Evermore (18 page)

"Oh, Emily." She heaved a deep sigh. "I
commend you for your idealism. I really do. But making decisions
based on your heart's desire can lead to disaster. In Mama's case,
it did not, but in mine...in mine..." She sniffed and closed her
eyes. I squeezed her hands harder. "In mine, waiting for love has
led me to long years of loneliness. I should not have waited. I
would have been perfectly happy with one of those other men. Good,
solid men with good, solid work. They're all married now, and
they're all happy."

I withdrew my hands. "And you are not."

She looked up sharply. Her eyes were large
pools. "Oh, Em! No, I didn't mean that. I am very happy with you.
And with Cara. I adore you, you know that."

"But you are not fulfilled.
Something is missing." Until I'd said it, I didn't realize how much
I understood my sister. She
did
love me. I knew that without a doubt. But one day
I would move on. As would Cara. Celia craved something that was
just hers alone, forever. A husband to cherish always, children, a
home that had
her
stamp on it, not Mama's.

"Do not wait, Emily. Do not throw your future
away over a man who can never be there. This love you feel for
him...it will fade over time."

I shook my head and was about to protest, but
she put a finger to my lips, shushing me.

"It will always be within you, like a dull
ache, but the intensity will dampen and other loves will make up
for its loss. Children, a husband who adores you. And Theo does
love you. Any fool can see it. Please...love him back or at least
accept him and care for him. For your sake. And for Jacob's."

"Jacob?" I swallowed but couldn't dislodge
the lump in my throat.

"If he loves you, he will want you to have a
full life. He would not wish you to be unhappy, not even for a
moment, let alone decades."

Tears slid down my cheeks and dripped off my
chin onto my lap. "He does want my happiness." I was shaking, my
body quivering like a jelly. "He said...he said Theo would be good
to me."

She put her arm around my shoulders and
pulled me to her. Our foreheads touched and although I couldn't see
her face, I knew she was crying too. "Then you must marry Theo
Hyde. Live long with him at your side, love him and be loved in
return. You deserve nothing less."

My heart cracked and I turned into her
shoulder. Great, heaving sobs wracked me and I felt like I was
being turned inside out, my soul exposed. I had always prided
myself on being emotionally strong, but at that moment, I felt as
weak as a little child. It was a long time before I could speak and
when I did, my voice did not sound like my own. "I do want to give
up being a medium, performing at soirees and afternoon teas. I'm
tired of it, Celia. I suppose Theo could give me a life where I
don't have to do it anymore."

"Emily...I did not know the extent of your
dislike for your work." She wiped away my tears with her thumbs.
"I'm sorry, I—"

"Don't apologize. I know we needed the money
and I wanted to help our situation. But if I were to wed Theo..."
The idea of marrying him was still so new to me, I could not yet
put it into words.

"A lawyer would make a good wage," she
finished for me. "It won't be necessary for you to work once you
are wed." She smiled through her tears. "Just as well because all
of our séances have been canceled."

"All! Surely not everyone has heard about our
last two failures. And if they have, I'm surprised they think
that's reason enough to cancel."

"It's not just the difficulty summoning
spirits. It's worse." She tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
"Some are saying you are a fraud, true, but others claim you
release evil spirits." She waved a hand in dismissal. "Ridiculous
claims and I told them so."

I slumped back into the sofa. Celia, quite
recovered, told me to sit up straight like a young lady. "So you
see, you must secure Theo Hyde soon," she said. "Tomorrow night. At
the ball." She nodded at Cara who still slept, or feigned sleep, by
the fireplace. "Our future depends on it."

***

I lay awake in the darkness of my bedroom
thinking about a life with Theo. Would I like to marry him? Could I
do it? Every time I closed my eyes and thought about our wedding
day and beyond, the face that came to me wasn't Theo's but Jacob's.
And when I thought about Jacob, and what lay ahead for him, I
couldn't stop crying. I sobbed into the pillow until there was no
breath left in me and I could only make little gasping noises.

"Don't be sad."

