bring up again, okay?”

I hold my hands up in surrender.

“Anyway,” she continues, looking back at Katie, “we should get this truce over with so Faye can drink her tea and find her Grimoire. It’s the least we can do to take one worry off her plate. She has many.”

Katie looks at me one more time before taking Jezi’s hand, making sure that we both see her disdain for this situation.

Jezi rolls her eyes when the shake is done, and then turns to the pantry and grabs two mugs. She strains the tea, and then pours it into the mugs. “Here,” she says when she turns back around, handing the steaming cup out to me.

I take it and thank her before bringing it up to my nose. It doesn’t smell as bad as I thought it would. It has a faint licorice scent to it. The steam wisps in curls, warming my cheeks.

“Are you going to drink it, or just stare at it?” Weldon asks, coming in through the back door.

I glare at him and put the cup to my lips, sipping on the warm liquid. At once, I can feel my mind relaxing, slinking into a sedated state.

Jezi takes a long sip, grins over at Weldon, and then reaches for something I can’t see on top of the fridge. When she turns back around, she’s holding the jar with the talisman in it. “You’re going to put this back on, finish your tea, and then head up to your room.”

“Bossy much?” Katie mutters under her breath.

Jezi’s gaze flattens. “I wrote the spell out. Here,” she says, pulling a folded-up piece of paper from her pocket. “Read it when you’re ready to start the connection, which should be within the hour after finishing that tea. I’ll be in my room, in my meditative state, waiting for you.”

“Need help with that?” Weldon asks her, winking for added measure.

She gives him a look that could kill, and then heads out of the kitchen.