I was so drained that I couldn't even twitch
in surprise at the sound of Jacob's voice. I rolled over and could
just make out his fuzzy outline in the darkness. With his superior
spirit sight, he could probably see my puffy eyes and red nose. I
didn't care.

"Jacob." I sat up. "Are you all right? Should
you be here? Doesn't it make you weaker?"

He sat on the edge of my bed near my hip. The
mattress hardly depressed, so light was he. "You know I can't stay
away from you, no matter what."

"But—"

"Shhh." He leaned down and kissed my damp
cheek. "Don't worry about it. Tell me why you're so upset."

"I...it's nothing. Forget about me. Jacob,
something important has happened. We discovered that Mrs. White is
the one who killed you. She's behind the curses. George, Theo, and
Louis are fetching a counter curse as we speak." I caressed his
cheek with the back of my hand. "It'll all be resolved very soon.
Everything will return to normal in the Waiting Area and you...you
will be able to crossover. We have your killer."

He sighed and his body seemed to relax a
little. "Thank God," he murmured. "Emily, you are a marvel."

"It was you who set us on the trail of Mrs.
White. If you hadn't discovered she was Frederick Seymour's mother,
we would still be in the dark." I cupped his face in my hands. It
was cold.

"I cannot tell you how relieved I am to hear
you speak of this being over. So many spirits have gone. The
Administrators too. There is only me and a handful of others
holding on up there. It's so difficult, Em. It takes so much out of
me."

"Then you must go. Go back there and rest. Do
not spend all your energy here." I gave his shoulder a gentle
shove, but he did not leave.

He took my hands and pressed them to his
lips. "Emily...I needed..." He disappeared and I held my breath,
but thankfully he returned in the same position. "...need to see
you...last time."

"This is not the last time." I rose up on my
knees on the bed and clutched his shirt, twisting the linen in my
fists. "Jacob, it will soon be over. You must hang on until
tomorrow night."

"...try." He smiled sadly. "If
all...well...crossover anyway. So this...bye."

"No! No, it's not goodbye." I shook my fists,
still holding onto his shirt. Hot tears burned my cheeks again and
it felt like they would never end. "I'm not ready. Not yet.
Jacob..."

He gently pried my fingers out of his shirt
then drew me to him and wrapped his arms around me like a blanket.
I cried into his chest until there was nothing left but deep,
aching sorrow.

We stayed like that, with my head tucked
beneath his chin and his arms around me, for a long time. It wasn't
until he began to shiver that I pulled away.

"You're cold," I said.

"A little."

"Let me warm you."

"I don't think...can."

"How do you know? Has anyone else tried?"

"Jealous?" He sounded amused.

"Come lie with me." I lifted the edge of the
bedcovers.

"...shouldn't."

"I don't care about what we should and should
not do. Jacob, this may be the last time we see each other. Can you
not forget propriety for a few moments and lie with me?"

I took his hand and guided him down. He
rested his head on the pillow beside mine and stretched out his
long legs beneath the covers. I linked my fingers with his between
us.

"Promise...not to...advantage of me?" he said
with a smile in his voice.

I laughed. "I'll try, although I am sorely
tempted."

"So am I," he whispered.

I leaned closer and found his mouth with my
own. Our light, teasing kisses were like tiny sparks upon impact,
then something within me ignited and I deepened the kiss. Warmth
spread down my spine, between my thighs, all the way to my toes,
and I hoped he felt it too. He groaned, a loud sound compared to
the whispered words he'd been speaking. Then he broke the kiss but
did not pull away.

"Emily," he murmured against my lips. "Ah,
Em... wish...lie...forever."

"We will," I heard myself say. "One day. We
will be together."

"Promise...promise me...don't give up...on
life." He lifted himself up on one elbow and regarded me from
above. I wished it weren't so dark so I could see him, but perhaps
it was for the best that I couldn't. The fierce intensity with
which he spoke alarmed me enough. "Don't...for me."

"I promise to live a full life here," I said
with as much conviction as my aching heart could muster. "But I
cannot promise I will be happy." I opened my arms and he lowered
himself into them. "Satisfied?"

His answer was a deep, shuddering sigh. We
held each other, chest to chest and hip to hip, and there we stayed
as he grew weaker toward dawn. Finally, as I lay in that foggy
place between awake and sleep, he faded away completely.

***

The Beaufort house in Belgrave Square was
like a beacon in the clear spring night. Light blazed from all the
windows and the lamps on the guests' coaches formed a bright,
swaying river along the street. Celia and I had intended to hire a
hansom to take us but one of George's carriages arrived
unannounced, minus George of course. He'd thought of
everything.

We were delivered to the ball in grand style,
made even grander by my gown. It was fit for a princess. Of the
palest gold, it was decorated with ruffles of lace on the skirt and
across the neckline, with an elegant bustle cascading to the floor
at the back. A cluster of pink rosettes on each small sleeve at the
shoulders matched the ones in my hair. No one who saw me would
think me out of place at Adelaide Beaufort's ball.

It was difficult to appreciate the moment,
however. The memory of Jacob's body lying next to me, cold and
weak, was still so strong and dampened my enthusiasm. Mrs. Stanley
had not come to me with the counter curse, nor had George.

We left our shawls with the maid in the
ladies' dressing room and joined the procession to greet Adelaide
and her parents.

"Where's Mr. Culvert?" Adelaide whispered,
after complimenting me on my gown.

"Delayed," I said. "He really wants to be
here, but there was an urgent errand he had to make first."

Her smile slipped. "Oh. I do hope he won't be
long. I've reserved two dances for him but if he doesn't show soon,
I'll have to cross his name off my card."

"Keep the dances open," I said. "He would be
extremely disappointed to miss out."

Her cheeks reddened. "Would he? Oh, good. I
mean, not good that he'd be disappointed, just good that he wishes
to dance with me."

"Come along, Emily," Celia said. "You're
holding everyone up."

"You look extraordinarily pretty tonight,"
Adelaide said as I moved toward her mother. "I'm sure your dance
card will fill quickly."

I wasn't in the mood to dance, but I smiled
anyway. "And you look lovely," I told her. She did indeed. The pink
gown set off her creamy complexion and she seemed to glow from
within. I hoped her night would not be ruined.

From the reception I received from Lord
Preston, standing beside his wife, I wasn't so sure the night would
go off without a hitch. I got the distinct impression he didn't
want me there. I curtseyed to him as was required, but he barely
acknowledged my presence, or Celia's. We both moved into the
ballroom as quickly as possible.

"Odious man," my sister muttered. She stopped
short at the entrance to the grand ballroom. "Oh my. Emily, look at
all these people!"

Hundreds of men and women dressed in
beautiful gowns and suits amassed around the edges of the room.
Beyond them, I caught glimpses of dancers swirling to the music.
Laughter and chatter created its own throbbing beat that pulsed
through my limbs, my temples. The room itself seemed like a living,
breathing thing, and I suddenly felt like a small creature in its
path, a morsel to be devoured. I did not belong there. These fine
people were not part of my world, nor I theirs.

I edged closer to Celia, but she didn't seem
to notice my sudden timidity. "All these gentlemen," she said,
tugging the rosette on my sleeve down another inch. My shoulders
were already bared, but she seemed to think that not enough.
"There, better."

"Celia, we don't know any gentlemen here," I
protested. "It's all for no use." A lady and gentleman could not
introduce themselves, not even at a ball. They had to wait until a
mutual acquaintance performed the introduction. The only people we
knew there were Adelaide and her parents and they were busy
greeting guests.

"We shall have to wait for Lady Preston,"
Celia said. "In the meantime, I see no reason for you to go
unnoticed."

I saw every reason to go
unnoticed among all those people. All those
normal
, high society
people.

We moved further into the room, the guests
parting for us like a warm knife slicing through butter. Then the
whispers began. Some turned away as I passed but others stared
openly. One or two pointed.

"...a fraud," said a plump woman.

"An odd creature," said her friend.

"No
lady
has hair like that."